October 2016
Port Antonio, Jamaica
Haley Winston
As I had told Harry everything that had been going on the past few days. He just rubbed my back and wiped my tears.
"And paparazzi and media have been so fucking crazy I don't get to be left alone anywhere" I cried and he hugged me tighter to his chest.
"Angel, first of all.. you need to stop feeling so guilty over putting yourself first, I'm not angry or upset, you told me you weren't ready and that is okay" he told me and I looked up at him to see the sincerity in his eyes.
"And I was okay, and I am okay over the fact that you weren't ready, and I also told you I'd be here when you were" he said and I nodded my head.
"I know, I've just.. I've been lying to Jenna, to my family, to everyone I know" I said and he rubbed my back again.
"How long have you been using, is it just these three days?" He asked and I broke our eye contact as I looked around the room for a second.
"No" I whimpered.
"How long Haley?" He asked and I felt my bottom lip quiver again.
"Maybe a month and a half.. maybe two, three.. five.. five months, no pills though, not until well yeah a couple of days ago" I said and he sighed as he moved his thumb under my eyes again.
"It just started a couple of weeks in to promo and I was just so anxious cause paparazzi and media had been so crazy around the VMAs and my birthday and with all the traveling I did... so I couldn't sleep so I started to smoke some pot and I slept a little better and then I was so tired during day time I needed something to keep me going so I started back up with the coke and I never told anyone cause I'm so embarrassed about it and... I can j-just imagine what the p-press would say" I cried out and Harry furrowed his brows and shook his head.
"Baby it's okay.. we'll figure it out I promise, thank you for telling me" he said and I looked up at him and I knew that I looked like a fucking mess right now but he looked like the fucking light in the tunnel for me.
"Have you talked to your therapist about this?" He asked and I shook my head.
"No, I haven't told anyone" I said and he nodded his head and leaned forward to press his lips against my forehead.
"None of this is your fault, I get the anxiety and the fear of doing something wrong in the public eye we are in.. and I understand how you're feeling, but there are better ways to deal with this than drugs baby, I know it's not easy cause what you have is an addiction" he said and I furrowed my brows and was about to protest but he stopped me before I had to chance to say something.
"And there isn't anything to be ashamed of, and there is help to get and I'd do anything to help I hope you know that.. as I said I'll always be here for you whatever you need" he said and I lifted my hand to his and stroked my thumb over his wrist.
"I'm so sorry to just ambush you with all of this, I really am" I said and he gave me a small smile and shook his head.
"Don't tell me you're sorry one more time, I'm happy you're here, I'm happy you told me how you felt, I'm happy you told me all of this and lastly I'm proud of you for admitting your problem, that's one step in the right direction" he said and I nodded my head.
"You're proud?" I asked and he nodded his head.
"I am, cause I know this life is hard.. and everyone deals with it in different ways, and now when you want the help and just admitting that is a big step, so yes I am very proud of you Angel" he said said and I gave him a small smile.
"I love you" I said and he smiled even wider when I said that and leaned down to press a soft kiss to my tear stained lips.
"I love you too" he told me as he leaned his forehead against mine.
"When was the last time you slept a whole night?" He asked and I shrugged.
"I can't remember" I said and that was the truth. During promo we traveled so much that the only proper sleep I got was the few hours on the plane rides because of my coke abuse. I had a hard time relaxing back at the hotels and at some places I didn't really have the opportunity to smoke which had me staying up all night.
"Okay, I can tell you're tired love.. so please try and get some sleep" he said and I nodded my head as he pulled me even closer and turned to his back lifting me with him to rest me body on top of his.
"Okay" I mumbled and my eyelids was getting heavier due to my lack of sleep, the crying and the safety I felt right here in Harry's arm.
As I fell asleep I felt his fingers run up and down my spine and his other hand in my hair softly massaging my scalp. It was comforting and I've never felt more safe in my entire life.
-
When I woke up the next day to fingers trailing over my waist and the sunlight peaking in through the blinds I took a moment to remember last night before I opened my eyes.
Harry was facing me in almost the exact same position as we fell asleep in.
