As I sit on my bed, counting the minutes, I wonder what it feels like to be high. The feel of your body becoming light in the merriment and the pressure of the world finally being released off your shoulders. The buzz of rush it gives that surges through the entirety of your body. It must feel great.
I want to be high right now, I want to float away from my chambers and take flight elsewhere. I can't stand this feeling of being alone, of not having anyone to understand me for who I am. But then I think about all my friends and I begin to feel guilty when I think like this. They've been by my side since we were kids and now that we're all grown adults it's hard to think of my life without them. Even though they annoy the shit out of me or pry too deeply in my personal life I know they do it because they care.
My ceiling looks nice though. As I glance at the shapes painted by the suns dance with my blinds I smiled lightly to myself when I made up different ideas to what they are. Ones a dinosaur, another is a flower, and the last one is a heart. This heart is different than most, it has thorns prickling at its center, suffocating it as it looks to be thumping. The heart is alive, but the vines slowly inclose around it until the sun slowly falls behind the clouds taking the heart with it.
I've been sitting in my room for hours just thinking. It's really more of a hobby rather than a nuisance. I count the minutes and the seconds as each hour goes swiftly by while I sit in one position the entire time. It's something that I've been doing since I was a kid. When my life becomes too chaotic for me to just sit down and unwind, my mind does it for me. I would go on these trips I call them and allow myself to process my surroundings and my mental ability to live in this man-dominated world.
No one knows I do this, not even my own parents. But it's something that's been keeping me sane. My ex didn't understand that and would judge me for it, calling me weird and giving me numbers for psychiatrists he knew. All along those were women he would fuck behind my back until he met her. After my encounter with them two, I did some background research on the person who stole the love of my life and discovered her social media.
It was a desolate place back then for me. I went down a dark road of comparing myself to the likes of that woman who hadn't had the common decency to turn down a man who was seeing someone already. It became hard for me to even look in the mirror because all I could think about was Sena, and how beautiful she is.
Her skin is flawless, her voice is divine, her body is up to par, and her smile can blind even the blind. I felt like I had failed as a woman to deliver myself as half as good as she had. And as an idiotic result, I lost him to her. I sigh heavily finally deciding to move into my next position to give my achy joints a break. But my face turns into a downward frown when I realize I have to study for my midterm exams.
My life, well, for the most part, is confusing. I'm juggling many things already and adding to my plate is college. If I want a good life I must go to college my parents said. What life would you lead if you don't get a degree my family said. Is this all you want with your life, my teachers said. But I'm curious to know why everyone's so interested in my life. What do I look like for people to want to know more about me? And why should their words be used as motivation to continue living this dreadful life?
Am I not enough as I am?
Before I could ponder on another midlife crisis question my stomach answered for me with a growl. I pressed on my abdomen and chuckled hearing it talk more than I have since I woke up this morning.
"I guess I've been starving you huh?" I asked like my stomach could answer me back but hilariously it did.
I laughed and got up. This is enough for today I guess, now back to reality. I walked out to the kitchen and opened the fridge to see more white than I would like. I should've gone shopping, but with me barely even being home sometimes and eating out I don't blame myself for it. Reluctantly that's a task for future Noelle to do as I placed on some clothes out the dirty bin that really isn't dirty, and grabbed my keys.
There's a nice restaurant that's by my apartment and it's within walking distance so I don't have to take a Uber. I search on my phone for the address and wander aimlessly off in the direction my GPS was telling me. Yoongi sent me some unreleased tracks to listen to and I blushed at the gesture. I got there quickly with the nice tempo of a song and a breezy smile sitting on my face.
There weren't too many people since it was in the middle of the week and I'm sure those people have houses with a full fridge to get to but like the very few that are sitting here dining, neither do I.
"Table for one?" The hostess asked and I winced a little when she mentioned I was alone. I looked around before nodding hesitantly because I didn't want the embarrassment to eat too much of my pride.
I was given a booth seat near the window and a menu to look over by myself. The soft play of jazz overhead the speakers gave a nice ambiance to the quiet restaurant. If anything it made me feel less alone. I skimmed over their choices and picked out an appetizer and entree. The food here is pretty affordable and I make it a plan to bring everyone here after a night of drinking. That's if we don't get kicked out first.
A waitress came over with her hair sleeked into a bun that sharpened the edges of her ears making her look like an elf. Her pinky lips were stretched when she smiled at me and I felt a flutter go off in my stomach. I thought you were hungry?
"Hi my name is Quin and I'll be your server for the evening, can I start you off with something to drink?" Her voice was soft but high in pitch that matched her perfectly.
