I didn't sleep last night. It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm already at school. The fourth year students are coming soon. We are going to England for a week and this year I will be there. I find it quite exciting to spend a week on a roadtrip with the students and especially with Kate. I have visited her at work more often lately and not much has changed in the first five weeks of school. It was actually the intention to forget each other a bit, but I think we have grown even closer to each other.
It's time to leave. I look for a place in the bus and I notice that Kate is sitting alone in the back. With my eyes I ask her if I can sit next to her. She nods and then sits down next to her. "What are you listening?". I ask as soon as she takes her earplugs out of her ears. "A book. Do you want to listen in?". I nod and then she gently tucks one of her earphones into my ear. She then lowers her hand and strokes my face. I grab her hand so I can hold her hand against my cheek a little longer. Then I put our hands down and don't let go of her hand. We look at each other for a moment and know that no words are needed now. We listen in silence to the reader. Finally I fall asleep. I dream about Kate and me. In my dream we are further than what would ever come of it in real life. Our lips touch and our hands explore each other's bodies. I wake up when I hear someone whisper sweetly in my ear. "Beth sleeping beauty you have to wake up we are at the boat". I’m sure it's Kate. That way she can wake me up more often. That thought and her face bring a smile to my face. “Thanks for waking me up. Didn't know I was so deep in dreamland." Kate has a sweet smile on her face. "I hope it was a beautiful dream." Pfff she should have known. I feel warm at the thought of returning to the dream. I'll leave the answer as "Yeah". Hard to tell her what the dream was about. Luckily she doesn't go into it any further.
We are now on the boat. I discuss a few things with my colleagues and then go and see the students. This will be a quiet boat trip. Everyone is sleeping. My colleagues follow the example of the students. I walk outside and see Kat standing at the railing. It's a nice view. Kate at the railing staring over the water and the wind blowing through her hair. I walk over to her to make sure everything is okay. She doesn't seem to notice I'm coming. Carefully I stand next to her and gently stroke her arm. Don't want to scare her. "Should you not be asleep?". She shakes her head. “Am wide awake. I wanted to get some fresh air alone." So she wants to be alone and is not waiting for me. "Okay then I'll go ahead and leave you alone." Before I can walk away she puts her hand on mine. “Please stay. I do enjoy it.” The way she says that and that hand on mine gives me a happy feeling. I lay my head on her shoulder. Judging by her reaction, she doesn't mind. She lays her head gently against mine. Words are not necessary now. We both stare over the water. Both with our own thoughts. How I wish I could look inside her head right now. Will she be as happy as me right now? Also feel the butterflies throughout her body. How I can get used to these moments. Wish it could always be this way, but I'm already happy with the moments we've been given. I'm startled when a door opens up. We quickly move away from each other.
“Are you coming in? It's time to look for the buses." It's a colleague. "Yes we are coming Joe". He walks right back inside. “So that time has passed quickly.” Kate says it and we look each other deep in the eyes again. "Much too fast. Loved every second.” I gently stroke her arm an the walk to the door, when I look back Kate is still there. "Kate, come, otherwise we'll have to walk". Then she comes in too. We find our place in the bus again and I enjoy that happy feeling for a while.
We arrived at the hostel. We have agreed that Joe will do the check-in us and that I and the rest of the colleagues make sure that everything is taken from the buses. I expected that when we were done with that, the check-in had already been arranged. But I still see Joe standing at the front desk. "Liesbeth can you come over for a moment?". Joe asks me. Judging by his voice, something isn't right.
He tells me there is a problem. There is apparently the wrong number of girls passed on. As a result, they are short of a bed. It is not possible to put an extra bed in the dormitories. Since I am the only female teacher, he asks if I think it is a problem to have one of the students in my room this week. Or that we have to take an extra room where someone can sleep. Actually, I don't like having someone in my room. Is a bit of privacy and I like to be alone at the end of the day. But I don't really want to put one of the girls in a room alone. So I just agree that I agree to share my room.
