After Lando left to celebrate with his team, I tried to hide from my managers who had been running around the paddock looking for me. I failed eventually, though. They found me some minutes after I was being left alone in the McLaren motorhome. Now I was stuck in a car with them and I had to listen to Julian's disapproving words. I didn't really realise what he was saying though, because the feelings came back to me.
The feelings that overtook me when Lado told me about Lucas and how he had been hired to be my boyfriend. I didn't say a single word during the entire car ride back to the hotel, and Julian gave up lecturing me eventually. He realised himself that I wasn't listening or even mentally present.
As soon as the car stopped in front of the hotel, we got out of the car in silence. Not a single soul was talking and the silence was somehow calming. Being lectured again wasn't anything I could take anymore. I just wanted to face Lucas and ask him about the recent accusations from Lando's side. I also needed to escape the presence of my managers. Recently they had been more than a pain in the ass and I realised back at the track that I really needed some time off. I decided I would ask for that when I had talked things out with Lucas.
"Good night.", I said to my managers politely, but without emotions, as the elevator stopped on my storey. They mumbled their farewells as well, not because they wanted to wish me a good night, but because they had to. I quickly stepped towards my hotel room. Nervousness and anger now overtook my entire body and I couldn't stop my hand from shaking when I held up the card against the sensor. I also felt tears built up in my eyes, but I didn't want to cry already. I didn't even know if what Lando told me was true. Maybe he was just trying to break me and Lucas up because he was in love with me? Was that something people do when they were in love?
The big and heavy white door finally swung open and I faced a pretty dark room. The blinds covered most parts of the windows and denied the sunlight to light up the room. Overall the entire hotel room seemed left lonely and empty. Where was he? Was he taking a nap? At five in the afternoon?
"Lucas?", I asked into the room as quiet as I could as I stepped foot onto the carpet floor. I expected an answer, something like a happy greeting, but I was confronted with more silence. My eyebrows narrowed. This was odd.
My hands let my backpack drop onto the floor at the foot end of my bed and I scanned the big white sheets. It was unmade, but it didn't seem like there was somebody in there sleeping. The confusion now overtook and pushed the nervousness and anger aside. Where the hell was he?
I stepped even more into the room and towards the big golden curtains. With one swift motion, I pulled them apart so sunlight flooded the room. Even after turning around again, I found the room empty. My eyes scanned the floor and this was when I realised what was going on.
Lucas's bags and his suitcase was gone. The nightstand, that he usually used to charge all of his electronic devices was also empty. Not a single sign was pointing to him spending the next night here in this hotel room. I realised that he had left without telling me or letting me beforehand, but I couldn't quite wrap my head around it. He wouldn't just leave me, would he?
Just to be a hundred percent certain, I walked over to the bathroom and checked if his toiletries were still there. His toothbrush was gone. His face washing gel was gone. The special toothpaste he used to keep his bleached teeth as white as they were was also gone. The only things that were left in the bathroom were the things I used. So he really just left without telling me. Wow. Did he know that Lando told me about his contract? Or maybe he needed to get to a last-minute appointment? That was an option, right?
Just to make sure I didn't ignore a text from him, I checked my phone. But just as I feared, there was no text message from my boyfriend. My fingers automatically looked up our chat and I typed a quick message.
Tia, 17:19
"So you just left without telling me?"
Annoyance was now the controlling feeling. I really wanted, no, needed to settle this thing between us. I loved him but I couldn't shake the feeling that I can trust Lando about his accusations, even though I had my doubts about that. He was in love with me and I was in a long-term relationship with another lad. How was he supposed to get my attention otherwise?
I clicked onto another chat and typed another quick message. If somebody would know about where Lucas was or why he left, it would be Julian.
Tia, 17:19
"Why did Lucas leave and where did he go?"
To my surprise, the bubble showing that the other person was typing immediately appeared at the bottom of the chat and I waited tensely for the response.
Julian, 17:20
"His managers got him because of an appointment. I don't know any more than that. He left for New York around lunchtime."
Something in me screamed not to believe this bullshit. The feeling of him betraying me, even more, took over. The anger and annoyance came over. My hands started to shake and I felt dizzy. I needed to sit down if I didn't want to blackout here and now.
I sat down on the sofa and faced the windows. The view still was great, even though the sun wasn't even close to set yet. My eyes scanned the skyline of Montréal several times and I let my thoughts wander.
I knew that much: I was torn.
Torn in the decision between my wellbeing and my career. I knew the way my management handled and treated me wasn't healthy. I haven't eaten properly in weeks, except today with Pierre. I haven't cared about what my body told me, all the signs of pain and stiffness. I was working more than I should. I haven't got any days off since my visit to the Silverstone Grand Prix. I have been under the constant watch of my management. And most importantly in that matter, I have almost neglected my entire social life.
