Two days pass as I bury myself in planning tactics and meetings with the pack's warriors, trackers, witches, doctors, and even regular civilians. I take every opportunity to distract myself from the fact that I was manipulated, and from everything that has happened because of this manipulation.
Amoux has been quietly angry. I can tell he is grieving and that he is choosing anger to show it. So, while I desperately want to talk to him and have his support, I understand his need to express his emotions.
Shadow has been trying to be there for me, but I find that I prefer distraction rather than facing everything that lies behind the mental wall I have built up in my mind. Luckily, she is not the kind of women who imposes herself; she gets the hint and gives me my space.
If I am honest, I am afraid that if I permit myself to let all my feelings in, I will crumble, and I don't want to let down my pack more than I already have.
Just seconds ago, I ran out from a meeting room right after my meeting with some of the witches ended. I just want to lock myself in the house and not come out until I have magically found solutions to all our problems.
I recognize that defeating the encantados will not make how I'm feeling go away, but that doesn't stop me from hoping that it will.
I end up in my office, and I place both my palms on one of the leather chairs before my desk as I take a deep breath to help me push back all my undesirable emotions and notions. Alas, it doesn't work, but being alone in a room does help calm down the panic and I've been feeling for the past couple of days.
Amoux?
Yes, Alex?
Are you okay?
No. You?
No Amoux, I'm not. I was hoping you would be. I thought perhaps that would mean I'll be fine eventually. I just...
I know Alex; I feel it too. The bloody emptiness, the grief, the anger, the frustration, the self-loathing... I feel all of it Alex, but there is no bloody thing we can do about it.
Yes there is; we can save our people and avenge our dead. We just have to figure out how.
Do you have a plan? Don't you dare say bloody yes, because I don't bloody agree with what you're thinking.
It is only an outline of a plan, but I truly think it will work Amoux.
Yes, it will work in bloody killing and humiliating us.
I want to try and convince my wolf of the ideas that are slowly forming in my overwhelmed brain, but I don't think it is a good idea when I don't have a full plan yet. However, the determination of one is the only thing preventing me from breaking down.
I sit on the leather chair I was leaning on, and lean my head to the back as I think through my incoherent ideas, which results in rubbing my temple from the exhaustion.
For some reason, I feel defeated, but I refuse to let anyone to see or sense that. I don't want anyone to know how I am truly feeling.
For a few minutes, I drown in my thoughts until a knock breaks the comforting silence. I smell him before I can see him.
"What is it Clay?" I ask him without asking him to come in. But he does so nonetheless.
After closing the door behind him, he sits across from me, and just watches me silently.
"Is something wrong?" I try to cover my exhaustion by sitting up straight and looking him in the eye, but my tone comes out a little weak.
I was about to ask you the same thing alpha.
"What do you mean?"
I know how a man acts and talks when he is broken.
"I am not broken Clay, and I definitely don't need a motivational talk." My words come put harsh.
Alright. Clay eyes me with suspicion, and I find myself wondering if he can see right through me.
I wanted to ask if I can try to force Owen to reveal why there are encantados in The Red Eclipse Pack.
"You think you can break him?" I lean further in my leather seat as I mentally go over the plans that are forming in my head.
I think I have enough built up anger that I need to let out. So, I think I can break anyone at this point. And I believe him, I see the rage in his eyes.
"Okay then, I don't see the harm in trying." Anything we can manage to get out of Owen would surely be helpfully. At least that is what I'm hoping.
Alright. He nods in satisfaction, and I get the feeling that he is a little too eager to question the traitor. However, he stays clued to his seat, he doesn't leave.
"Is there something else?"
What are you planning? Clay asks as he focuses his glance on me.
"What?"
What do you plan to do regarding the situation we are in?
"I'm still contemplating my options. Why?"
You have this determined yet defeated look in your eyes, it's hard to explain.
"And you think this is a bad thing?"
I think it is dangerous.
Before I can ask him to elaborate, the door knocks for a second time.
"Who is it?" I ask even though I can smell their scent.
"It's Mason, Doctor Lewis's mate."
Both Clay and I exchange confused looks; I haven't talked to him since I killed his mate. I have been avoiding him and his family since then.
"Come in Mason." I say as I practically beg Clay to stay with my eyes. Luckily, he gets the massage because he doesn't show any signs of intending to leave. The last thing I need is to be alone in a room with Mason.
What the bloody hell does he want? Amoux asks as Mason opens the door and gets in. My wolf sounds more anxious than angry.
I have no idea Amoux. I feel unsettled as Mason sits on the only available chair before my desk; the one next to Clay's.
"Good Evening alpha, Clay." I feel even more uncomfortable when he calls me alpha; it stands against everything he said to me the last time we talked.
"Is there something I can do for you Mason?" I ask as I try to sit straighter; an attempt to hide the tension in my bones.
"I was hoping to talk to you privately." Not even a second later Mason realizes what his words implied, and immediately clarifies.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean that I don't trust you." Mason turns to Clay.
"I just want to talk to the alpha about something... personal."
"It's okay Mason, you can say whatever you want in front of Clay." I trust Clay unconditionally, not only because Shadow's trust in him is blind, but because I feel this familiarity when I'm around him; like an understanding we both share.
I know that recent events prove that I'm not a good judge of character, but with Clay it is different. I don't know how or why, but it is. Maybe it's because he is the only one who has stood by my mate for many years, the only one who has believed in her until they arrived here.
But it is more than that. It is the way he regards respect and titles; he doesn't take those things lightly. And how he always stands up for what is good and right. All I know is, every instinct I have urges me to trust him, and I do.
