⚠️Warning this chapter may be triggering, as it mentioned suic!de⚠️
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I reviewed my cart one last time. I checked out fifty-one items one by one for any coupons. Amazon had a great price for toiles. My sewing machine was already shipped. I needed to make more space in my bedroom and living room for it and my mannequins. I should request a new townhouse in general. Julian's was more extensive than mine, and I was close to bringing my stuff to his.
I paid and fell back on my bed with my iPad on my chest. Sahiti's course wasn't easy as I thought. My lazy ass thought I was only going to draw, not make. Thank God, Agea already had an experience in fashion design because I was lost. My mind was built to do business and count money, not make dresses. At the same time, I was starting to make money. My collaboration with Fenty was going perfectly, and so was Fashion Nova. Maria was right about other brands wanting me once I was in the spotlight. On Saturday, I had a meeting planned with Maddie to discuss some new offers.
Three days flew since Xavier was brutally attacked. He was still bruised, but it didn't stop him from being himself. No one could make fun of him since he was our friend. Agea would slit anybody's throat for Xavier.
Things had been a little weird with Julian. We didn't really talk to each other. It was just your casual "how are you?" "did you eat?" "Great, I'll see you later", then we go on with our activities. We both were pretty tense about what happened. He shut down entirely from me, and I stopped pushing. Where would this behavior bring us?
Moses was still at the hospital with a broken jaw and two ribs. He fell on his neck when Julian slammed him, dislocating his shoulder. He chose to press charges against Julian, and they utterly dismissed it since he was the attacker in both cases. Trinity Fox expelled him. There was a great chance once he recovered, he was going to jail.
I thought about it, and I figured it was time to do something. I didn't know what else to consider. I wanted to help Julian. And who else helped me better than Chris when I needed it. Maybe if Julian talked to him for a minute, he would have a sense of clarity.
I texted Chris to see if he was available. He texted right back to tell me he wasn't far from campus, and we could see each other in a few minutes. I couldn't risk him coming inside. I didn't intend to tell Julian I was going out this evening, so I told Chris to wait for me a few blocks down.
I jumped in the shower pronto. I grabbed whatever outfit I found lying around my closet. As I was styling my hair, my front door opened.
"Shit." I groaned. I didn't expect Julian to come right now, and I was in a hurry.
He knocked at my bedroom door. I permitted him to enter.
"Hey..." He sat on my bed.
"Hey...I thought you were out. " I put on my earrings.
"I was, but I needed to talk to you. Are you going somewhere?"
"Yea, um, I have a few things to pick up at the store...I-I need them for my designer class." I lowered my eyes. I hated lying to him, but I had no choice.
"Can that wait for a minute? I really want to talk to you."
"I need to pick up these things as soon as possible." I grabbed my purse next to him, avoiding eye contact as much as I could.
"Xemina, please." He grabbed my forearm.
"Julian, can this wait after I come back? I am not going to take long, and we can discuss whatever it is over dinner?" I proposed.
He thought about it for a few seconds before nodding.
"Alright, do you need a ride?"
"I already called an Uber."
He nodded again. I kissed him on the cheek before leaving. Part of me felt guilty, but I was doing it for him. I walked for around five minutes before I got to the gray Ford parked down the street. I knocked on the window, and Chris unlocked the door. I gave a big hug. It was nice to see him after all this drama. He looked well as always. His beard was thicker. We talked about the recent events on our drive to the restaurant. I hadn't found a way yet to bring Julian's topic. The restaurant wasn't far away from campus, and it was nice and empty.
"After all those excitements, what else is happening with you?" He asked after ordering his entry.
"It's not necessarily me." I sighed. "It's more about Julian."
"Is everything okay?" He sipped his water. "I know he is not a fan of me."
"No- I mean yes, but not really. It is complicated. It's more of a personal problem affecting our relationship. I want him to work on it, but he is completely shutting down. I don't know what else to do or if he is going to get worse or not."
I pressed my thumb in my palm to stop my legs from shaking. My foundation fell itchy, and my feet were sweating inside my boots. I was so uncomfortable bringing the subject.
"Get worse, how?"
"I-uhh", I deeply exhaled. "He did some bad things."
"Each all of us are sinners. He has to be the one who recognizes his sins and works with God. He is a great father, and he will never push away his child."
"But I am not talking about that kind of sin," I whispered, although no one was near us. Chris tilted his head with confusion. The waitress came back with our plates. I wait for her to be far before taking a deep breath and letting my lips loose.
"He killed someo-." Chris immediately put his hand over my mouth to stop me.
"Why are you telling me this, Xemina? He is an Elvero. You don't say things like that in public or to anyone!" He took his hand away from him.
"I have no choice but to tell you because I think you can help him. He beat the hell out of a guy who is laying in a hospital bed as we speak." I muttered.
"What makes you think he would even consider seeing me? He doesn't even know me, and I am not someone that he is fond of. Does he even know you're with me?"
"It doesn't matter. I can try to reason with him. Chris, please! Just one conversation. You helped me at my worst. I think your words can convince him to seek help."
"Did he ask you for his help?"
"Pardon?"
"If one doesn't want help, then they cannot be helped. So Xemina, tell me, did he ask for your help?"
