i can't get it out of my head. it's so strange and i can't get it out of my head, again.
"what is the square root of a 144?"
something's been off, but i don't know what nor why. this awful, unfamiliar feeling was erupting inside of me and it was irritating just because it was - unfamiliar.
"y/n? do you know?" my teacher snaps me out of my trance and i look up at her, a couple of the students' heads already turned my way.
"uhm, it's-" yeah, a good time to not listen now, idiot.
just say something, anything. even if it's wrong and stupid the class will get a good laugh. the teacher herself seems chill and she'd let it slide... hopefully.
"it's 12?" it came out more like a question than a statement.
"yes! great job, now what happens after we do that is..." i lose interest in her lesson immediately after that.
huh. i got lucky. at least something good came out of today, i didn't embarrass myself in front of everyone. call that a success.
as i watch students walk out of school 15 minutes later, i untangle my earphones, well try to, and put music on to calm my brain from everything.
the more i think about it, the more confusing it gets. how is it possible for this complication to enter my life when i have no place for it anywhere whatsoever? it just can't be.
or maybe it can, but i'm not seeing the whole picture. no, that still makes no sense. that void in my life is filled by damiano and there's no way this can happen now. especially not when i'm in a relationship with him. it feels so wrong, so so wrong.
even just thinking about it - how do i dare argument with myself in my head like this. i know it isn't true and i don't know why i'm wasting so much time worrying about it.
yet it feels so good. oddly good. exciting even. what if it is, you know? there's, allegedly, always a possibility. an unexpected one, for sure, but a possibility. god, i feel sick.
i open the door to damiano's home, i'm staying at his for a while, and get my shoes off my feet. he wanted me, well more like begged me, to live with him for a bit, since he's finally home and is gonna stay here for longer. of course i said yes, he's always on tour and not having him around can get damaging quickly. we're just making up for lost time, really.
but the sole fact that i was always alone gave me so much time to think about this conundrum i'm facing. it's never away, it always lingers somewhere deep within, making it unbearable to stay quiet sometimes. that's why i always blast my music on high volume and the neighbours at my apartment complex get annoyed quickly. well lucky for me, and for them - more for them actually, i am now in a gated community house, so i can blast shit as loud as i want it.
taking off the jacket from my body, i hang it on the coat hanger and make my way upstairs to dami's room.
i've been emotionally unavailable to absolutely everyone today, just preoccupied with my thoughts and my thoughts only. i should do something for myself, something calming to relax me from everything. i know i won't be able to hold these feelings inside for much longer, but for now, i'm gonna have to. damiano doesn't come home until later and i really don't have anybody else to talk to.
i'll take a bath. why not? a hot bath, some bubbles and candles... nah, ditch the candles, knowing myself i'd burn something down in a bath. it's relaxing sure, especially for the mind and the soul.
that's what i did. prepared myself a bath, dimmed all the lights so i'd have a mystic feel to the white tiled bathroom, and layed down in it.
nothing feels better, i think to myself as i slowly get used to the water's temperature, the heat spreading throughout my whole body almost immediately.
the silence is also very nice. i'm surprised i like it, i always want everything loud around me to distract me from my head.
while we're mentioning it, i don't think i'm in the wrong for feeling the way i'm feeling. i just feel as if i'm scared, since it's a sudden change and i'm not ready for that. but i can't exactly help it either, it's normal. from what i know, and from what victoria and ethan told me, it's normal and beautiful that i'm feeling this way and i do understand it. but there's a part of me that is still very unsure of everything, feeling as if i've betrayed damiano. i'm attracted to him, right? that's a stupid fucking question, of course i am. who wouldn't be? maybe i'm just afraid of admitting it to myself. maybe i don't want to believe it, i wanna push it away, for whatever reason. but why? why do i do this when it's so obvious-
"bella? you in there?" i hear damiano's raspy voice from the other side of the bathroom door.
"huh- yeah, taking a bath!" i answer him back.
how long have i been in this bath-
"okay, just checking on you. i made dinner, thought you'd like to eat together."
"sure thing. that sounds amazing, dami, grazie." i tell him and after that hear his footsteps disappear downstairs.
he's already back? i swear i've only been bathing for five minutes.
nonetheless, i get out and dry myself off, going into the closet and picking out a hoodie to wear. now, is it damiano's or mine, does it really matter right? i take the first one i find and put it on, quickly going downstairs, not wanting to make damiano wait any longer.
i enter the kitchen and am instantly greeted by the smell of damiano's delicious cooking. i swear, if he wasn't an artist, this would be his profession for sure.
i see him standing at the stove, still going about his colorful pots and pans. hearing me walk in, he turns his head and looks at me.
"look who finally decided to join me." he smiles cheekily and i giggle.
"yeah, yeah," i brush it off, coming over to where he's standing, wrapping my arms around his small waist, "sorry it took me a while, wasn't expecting you at the door." i rest my chin on his shoulder and look at what he's doing.
"really? what were you doing in there?" he asks.
i go to answer but realise he's smirking to himself cheekily and just then it hits me what he's thinking of.
"you bastard." i giggle and hit him playfully, damiano laughing at my reaction.
"i wasn't masturbating."
"and i'm not italian." he locks eyes with me and winks while he transfers the pot with pasta to the dining table.
"believe what you want, bello."
i seat myself at the table.
