This was the first day in a long time where I could do nothing at all.
Yet, I still manage to wake up before the sun does.
A soft breeze brushed over my body and through my loose pajamas as I held a file in my hands. Stamped in black ink on the cover was "Lucille Pierce", nothing more, nothing less.
Inside of this file held every core memory I have made, every impression I have settled upon the world. This is who I was. This is past me. I flipped the flimsy cover open to reveal a single black and white photo. It looked like it had been a poorly developed film at one point, now worn and skewed with age.
It seemed like a woman, in an elegant agent uniform, standing beside a taller and much more brawny man. Distorted pins lined his jacket, but he was nevertheless also dressed well and similar to the woman.
Their faces were smudged, most likely the victim of poor handling.
Who are you?
On the bottom, the name "Christina" was written in a faded black marker. Then, followed a streak of black, starting with the distorted letter B. I guess whoever wrote the other name got clumsy and smeared it everywhere. What a waste of a perfectly good photo.
I set the picture down and continued flipping through the file, or "album". The weathered photo flickered quickly to colorized and grainy photos of the ice skater me. The one that landed her triple axel before popping her wrist and knee out of the socket. Not my proudest moment, by a long shot. Not to mention, I rarely have proud moments at all.
Then came the photos of me getting surgery. When I was injected with the serum. Pandora in her cell curled up with her knees to her chest. The emaciated, hollow, and tired shell of the person I used to be.
Flipping through these distraught and horrid images was hard. But it was a part of my own healing. I needed to see the past to show present me how much I've grown. It wasn't until one photo, however, that I paused. I was lying on that freezing cold metal table, but above me, a scientist held up a black, thick briefcase. With tongs, he held a purple stone that let off the energy and light that could power an entire city.
The pictures continued, almost as if taken for a timeline. Slowly, the stone was lowered onto my chest. My face contorted into one of pain. Purple veins popped out across my skin. My eyes even grew a dim lavender color. The last photo depicted what I assumed to be the soldier, standing over my unconscious body and screaming. Scientists were attempting to pull him away, but he wouldn't dare let go of my hand.
Oh, Winter...
That's where the photos ended. The file was empty, though it had more holding space for several more pictures. I shut the file, setting it down on the table beside me as I sat up on the couch. I sighed, bending my head forward and resting my elbows on my knees.
"Why, Alexander... Why..." I whispered, closing my eyes.
Footsteps approached behind me, arms wrapping around my waist and pulling me up. My back was pressed against a warm, muscular chest. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back against Bucky's shoulder, letting out a long drawn-out breath.
Bucky glanced at the file I left on the table, frowning slightly. "You've been looking back again..." He whispered.
I held my breath and nodded, "Mhm... I... I needed to. Gave me closure to see all those photos..."
He picked the file up and stared at it, before setting it on the desk inside the spacious apartment. His metal hand rubbed circular motion against my back, allowing me to relax into his warm embrace. We stayed there for a moment. Just enjoying each other's company with the background noise of rush hour.
As I sit here, in the arms of the man I've longed to love since we first locked eyes, I can't help but dream of a day where the fighting will cease altogether. That the world will permanently become a better place for the good of everyone, and we can finally be at peace together. To live normally. To have a family. All of which are dreams other couples have, and the ones in which Bucky and I protect.
John Walker taught me a very important lesson. Your past is the past, and no one can change or mold who you are beyond that. He pushed me around. Put me in the judgmental public eye when I was far from ready. Threatened me with Pandora and the pain of knowing that I couldn't do any better than I did with him.
I will thank him for one thing though. He taught me what fake love looked like. He showed me the kind of person to avoid. He opened my eyes to what the world truly looked like. That people weren't as harsh as he made them out to be, and that I could integrate myself in society again. He was a stepping stone for the person I am now. But I hope I never see his face again.
"I have one more thing to show you. Before we put this entire thing behind us." Bucky eventually whispered to break the silence.
I furrowed my brows, lifting my head so my chin was resting against his chest. "What is it?"
"You'll see."
...
After a stalling jet ride, we entered Wakanda's air space. While I was too busy reading a book, I glanced out the window, my eyes widening when the jet touched down on the tarmac beside the scientific research building.
"Bucky?" I asked, shutting my book and throwing it on the seat beside me. "Why are we in Wakanda? I thought they told you to stay out?"
