Reviewer: PeterPan2210
Reviewee: GayuniSH
Story reviewed: Of Mist and Death
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Overall comments
It was great- the plot was good, The grammar wasn’t too bad and the characters' personalities were well developed. There was lgbt representation too, which I thought was good. It was inclusive.
But, quick warning don’t introduce too many characters.
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Cover:
6/10
The cover’s fine, if I were to consider a general opinion. But on a personal level, for me, this cover was the least bit appealing. I would suggest a cleaner cover with a sharper, neater font. Perhaps a typographic, dystopia-themed cover?
Something neater, sharper, edgier. Okay?
Title:
10/10
It’s a very interesting title for sure. It’s also very Steinbeck-esque.
Know about his book, “Of men and mice"?
Yours was “Of Mist and Death”. I mean sure there’s a lot of books named in a similar fashion but that’s what it reminded me of.
It was also accurate as you introduced the concept of both “mist" and “death” super early into the book so your choice of naming managed to make sense to the reader early on too, which is great.
Description
9/10
The description itself was fine.
My problem was that you’ve used the word ‘and' a lot. I mean, yes, it’s a connective word but that doesn’t mean you’ll use it carelessly everywhere.
For example, you’ve written:
"And there’s no way to stop it and the only thing they can do is survive through it…"
Two “and" in the same sentence? That doesn’t sound very nice when you say it.
So maybe rephrase that one line.
Also there’s like a tiny punctuation problem in the description. That one line which says, “…her only choice is to move to Acrana the main city…”
There should be a comma between Acrana and ‘the main city’ or if you don’t wish to use a comma, use a hyphen.
Another problem with that statement is this:
“…her only choice is to move to Acrana the main city into a whirlwind of trouble and mysteries…”
This should instead be rephrased as:
“..her only choice is to move to Acrana- the main city, a whirlwind of trouble and mysteries.” So, a comma and a hyphen is what that sentence needs.
The rest is fine.
Basic plot:
9.5/10
The basic plot is pretty good. Although, it sounds very Shadowhunter-ish.
By any chance, have you read “The mortal instruments” by Cassandra Clare?
Her basic plot, like the very idea is very similar to yours. It’s demon hunting, except in her book, the higher beings that fight demons- they’re all half angels.
Yours are just special beings, no specifications.
In her book, there’s this entire thing about an ex-shadowhunter turned Villain supremo by the name of Valentine, your book also mentions a traitor amidst the Nightfighters.
But yeah, even so, the plot is good. An ancient mist, one all-powerful girl and death makes for a very powerful plot.
So the 0.5 off is only because your plot has an uncanny resemblance to Cassandra Clare's, which makes me think that this plot was actually inspired but I can’t be sure because you haven’t given anyone any credits.
Content:
7/10
Like most fantasy books, yours also lacked prior information. You just kinda dived into the story. For someone who hasn’t read books the likes of “The Mortal instruments”, it’s very hard to understand the concept of Miera and Azmar and all the cities you've named in the book. I did notice you mentioned where Miera was in the 8th chapter of your book, but it would be better if you introduced the concept of where these cities are located earlier on in the book- either in the form of active dialogue between two characters or through narration.
For example, in The Mortal instruments, Cassandra Clare has used the form of active dialogue to set her scene about who the shadowhunters are and what do we mean by the ‘Shadow world’. So it’s like two characters conversing with each other and in a way, indirectly informing the reader about the kind of setting they’re in.
Imagine if, in Harry Potter series, J.K Rowling had simply launched into narration, and no concept of the Wizarding world had been presented. Imagine if she said, “Harry took the train to Hogwarts" instead of elaborating that it was from a secret, hidden platform 9 and ¾ that the non-magic people can’t see but it does exist between the barrier between platform 9 and 10. That 9 and ¾ leads to a world that is way different than the reality that we know and Hogwarts express is a Train that takes you to Hogwarts.
So an imaginable setting is what I think your content lacked.
Also your writing style is a bit bland. Too fancy is problematic but too simple is boring, try to find a middle ground.
The rest was alright.
Pace + Sequence:
8.5/10
A bit too fast, don’t you think? More scenes, more setting is required to make the reader comfortable with what’s happening. The speed with which you’re introducing characters really threw me off. So either don’t introduce so many characters, or introduce them really slowly over the course of the story.
The sequences were fine.
Also maybe introduce some cliffhangers?
Also, maybe increase chapter length by a bit? Your chapters seem a bit short to me. I’m sure you can introduce the more related scenes in the same chapter and that way you could also improve the cliffhanger part of the story.
Grammar + Punctuation + Tense:
7/10
I won’t say it’s terrible but you’ve made quite a lot of mistakes with the usage of ‘has', ‘had’. You have a major problem of using the word ‘and' too much. There are plenty of connecting words and punctuations that could substitute for the usage of ‘and'.
There are also some Tense mistakes that I'd like you to correct.
Structuring/Tone + Voice
9.5/10
Some Active/Passive voice issues but the rest was okay.
Originality:
9.5/10
As I said, this looks very much like a Cassandra Clare rip-off plot but I’m not sure.
If it's not, then kudos to you for thinking up a plot similar to such a great writer
Reader enjoyment:
8/10
Simply because I don't quite like books that don't allow me to imagine a proper setting in my head.
Overall score:
84.5/100
Thank you for choosing me.
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