"What are you doing, where are we going?" TangShi resisted as YuZhi came to her side of the jeep, took her hand and slid her out beside him onto the path of the car park that seemed familiar. It was a pretty day and the sun was peeking out from behind grey clouds with a promise of sunshine by noon. A gentle breeze pushing around them and giving a sense of tranquility to this already emotional day.
"Distracting you and reliving a happier memory. We both need a time out and figured this would be a nice change before we go home and face this head on. Processing time." YuZhi coaxed her with him, aware of how sensitive today's appointment was and the fact they both now knew she was pregnant. He didn't want to dwell on the what if's for at least a few hours and aimed for some head space to dodge reality for a little longer. TangShi had been quiet and pensive since leaving and hadn't even noticed the route he took out here instead of heading home.
"Don't you have work? You already keep taking time off to accompany me. I feel like lately you rarely go and that can't be good for Leng group." TangShi tried to object knowing ZhengLi had been left to cope alone again today but YuZhi didn't seem to care. He had chosen time with her to make sure he was where she needed him at any time of the day.
"This is more important. Tang, our future, our relationship, is my priority right now. Even grandfather understands that and knows I need some time off. Let me worry about work and you focus on yourself." He reminded her of the old man's suggestion to go on a long vacation, with a raised brow and small half smile that etched out his left dimple and she relented. Always weak when those dimples came out to change his whole face into a youthful boy.
"Okay but today only. You can't ignore work and leave ZhengLi to take your place. Linlin will never see him if he's doing the work of two of you. She'll disown me for ruining her love life."
"Shhhh... let me worry about that. I can handle Linlin. Come on." YuZhi quieted her with a thumb pressed to her lips while his other fingers were hooked under her chin and led her away from the car, pulling her behind him with linked hands and expelling his demons and woes while out walking with her. They both needed some normalcy brought back after the trauma of these past weeks and that's what he was aiming for.
The Bund was busy today with a street carnival and renaissance themed fair and TangShi broke into a bright smile when she saw the pop-up carts and booths ahead on the two-kilometer walkway. The little temporary seating areas scattered conveniently and the music swaying gently this way on the breeze. Glancing at YuZhi's back and strong shoulders as he forged a path for her and filled with a sudden warmth at why he brought her here. She wondered if he was reliving the night they kissed for the first time and how perfect it had been up until that point. Her stomach fluttered with a woosh of butterflies taking off and she stopped fighting this and let him lead the way, touched that he would think of bringing her here today.
Unlike that night when the carnival was low key, relatively peaceful, and spread out, this was a crammed and vibrant space and planned event that seemed to be teaming already in the early hour of the day. A makeshift market set up in the middle who were selling a huge array of goods and foods. A ton of foreign tourists because of the great weather and a busy children's entertainment area complete with characters in costume.
"This is crazy busy." TangShi called out as they mingled into the crowd and made their way through red roofed stalls and ducked under low hanging bunting and fairy lights. TangShi's inner sunshine mood starting to uncurl and look out at all the awesome things to see and experience and she started to forget her woes. Her dark mood lifting and her eyes grew wide at everything around her. Returning to the girl who had shared the fun with him here last time.
"Tang, come here." YuZhi pulled her into him and slid his arm around her shoulder in a protective manner, turning his body slightly to cocoon her with his own and keep her shielded as they managed through the densest part of the crowd. "It's a Jianbing truck, that's why it's so crowded here. You want some? Are you hungry yet?" YuZhi knew TangShi loved the Chinese breakfast crepes and it was not noon yet so the perfect time to order. She had skipped eating with him earlier because of her nausea and now he knew that keeping her fed was more important than before.
"Yes, please." TangShi beamed with excitement, stretching on her toes to peer over the nearest customers and could only make out a tall blue food truck about ten meters away. The smell filling the air and pointing out to her she was starving as her stomach rumble din protest of being empty.