Bucky got up from his seat and pulled on his jacket, extending his hand for me to grab. "I guess you could say my smooth-talking skills really went to work. Come on, there's something I need to show you."
I furrowed my brows and grabbed his hand, pulling myself up from the seat and moving to the open door of the jet. "Whatever you have planned, it must be good. Ayo practically kicked you out of here..."
He sighed, chuckling and leading me into the building as Wakandan soldiers opened the door for us. "She did. But after I told her about what I wanted to do... she pulled a few strings."
I looked down nervously as he lead me to the elevator, pressing the up arrow and leading me inside. I folded my hands in front of me, fidgeting them nervously. "'What I wanted to do'... Don't be up to mischief again, Buck."
He shook his head. "No... Definitely quite far from mischief."
The elevator doors opened to a bright white room. A team of scientists was working in there, some on computers, and some on what looked to be a modernized cryogenic freeze capsule. Shuri was in a lab coat instead of her usual traditional garments. She was also sitting in front of a computer, examining and documenting what looked to be brainwaves.
"What is all this...? Why am I here?" I whispered, turning to Bucky.
Bucky just smiled in response. "Shuri. She's here."
Shuri swiveled around in her chair, standing up and rushing over to hug me. "LUCY! Oh my god, how I've missed you!" she laughed, wrapping her arms around me and almost pushing us both into the wall.
I stumbled back and caught her, hugging her tightly and closing my eyes. "Shuri... It's fantastic to see you as well! I'm hoping you could shed some light on why Bucky brought me here..."
Shuri pulled away and glanced at Bucky, before grabbing my hand and leading me to a medical table. She sat me down, taking my arm gently and looking for a vein. "I know you weren't present for it, but James over here had his mind restored."
"I'm aware. Eradicating the Winter Soldier, becoming a better man, getting a new arm, I know it all." I droned, wincing when she slid a thin I.V. needle into my arm.
Bucky sighed, "She doesn't think very fondly of it... we had a big falling out right before I was taken in by the Wakandans."
Shuri nodded, hanging a bag of fluids beside my head. "I know... I understand, but I've always recognized that you two have made up? So, I will continue telling her why you brought her here, White Wolf."
"Yes, please, cut to the chase. I can't take this suspense much longer." I responded, eyeing the IV bag beside my head.
She stepped in front of me, "We are finally going to rid you of Pandora." she whispered.
My eyes widened in shock at the sudden news. I guess I should've known based on the IV and the room full of doctors, but life is better lived obliviously. My gaze shifted to Bucky's, looking for his confirmation that this was indeed not a dream. He nodded slowly in response.
"I've been talking to Shuri a bit over the past few weeks. I thought, since the whole breaking Zemo out of prison thing, they wouldn't willingly hand over a favor. But, Ayo was kind enough to forgive me, for the time being." Bucky said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"God, I don't care how you got me here-" I breathed, standing up on shaky legs and pulling him into a tight embrace.
I'll be honest. Surprises weren't really my thing. After all, I was always everyone else's surprise, if you know what I mean. Popping out of nowhere and killing people in plain sight. But I want to clarify that the moment those words left Shuri's mouth, I finally felt complete. Bucky and I getting into a relationship is one thing, but truly ridding myself of the past and taking one step closer to becoming the best version of myself felt so relieving. I would no longer be able to be controlled by a few meager words. I would be just me. Me and no one else.
Bucky was surprised at my sudden gesture, his arms wrapping around me slowly and rubbing slow circles on my back. My hands closed around the fabric of his shirt, tears filling my eyes as I silently tried to hide them by burying my face in the crook of his neck.
Once he could feel my salty tears against his skin, Bucky chuckled softly and pressed a warm kiss to the top of my head. "It's alright to cry..."
"Thank you... Thank you endlessly, Bucky..." I whispered into his skin, sniffling and wiping my tears from my cheeks. "You have no idea how happy you've made me... you really don't..."
He smiled, pulling slightly away from our embrace and cupping my cheeks gently with his hands. My face fell almost limp against his tender touch, my watery eyes fluttering closed as I lazily turned my head to kiss his palm. His thumbs brushed over my cheeks, gently curbing the tears as they streamed down my skin. The bright lights and bustling room fell around us, leaving just me and Bucky together in this moment I was too reluctant to leave.
"I love you, Bucky," I whispered after a moment of silence. "I love you so, so much, it hurts."
