"What am I supposed to do?" I begged Dinah.
Giving up my pacing, I flopped face first onto the couch, loathing my pathetic state. My head hurt, my heart hurt and pretty much everything else hurt too. I wanted to feel normal again… to erase the last three days and pretend my relationship with Camila wasn't damaged, possibly beyond repair.
I didn't care that I had to asking Dinah for relationship advice. If I'd been in a sound state of mind, the thought never would have crossed my mind. As it was, I was desperate.
Dinah shrugged. "Did you apologize? Chicks love it when you come crawling to them begging for mercy. It's a power trip fantasy or some shit. She’ll totally get off on it."
That might have been decent advice if Camila would talk to me. She wouldn't, as Dinah already knew. I'd been complaining about it to her and Demi for the past ten minutes.
My last interaction with Camila had been a strained hour following her storming out on me at Ari's party. She had endured the remainder of the festivities for Justin's sake, but refused to speak to me, no matter how much I pleaded for a moment alone.
Selena's fierce protectiveness of her best friend hadn't helped. When she had spotted Camila's tear-stained cheeks, she had transformed into a stony sentinel. She rebuffed every attempt I made to get Camila alone with quiet force.
Since then, two agonizing days had passed like molasses though an hourglass. I was aware of each second that dripped by, aware that it was another that Camila was off somewhere, distraught because I had fucked up telling her I was a vampire. That knowledge hurt as much as my own bruised feelings.
"She won't talk to me," I muttered into the sofa cushions, repressing the urge to yell. Dinah was trying to help and I needed her assistance too much to risk pissing her off. "I even tried texting her. I'm pretty sure she blocked my number."
"I'm sorry Laur." Dinah gave me a sympathetic look that made me feel even more pitiful. "Andrew did warn you. Look at it from Camila's perspective. You said she thought that you were trying to break it off, right? I mean, that's a pretty shitty way to break up with someone. I wouldn't want to talk to you either."
"I wasn't trying to break up with her," I growled, irritation with the situation getting the best of me.
"We know that," Demi soothed, handing Ari, who she was playing with on the nearby carpet, a toy dinosaur. "She doesn't. She's hurt, understandably. She needs time to cool off."
While that was probably true, I didn't know if I had the patience. It had already been days. How long did it take for anger to subside?
If Camila would let me explain, I could prove that the last thing in the world I wanted was to see her hurt. It would be easy to show her I really was a vampire if only she would give me a chance.
"I was trying to get her to see it herself like Andrew suggested. I was doing fine until Ari had to jump in and ruin everything."
I was trying my hardest not to be upset with someone who was one fiftieth my age, but that was easier said than done.
There was no reason Ari should have blurted out that word. She had never said it before, nor had she ever given any indication that she realized we were different from humans. The only explanation was that it was a manifestation of her gift. She was doing what she thought she was supposed to. I just couldn't understand why fate wanted Camila to hate me.
Dinah shot me a disapproving stare. "You can't really be blaming Ari. She's a baby. She thought she was helping. You asked a Camila a question. She knew the answer."
"She shouldn't have known the answer!" I grumbled. "If she was a regular baby she wouldn't have. Why, of all the millions of babies, did we get the psychic one?"
I glanced at the little girl playing on the carpet. She seemed so innocent when she was lost in her make-believe world where barbie rode in the back of a fire truck on her date with a dinosaur. She rolled the fire engine toward me, giggling at her imagined scenario.
If only she wasn't so goddamn cute it would be a lot easier to be angry with her.
Dinah snorted. "You've got to admit it's kinda funny."
Demi stroked Ari's hair. "Ari loves you Lauren. She loves Camila too. She didn't intend to hurt either of you. While Ari may know the future, she doesn't write it. Trust in god's plan for you."
A growl raised in my throat, creeping up alongside anger.
"Are you suggesting that Camila and I are supposed to be apart? I don't accept that. Demi, she's the first girl I've–"
I halted, unable to adequately describe my feelings for Camila. They just were; intangible, but real all the same. There was no simple explanation. I wanted her with me always. I wanted to protect her and comfort her and be everything she needed forever. I wanted her to want me the same way. It was easy enough to feel those things, but articulating them was another matter.
"Gotten down and dirty with?" Dinah suggested, ever helpful. "Don't even try to deny it. You came home wearing sweatpants. Her sweatpants."
"I was going to say she's the first girl I've seen myself with… permanently," I lied.