We walk back to the students, who have become quite restless in the meantime. “Okay, the boys can walk with Mr. Baker and Mr. White. There are four dormitories that you have to divide into. The ladies walk with me. There are two dormitories for you. Only there is one problem. We're running out of bed. We have found a solution for that. Is there anyone who voluntarily wants to sleep somewhere else?”. Actually, there is only one person I want in my room. I look at Kate. What I hope will happen. She raises her hand. “If nobody wants to I will”. I can't suppress a smile. “Thank you Kate. You can walk with Miss. Smith”. Kate walks towards me. "Oh how glad I am that you raised your hand." Kate looks at me questioningly. "If you don't mind, you'll sleep in my room." I try to say as soberly as possible. I can't read her look in the eyes and she doesn't say anything back. “ Or if you not want to, then we will ask someone else or we will look for another solution”. Fortunately, I now see a smile. “No, no problem at all. I just hope you don't snore." Fortunately she has no problem. I give her a playful push and walk towards our room. We open the door to the room and walk inside. To my surprise there is a double bed. “Oh I expected two separate beds”. Not that I mind, but I wonder if Kate likes it that much. “Well, that way we have more space. Have you a preference on the part?”. I'm relieved by that comment. "No. You choose. I can sleep anywhere."
We are in the process of clearing our things. I'm starting to get a little nervous. The room is small. Not that I don't mind I keep touching Kate because of that, but I hope it doesn't make her feel uncomfortable. "Just lie there for a while. At least I can pass by then." Out of nowhere she pushes me onto the bed laughing, the umpteenth time we walk past each other. I can barely contain myself from pulling her on top of me. But it has at least ensured that the nerves are now gone. That's how she let me know that she thinks it's all okay.
Everyone has now found their place and cleaned up their belongings. It's time to eat and then we let the students explore the hostel a little more. I sit together with colleagues to go over the planning for the week again. Not that I get much out of it. I just wonder how the night will go. Doesn't it make it uncomfortable or something. After a while I go for a walk to send everyone to their beds. Fortunately, everyone cooperates and I think they are happy that they can go to sleep. It was a tiring travel day.
I see Kate walking towards our room. I speed up to walk with her. “Liesbeth, will you join us for a while?”. From the bar I hear Ash ask. He is there with the other colleagues. I put my hand in Kate's lower back. “You better go to the room. I'll be right there." I whisper to her and I walk to my colleagues. I still stand and tell them I'm going to my room too. I don't think I can leave Kate alone in the room the first night. She's already sacrificed herself to sleep elsewhere and I don't think it's appropriate to leave her alone. My colleagues agree with me. We quickly go through the day and then I go to my room.
“Kate can I come in?”. Before entering the room, I knock on the door. "Yes of course. I'm in the shower." As tempted as the temptation to make an effort to peek, which isn't that hard in this room, I don't. I quickly put on my nightclothes. Then I go to bed and grab my laptop. I still got some work to do. Finally, I can my hair fall loose. That's usually the first thing I do when I get home. I don't realize that Kate is walking back into the bedroom. “It looks so good on you." she says as she sits down next to me in bed. "Thank you". “Shouldn't you have a drink in the bar?”. I shake my head. “ I told I didn’t want to leave you alone in the room the first night. Or would you rather I go?”. Kate shakes her head. "Luckily then I'll stay."
