~~
Rayver POV
"Regina."
I spun around to see her glare at me, but I didn't care. I don't give a single fuck if she's mad at me.
Suddenly, I heard two gasps.
Did… Did he just--
Hell, yeah! Il mio fratellino said his first curse word! Damn, I feel like a fuckin' proud mama!
"That's not the point right now!" I unintentionally yelled, not liking how she nonchalantly fist-bumped the air as if my first profanity was the main subject. "H-how are you one of the voices in my head and my old self is the other?! This doesn't make any sense at all! You say I shouldn't be here, but I believe that you shouldn't be here!"
She gave me a sad, pitying look, but was serious at the same time.
Rayver, don't you get it?
'Well, obviously no. No, I don't.' I thought, rolling my eyes.
Don't be sarcastic with me now.
How..?
As I was saying, don't you understand? What do we —your young self and I— mean by being here? In your subconscious? It's because of what you yourself think first.
I gave her a confused look. What does she mean by what I think first?
And, of course you wouldn't get it on the first try. Not that you shouldn't have bothered trying in the first place anyway.
Regina glared at eight-year-old Rayver who was sneering at me.
Quiet there, debolo. Rayver, what I mean by what you think first, is that we are made by you.
Your eight-year-old self was made because of the first time you doubted yourself. The first time in which you lost your self-confidence, even if it was just for a bit.
Every single person in the world has their own demons, their weaknesses, and their insecurities. It is just in our choice whether to feed that demon, or to exterminate it.
And now, you have to choose. Will you exterminate your insecurities?
I looked at her warily. "But… How can I do that? It's… He's been in my brain ever since I was a child. How can I just… Erase him? Erase those feeling of uncertainty and build self-confidence so quickly? I… I don't think I can do it." I whispered to myself.
Yeah, how can you do it? Oh, right. You can't! Wow, you're so pitiful that you can't even think of something good in you! I doubt you had one from the start anyway.
As I was listening to little Rayver's truthful words, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head mad and saw Regina. She was smiling gently at me.
That is what I'm here for, Rayver. You wanna know how I came to be? I arrived the first time you felt something that changed your whole self.
Hope.
Even though it was very tiny, you felt hope. And that hope came in the form of your sister, which is why I, the angel on one side of your shoulder, is in the form of your sister. It's because it's in her that you found the hope to live, love, and be loved.
"What about him?" I asked, pointing to my young self who was busy glaring at me and muttering bad things about me under his breath, "How come my insecurities came in the form of him?"
Because, Rayver, the only person stopping you from being free; the only person that is caging you; the only person that is pulling you down…
She planted her index finger on my heart, her violet-red eyes staring straight at my violet ones.
Is you.
My eyes widened. "W-wha– me??" She nodded.
Remember how I said a while ago that you had to exterminate your demons?
I nodded.
If your demons are in the form of your young self, it means that the one you have to defeat is yourself.
And only one person can do that. You.
"B-but… I can't! I-I don't know how to, nor do I believe I can… It's… It's just too much and too hard for me to do on my own!" I exclaimed, not trusting myself to be able to do it in the slightest. However, she replied to me with a smirk.
Who said that you're going to do this shit on your own?
A confused look is what replaced the overly anxious one I previously had. "But… I thought…" She grasped my shoulders, making me face her again, this time, head-on.
Rayver, just because you're the only one who can do it, doesn't mean you're alone in the process. This is the reason I am here. I am here to help you; to encourage you, and to enlighten you. I am here to help you through this all.
However, I am only here in your mind. There is someone out there who will help you in the real world.
I avoided her gaze, looking far away at the white nothingness that stretched out to until who knew where.
"How do you even know that she's out there for me? She never even came for me." Again, my sad words only caused another smirk.
How sure, exactly, are you with this information?
Are you forgetting the night of that rich people party? She clearly stated that he was useless and nothing to her. In which is most definitely true.
I couldn't help but agree with his statement.
Like I said before, maybe you only heard things that were out of context. Who knows, maybe she said those just to keep you safe! Who knows, maybe she hid things from you to keep you protected! Who knows, maybe she's already causing an early Armageddon out there trying to find you.
I looked at her, my face and emotions clearly shouting that I didn't believe her. "Again, how do you know that?"
I don't. But you believe me. Even if it's just a little bit of hope, you believe that she's still searching for you.
"H-how come you think that I still hold onto that idea?" I asked, not knowing what I was feeling. Am I relieved? Worried? Happy? Sad? Angry? Depressed?
The angel in the form of Regina only smiled at me again.
I wouldn't still be here if you've truly felt like all hope had been lost, Rayver.
~~
[1433]
I won't delete this part's AN because someone might need it.
{A/N: Hey Cagna!
Yaay! I actually go to explain it all! Now, do you guys understand why the italic voice is Ray's young self while the bold voice is Regina's? If you do, then great!
I hope that clears out questions, but if anyone needs more clarification of possible plot holes, don't hesitate to comment!
Oh, before I continue, I'd like to remind ya'll, fifteen votes, please! 15 stars before next update. Thanks!
Long unnecessary parts down there. Don't need to read, I just need to vent.
I do wish that the point of the chapter reaches you guys though. In all honesty, Rayver is originated from me. Believe it or not, I'm insecure. It's just not obvious with the amount of author notes I write.
The hurtful words that his demons tell him? They're all things I tell myself. So when I finish this book, I hope that I can go back and reread to myself, that my enemy is myself.
Another things is that word. The chapter title. 'Hope'.
Fun fact, I DESPISE that word.
Why? Because I had hoped. One too many times, and what happened? I always get my hopes up, but in the end, I'm the pitiful one. So, since the last time I got my hoes up for nothing, I told myself to never have hope anymore. Because it just hurts.
Other people may hate words like 'love' or 'trust', but I hate 'hope'.
So, when I look back at this chapter, I wish that not only I, but the readers, would realize that it's okay to have hope. Even when you have tons of insecurities that came from yourself, it's okay to have hope.
I am not ready to relive my hopes now, but in time, maybe I will.
One last thing, remember. While you are the only one who can defeat your demons, there are people around you that will help you.
Those people, are the people that you love, and loves you back.
Even though, like Rayver, you may think that they don't care, who knows? Maybe they do. And if they do, then you're in luck.
Because that person, is your light of hope.
From Me To You,
Z}