"Hey can we talk before we leave?" Zuko whispered finding Katara packing food for the mission.
"Yea, of course," she nodded seeing he was serious.
"Aito told me he knows, I just wanted to let you know," he sighed softly crossing his arms.
"Zuko I'm sorry, I didn't tell him but I promise I'm not going to act on it, they're still your boys," Katara inhaled deeply defending herself.
"I know, I'm not upset, I just didn't think it would be this soon, especially now that aito is a water bender," Zuko said calmly and she nodded already knowing.
"The deal stands, I'm still taking my boys home after this, I know they'll have questions about you in the future but that's for them to decide, and if they ever want to reach out to you too it's their choice," he looked down as if he was convincing himself more.
"But theyre just kids, my boys are literally children, four year olds, i don't want them worrying about that kind of stuff so young, they don't need to think about why their mother doesn't want to be their mom, or if there was anything they could've done to have you stay, kids don't need to think like that," he ended in a whisper. Katara looked away as she didn't realize she was tearing up.
"Is that what you thought with Ozai?" She sniffled a little crossing her arms.
"Yea," Zuko didn't bother to hide it.
"I've worked so hard to give them the best childhood they could have with the given situation, all I'm asking it to let them just be kids," he looked at her softly.
"The deal stands, I'm not looking to be their mother still," Katara nodded.
Zuko knew that's what he wanted and what she wanted, but it still hurt in a way, they had a relationship, he was in love with her... and now she wants nothing to do with him, or the boys. It's a feeling he's had to push down for years of not seeing her but now that Katara is here again... maybe he didn't bury that feeling as far down as he thought he did.
"Is that it?" Katara raised a brow.
"Yea. That's it," he nodded walking away without looking at her.
Katara wiped a tear that almost escaped with her palm and turned her back to hide her face. She felt awful, she was suppose to be better but she had to do what was best for those kids, even if she couldn't be there for them she had to do what was best. Zuko raised them so amazingly, she hated that he was here and that life they had before was more than likely never going to be the same.
But she had to act heartless so she didn't look back. She had to pretend she didn't care about the man she use to love or the children she never got to hold. To feed. To love like she always dreamed of loving for a child of her own.
she was trained all her life to be a responsible mother.
And she failed at that.
She was always the motherly figure and now her own children that she birthed don't even know.
She didn't even realize she was crying.
"Fuck," she sobbed into her hands and went to find somewhere to hide.
"It's your own fault don't be so dramatic," Katara looked up at the sky as she wiped her tears away.
"Damn, after a few years who would've thought I'd still be so emotional," she sniffled wiping her nose.
"It's okay to be emotional," Toph over heard her and Katara screamed not realizing the blind girl was in ears reach.
"Leave me alone toph," Katara sniffled against.
"I can't see you cry, your good," Toph grinned a little.
"What happened?" She asked as Katara had her arms crossed.
"Zuko told me aito knows I'm his mom, I knew too," Katara inhaled a shaky breath.
"Sorry bout that," Toph pursed her lips softly.
"It's just weird, I didn't feel that bad when I left them as infants... but now that I see the twins as humans that are walking, talking, having a personalities it just... I feel sick every time I think about that I missed seeing the boys grow into people," Katara fumbled with her hands looking down.
"So why did you leave them?"
Katara kept her eyes down. It felt horrible to think in such a way...
"I wasn't ready, that's not how I wanted to become a mother, it's been burned into me that I needed to marry a man, and plan a perfect pregnancy and have a perfect birth to a perfect baby," tears started to weld up in her eyes again.
"I loved Zuko, and it was great, I didn't even care that we weren't married, until I gave birth and lost a baby, I almost lost my life and-and-and I had no emotional connection to those boys when I saw them at first, they didn't feel like they were mine," she fell to her knees covering her mouth.
"You know everyone tells you it's okay to not know how to be a mom until you have your baby in your arms, you just feel it, I felt nothing,"
"I left and I don't have a good excuse why, I left and I didn't care I just wanted to be gone, I didn't want to be around anyone, I wanted to be out of my own skin, I hate my body for being a failure," she hiccuped a sob.
"You've never coped have you? Telling anyone this," Toph stood by her, she could feel Kataras heart racing as if she could finally breathe again.
"Who was i going to tell? I was planning on taking this to my grave," she kept her hands over her face.
"Nothing is changing, it's just something I have to accept eventually," Katara ran a hand through her hair looking over her shoulder seeing people gathering by appa.