That was scratching the surface of what had been going through my head, but anything was better than letting Dinah discuss those damn sweatpants.
"You love her." Demi clasped my shoulder, her smile proud and sentimental.
"What?" My voice rose in denial, though I was terrified she might be right.
The most frightening moment of my existence – the moment I awakened to find out I was vampire – paled in comparison. I kept that memory locked in the back of my mind, hating reliving the cold chill of shock. Recollecting it now seemed like child's play… a mere shadow of the icy panic roaring through me.
"I can't. She left… I can't love her. What if she doesn't…?"
"Laur," Dinah soothed, understanding what I hadn't been able to say. "It's going to be fine. Camila's a cool gir. She'll come around. She just needs some time."
"She blocked my number," I pointed out, unwilling to share her optimism. "That seems pretty permanent to me."
"Teddy?" Ari said, offering me her dinosaur in consolation. She knew I was upset and playing with her toys always made her feel better.
"Thanks," I muttered, accepting the gift with a pathetic rendition of a smile.
"What about Selena?" Demi suggested. "Maybe I can ask her to help? You could write a note for her to give to Camila?"
I sighed. I didn't want to seem ungrateful by refusing Demi's help, but it seemed unlikely Camila would read anything if she knew it was from me.
"As much as I appreciate that, I don't think a letter will help. Do you think Camila is going to read anything if she knows I sent it? What could I possibly write that would make her believe me?"
Dinah snorted in agreement. "As if Selena would go for that, anyway. Did you see the way that she hovered around Camila like she was her guardian at Ari's party? There's no way she's going to let Lauren get past her that easily."
"Thanks so much for your support," I said dryly. I had to bite my cheek to keep from spitting out a much nastier retort. Ari didn't need to learn the words I had in mind. Last week she'd learned the word "sit" from Dinah. We were pretty sure had nothing to do with chairs.
Dinah shrugged. "Not gonna lie to you, I don't envy you. Selena is one tough chick."
I sighed. That was the understatement of the century. Selena was a passionate woman, but when it came to Camila and Justin, she was nothing short of a bulldog. Justin and Camila were her first priority, always.
Dinah winked at Demi. "Speaking of Selena… Mani tells me that the two of you have something going on? You ditched Heidi fast."
Demi sighed, her thoughts reticent, as they always were when it came to discussing her love life.
"Normani is exaggerating. Selena and I are friends and colleagues. We have a deep mutual respect for one another. She's an exemplary nurse and a wonderful friend."
Dinah, always most observant when someone least wanted her to be, zeroed in on Demi's omission of Heidi.
"So it's still hot and heavy with Heidi, huh?"
Demi scrubbed a hand over her face in exasperation. The walls she had formed to protect against my unintentional prying were dissolving. She didn't like keeping secrets from us, though she was deeply private by nature.
"I didn't want to say anything until I was more certain," she admitted, "but I've agreed to take Heidi on a date. We have common interests and share the same values… I think we could work, but it's hard to know whether chemistry will transfer beyond the workplace. I was hoping to wait until after our date to discuss it with you."
Dinah's grin was spirited, as was her slap to Demi's shoulder. "So much for that 'I could get fired for fraternizing' bullshit. I knew you were crushing hard. I can't believe you're actually pursuing a human. After all the fuss you made about me changing Lauren before her time was up… well, I would've thought turning your mate wouldn't be an option."
I wanted to be happy for my best friend, but her date with Heidi only reminded me that Camila would be unhappy Demi and Selena were over before they began.
I wondered if she still wanted them to be together, even after what had transpired between us. If she thought I was an asshole, maybe she assumed my best friends would be no better. Maybe she had changed her mind and decided a clean break would be best for everyone involved.
Thinking about my girlfriend – potentially ex-girlfriend – made my head ache. The difference those two little letters made hurt more than I had imagined they would. I wanted them gone and to return to the blissful happiness of less than a week ago.
Demi shrugged. "I never thought turning someone who had another choice was something I would consider. But recently, with you and Lauren finding…" she trailed off, her eyes flicking to me. They said the words she hadn't said aloud.
"I'm just tired of being alone," she sighed. "It's been three hundred years. Maybe I'll never find a vampire mate. I'm tired of fighting against what I want most. Maybe it's time I give up trying to fight fate."
"Forget about fate," Dinah scoffed. "Listen to Dinah. I'm never wrong about this stuff. I called Lauren and Camila. Now this. I'm two for two."