"ooh, you give me too much power then, piccola." he says as he begins putting food on my plate.
"how come?"
"that way i can imagine much more than i am given." he winks at me again and i let my eyes roll back as i laugh.
"stupido." i say quietly and begin eating.
"you love me, darling."
oh god.
i do. i know i do. but what if this situation that's bothering me cancels it out? like, how does it work?
"that i do." i smile shyly and continue eating the food.
i can't help but think about his words for a while. i do i do i do i do i do love him. and i know it. but why am i still not convinced enough? am i just scared that this is happening now? while i'm in a relationship with him? it would've been totally fine if i was single, nothing to worry about. i would be able to pursue it even more for sure. but not here, not like this.
"hey? y/n?" he calls me softly and i look up at him.
his arm is spread out towards me and i take the hint, giving him my empty plate.
"how was it?" he asks, going over to the sink and washing our two plates.
"what do you think?" i laugh slightly and take the pots back to the stove, clearing out the table.
"fantastic? delicious? spectacular?" he compliments himself, making me break out a smile, "D, all of the above." i comment back and see him smile so wide, it makes me want to squeal.
his smile is the most precious thing on this earth and i'm so glad i caused it.
"wanna watch a movie? we haven't had a movie night in a while." he suggests, drying his hands off on a kitchen cloth.
"yeah, i'd like that. i'll take care of the snacks, you go pick one."
"alright." he says and comes over to me, kissing my lips sweetly for the first time today.
i tense at first, thinking about everything going on in my head, but then relax, not wanting to worry damiano with my problems.
we pull out and smile at each other, "don't take too long." he smirks and i scoof playfully, watching him walk away to our living room.
i take the snacks out of our snack drawer and put them into seperate bowls.
has he noticed? damiano is really good at figuring out when something's off. he can tell someone's feeling a certain way just by looking at them and i'm afraid he's done it to me seconds ago.
i make my way to the living room, placing the three bowls on the wooden coffee table. i sit down at the edge of the couch while he's on his feet not too far away from the tv, trying to figure out what movie to watch.
"what do you wanna watch?" he asks, not breaking contact with the tv.
"i don't mind, you can pick whatever." he nods his head, eyes still glued to the glowing box in front of him.
i do almost the same thing, leaning back into the couch and fixating my sight on one place in the room.
what if i told him right now? he should know that there's something wrong, communication is key in relationships. that's how the bond becomes stronger. but what if he sees it as i suspect it? he'll hate me and want nothing to do with me anymore and i can't go through that, ever. yet i can't keep this inside anymore, there's so much going on i think i could explode any second. bite your nails now, alright, that might help sure. doesn't get rid of the shitty feelings in my chest, that's for sure.
"okay, what's up with you? something's clearly wrong, talk to me." in the time i zoned out, he sat on the couch a bit further away from me, his torso and head leaned forward while his arms rest on his knees.
i retract my hand from my mouth, still fixated on the one spot i'm staring at. go for it, just do it.
"i think," i start, damiano getting intrigued by my unusual demeanour, "i think i'm bi."
"no, no," i correct myself, my eyes still not letting go of the same dot, "i know i'm bi."
the room stays quiet for a couple of seconds.
"am i cheating on you?" i ask and finally look to damiano who is on his way over to me, smiling proudly.
"like, i'm with you right now and wouldn't that mean that i was interested in women," he comes over and hugs me without saying anything, "while in a relationship with you and wouldn't that be considered unfaithful? how is it- how is it even possible that i found this out while i'm dating you, shouldn't i be just with you?"
"and i haven't done anything with anyone, i swear. i didn't physically cheat on you, but did i do it, like, in my head? why would i feel attraction to someone else when i'm actively with you-"
i feel his lips on mine firmly for the second time tonight. i quiet down immediately, coming down from an intense high. i'm just confused and i have a lot of unanswered questions.
he pulls away and holds my face with both of his hands, "shut up, please." he chuckles and i do too, realising that i was a bit over the top.
"i am so proud of you, you have no idea." his thumbs graze my, now red, cheeks and i melt into his touch.
"everything you're feeling right now is normal and valid and i'm so happy you felt comfortable enough to tell me this." he smiles at me and just by seeing it, i smile too.
"thank you, dami." i whisper quietly.
"thank you, amore." he says back and hugs me again, my face burried into the crook of his neck.
"and it is possible." he adds, "you can feel attraction to a certain gender while being in a relationship. it doesn't matter if you're dating or not, sexuality can always change."
"really?" i ask, still a bit unsure.
"hell yeah!" he says rather loudly, "some people even come out as gay while being in a straight relationship." he looks at me quickly.
"you're... not though, right?"
"no, no, of course not." i giggle at his concern, "i could never get tired of you, even if i wanted to."
he scrunches his face at my comment cutely and i giggle, bringing him in for a cuddle.
we stay like that for a bit before he gasps dramatically, "what?" i ask, now concerned.
"when i marry you, i'm gonna have bi wife energy!" he says excited and i groan.
"oh my goood!" we both laugh at his stupid remark.
"idioto."
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did you like not knowing the problem of the story until the end or not? was it annoying (pls don't say this, i will cry). or did you figure it out along the way?
i think this was cool, nothing like i have written before. hope you liked it!
thank yous for reading <3