The sun hitting his face making him look so soft and I can't wrap my head around how pretty he is.
His tanned cheeks and sparkling green eyes made my heart flutter.
"Hi" I mumbled and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand.
"Hey" he smiled at me and tugged my body a little closer to his own.
"How did you sleep?" He asked.
"I slept very well, did you have a good sleep?" I asked and he nodded his head.
"The best" he said with a small smile on his lips.
"How's your head today?" He asked and the question was so thoughtful. That he asked how my head was and not how I was. It was a big different since physically I'm fine, mentally, we'll we are getting there I guess.
"Lighter" I answered and that was the truth. For the past months I've felt anxiety as soon as I woke up, but today I didn't. Even if I've only been awake for five minutes I could tell that I felt better today.
Maybe Maggie had a point that not telling Harry about my feelings caused me a lot of unnecessary anxiety.
"That's good" he said and I nodded my head.
"How do you feel? I ambushed you with a lot of stuff last night" I said and he shrugged.
"I feel good, and you didn't ambush me love, I appreciate you telling me" he said and I smiled against as I looked in to his eyes.
I could tell something was bothering him a bit though. He had a frown on his beautiful face, and even though his eyes were sparkling they somehow looked worried.
"Did you mean it? That you love me?" He asked and I frowned as I stared at him.
"Of course I did" I said and he let out a breath.
"Thank god, I was starting to think I had been hallucinating that part" he said and I shoved his shoulder.
"Asshole, I thought you meant that I would take it back" I said and he smirked as he let out a chuckle. "M'sorry Angel" he said and leaned down to bury his face in to my neck as he wrapped his arm around my waist.
"I really meant it you know.. I am I love with you" I mumbled against his hair.
"I know, and I'm in love with you too" he mumbled and I felt his lips press against the crook of my neck.
"It feels nice to finally say it out loud" he said and pulled his face back to trail his eyes over my face.
"I know" I said and lifted my hand to stroke his cheek and letting my thumb rest on his chin.
"You're so beautiful" he said as his eyes trailed over my face yet again and I gave him a small smile and he leaned in and pressed his lips against my own.
Our lips molded together as Harry rolled over to place himself between my legs.
His lips moved to kiss the right corner of my mouth to my left, down my jaw to suck at the skin of my neck making me breath out a satisfied moan.
His hands moved to my hips stroking the skin up my waist underneath his shirt that I was wearing.
"So pretty" he mumbled against my skin.
"May I?" He asked and paused for a second to look up at me and I gave him a nod as he hiked the shirt further up exposing the skin of my stomach and I lifted my upper body for him to lift the shirt over my head.
"My Cherry, my sweet Cherry" he mumbled as his lips continued to travel over the swell of my chest and grazing my nipple making me gasp.
His hands moved to my hips again as he hooked his fingers in the lace material of my underwear. He looked up at me through his lashed again and I silently gave him a nod as he pulled them down my legs and threw them over his shoulder.
My body felt like it was on fire under his touch and I would make the sheets underneath me burn. My belly swirled with excitement as he spread my legs apart kissing the inside of my thigh.
I had longed for this feeling for the past two months and having him like this was unreal to me. He made me feel loved in a way no one else had, the way he kissed me so gently made me feel appreciated.
"Please Harry" I whimpered as his nose nudged my clit and he looked up at me with a glint in his eye before locking his lips around my clit. I arched my back as Harry's finger dug in to my thighs keeping me in place.
I reached my hands out towards his hair but he stopped them intertwining our fingers as his tongue kept working me.
"Shit Harry- ah" I moaned as he laid his tongue flat against me and then letting it slip inside of me.
"H-Harry wait, baby.. s-stop" I said and he lifted his head from my core in an instant his chin soaked of my arousal.
"What's wrong?" He asked and gave my hands a squeeze.
"Nothing.. I just I need you" I said and sat up and let go of his hands to put them on his face bringing his lips to mine. The angle was awkward but Harry was fast to lift himself to his knees without detaching our lips as I fell back against the mattress with him on top of me.