The reminder of being sick this morning as why she hadn't eaten hit her like a slap in the face as the memory of the test earlier came at her all at once. It was the weirdest and minorist thought that triggered it, even though she hadn't forgotten. Her mood nosediving once again and she became foolishly tearful and swallowed down a clogging lump in her throat from rising. Her heart aching with the stupid reaction to something so nothing but it felt like it opened the floodgates.
"YuZhi..." She tugged at his sleeve, stopping their progress, turning her face away so passerby's wouldn't see the instant tears as they began to roll down her face. Unable to hold it in to stop it as the thoughts tumbled out and she felt instantly fragile and vulnerable and lost. Her emotions hitting her like a slam for no obvious reason and YuZhi glanced down expecting her to be telling him how she wanted her crepe, only to find her sobbing.
"Hey... are you crying? Tang, baby, what is it?" YuZhi cradled her inside his jacket, pulling the side over her face so she could hide and guided her out of the crowd towards the inner edge of the Bund that was quitter than the river railing side. Concern rising and becoming instinctively protective over her. "Tang, talk to me? You were fine a second ago." He pleaded, checking he rover in case she was hurt and confused at the change.
"I'm sorry. It's just..." She couldn't' say the words 'it hit me hard that I really am pregnant' without thinking of the 'and it might not be yours' and choking up again. Her mind back to that scrambled mess she was driving here and pulling inwards once more to hide her guilt and shame from him. Her eyes glazing over as she sniffed it back and clawed to reel it down again. She truly never thought she would be a woman in this situation where she might be carrying the child of a man she wasn't married to.
"Maybe this was a mistake. I'm sorry. I thought it would cheer you up and give us a time out from reality for a little while longer. I'll take you home. I didn't mean to upset you." YuZhi deflated, feeling stupid for forcing her here right after learning the news but he hadn't known how else to deal with it. Scared of his own feeling when he sat down to fully process sit and needing to be around her in a setting where they couldn't think about it just yet.
"No, wait. Don't. I don't want to leave." TangShi cried as he tugged her sideways, still shielding her from prying eyes and she wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face against his chest. Inhaling his scent deeply and looking for the calm and safety he always brought her before. Needing that now and trying to pull herself back to calm.
YuZhi hugged her tight, walking her backwards with careful steps to get them out of the pedestrian traffic and rested his chin on top of her head once he had her in a quieter spot. Making her invisible to people walking by and pulling his jacket around her fully so he looked like a hugely pregnant man with four feet.
"I'll be okay in a minute. We can go for a walk. It's just everything catching up and so much I have to unpack mentally. It doesn't feel real." She mumbled into the safe haven he had created around her with his arms and jacket, cocooning her face in a little tent area and he ducked his head down to beside hers to join her in there.
"I shouldn't have brought you somewhere so busy. I'm sorry." He nuzzled his cheek against hers and closed his eyes savoring the intimacy she was allowing and missing this more than anything. His own chest aching with this closeness. He longed for the days when he could touch her anytime he wanted, hold her close and kiss her and desperately wanted that all back. The baby was a hurdle but not impossible to get over and being like this drove home just how much he needed her. In time he knew it wouldn't hurt either of them anymore and he could lay it to rest as long as he had her.
"Am I selfish for wanting you to do what you said?" TangShi lifted her chin, nudging him away so he had to pull back his head to look her in the eye. Her tears stopping and instead she had a mirroring look of longing in her eye. "To fix us and raise this baby without question? To stay together and put it in the past? To be together again?" Her insides shuddered as she said the words, fear swirling that once it sunk in he would maybe change his mind, that he would realize he couldn't do what he said.
It was her biggest fear from the second the doctor gave them the results and it had been plaguing her ever since, opening her eyes to the fact she did want to be with him again, more than ever. She had never truly given him up in her heart and had been angry and hurt by him, but not over him. YuZhi gazed at her for a long silent moment, saying nothing in answer to her questions and her nerves rose in terror.