I was torn between which boy I should believe and trust more. And most importantly I was torn between Lando and Lucas. I knew I liked both of them. I was certain about loving Lucas though. But with Lando, it was completely different than with Lucas. I always felt like I needed to act and behave in a perfect way when I was with Lucas. Being around Lando, I was relaxed and felt safe. But Lucas gave me butterflies I just couldn't deny.
But what if Lando was right with his accusations? What if Lucas really was hired and paid to be my boyfriend? All of the feelings he gave me, all of the things we experienced together and all of the memories were based on lies then. The way he always told me he was feeling about me would be made up. And all the plans we talked about before would just be false promises.
I felt warm liquid dripping down my cheeks. I was crying and I haven't even realised. I placed my feet closer to my butt and wrapped my arms around my legs. The tears just kept flowing down as I placed my chin on my knees. The fabric of my leggings was slowly drenching with the tears. My gaze just stared forward out of the window. My head suddenly felt like it was 10 tons heavy. Thoughts were running around my head but I couldn't focus anymore. It was just too much, all this thinking and trying to figure out this situation. All the different feelings I had to deal with.
I didn't know how long I just sat there, but after some minutes, there was a knock on my hotel door. While wiping away my tears I walked over to the entrance. I didn't even care to try to stop crying. I knew I would fail miserably. Without peeking through the door spy first, I opened the door with a strong swing. I faced Lando. He was smiling brightly, but it immediately disappeared when he saw my state.
"You're crying.", he remarked and I let out a little laugh.
"You're unbelievable, Sherlock Holmes.", I responded as I just left the door open and stepped back into my room. I dropped back onto the spot I sat in before and pulled in my legs again. Lando followed me into my room and closed the door quietly behind him. After some more seconds, he let himself down onto the sofa in front of me, since I was leaning against the armrest with my back.
His eyes scanned my face as I was scanning the skyline again. My head was still empty from the exhaustion. We sat there in silence for some moments but I enjoyed it. His company alone was calming and not talking for some minutes was the exact thing that I needed right now.
"Can I do something to make you feel better?", Lando asked me while he was still scanning my face. His expression showed compassion and I really had the feeling that he wanted to help me. Again, I let out a quiet laugh. I usually hated crying in front of people, but with him it was different.
"Taking away this brokenness would be great but I don't think you can do that.", I said in some joking way and made him smile a little. I broke our eye contact for a second and looked down onto the sofa.
"It's just a lot to deal with right now in terms of feelings and things.", I explained further. Afterwards, I looked at his eyes again.
"Do you maybe want to talk about your feelings?", Lando suggested. "I know it's not always easy to do that but it really is the best way. And you know I'm always here for you, don't you?" I nodded lightly. Even though he never actually offered it, I knew I could always talk to him honestly and openly. That's just the feeling I had when I spent time with him.
"I can be completely honest with you?", I asked just to make sure and Lando nodded determinedly.
"Of course.", he responded.
"I'm actually having little doubts about what you were telling me today.", I explained and looked for a reaction in his face. He didn't show much, but for a split second pain showed on his face and he looked hurt. But as fast as it appeared on his face, as fast it was gone again.
"Okay.", he stated quietly. "I bet this must be so confusing and hard right now, but why are you having these doubts?" His voice was soft and calm, the exact thing I needed right now. His body turned fully towards me and his left arm rested on the backrest of the sofa, so his hand laid on my knee. With any other guy, I would be uncomfortable right now, also because of Lucas and the fact that I didn't want to cheat on him, but as I said before. Everything was different with Lando. I held in a moment, trying to sort out the words I would say next.
"I know you're in love with me." My words were plain and straight-up but still non-judgemental and nice. Lando's face didn't react. At least I couldn't see a reaction. He just straight up looked at me and didn't break eye contact with my gaze. He wasn't saying what I said was true, but he also wasn't denying it. And we both knew that him being silent only confirmed my statement.
"So the reason why I'm having doubt is exactly that fact.", I tried to explain my thought process. Lando stayed silent but still listened to me carefully and was interested.
"I can't shake the thought of you trying to break me and Lucas up so you could try to get with me then. I just don't have proof that you're right."
As soon as I spoke these words, I regretted them. I didn't want to accuse Lando of anything and I also truly didn't believe he would do such a thing but that was just the way I was feeling. And he asked me to talk about my feelings and thought so I did. Because I felt safe and comfortable. I expected him to freak out and fight off these accusations. I expected him to get furious and scream at me about how I could think such a thing. That's how Lucas would react, but to my surprise, Lando didn't react the way I expected.
He just stayed silent and still listened to see if I had more to say. I didn't though, so I scanned his face. I guessed the surprise was clearly set on my face. I wasn't able to hide it right now.