I could taste myself on his tongue as he kissed me hungrily and I dragged my hand down his soft chest down to his hips to pull his underwear down giving him a few slow strokes.
"Fuck" he breathed in to my mouth.
"I love you" he breathed and opened his eyes to looked at me. My hands came up to his face again and I stroked his cheeks softly.
"I love you too" I said and lifted my head to kiss him again.
"Condom?" He asked and I shook my head.
"No, we are good" I said and he gave me a nod as his hand wrapped around my wrist to pull it of his face and intertwining our fingers and resting them above my head.
His other hand helped him guide himself inside of me as his forehead rested against mine.
"Oh" I breathed in to his mouth as he groaned as he slowly filled me up.
"You ok Angel?" He asked and nudged his nose with mine.
"Yeah.. y-you can move" I said through my heavy breathing. "Please move" I whined and I could feel him smile against my lips and as I was about to beg once again for him to move he pulled out only to slam back in to me.
"S'that how you want it Angel?" He rasped in my ear as he continued to go slow but hard making the bed frame hit the wall. I'm sure he's going to fucking dislocate my hips with these hard thrusts but it feels so fucking good.
"Yes baby, j-just like that" I said and Harry's hands moved to my waist. I don't know for how long he went at this slow pace but when he sped up a bit the air was knocked out of me.
"F-fuck" I gasped and dug my fingers in to his hair. "Feel fucking incredible" Harry muttered against my lips before shoving his tongue in to my mouth in a deep kiss making me moan.
"T-top, I-I wanna top" I moaned against his lips and he smirked as he pulled his lips away from mine and he rolled us over my hands still locked behind his head as his hands found their way to my ass giving it a squeeze before they moved up my waist. The way he was touching me sent shivers down my spine and made goosebumps rise on my warm skin.
"Fuck.. so deep" I cried out against his neck.
"Yeah? You feeling good baby?" He asked and I lifted my head and started rocking my hips tilting my head to the ceiling.
"So, so good" I said as I swirled my hips and I was taken back as Harry grabbed my jaw but only gave me a small smile before pulling me down to his lips again.
"Fuck, won't ever get enough of you my love" he said against my lips. My heart fluttered at the new nickname and I moaned as Harry took the lead again thrusting in to me and I felt the pressure building up in my lower abdomen.
"Are you close baby?" I heard Harry moan.
"Yeah" I moaned as I pressed my forehead against his and his fingers tangled in my hair.
I reached my climax as I mumbled I love yous in to his mouth along with his name and curse words.
"I love you Haley, fuck I love you" Harry moaned out as he stilled inside of me and I could feel his body tremble beneath me.
"I love you too" I breathed as I came down from my high and closed my eyes as I could fully relax against him. His body relaxed as well as he held my close and I lifted my head to look at him. His eyes were still close a faint smile on his heart shaped lips.
"Holy shit" he breathed as he lifted my bottom half up to slip out of me making me hiss from how sensitive I was.
"Yeah, holy shit" I giggled and he opened his eyes to look at me again and I leaned down an caught his lips in a soft kiss.
"Felt like I fucked you for the first time" he said as his eyes stayed on my face. His fingers moving in circles on my thigh.
"How romantic" I teased and he scoffed and I smirked down at him.
"I mean it though.. felt different somehow" he said and I stroked my fingers over his cheek.
"I know" I said and he smiled and rolled us over so my back landed against the mattress.
"Gonna get something to clean you up.. then a shower maybe?" He asked and I gave him a nod. Harry rolled out of the bed walking in to the bathroom connected to the bedroom coming back with a washcloth in his hand and he spread my legs open and planted a kiss on my thigh before cleaning me up.
"C'mon" he said as he stood up and held his hand out for me. He led us in to the shower and we washed each other off. I've missed this, and I've missed him. Even though everything between us felt entirely different know that we had both confessed our feelings everything felt so normal.
New things are usually scary but this is wasn't, and both Maggie and Jenna was right. Cause I had totally forgot what I was afraid of in the first place.