"H-Hi," I cupped a hand over my mouth when I heard my raspy voice. I haven't talked all day so it came as a shock when that was one of the first things I've said all day. "I'm sorry." Looking down in shame I heard a faint giggle.
"It's okay, take your time." Her cheeks were lifted as she smiled brightly and I noticed the small gap in between her teeth. She's so beautiful.
"Uh, I'll have a glass of water with a bowl of lemons please." My eyes wandered down her body as she wrote it down in her notepad. She nodded her head briefly before walking away and I finally drew in a breath. I hadn't realized that I've been holding it in all this time and I must've looked crazy to her.
She came back with my drink and I told her my orders and then she gave me a signature smile and walked away. Fifteen minutes later my food arrived but it's a shame that I'm drooling over her more than my own food.
"Is everything up to your standards?" Quin bent down a bit and as she did her boobs were on display for me to see. Nice and perky and just staring at me. I nodded very slowly while still making eye contact with them before she walked away.
But as she walked away I noticed her going over to check up on another person who was sitting alone by themselves. Their back was facing me but I figured it was a man due to the broadness of his shoulders. Quin gazed down at him as she places her hand over his shoulder and he looked up at her. I noticed his jawline structure and the point of his nose to know I knew this person.
I kissed every part of his body to know who that was. Taehyung. I must've squinted several times to see if my eyes were playing tricks with me but they proved to be right. He smirked and then reeled a hand around her waist drawing her in to sit on his lap. Quin giggled and I could see her eyes crinkles from the huge smile plastered on her face as Tae whispered something into her ear.
His lip tucked under his teeth before he grabbed her chin and planted his lips onto hers. I gasped and looked around to see if anyone was paying attention but the restaurant is dead at this hour. Tae's hands slipped up her thigh and under her work dress and she moaned softly. My heart sank but it still beat and I looked down at my plate of food with a frown and I blurry vision.
Quin sat on his lap and placed her arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. And once I actually started to notice for the first time that she too also looked familiar. I remember seeing her in the hallways that one day Jin wanted to talk with me about Tae. That same faithful day he fucked me and told me he was going to take me out on a date. That same fucking day...
How could I be this stupid? My eyes bore into the back of their heads wishing hell would just take them under right now but my stomach growled again. I turned my attention away from the two and at my stomach who was now getting impatient with me. Well, I came here to eat, didn't I? I just can't tell anyone I was here, and Kim Taehyung could drop dead for all I care.
I ate seethingly while I made plans with Yoongi this weekend. Yoongi's the better choice anyway, at least I know he likes me. Once I finished I slammed my utensils down and stormed off without paying or leaving a tip. My petty ass likes the idea of my food coming out of her check while she was too busy tonguing someone down.
~
"What're you getting all fancy for?" Jimin asks as he hops onto my bed and propped his head on his hand.
"I hope it's to go to the club to get fucked up with the rest of us." Jungkook chimes in with a cup of coffee in hand and my crocs on that are freakishly small for him. I was sitting in front of my vanity mirror smoothing the pad of my finger across my stained red lips and plumping them together.
It feels wrong to be keeping this part of myself away from them. But I can't help but feel secretly judged anytime I think about bringing it to their awareness that their friend is going through a love crisis even though I don't believe in love. I believe in people being in your life for a season and a reason. And nowadays people confuse the word love and lust with being two of the same but really they're just on the same coin but on different sides.
Can I say that I'm lustfully in love with someone? Yes, when that person has given my body dedicated care and adoration that would confuse the brain into thinking that this is it. So as I sit in a daze, blurring out the world surrounding my existence, I ponder on what it means to be in love or loved.
Maybe I was engineered wrong when whoever decided to create me. It would explain why all my relationships barely last in half of the stages I hear most people go through. It would explain why my parents are disgusted with their youngest child.
"What is wrong with me?"
"Oh honey, nothing's wrong with you. You just need a better outfit." Jimin placed his hands on my shoulders and gave a soft smile with a sympathizing look through the mirror. I guess he heard me so I roll my eyes and hit his hands playfully.
"What's up with you Noelle you've been getting distant on us girl." He complained as he went back over to my bed and plopped himself down.
I turn with a playful smirk drawn on my face, "I'm fine Jimin."
"That's what you always say, might as well make a song out of those two words alone," Jungkook says before singing out a melody of I'm fine.
"And you still haven't answered my question on where you're going. I thought we could hang out like old times before we all became alcoholics."
I laughed and pinch the bridge of my nose while shaking my head. The audacity Park Jimin gets to say that I'm an alcoholic when his ass could outdrink a damn fish on a Tuesday. "Jimin the only alcoholic in this room is you."
Jimin looked over at Jungkook who only nodded his head in agreeance and then pouted. His cuteness wasn't gonna get him outta this one. "Is this my intervention? Do I need to go to therapy?"