"But you also don't have proof that I'm wrong.", Lando said and I had to agree. I also expected him to start arguing with me now, after these somewhat hard words, but he stayed calm and collected. It felt like he was understanding my point of view on this entire mess.
"Look," he started and turned his body even more towards me. He also leaned a little forward so we were closer together.
"I don't know if you already know this but the past relationship I was in was really not that great. The girl lied to me non-stop and I was too much in love to realise all of this. The feeling I felt in that relationship is something I never want to wish somebody. I felt like shit and just miserable. I swore to myself that I would never do that to another person. I never want anybody to feel that way. Especially not you, Tiana."
There was that nickname again. Goddammit. It didn't exactly make things easier. I nodded for some seconds and looked down at the sofa again. Hearing these words out of his mouth didn't make things easier for me. His understanding and kindness were overwhelming me a little. I just didn't expect him to react this way. I finally found the strength to look him in the eyes again. He didn't take his eyes off of me the entire time, I reckoned.
"That's very sweet.", I just brought forward. Silence settled in between us again. But just as before it wasn't awkward. We sat there for what felt like an eternity and looked at each other. Smiles grew on our lips, even though mine was just a weak one. I was tired and overwhelmed. Lando noticed that too.
"I think I should go. You look tired.", he stated and stood up from the sofa. His hand left my knee and left a cold shiver in its place because of the sudden loss of warmth. He looked down at me and waited for me to stand up as well.
"Yea.", I agreed. "I also have to pack up my things for my flight tomorrow. Don't wanna do it in the morning." Lando agreed with a nod, then walked to the door. I followed him slowly. Before he opened the door, he turned around to me again. His hand laid on the door handle.
"Ehm, thank you for listening to me.", I thanked him. It meant a lot to me that he was actually interested in my feelings and willing to listen.
"Yea, of course.", he said quietly. His eyes were scanning my face again like he was trying to remember every little detail about it for later. His lips parted a little bit as he stopped at my lips. My breath stopped for a second as I felt the atmosphere change. My own lips parted a little as well without me controlling it. His eyes went back up to meet mine.
"You know what, fuck it." His words surprised me but I couldn't react to them. Lando's eyes went back down to my lips as he stepped towards me. In the next moment that I fully sensed, I found his hands on my waist. He pushed me just a little bit back but his hands and arms quickly pulled me back to him. Our chests touched and he crashed his lips onto mine. It felt like he held back and waited for this moment for so long. I felt his body relaxing a little bit, almost like a burden felt off of his body when he finally connected his lips to mine.
I didn't have time to think or to react consciously. I was overwhelmed by his sudden determination and I had to say I liked it. It suited him well to take or do what he wanted. Our lips have moved in sync in a good couple of moments before I realised how my body reacted to his action.
One of my hands was tangled in his hair, the other one was laying on his waist. One of my feet took a small step forward so I was even closer to him. I had closed my eyes and my lips automatically matched his movements. My breath was irregular, only actually inhaling air when our lips parted for a moment. I felt my heart beating in my neck, not faster but stronger. There was a nice feeling in my stomach. Not like the butterflies I felt with Lucas, but just as nice, if not even nicer. When my brain consciously realised my actions, it screamed and begged me to stop. So in the next possible moment, I pulled my head a little away from his.
When I opened my eyes, I looked directly into Lando's eyes. He was a little disappointed about me pulling away from the kiss. He scanned my face like he was trying to read my feelings right now. I wanted to tell him I enjoyed the kiss, very much so, but I couldn't. I felt like I cheated on Lucas. And I couldn't bear this feeling for a lot longer. That's why I stopped.
"Lando, I -.", I tried to explain and pulled a little more away.
"I know. You can't.", he explained with a hurt voice, but he was still understanding. "It's alright." His hands let go of my waist and my arms also dropped down the sides of my body again.
"I'm sorry.", I said. My eyes carefully scanned his face to see how much I hurt him with my actions.
"No, don't be. It's alright, really.", he assured me and this time I believed him. His voice sounded way more convincing and like it was telling the truth. I didn't know what to say so I just nodded and crossed my arms in front of my chest.
"I really should go now.", Lando said as he laid his hand back on the door handle. His body turned to the door, but he held in for one more second. Then he faced me again.
"Oh, I almost forgot the reason I was here.", Lando said and I looked at him in a jokingly hurt way. I wanted to ease the atmosphere between us and show him we were still good.
"So you're telling me you didn't come here to steal a kiss?", I asked and acted indignantly. Lando laughed out loud, then laid his eyes back on me in all seriousness.
"Maybe you can ask your mother about this contract of Lucas. She is really involved in your management, isn't she?", he suggested. It was a good idea and definitely worth a shot.
"That's a good idea, Lando.", I remarked. "I will ask her about it. Thank you." Lando nodded and took one more look at me before he opened the door and disappeared into the corridor of the hotel.