Her stomach churning as his expression stilled to a blank calmness and he searched her face for some sign of something, still without responding to her. Making her antsy as panic set in. TangShi started to tremble, her throat drying, wondering if he regretted saying it now and it wasn't how he felt anymore. That with the reality of a baby that wasn't his, he couldn't keep loving her the same way.
YuZhi lifted one hand and slid it up the back of her hair, entangling his fingers in her ponytail and tugged her face towards his as he lowered once more. His mouth finding her lips with the sudden jerk forward and sinking a kiss on her to erase any doubt she had that he couldn't get past this. It didn't matter to him, none of it.
In his mind TangShi didn't do anything wrong and was a victim of some sick bastard he should have protected her from. He failed her and his burden of guilt would always weight him down. The baby, no matter whose it was, was not her fault either, and he wouldn't lose her for anything in the world after experiencing a TangShi-less existence that almost killed him. Rong Cai would be dealt with but that wasn't an innocents child's fault who never asked to be conceived.
He kissed her gently at first, a pressing of lips to her sweet soft ones, feeling her out and seeking permission to touch her this way. Pushing hers slightly open so he could explore and deepen it and TangShi responded coyly. Unsure at first, but she relaxed into the familiar taste and feel of his mouth on hers and allowed herself to get lost in how good it felt. Churning up raw pain and emotion and old hurt like opening a wound while also applying a healing balm. Tasting him, opening up like a flower and forgetting the tears and heartbreak when joined.
She had missed this kind of touch from him these past weeks, and now she was being freely given it she latched on with a hunger as though she had been starved. Sliding her hands up his abdomen and chest and snaking her fingers around his neck as he relented too. Instinct taking over and hunger from being affection starved by him reigning supreme.
They moved to passionate kissing, where tongues met and caressed without inhibition, and they tilted their head slightly to accommodate one another. Upping the heat and passion and arousing urges neither were prepared for, especially in such a public space. TangShi's hormones heating her body and an aching, throbbing, lower craving in her pelvis snapped her back to the present as the yearning for sex from him clouded her judgement. Her blood rushing fast and her heartrate elevating. Lungs heavy as they both panted with breathlessness form exertion and elevated horniness.
"I can't." She pulled away fast, fear gripping her as memories of Rong's sneering face hit her in the mind's eye like a deterrent. Her skin crawling with the thought of him being all over her and flashes of his face and voice cut through her skull like a blade. Her stomach tightening with the reminder his seed might be inside her, infecting her, and she burst into instant tears again. YuZhi held her close, confused why she had gone so far and then yanked back and not really understanding her burst of tears either.
"It's okay. We don't need to do anything. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you when you still don't know how you feel." YuZhi mistakenly thought this was because of his hurting her in the past and TangShi realized that it didn't matter anymore. Somewhere over the past few days she had stopped focusing on that and started leaning on him again, needing his presence, and right now it hadn't even crossed her mind. She loved him and wanted it back to how it was, but there was a black cloud of despair standing between them, growing inside of her, and his touch made her feel like she was some kind of dirty sinner who had allowed another man to defile her body. That she had betrayed their love.
"I wanted you to. I miss you...... I want it all back." She sobbed brokenly, being honest with her heart and grabbing onto him again so she could bury herself back inside his jacket and be hidden from the world in her one true safe place. All her life she had looked for that harbor and found it in him.
"You can have it all back. I told you, didn't I? I love you and I will do anything to fix what I did to us. You have to trust me; this is only a blimp and we can still have a happy future together. We can take it slow to get back what we had; I'm not going anywhere." YuZhi's voice broke, his throat hoarse with the sudden surge of his own emotions and eyes misted over. Heart swelling with love and hope that she really did want them together again. It was the one thing he had been desperate to hear and made everything seem like it could be okay again.
"But you're not the only one who touched me anymore.... I'm tainted. I'm not how I was. I'm dirty and used." TangShi cried, pushing her sodden cheek to his chest to close her eyes and lull herself to the rhythm of his heartbreak. Ashamed and spewing out the words she had tried to bury deep. That ingrained self-loathing her father instilled in her breaking free.
