Bianca's body shook every few minutes, her memories haunted her, a long sleepless night of reliving moments spent with Julian.
Bianca mixed the Mac and cheese, her lip trembling as she felt as though she would cry at any second. Her body, especially her eyelids were heavy yet she couldn't bring herself to shut them, scared that in the dark Julian would slip into her vulnerable mind. Not now she thought, she felt so weak.
• • • • •
Bianca lay in Julians bed staring at his back, her face bare of emotion as she watched him breath in the smoke collecting in his pipe, his secret out or him done with hiding it from her, pulled it out and took hits like there was no tomorrow.
Eyes tracing every inch of his back and watching as his head fell back in relaxation. She didn't want to say anything, afraid she would break his good mood.
She wanted to go home and break it off now but she was scared of his reaction, scared she would end up like the man from yesterday. Thinking she could look past it, forgiving him as he kissed and apologized to her, telling her he could be better and that he would get help.
She realized that he lied.
She though thoroughly as she planned her next words carefully, sitting up in the bed and pushing the blanket off of her. The movement making Julian to turn back and look at her. She chickened out.
"I think I'm ready to go home, I have to finish something's for my mom, she wanted me to send her the paper work she left in her office by accident"
Julian worked fast, she didn't think his brain could think at the rate he just did and have time to accuse her within the second.
"You going to go fuck somebody else, your lying to me aren't you? Who is it?" He laid the lighter and pipe down and walked to the side of the bed, his head falling between her neck and head, hand around his neck "Who are you going to go see? TELL ME!"
Bianca shook her head and clawed at his hand, choking out her words.
"I'm joking, I'm joking, I didn't want to leave... I just wanted you to pay attention to me" the lie slipped out easily but he didn't believe it.
"Your lying Bianca" he squeezed harder
She had no idea what to say this time, she shook her head rapidly as she was running out of breath.
"I love you" she spit out and he released her from his grip with a smile that no longer made her joyful, she get sickened.
He kissed her and she let it happen, not fighting it, scared of what he could do to her until his hand reached down to the buttons on her jeans. She shoved his hand away and sat straight against the headboard.
She looked to him nervously and her fear was only increased, his hand clenched around her thigh and he slapped her again.
"You don't get to push me away after you say you love me... unless you were lying again, I bet you say that to everyone, like a fucking whore" he said to her and although she was lying today, if she said it two days ago it would have been true.
She chose to speak up "Your scaring me Julian" she tried to stand up but he blocked her way and pushed her back down to sit in front of him "I want to leave, can you please move so I can leave"
He shook his head and laughed, this time punching her, a deep painful grunt flew past her lips as she clenched onto her stomach, looking at him and still trying to get pass. He punched her again, picking up a pillow and trying to smother her because he pissed her off trying to leave. Bianca cried and screamed, flailed her arms around as she tried to move her head and find some gap where she could get some oxygen from.
Lungs begging for air, making her choke on nothing, the air she needed stopped by the layers of cotton and fabric.
Her movement slowly stopped, before her arms fell limp and the black dots in her vision took her the pillow was removed. Gasping for air and coughing, she didn't speak when she composed herself, Julian stared at her and grabbed his pipe and lighter.
Taking a puff and holding it out to Bianca.
She stared at it, she didn't want to take it, she knew of addiction from movies and had seen people act horribly because of it, including Julian.
"Don't just look at it Bianca! take it!" He shouted at her
And so she did, she sat up and grabbed it so that he would stop yelling at her, so he wouldn't hurt her again.
"I didn't give it to you so you can stare at it Bianca" he groaned and rolled his eyes at her, grabbing it and putting the end between her lips. He flicked the lighter and watched with a grin as she breathed in the smoke, fidgeting under his gaze, holding back tears, not knowing what to do.
She did it out of fear, submitted, coughing violently and trembling as she tried to push away his hand that tried to bring the pipe back to her mouth and at one point she ended up again the wall again.
"Stop acting like a bitch, just try it" she shook her head trying to push him away.
He flew her to the bed with one hand, raising a hand and she flinched. Reaching out and grabbing the pipe from him, wanting to just stop herself from feeling the force of his hand on her body. Not wanting to see him in the way that should, as an abusive person. She wanted to see the calm him again.
In the next ten minutes she was seeing shit, she was actually enjoying, she didn't care that Julian had hit her then, she didn't cower away or feel dirty at his touch. She moved towards it, taking turns with him and helping him hold the lighter, she was just as bad as him inhaling all the crack she could.
• • • • •
To think that is was out of fear Bianca started doing drugs, now she enjoyed it but not the decisions made under it's influenced, she was against it before but now she understood why the addiction was so strong, it made you feel alive, like your more then you are. It didn't make you act like a good person but you felt like one, bliss, ecstasy.
Bianca didn't have that fight in her before she met Julian, didn't know how to throw a proper punch before him. She wasn't violent, she was loud and happy, she was social and calm in situations, fighting wasn't her first instinct, would rather talk it out.
He sparked the fight in her. Under the influence she learned to hit back and she occasionally continued to do it when she was sober but unlike when drugged out she didn't have the energy to hit back.
Bianca broke down in the kitchen, she took that pipe willingly but it felt like he violated her like that, she didn't fight him like she should have, she stayed. Sure he always pulled her back, forced or not, but did she have the right to feel like it was forceful in those moments that she never fought back because she was scared.
She cried on the floor and threw the hot Mac and cheese, crying her heart out, her face contorting into painful and hurtful expressions. Kicking the cabinet and pulling at her hair as Julian took over her mind, as her mind shamed her for feeling as though everything he did to her was forceful.
In all honesty she wanted to know, was it really okay for her to feel the way she did, forced to do things even when he didn't physically touching her, use his bare hands to make her do it.