She realized her mistake a moment too late. Her face crumpled with regret. "Shit. Sorry, Laur… I didn't mean–"
I stopped her before she could fumble her way through an unnecessary explanation.
"It's fine. It's not your fault. It's going to be okay. I'm not giving up."
Dinah gave me a tentative smile. "There's always that class you guys have, right? You'll see her there. I bet anything that Camila won't skip out on it and sacrifice her honor roll status."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Camila did show up to class, just as Dinah predicted.
She arrived ten minutes early and begged Austin – the idiot who had hit on her a couple weeks ago – to trade seats with her. She couldn't have sent a more definitive message if she'd tried. Our relationship was over. She wasn't even pretending to salvage our friendship.
"What'd you do to piss her off?" Austin asked conversationally as I dropped into the seat next to her.
"None of your damn business," I spat, irritated that Camila had chosen Austin of all people to reel into her little seat switch.
Austin continued, undeterred. He leaned back in his chair, a smug smile plastered on his face.
"She was all over me. She wasn't being shy about it, either. You must have fucked her over real bad."
It was only years of repressing my instincts that stopped me from tossing him through the wall.
He shoved a piece of paper with Camila's messy cursive across our joint desk.
"She gave me her number. She said I could call her if I switched seats with – hey!" he complained as I snatched the paper, ripping it into a hundred jagged pieces. I tossed them back at him. They fluttered around us like confetti.
I knew it was a dick move. We weren't a couple as far as Camila was concerned. She was free to give her number to anyone she pleased. But I couldn't stand the thought of it being Austin. He didn't deserve her. She was better than him, better than everyone in this room.
"If you lay a finger on her, I'll end you. Understand?" I seethed. I probably looked like the bringer of death, but I couldn't find it in me to give a shit in my infuriated state.
He stared at me, unblinking, his mouth hung open in shock. Even his feeble mind was struck stupid. Not that that was much different than usual.
"I said do you understand?" I demanded, quiet but venomous.
He bobbed his head up and down like a programmed robot. "I won't touch your girl, I swear. She said you broke up with her," he explained hurriedly. "I thought–"
I cut him off. I had no interest in hearing about what went through his head. I knew all I needed to and then some.
"And for god's sake, stop picturing her fucking naked. If I see her naked in your head one more goddamn time… be prepared to say goodbye to your balls. Since they have names, it shouldn't be too difficult." The fucking idiot had named his balls. This was the kind of dumbass Camila thought she deserved?
His mind cleared so quickly it was as if a switch had been flicked off. It might have been funny if I wasn't so enraged.
"…You can read my mind?" He was as awestruck as he was terrified.
He was quick to believe. He'd never told anyone about "Jack" and "Coke" before, so to him mind reading was as reasonable an explanation as any. If only convincing Camila I was a vampire had gone so smoothly.
"And, by the way, you did fail the test," I sneered, referencing a question that had been pervading his mind since I'd sat down. "The answer to three was qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum. If you'd spent more time doing the readings and less picturing my girlfriend naked, you might have known that."
His eyes widened with horror. I felt a sick twinge of satisfaction. He was concerned about what would happen if his father found out he was failing. If his father cut him off, he'd have no way of finishing school. He had no other options.
I shrugged, rubbing salt into his wound. "You'll be fine. Your dad probably already knows… I mean, your brother Alex was always the smart one. You're just Austin, the little brother no one expects to do anything worthwhile."
Austin sat in shamed silence.
It was only when I felt Camila's deep brown gaze burning into my head that shame for my petty cruelty descended. I glanced up, hoping to meet her eyes, but she hastily turned them back to the notebook on her desk, her lip a white line between her teeth. I didn't blame her for not wanting to look at me. The way I had just acted was beyond disgusting.
The round-table set up of the classroom gave me a clear view of her. Her skin was a little paler than usual, and her eyes held smudges of darkness, but she was beautiful as always. Even with her head downturned, I could see her brimming tears. I could smell their saltiness from across the room.
The scent made my stomach turn. I didn't deserve her any more than Austin.
She avoided my eyes for the rest of the class. She didn't even raise her hand to respond to the TA's questions, though I knew she knew the answers.
It wasn't until we were dismissed that I realized I'd spent the entire hour staring. I watched as she packed up her papers, slowing my own packing, so we'd reach the exit at the same time.