"No, he didn't, but if you hear his story, you would understand me."
He tilted his head to the left with confusion. I took that as a sign to tell him the story. I told him everything and made sure to name no one. He was shocked and had to get a hold of himself when I was done.
"You shouldn't be telling him no one about this. You're violating his trust and privacy, and if any media source hears about this, it could be his end." Chris sighed. "It's a lot for a child to bear. He is just nineteen." He shook his head.
"That's why I am trusting you."
"We should go. The sun is already set." He got up. I followed him. I insisted on paying because he always takes the church when we go out. I twirled my arms around him as we left the restaurant.
He abruptly stopped when we got to the parking. His face was pale and frozen.
"What?" I asked him, confused.
"Isn't that Julian's car?" He swallowed.
The Black Roll's Royce was parked right in front of us. My eyes grew wider, and I realized I fucked up.
"Xemina?" A deep voice that I knew very well summoned me.
We slowly turned to him. He was holding two take-out bags.
"What are you doing here? Did you follow me?" I swallowed. My brain was blank. I didn't know what else to say. My heartbeat accelerated, cold sweat rolled on my back.
"Wh-what do you mean what I am doing here? That's where I eat when I am out." He pointed to another restaurant adjacent to ours. "I didn't feel like cooking, so I got us my favorite steak for dinner. What are you doing here? Why is your arm around his?"
Chris quickly stepped away from me. The cold air slithered through my clothes. I didn't know what to say. Julian's lashes flattered, his chest rising and dropping quickly. He wasn't angry, but confused and...hurt.
"You lied to me." He whispered and dropped the bags.
"Julian-."
"No, no, no. You told me you were going to the store and you're in a restaurant with him? Is this what you were picking up?" He snapped, his anger raised as his Texican accent became stronger.
"This is not what it looks like." I tried to calm him down.
"Then what the fuck is it, Xemina?" He yelled. "YOU LIED TO ME!"
"I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE." I snapped back. "If I told you I was coming to see Chris, you would have never understood!"
"It would have been fucking better than lying to me! Your hands-." He stopped and deeply breathed. "What the fuck, Xemina?"
"Hey man-" Chris wanted to say something.
"Don't you dare fucking talk to me, pinche perro mamon or I swear on everything I have, I will put a bullet between your eyes," Julian muttered and walked to Chris, his hand already reaching to the back of his pants.
"STOP IT!" I pushed him back. "Whatever you think, I am not cheating on you. I am here for you!"
"So that's your excuse?" He huffed. "You're just going to take me for a pinche pendejo?"
"Chris helped me when I was down. He can help you with whatever you're going through. Deal with your past, leave Jake's-"
"JAKE? YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT JAKE?" He yelled. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU WANNA PLAY WITH MY FUCKING LIFE?"
"I just want to help you!"
"And I never asked you for your fucking help! I trusted with my life, and you just turn around and tell someone else, a fucking stranger, my secret?
"He is not a fucking stranger. He is studying-."
"I don't FUCKING care!" He cut me off. "You don't have the right to tell someone else a secret that can end my fucking life. I'm not fucking possessed. Your wannabe priest boyfriend cannot heal me!"
"That's exactly your problem. You're so jealous and intolerable! I am finding a way to help you, to fix you, but you can't see that! You don't even want to have a fucking conversation. I am tired of it! You don't want to help yourself! How could you say you love me when you don't even love yourself?" I shouted. "You think cutting yourself or taking pills is self-care? Somewhat you're controlling yourself? How about you admitting to yourself since that fucking night, you liked beating people! You can kill anyone just for the thrill of it. You can become a nasty monster, a serial killer. You made yourself a fool for believing you cannot hurt others if you harm yourself!"
"You want to be a big hero? Then save yourself the pain, take the gun, put it in your head and end it all. Make sure you don't leave a mess behind." I bitterly spat.
Everything around us became silent. Only my hard breathing and the winds reached my ears. He was just standing there. What was once anger in his eyes mutated into hurt. A tear rolled down his cheek, and my heart twisted himself. I broke him. I fucked up, and I fucked up badly.
He scoffed and ran his hand through his hair.
"Before you left earlier..." He calmly reached into his pocket. "I was ready to have an honest conversation. I had good news. I felt like I could open up more to you and count on you" He threw a folded paper to my feet. "I guess I was wrong."
"When I needed you to hear me, you turned deaf. You didn't even try to listen. All I ever asked you was to be patient and trust, and you just threw me away like a piece of trash. Should have just spat on my face. Thank you. Thank you a lot. It was too good to be true. Thank you."
He backed up to his car. He reversed and ran over the food without looking back before leaving me in the parking lot. I stood there paralyzed as I watched the car disappear at the next turn, and my shallow hole swallowed my chest.
Chris stepped forward and grabbed the paper on my feet. He unfolded it and sighed.
"Oh, Xemina, you should've just listened."
I clenched my fist until I couldn't feel my nails digging into my palm.
"What does it say?" I mumbled.
"He registered himself for psychotherapy."
I closed my eyes as tears ran down my cheeks. Guilt began to eat my being as regret bled my heart.
"Oh, Xemina..."
"How much do you think messed up?" I murmured.
"Enough for him to be done with you."
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