"Alright." Mason rubs his palms against his leather jacket nervously; something that makes me more worried about what he could possibly want.
"There is just something I needed to say, something I need you to hear me say." He looks up at me, and doesn't flinch.
"I forgive you." These three words causes both my body and soul to freeze. Even Clay remains still as he regards every inch of Mason's body. For a few seconds the room remains silent as I replay his words in my mind over and over again.
"Why?" Is the only thing I manage to get out. It's only my pride that prevents me from allowing my tears and emotions to show. I didn't realize how much I wanted forgiveness until he granted it to me.
"Because even though my mate is still dead, I know that you're not the one who killed her. I mean..." He rubs his neck with both hands as he struggles to get his point across.
"I mean I know that you killed her, but you weren't in control of your actions. I can't imagine how it feels like... questioning which of your thoughts or decisions are your own, and which of them had been put there by someone you believed was your best friend." He gives Clay a quick glance before his gaze returns to mine.
"You don't have to do this Mason." I tell him because his words start to remind me of my pain.
"Please, just let me say this." I don't want to, but I let him to continue; I owe him that much.
"It doesn't make it okay; living the rest of my life without the one who is made for me, but I no longer blame you for it; I can't. after all, for all I know, Owen might have messed with my mind too."
He will pay for everything he has done. Clay says when he notices my speechlessness. I give him a nod of gratitude; one which he returns.
"Yes, he will, and I want to help in taking that bastard down. I will do anything you need me to do, just please let me help." He gives me a pleading look.
I want to tell him that he can help with the warriors or the trackers, but I can see the urge for vengeance in his eyes; an urge I understand so well.
Do you mind taking him with you? I ask Clay privately through the mind-link.
Of course, alpha.
Thank you, Clay.
"Clay is about to go interrogate Owen to try and force him to tell us why some of his people are at The Red Eclipse pack. Do you want to go and help him?" I ask knowing he will agree.
"Yes, I do, if Clay doesn't mind." Mason turns to Clay for confirmation.
I don't mind. Would you mind going there before me?
"No, not at all. I will see you there." He gets up and walks to the door.
"Thank you alpha." Mason says before getting out of my office.
I know you don't want to hear anyone tell you that it will get better, or advice you on what you should do. I know I didn't when Diamanda died.
"I think you losing your mate is worse than me losing a woman I saved and took under my wing." I might be in a lot of pain, but I know that nothing matches the agony of losing one's mate. I'm not too absorbed in myself to not acknowledge that.
I know, but you still lost someone you cared deeply about. And I know this look you have in your eyes. For a long time, it's the only thing that looked back at me in the mirror. This is the longest I have heard Clay talk, which drives me to fully digest his words.
"What do you mean?" I ask wanting to know what he did about the anger and grief he felt, and probably still endures to this day.
Only Shadow knows this, but when Diamanda died, my ability and will to talk weren't the only things I lost. For the first year, my wolf also disappeared. He was so broken and traumatized from watching his mate die that even after avenging her, he still did not talk to me. I couldn't even turn. That caused me to be filled with vengeance even though I already claimed it.
"So, what did you do?" A part of me doesn't want to hear the rest of the story. It's more morbid than anything I've ever heard.
Something really bad you might end up doing if you're not careful.
"Clay, what did you do?" I start to get really nervous and worried for him even though he is telling me about something that has already happened.
I tried to kill myself. He gives me a blank look.
"What?" I lean forward as my eyes go wide from shock.
I was full of grief and anger, and I didn't know where to point it at, or how to project it. So, I took it out on myself.
"But you are still here." I point out.
True, I owe that to Shadow. She was the only one who cared enough to notice the signs and then stop me when it happened. A soft yet genuine smile appears on his face at the mention of his best friend, and I find myself mirroring his smile at the unique friendship they have. After all, bonds that are made out of grief are the most precious bonds anyone can ever have.
"That is how you became close?"
We were close friends before, but after that, our friendship became unshakable. She is my sister; more valuable than any blood relative I have. After saving me, she devoted all her energy on getting me to re-find myself and help adjust to the future I lost.
"Were you in love..." I didn't know how to ask and not sound rude or invasive.
Was I in love with Diamanda?
"Yes. You don't have to answer, I realize it's none of my business."
It's okay. Yes, I was, and Shadow knew that, she was ecstatic when I told her that her little sister was my mate. To be honest I was too, but I didn't want to rush her since she was two years younger than me, and still hasn't turned eighteen yet. After she died, I regretted that choice, if I had told her, I would have had some time with her. Especially since before she died, she told me she loved me too.
"At least you got to hear her say it." I try to consult him.
Yeah. The look of longing in his eyes almost makes me feel sorry for him, but I know that this is not how he wants me to feel, so I focus on the reason why he told me one of his deepest secrets.
"Thank you for telling me Clay." I smile gratefully.
We might not know each other so well, but you are my alpha, more importantly, you are Shadow's mate. That makes you family, which means I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did.
"I can see why Shadow loves you so much. You are truly the most loyal person I have ever met. And you don't have to worry, your secret is safe with me."
Thank you, and I know. I will see you later alpha; Mason is probably waiting for me.
"Alright, thank you again Clay." He only gives me a nod before leaving.
I stare at the door where he stood a few seconds ago. It feels like he had given me a new sense of hope.
I'm glad our mate chose him to be her best friend.
Yes, me too Amoux. I think we will eventually be okay.
What do you mean?
If a man who lost his mate has found a way to get through the grief and the anger, then so can we.
He is truly strong; I know I wouldn't bloody be able to accept our mate's death if something ever happens to her.
Yes, she is a gift from heaven.