After the shower me and Harry got dressed. He just told me he wanted to have me to myself today and told me to put on a bathing suit and pack a beach bag so that's what I did. I got dressed in the only bikini I had brought which was a black triangle shaped bikini, a cheeky bottom and a basic top that tied behind my neck and back.
I put a dress on over it and let my wet hair hang down my back. Harry was done way before me just wearing swim trunks and a T-shirt and sat on the bed watching my every move until I stood by the foot of the bed telling him I was ready.
"I'm hungry" I said and he nodded.
"You think I'd let you leave the house before having breakfast?" He asked as he stood to his feet and put his hands on my waist.
"I don't know" I shrugged and he shook his hand and leaned down to drag his nose against my neck. "You smell so nice" he hummed and I moved my hand to the back of his head and pulled him away from my neck. He pouted as I pushed his hands of my waist.
"C'mon" I said and reached my hand out as I opened the door.
"But I can't kiss you out there" he said and I furrowed my brows.
"Why?" I asked and he tilted his head to the side.
"I- I just thought maybe you wanted to keep all of this to ourselves" he said and moved a strand of hair from my face.
"No, or I mean these are your friends.. no need to hide from them baby" I said and I could see his eyes light up.
"I love you" he spoke again and I smiled as he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my lips for the hundredth time today. Not that I'm complaining, could never complain about that.
"I love you" I whispered and he put his hand on my waist as we walked out to the kitchen.
"Mornin'" Harry said to Jeff, Glenne, Mitch and Tyler all sitting by the table having breakfast.
It was just a little past ten since we had woken up earlier than I thought.
"What's got you all smiley this morning H?" Tyler asked and moved his eyes between me and Harry. "Just in a good mood I guess" Harry shrugged and walked over to the fridge. He poured me a cup of coffee and handed it to me with a small smile on his lips.
"Hm.. hey Harry you should really try the yoghurt.. I uh just can't get enough of it" Glenne said with a cheeky smile making me choke on my coffee when the words Harry spoke to me earlier came tumbling out of Glennes mouth.
I coughed and put my coffee cup down on the table in front of me and looked up to see Harry staring at Glenne with wide eyes.
"I- I'm sorry" I said and the whole group turned to look at me and I felt my cheeks heat up the moment their eyes searched my face.
"Nice Glenne real nice" Harry said and she tilted her head to the side.
"Just letting you all know that the walls here are apparently pretty thin" Glenne spoke and Harry looked at me with an apologetic look on his face.
"I'm sorry, did we uh.. did we wake you" I carefully asked and she giggled and shook her head.
"No.. we were already up, don't worry bout it" Glenne said and I looked up at Harry who was smirking over at me as he continued to make us some avocado toast.
"I'm not apologizing" Harry just shrugged and I rolled my eyes at him and Glenne shook her head. "But at least we all know you two took your head out of your asses and finally told each other that you're in love" I heard another voice and turned my head to see Tom stand in the doorway carrying his daughter.
"I wanna go home" I whined and Harry chuckled as I walked over to me and sat down on the chair next to mine placing a plate in front of us and a glass of orange juice for him.
"Just ignore them, they're idiots" Harry said and kissed my temple and I shook my head.
"So Harry we going back to the studio tomorrow?" Tom asked and Harry gave him a short nod.
"Yeah" he said and I felt his free hand on my thigh, his thumb moving circles over my skin.
Me and Harry finished up our breakfast and then grabbed our things and Harry took my hand in his and led me down to the private beach that belonged to the house.
"I told the others not to bother us" he said and I smiled.
"Don't they wanna enjoy the beach as well?" I asked and he shook his head.
"Nah.. they can just use the pool" he said and I chuckled and shook my head. I stripped down to my bikini and sat down on the towel next to Harry.
We both laid down and Harry laid on his side putting his hand on my tummy and started to trace patterns making those goosebumps rise again.
It was kind of strange how two days ago I felt like I was on rock bottom, feeling my worst and now I was sitting here with Harry far away from home, feeling happier than I've done in a while. The thought of him being the only thing making me happy scared me. That he was going to be my only source of happiness, and somehow that worried me when I was going on tour and Harry was going on tour. But I didn't get the anxious feeling that I did when I've thought about it before, I felt calm as I thought about it.