She slung her bag over her shoulder, making a dash for the door, but my seat was closer.
I caught her wrist as she tried to brush past me.
She whirled to face me. "Let go of me!" she demanded, her eyes a molten chocolate.
"Give me a chance to explain," I pleaded, not above begging for her attention. "Please, Camila. I… I love you."
I felt an ounce of shame for telling her now, like this, but she had to know. Demi had been right, I couldn't deny that Camila was for me. If I couldn't have her, I didn't want anyone else.
Her gaze softened marginally.
Another girl who I recognized as Hailee, one of Camila's friends, marched up to us, planting herself in the small space between us. She'd clearly been waiting outside of classroom to escort Camila away in case something like this happened.
She stood several inches taller than Camila. Her eyes were hazel, but there was no denying the red hot anger in them. She knew who I was and she wasn't happy about it.
"Come on, Camila," Hailee demanded, her eyes flashing. "Let. Her. Go. We've got somewhere to be."
I let go of Camila's wrist. I had a feeling Hailee wouldn't hesitate to call campus security and I couldn't risk drawing unwanted attention to myself.
As much as I hated that Hailee had jammed herself between Camila and I, I had to admire her tenacity. It was no small feat to look into the eyes of a vampire and not so much as quiver.
"I just want to talk," I pleaded, but Hailee was past caring. With a final glare in my direction, she dragged Camila down the hallway.
I spent the following hour moping in the choir rehearsal room, playing sweeping, melancholy melodies on the piano. I figured I might as well embrace the cliché. Since I'd started seeing Camila, I'd neglected the practices I usually scheduled after class. It wasn't like I really needed practice, but it was a quiet place to compose without Dinah's jibing.
I could hear Ally shuffling about in the lighting booth. I wondered if she would freeze me out like Hailee had, out of loyalty to Camila. I would have liked to think she considered me a friend as well. We weren't close, but as fellow fine arts majors, we'd shared classes before.
Ally was as sweet and unassuming as anyone I'd ever met. I couldn't picture her as the kind of person who passed judgment without hearing every side of the story, so I decided it was worth a shot.
She answered the door to the booth on the first knock, sliding open the door a crack. She tensed when she spotted me, but opened the door a little wider.
"What do you want, Lauren?" Her tone wasn't friendly, but it was far from Hailee’s hostile greeting.
"Have you talked to Camila lately?" I couldn't hide my desperation.
She gave a terse nod. "She's not your biggest fan right now. After what she told me, I don't know if I am, either."
"That was a misunderstanding. I want to fix it. I know you probably don't believe me, but I love her. I hate that she's upset. But I need to be able to talk to her if I have any hope of fixing it."
"I believe you. That doesn't make what you did okay. I've seen you guys together… and I never thought you would do something like that to her."
"I didn't break up with her," I defended, needing Ally to trust my good intentions. "I swear it was a misunderstanding. I just need a chance to explain. How can I talk to her?"
"Your guess is as good as mine. She's not answering her phone. I wish I could help you more," she said, earnest in her desire to help. "Whatever you do, don't try to catch her at home. Selena is on warpath and you're enemy number one. You'll be lucky if you escape her wrath with nothing but bruises."
Having exhausted all other options, that night I did the only thing I could think of that didn't involve walking in Camila's front door: I climbed the tree outside her bedroom window.
Feeling like a creeper, I waited until I heard her settle into bed. With the curtains closed, I couldn't see her, but I could hear the soft scratch of the pages of a book turning. I waited a few minutes to be sure she was alone and wouldn't be disturbed, then tapped on the window.
The sheets rustled, then stilled as she stopped to identify the noise. I tapped the glass again, my heart in my throat. Now that I was here, I was overwhelmed with everything I wanted to say to her. I didn't know where to begin.
There was silence, then the soft thump of socked feet on the hardwood as she came to investigate. When she yanked back the curtain and saw me balancing in the tree outside, I thought for a moment that she might tug them closed and pretend she had never seen me.
She stood watching me for a several long seconds before undoing the latches with trembling fingers. She slid the old window open, but blocked the entrance, preventing me from coming inside.
Her eyes were red-rimmed and raw, but she was gorgeous. I'd never felt more ugly knowing I was the reason she cried.
She cut our silent assessment of one another short, her voice laden with the raspy quality of someone who had been crying recently.
"What could you possibly have to say to me?"
AN : Laters :*