Kate is reading a book next to me on the bed. I'm still working on my laptop. I just can't concentrate on it very well. This time it's not because of Kate. It even feels nice that she is next to me like that, but my scars are bothering me. It's been a while since I've felt them this much. “Do you still suffer from it often?”. I look at Kate for a moment, but don't say anything. “Your stomach, the scars”. So, as I thought, she knows what's bothering me. "Luckily not so often anymore". I say. "Is there nothing to do about it?" I give her a little nod. “Yes, heat usually helps a bit”. Kate shows her hands without thinking. “I have two warm hands”. It's nice to see that she feels comfortable here. “I can also take a hot shower.” Actually, I'd much rather take up her offer, but don't know if that's so smart. “Yeah you can, but using my hands is more fun and is also more focused on the place”. Kate looks at me almost pleadingly and I shake my head laughing. "Come on. Sit a bit forward." I hesitate for a moment, but since I really want nothing more and apparently she doesn't either, I let her sit behind me. I sit with my back against her front and her hands are soon under my shirt, on my stomach. "Yeah, this is better." Kate laughs. "I told you. What are you doing?". She asks. "Work". I close my laptop, put it aside and put my hands on Kate's. "Which I'm done with for now." I lie comfortably against her and close my eyes. I feel completely relaxed and enjoy the moment. I can't remember if I've ever felt so comfortable and safe as in Kate's arms.
“Where is Josh this week?”. I wake up from my thoughts. "He was able to stay with friends this week." "Sorry were you asleep already?" I shake my head. I was enjoying it to the fullest, but wouldn't mind sleeping like this either. "Okay. But with the friends of your nice dates?”. I can laugh at how she says it. "Yes that one". “Have you had any fun dates lately?”. I can tell from her tone that she is curious about this. "No, I threatened them that they wouldn't be allowed to babysit Josh otherwise." I can hear the relief in her laugh. “I understand that they will let it go. He is such a nice and handsome boy. He really does look like his mother.” “You’re such a kiss ass”. I say smiling. “Can you see his father in him too?”. I immediately become silent and memories come back to me. I just rub her hands and don't say anything else. "Sorry. I shouldn't have started talking about it." I shake my head. “It's all right. Fortunately, he doesn't look anything like his father." Then there is silence again.
I don't know how she manages it, but all I can think about right now is that I want to tell her. I'm just afraid I can't handle it. To tell it without anger.I hesitate for a moment, but the urge to tell her is getting too big. “Can you let go of me and just listen to me without saying anything?”. There is silence for a moment. “I will shut up and listen to you, but may I hold you. It's hard to let go when you're like this." I hear her say carefully and I think she got through my tears. "I don't know if I can do it." I say with a sigh. “Will you try it please?”. I doubt for a moment. "Just listen and if I want to get up, please let go of me right away." “ I promises”. I take a few deep breaths. “Josh's father used to be my best friend. At least that's what I thought. My scars”. As soon as I start I almost break down right away. Only my sister knows the whole story, so even my parents don't know everything. Obviously they know what happened, but they don't know it in detail. Kate holds me even tighter and I feels her lips on top of my head. As she promised, she says nothing. I slowly starting to calm down and find the strength to continue. “He gave me the scars." I notice that Kate is crying too. Hope I don't shock her too much with this. “We were out one night. As so often, I went home with him afterwards. To have a drink. This time it was different. He wanted something different. He wanted more. I pushed him off me a few times. I told him I didn't see him that way, but he kept going. Then I made it clear that I like women. I shouldn't have done that. He got so mad. He picked up his knife. He cut me a few times in the stomach. Because of the pain, I couldn't resist anymore, that allowing him to do what he did. When he was done he continued with his knife. I don't know where I got the strength from, but I was able to grab something and I hit on the head. I was able to get out and call 911. I must have passed out then. Just know that I was in the hospital after that. Nine months later, Josh was born. I was so afraid that he would look like his father and that I would not be able to love him. But he really is everything to me. He helps me through it.” Once I've told the whole story, I'll break down completely. Mainly because of the relief that I dared to tell Kate and that she was able to keep me calm. Kate lets me cry silently in her arms. I'm so glad I'm with her now. "Can I please say something?" She asks when I'm a lot calmer and I nod. “I have never met such a strong wife. I can't imagine the hell you went through. I don't know what I would have done if I had to go through that, but you. You continued. You are a nice, beautiful, sweet, tough, strong woman, but above all a great mother. Josh is really lucky that you are his mother”. I turn my head so I can look at her. "You are sweet". We don't say another word. We sit like this for a while and then it's time to go to sleep. Kate lies down with her back to me and I cuddle close to her.