"Your therapy session was at my place two nights ago. The neighbors were rather convinced that I have the touch of Jesus when it comes to you." Jungkook wiggled his brows and my face scrunched in disgust. God, now I feel like I'm third-wheeling. In my own fucking house.
"Say one more fucking word Jeon Jungkook!" Jimin stood up over him and waved his finger in his face and Jungkook giggled while looking up at him.
"Are you two seriously fucking each other?" I had to ask, I'm sorry. Because they look mad sus right now and I just need confirmation before I start making ship names.
They both paused and looked at me, then at each other, and began to bellow out a laugh. I feel like I'm missing out on the plot of the story here. My body freezes as I nervously crack a smile and clinched the silk of my dress in my lap.
"Fuck no Noelle what do you take me for?!" Jungkook says and I'm still stuck.
"Do I look like a bottom to you?" Jimin pointed over his physique and I'll be wrong if I wanted to nod my head yes.
"This asshole just knows how to take a joke too damn far with his peanut havin' ass." His small fingers proceeded to smack the back of Jungkook's head and I covered a hand over my mouth to stop the impending fits of laughter from seeping through.
"Noelle," He says, looking me square in the eyes that I thought I was about to fight a bitch. "I'll be dead wrong if I beat the shit outta him right?"
I looked between the two and a fear settled in the pit of my stomach. My legs stood up on their own and my body reacted fast pushing me towards the bedroom door and pointing to the front door. "Get the hell out of my house if you wanna have fight night."
"Please you're a lawyer you can't do shit." Jimin taunted and I only smacked a hand to my forehead.
"The fuck I can, just because I'm studying the law doesn't mean I don't know what to do to avoid getting caught." Jungkook replied, brushing him off and laying back on the bed with his hands behind them.
"Yeah well, your dumbass forgot something." I brought the focus back to me with my hand on my hip. "Me, I'm witness to the crime and you did it in my motherfucking house."
"Who said you'll be a witness?" They both said and I had one of those moments where my brain went on its lunch break as I stood by the doorway like some character waiting to get chosen to play.
~
Once again Yoongi has ceased to amaze me with his choice of date locations. My Uber stopped in front of a building with a large neon sign that said Whispering Hour. Whatever we'll be whispering about has me super excited already. He didn't give me a certain dress code so I tried my best to look as simple as possible but to appear that I actually made some effort with the dress.
He wouldn't be able to tell the difference though, all men are the same unless they're Jimin.
"You're here." I look to my left and saw Yoongi walking to me with his hands in his pockets. By all means just wreck my life Min Yoongi. What he wore was something completely unthought of when I breathed him in.
"Did you just come from the hood?" I joked half heartily but was deadass at the same time. His attire was different, he wore red joggers with long drawstrings, a long white tee, and a slight bandana puffer jacket to top everything off. No, I lied, the black bandana scarf that concealed his forehead and made him look like a king tops everything off.
His gummy smile reached his ears as he laugh deeply, "Nah, I came from shooting a MV and I didn't have time to change."
"And they say come as you are, this is by far my favorite look on you." I feel on the jacket with my arms at my side to hide my beating heart. He makes me so nervous in a good way.
Yoongi's smile got dark as he took me by the waist and I felt his hard chest against my side. "You should see what else is in my closet." He whispers in my ear. "Might surprise yourself in what you find."
"Don't tell me you got dildos hidden in your closet."
"Shit I might, but it's definitely got your name on it." His smile seemed to change and I was on the verge of dying from laughter. He's got jokes I see and as I softly laughed with his hand pressed on my waist while he opened the door it takes my breath away once I see everything.
Painting with a twist and the twist was wine, lots a fucking wine. Shelves and shelves of different wines from different countries and decades. I looked down at my outfit and thought I overdressed since everyone was staring at me as soon as we came through the door. I'm not the best when it comes to loving myself and could be really harsh on my appearance, like halfway through the day and being by Yoongi's side and his confident aura made me feel so small.
My dress retracted light when my body move just a bit catching more eyes to look for the source of the shimmers. God, if you want to strike me down just say that.
"Look at them staring at my date like the fucking star she is." His voice was so low it made gooseflesh appear on my exposed skin.
"Yoongi-"
"Don't even say it Noelle cause you're fucking beautiful and you look amazing tonight. Just cause these wack bitches wear socks with sandals doesn't mean you should dress like them. Let them go cry in the corner." Yoongi said and like a fool that became smitten I nodded with a big smile. He walked me over to one of the workers and she placed us in front of a wall with example portraits we could make.