"You think that matters to me? I'm not some chauvinistic traditionalist who discards your worth because of that. Tang, I was hardly a virgin. Although what happened isn't something I want, it's not your fault, and you were a victim of something awful. You didn't ask for what he did, you didn't encourage it. It doesn't change who you are to me or how I see you. How I love you." He ran his hand down her hair, twirling her ponytail and decided this wasn't the best place to be doing this. Pushing her with him so he could baby step her backwards and guided her along the very edge of the path away from the crowds while she kept on crying quietly. Shepherding her to a clearing before turning her into his side so she could walk properly with him and kept pulling her on at a slow space back towards where he parked the jeep. Careful to keep her concealed and thankful he wore his oversized parka to use as a covering for her.
"How can I get past it? How can I forget what he did? It makes me sick to my stomach every time I think of it and now.... with this, in here." TangShi splayed her hand over her abdomen and gazed up at him with large unblinking eyes, showing the depth of her broken soul and it almost choked him to see he inner pain so freely. Her confusion and fear. "It feels like there's a black hole growing there, and I can't be happy with not knowing if it's his. It feels like a dark mark and some kind of curse. It doesn't feel like a baby, it feels like some sort of disease he placed inside me that will consume me whole."
"Don't think like that. You're distraught and traumatized with all of this. TangShi I wish I could wipe it away and make you feel better but all I can do is keep reassuring you that this baby is ours. It's not a disease, it's not going to hurt you. No matter what. I don't care when it was conceived. It won't change how much we love it. Separate it from him, think of it as yours, ours." He knew that wasn't entirely true and there was a part of him that was broken and in pain at the possibility someone else's child grew inside of the woman he loved. That someone had hurt her in that way and done to her body something they never had the right to do. It angered him on crazy levels and he had thought of dealing with Rong Cai viciously so many times since he found out the truth.
"Is there something wrong with me for thinking that way? TangShi blubbed, ashamed she said those words out loud even if it's how she had been thinking since the test.
"No. I think, given the circumstances, it's probably normal and how a lot of women feel when they fall pregnant after an assault. Maybe we should try some counselling for you. While we await the trial. I didn't realize how much this affected you and I'm sorry for not taking better care of you." YuZhi was devasted.
"You do take good care of me. I don't know, maybe it's just the shock and I'll feel better in time. I'm really tired because I don't sleep and ...." She exhaled heavily, her fatigue draining what was left and the tears making it worse. Losing her train of thought as her body and mind gave in.
YuZhi frowned at her and began to wipe her face dry with his sleeve and thumb, calming her down without even meaning to just by administering some TLC. Unaware of how assuring his touch was and his stable and non-emotional persona could be. TangShi watched his expression, his flawlessly handsome face, as he focused on righting her appearance and smoothing back her hair. Loving him for being this person and somehow knowing what to say when she didn't know how to feel or what to think.
"Let's go home, I'll run you a bubble bath and make you some food. Maybe sleeping next to me again might help. I swear I won't touch you, but I want you back where you belong. We can vegetate at home all day and then move you back into our bed." YuZhi was mentally a mess too, scared that he didn't know how to help her and already making a mental checklist of things to do to care for her. Asking Doctor Huang for advice, finding a therapist, researching PTSD for sexual assault victims, whatever he could do for her. He would sleep without touching her as long as he had her close, or be, and do whatever she wanted.
TangShi stared at him, suddenly still and quiet and nodded. Soothed by his mere presence and becoming detached from reality in a dreamlike haze of mental exhaustion. Relinquishing control and effort to him because she knew he would take over and look after her without asking. Thankful for him in this moment, and she allowed him to pull her with him as he continued heading for the jeep, always attentive to keeping her shielded and stopping every few steps to wipe her face and give her a squeeze.
"Let's get you home, baby." YuZhi fell quiet as they walked and nuzzled her head against his neck, keeping up the pace and submerge din his own thoughts.