His metal index finger moved to pull a strand of my brown hair out of my eyes, tucking it carefully behind my ear. "I've been waiting for you to say that in something other than morse code." he chuckled, shaking his head. "I love you more, Lucy. I want to be the best version of myself for you, and I want you to be the best version of yourself. If I could help in any way, it would be this..."
I laughed, bringing the back of my hand to wipe my still never-ending tears. "You should be a poet... or something." I breathed, sniffling and glancing back at his features. "There is nothing I cherish more than our time together, Buck... You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, don't forget it."
He scoffed and looked down, blushing and almost tearing up as he laughed. "Shut up and come here." he breathed, pulling my face close.
Our lips connected in a passionate kiss, my arms instinctively wrapping around his neck. I pulled at the IV bag stuck in my arm, Shuri having to catch it before it fell and exploded all over the floor. I did not have a care in this world, besides us.
Our lips stayed interlocked for a few moments, Bucky eventually having to pull away from me for air. One of my hands was placed on the back of his head, my fingertips playing with the ends of his brown hair. I pressed my forehead to his, my hands moving to rest on his muscular chest.
"Thank you..." I whispered, for the umpteenth time.
He chuckled and stroked my hair gently, tucking the loose strands behind my ears. "It's time, dear..." he whispered.
Suddenly, the bright white room rebuilt itself around me. Reluctantly, without wanting to leave the warmth of his arms, I sat back down on the cold metal operating table. I knew what came next. This wouldn't just be an operation that takes a few hours. I could be asleep for days, weeks, even months. I was petrified, to say the least. My peripheral vision beckoned a clean, vacant glass tube used for cryogenic freezing.
"Hey, look at me." Bucky's voice invaded my thoughts.
I turned my gaze to meet his, furrowing my brows and tilting my head. "I have to go under, don't I?"
He nodded, "You do... but we're going to do this together. I'll be waiting for you when you return to me... and we can go home. Together."
Normally, I'd be petrified of something like this. Bucky's words were soothing, but I knew I was ready to take it on. I was willing to overcome all my fears for the greater good of myself. With Bucky holding one of my hands, Shuri extended hers so she could lead me to the cryotube. I turned my back to the soft padding of the bed, laying back on it.
"You're going to do just fine... I promise you." Shuri reassured me as she strapped me onto the bed. The straps were thick, but surprisingly soft. Like pillows.
I held my breath and closed my eyes, my grip tightening on Bucky's hand. "I'll see you on the other side, Buck..." I whispered, tilting my head toward him.
Bucky smiled, though I could clearly there was emotion behind them. He kissed the back of my hand gently, before my lips for the last time. "I promise. To you, you'll just feel really well-rested after..." he whispered, brushing some loose strands of hair out of my eyes.
"When this tube closes, don't cry. Please. I can't be left with that memory of you."
He scoffed and looked down, "I won't cry. I promise." he whispered, his hands moving to his neck. He pulled his dog tags from beneath the fabric of his shirt, slipping them over his head. He lowered them slowly so the chain rested delicately on my neck, the worn tags resting splayed on my chest. "For good luck."
My hand moved to the cold tags against my chest, my fist closing around them. Tears filled my eyes again, but I refused to let any fall. "Thanks... They'll serve me well." I whispered, looking up into his eyes. "Goodbye, dearest..."
He smiled emotionally, watching the tube lower around my body. "Goodbye, angel."
Shuri waved as she held the button, the tube encasing me entirely. Her finger moved to the second button pressing it down as cold air filled the tube. I stared at my reflection in the glass, watching the edges freeze slowly and obscure my view of the outside. My eyelids grew heavy. I gave into the impending weight, my eyes fluttering closed.
On the outside, Bucky watched the tube freeze with my body contained inside. He bit down on his lower lip, glancing at Shuri and wiping a stray tear from his cheek. "How long?"
Shuri looked up at the vitals monitor above her, eyeing the numbers. "We won't know until we get a comprehensive scan of her brain. For now, I think you should stay here... I'm sure the kids miss you." she chuckled.
He let out a breathy laugh, sniffling. "Yeah... I'm sure they do. Thank you, Shuri. This truly means the absolute world to us."
She smiled, walking to him and pulling him into an embrace. "Anything to help, White Wolf... We'll take good care of her."
"I'm sure you will."
...
i cried writing this i wont lie
one more chapter to go :( very bittersweet, but i've already started drafting a sequel! maybe that'll be your guys' christmas present this year lol
happy hanukkah to all who celebrate!