"We have many options to choose from or if you want you could freestyle and create your own." The lady recommended and I quickly shook my head laughing because I'm sure as heck a beginner. I don't even know why Yoongi took me here.
I picked one that looked easy enough but challenging at the same time. And while I was looking around Yoongi left my side and went to talk to the worker at a further distance so I wouldn't hear their conversation. I acted like it didn't bother me when it kinda did because it reminded me of Taehyung but from the little glances I stole they appear to be talking about me.
After we picked we sat at a table that had everything we needed to get started including the size canvas we wanted for our painting. Yoongi sat in front of me which seemed to be a bit offputting. I would have to look over the big easel just to look at his handsome face.
"Uh Yoongi why don't you come sit over here, I can't see you in front of this thing." I laid my frustrations out on the canvas.
"I don't want you to see my painting." Yoongi grinned and I huffed.
"So how're we supposed to talk?"
"We don't. We let the wine, painting, and good energies do it for us."
"You're being complicated." I pouted and I could hear his deep chuckle.
"How about this," He says then moves a seat over so that way we could see each other from an angle. "That way you won't miss seeing my pretty face."
"Yeah, you wish jerk."
He grabbed his chest like my remark hurt him and I laughed. We had already placed in our order for the wine and the list was limitless and free refills. The owners were trying to get people fucked up. I decided on some red wine but Yoongi got whiskey. It wasn't before long when I started picking up my paintbrushes and dabbing away at the canvas covering it over in blue. There was music playing overhead that was playing songs I would probably hear at a bar mitzvah.
"These people don't know what good music is." Yoongi's jaw clenched as he got up from his chair and walked over to speak to whoever was controlling the music. I saw him take his business card out of his wallet and give it to the owner of this establishment and he then nodded his head. What happened next was a change of tempo in the songs to a livelier beat and Yoongi came back with a smile on his face.
"What'd you do?"
"I gave the owner more business. Look at the people now." He glances around and I follow his eyes to see more people engaging with another and tapping their hands or foot to the rhythm of the sound. My heart began to flutter and my breath left my lungs in amazement.
"You're one of a kind Min Yoongi." The words came out on their own unrehearsed and definitely unplanned. He looked down with his face slightly turning a tinge and his cheeks glowing as he took in the compliment.
The rest of the night went by smoothly, at a certain time everyone is supposed to show off their artwork and I was very proud of my beginners luck. My painting took up a life of its own and it quickly became something different than what I had planned. A blue full moon in the starry night sky surrounded by trees and a lush garden of green grass and fireflies. As I looked over at Yoongi a couple of times I couldn't help but feel this sort of serenity while staring at him.
His concentrated face is my favorite. His skin looks so soft and pillowy to the touch and as he worked on his canvas I couldn't help but gawk at those veins on his hands. With each slight movement, they would move on their own and I had to catch myself from spilling my drink. His dainty small lips would tuck under any time he paused to think about what else to add or put.
At the end, I showed off my piece and got many praises for it and I couldn't stop smiling. Yoongi was still working on his but when he finally put the paintbrush down he stood from his chair and crossed his hands over his chest with a smirk.
"You look pleased," I commented and he glanced over at me and showed it to me. The whole room gasp and there were no words for what I was witnessing.
He painted me. My brows furrowed as I took in all the details and saw a mirror staring back at me. I was looking directly at myself as I kept the glass of red wine tangled between my fingers with the bottle next to me. He capture my entire soul into this painting and it was completely remarkable. My expression was calm but I looked the happiest I've seen myself in a while and I appeared to look at peace while I held the end of a cigarette that was lit in my other hand.
"This is how I see you, Noelle." He said and I felt like I was about to cry.
Here I was thinking we were supposed to draw smiley faces and he draws the finished result of the Mona Lisa with my face on it. People clapped and came to see the canvas up closer in utter shock at how good and detailed it was. Many told him he had a gift and many others told me how lucky I was. When it was all over we got to keep our paintings and we decided to do an exchange of gifts.
"Mines isn't as good as yours since I didn't know we were supposed to make top quality stuff," I say while nervously looking at the ground while Yoongi looked at mines.
"Nonsense it's perfect, it's going right in my studio." He took my hand and we walked the sidewalk to his car.
"Do you want me to drop you off? It'll spare you a few pocket change than having to get an Uber?"
I placed a hand on my hip looking him up and down, "Oh now you wanna say something could've told me that shit before I left and I wouldn't had to pay 25 to get here."
Yoongi chuckles, "You do remember I had a MV right? Or are you drunk?" He patted my head and I smacked his hand.
"If you wanna get your ass beat just say that Yoongi." I rolled my eyes and got in his car hearing his deep laugh behind me.
So this is Noelllleee😏
Bad bitch might I say