Not the being away from him part cause that would suck.
But that I wouldn't be happy without him near me, cause I knew that I could be happy without him. That wasn't my problem, my problem was my addiction, and my way of not being able to handle stress.
"Angel? Your phone is ringing" he said after a while of us just laying there soaking in the sun. I've been so lost in my thought that I didn't hear my phone going of in my bag. I sat back up and reached for the bag pulling out the phone.
The caller ID said Samuel and I swiped my thumb over the screen putting him on speaker.
"Hello" I said and saw Harry glancing over my shoulder resting his chin there.
"Hello? That's all you've got to fucking say? Have you lost your goddamn mind" he yelled in to the phone and I raised my brows making Harry shuffle so he was sitting up and he pulled me to his lap resting his hands on my thighs.
"Why are you yelling at me?" I asked and furrowed my brows.
"How about this Haley, I get a fucking phone call from Stevie, who is by the way worried sick about you.. since you called her in the middle of the night almost demanding her to get you a plane to Jamaica.. then you go absolutely MIA for twenty four hours, fuck Haley you've scared the shit out of all of us, what the fuck are you doing? Why are you doing this again?" He yelled in to the phone and I sighed and felt my eyes tear up.
I knew I was hurting them with my addiction and my bad habit of running away. That's why I always kept my family at arms length cause I hated seeing them so upset about this.
"I'm okay, Sam seriously I'm fine.." I spoke and tried to calm him down.
"You're fine? Haley you're not fucking fine, I know you and.. you only act like this when, you only act like this when you start using and it's fucking freaking me out" he said a little bit calmer now. I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks and Harry was holding me closer by now placing comforting kissed in the crook of my neck.
"I'm sorry" I sobbed hearing Samuel sigh.
"Cherry, please tell me where you are.. so we can come get you" he pleaded in to the phone and I just cried. I don't know for how long Samuel was quiet or begging me to come home before Harry picked the phone of my thigh.
"Hey Sam" Harry spoke and I leaned back against him and could her my brothers words through the phone.
"Harry? She's with you?" I heard him through the phone.
"Yeah, she's with me.. she came yesterday" Harry said. "Is she alright?" I heard my brother worryingly ask him.
"She's okay"
"Is she using again harry? We just don't want anything to happen to her" I looked up at Harry and silently pleaded him to not say anything.
"Sam, I uh.. I think that it's best if you let Haley tell you about this it's not really my story to tell, but for now yes she's okay and nothing is going to happen to her" Harry spoke and I rested my forehead on his chest as I exhaled a deep breath.
"Will you make sure she's making it to thanksgiving? Our mother is going to be crushed if she doesn't show, we miss her" I heard Samuel beg Harry through the phone and I just looked at him no odding my head slowly.
"I'll make sure she's there, and I'll make sure she's okay" Harry spoke in to the phone before hanging up putting my phone back in my bag and moving his hands to my cheeks.
"I'm sorry" I sniffled and he shook his head.
"Angel, you have nothing to be sorry for" Harry hummed against my hair.
"But I'm hurting them with the way I act about it, and I feel so guilty for making them feel this way" I spoke and felt Harry's hand rub up and down my back.
"I know baby, but all you can do now is try and be honest with them.. and you heard you brother show up at thanksgiving" he said and I nodded my head.
"How long are you planning to stay here?" I asked him and he tilted his head to the side.
"We have the house until mid November, so like two more weeks I guess" Harry said and I nodded my head.
"Will you stay?" He asked and his eyes searched my face and I gave him a nod.
"Yes, if you want me to" I said and he nodded his head.
"I do want you to stay" he said with a small smile tugging on his lips.
"Then I'll stay, will you come with me for thanksgiving?" I asked him and he leaned in to press his lips against mine and letting his forehead rest against my own as he nodded his head.
"I'd love to" he said and I smiled and stroked his arm as I pulled away. "Let's go for a swim" I said and stood to my feet holding my hand out for him. He gave me a smirk as he stood up fast and followed me down to the turquoise water.