"Maybe this will be good for closure, let's head back, Sokka and Suki are waiting," Toph put a hand on her shoulder for sympathy. Katara smiled at her nodding and the two girls went to the camp grounds where many were.
"Get together what you need, we're leaving," Sokka told the two as he held sukis hand tightly.
"Wheres zuko?" Toph asked not feeling him.
Aito walked around the camp ground with Ren following who was playing with a leaf. He saw Katara and immediately went over to her and the other familiar adult. Aito gasped excitedly seeing Hakoda.
"Chief Koda!" Aito waved as he held rens hand.
"Where's papa? He said he would say bye before leaving," he asked as Hakoda knelt down to his grandsons.
"I'm not sure but I know he'll say good bye first," Hakoda smiled kindly to them as aito looked nervous.
"The old man could leave, I'm not gonna miss him," ren crossed his arms with a huff. The two looked at him but rens eyes watered as he pouted.
"Your tough but missing your dads okay, when I left my children to fight the war it tore me apart, I counted the days till i could see them again," Hakoda chuckled wiping a tear on rens face.
"And your dad loves you two so much I bet he's already counting down the seconds," he ruffled the boys hair.
Aito had his hands close to his chest as Ren and Hakoda spoke alone, the blue eye twin was still obviously anxious waiting. He let out a small whimper as he fought the nervous feeling in his gut.
"Pops!" Aito yelled relieved seeing Zuko walk out of the tent with iroh.
"Papa!" He ran over and Zuko knelt down to be leveled with his son. Before he could ask what was wrong, aito hugged him tightly, his grip was like steel when Zuko picked him up.
"Don't leave papa I don't want you to leave," aito whimpered as Zuko carried him with ease.
"It's just a little, grandpa iroh and Hakoda are going to take care of you for a little," zuko whispered back to him.
"But they don't know how to make tea like You do," aito nuzzled head head close to zukos cheek.
"Your the only one that likes my tea," Zuko chuckled kissing his head gently.
"Papa I'm gonna miss you," aito put both of his hands on zukos face and squished his dads cheeks.
"I'm going to miss you too Ai, I promise I'm coming back, I love you and your brother so much," Zuko laughed a little. Aito touched his fathers scar enjoying the texture, zukos heart melted at how his children had no fear of his face like other children did sometimes. It was normal to them and he knew they liked it because it meant their dad was the only one.
"You better or I'm coming after you old man," aito frowning nodding. Ren ran over and hugged his fathers leg smiling brightly.
"I'm counting on both of you to hunt me down," Zuko smiled kneeling to set aito down and embraced Ren in a tight squeeze.
"I'm counting on you two to watch each other too okay? If one of you gets nightmares the other one helps right?" Zuko placed his hands on each of their heads.
"Right," Ren nodded.
"Yes," aito smiled.
Zuko pulled them close again for one last hug before he take it all back and stay instead. He never imagined him being a father, more than less one that adored his children more than his own life. They were his world.
"I love you Ren, I love you aito, be good for me okay?" He kissed their heads as the kids held onto him tightly.
"Okay," aito gulped nodding as he let go first. Iroh came over and Zuko got up to hug his uncle.
"Take my brother down, my son," Iroh embraced his boy and patted his back.
"Make aito honey tea if he can't sleep, and Ren likes back rubs if he can't sleep, they like fruit more than candy, aito hates sugar snap peas but Ren will hide them under his pillow, and-" "paaaaaa," Ren and aito whined as Iroh couldn't help but laugh.
"Ok ok, you know better," Zuko put his hands up as Suki came over to tell him it's time to go.
"I want to hear how much fun you have with your grandpa okay?" He told his twins as Suki put a hand on his shoulder.
"Sooner we leave sooner we get back Zuko," Suki told him gently.
"Yea, yea let's go," Zuko swallowed a lump in his throat and turned away. Ren hugged Irish leg tightly and buried his face to not watch. Iroh picked up the gold eye twin to comfort and watched aito concerned.
Zuko got on appa next to Sokka as Katara sat in the front with the reins, Suki helped Toph over. Zuko couldnt look back at his boys.
"Appa yipp yipp," Katara called.
Aito's bottom lip trembled as he watched the bison lift off the ground, he started to run forward with his arms reached out and tears in his eyes.
"Papa!!" Aito cried as Hakoda caught him and lifted his grandson off the ground so he couldn't run away.
Zukos head immediately whipped around seeing his son crying in Hakodas arms. His heart felt like it was breaking but waved back to him. It wasn't going to be long. He'll be back soon.