«Rendez un homme jaloux et il finira en prison.»
«Make a man Jealous, and he will end up in jail.»
~~~~~
I jerked the menu off the table and scanned the choices: waffles Benedict, banana cream cheese stuffed French toast, baked chorizo Frittata... none of these was appealing to my eyes or made my mouth watery, was I even hungry? It was ten in the morning, and I already got a big breakfast: Lemon Ricotta Poppyseed pancakes. Julian's card was doing a big favor to my appetite.
"So, how are you?" I put the menu back on the table, paying my attention to my dearest friend I hadn't seen in a while.
"I am doing extraordinary, and you?" Chris responded without taking his eyes from the menu, his leg crossed on the side, his light brown sweater matching his pants. He has changed a little bit since the last time we talked face to face. His patchy beard grew, and he cut his brown hair shorter.
"Pfft! Great and great." I peeked at my new nude and long coffin acrylics nails. My hand was bored. "How's everything going?"
"Also marvelously great and on your part?"
"Perfect, perfect." I changed my sitting position, my foot playfully tapping the floor. "So, how were your days?"
"Xemina, you have something to tell me, so please go ahead." He still wasn't looking up.
"What? Me? Why would you think I have something to tell you?"I nervously laughed.
"You asked me the same question in three different formats, and when I returned the favor, you answered with double words. I don't believe you are suddenly interested in my Christian life. You are tapping your foot. You changed your sitting position for the fourth time, looked at the menu thrice without making a choice."
Damn it!
I sighed and flipped my hair off my shoulder. "Fine. I didn't know if I should be telling you, but you have been such a good friend and support to me. I think it wouldn't hurt for you to know."
"Julian and you are dating." He effortlessly lowered the menu and set it on the table.
Okay, what?
"How did you..."
"One of my main traits is that I like to observe, which is why I decided to use that trait to help other people to find the spirit of God. Back to you." He cleared his throat.
"Today, when I laid eyes on you. I noticed that you had changed. The old Xemina, always wrapped around with sadness, uncertainty, loneliness, anger, hopeless and so much more, is now replaced with this suddenly smiling, excited, full of life with no worries, and I just knew." He shrugged.
"Since the first day we talked, you were clearly attracted to him, but I decided not to tell anything and let you figure it out yourself. You were blinded by denial and hate. You put up a pretty good fight against your envy. It was a matter of time you succumbed. He hurt you a lot, and the truth is if it weren't for your feelings, you wouldn't go through all these emotions or let him in as you did. Secondly, you called me at four in the morning after you two had a heart-to-heart conversation. It was obvious, but again it wasn't my place to tell you that."
"So you just knew?"
"I am glad the hate and pain are over because there is no happiness and grace in negative emotions. As long you two are being careful and avoiding having sexual relationships."
Oh, not at all!
How could I avoid having sex with Julian? There was nothing about him that wasn't sexy except his left toe. He was susceptible and insecure about that nailless toe.
The way he walks with confidence, his deep voice, his full towering height, his Colgate and seductive smile, the deep blue crystalline eyes that would make you melt, his defined and strong jawline, his lips are so softly thick and sensual. I just wanted to suck the lower all day and the abundant silky hair, the way it fell on his face, he flipped it around, or he put it in a bun. Those massive shoulders to grip on, his hard chest and abs covered with tattoos. Oh, the arms and legs muscles contracting, he could crush my head with those massive thighs, and I would say thank you. His veiny and ringed hands around my throat, his large and muscular back, and the narrow hips that will send you to heaven with those strokes and body whine and roh oh oh! His dick, his fucking tattooed dick, so long, so big, so veiny, so fucking perfect GNAM GNAM GNAM!!! I just wanted to choke on it, watch him speak tongue when he was inside me, destroying my gut. He always smelled so expensive and exotic. He has a way he turned you on with the slightest eye contact. He knew what he was doing, and oh God! The sex. When started speaking Spanish, the way he moved his body, he turned you around and made you squirt all over-
"Xemina!!!" Chris snapped his fingers near my face.
"Hunh?" I jumped in my seat. "I am sorry," I whispered and bowed my head to hide my cheeks redden of shame. I adjusted and crossed my legs, already feeling a tingling sensation between my thighs, and I rushed of fire seizing me. I was thankful to God for my common sense to wear a fur jacket, or my nipples would have embarrassed me; I was that horny for him at that moment.
"You were daydreaming when I mentioned sexual relationship with Julian." He meekly said.
"SOOOO, What do we have here in this menu?" I grabbed the menu for the millionth time, desperately avoiding this conversation while I was aroused. I would die of embarrassment.
He sat up straight and reached over the table to hold my hands. "Xemina, I would never judge you for anything. This is not my job, and only God is capable of that. It's our nature to sin, which is why God sent his son to die so our sins could be forever forgiven. The only thing he asks you in return is to be honest with yourself and him, admit to our sins and imperfection, and we will be washed off from our transgressions. Let the gospel of the lord embrace our salvation."
"Julian is a very handsome man. I may have stalked his social media pages a few days ago, he has a vast number of followers, and they are primarily young females drooling over his pictures. He is the embodiment of lust. You, as his girlfriend, I don't expect you to feel differently, even worse. You were daydreaming about him." He raised two fingers to call a waiter.
"Be true to yourself. Sex is an art. An art in which you have the probability of creating beautiful human beings. You both are young and still learning about controlling your emotions, so no babies."
Well, I couldn't have any child anyways, not at that moment. I was fond of the idea of a mini-me running around the world. I wanted two or three, enough not to make them feel lonely as I grew up being the only child with difficult parents. My mother was the prime example of what I shouldn't be as a mother, and my father taught me how to love and spend quality time with my child even when work was suffocating me. I planned for my first child to be born in two years. It was an early age, but the idea of not seeing my children fully grown with kids was a nightmare. However, these were all hopeless dreams.
After Chris and I had our breakfast, we hung out at a park, rambling around the trees, discussing the meaning of life. In his perspective, life was growth, contribution, connection, and creativity, which was interesting. His definition came from understanding God's work through the Bible. I believed life was unnecessary. We breathed, ate, worked, and died. Our earmark would be remembered for a time; then, we would be forgotten, wiped away from the face of the earth. The fifth generation of your family won't even acknowledge your existence in this universe. Every thought of you would flow out with time. We lived to die, and that was the true meaning of life.
The gray Ford parked on the east parking lot. I finished eating my snicker chocolate bar. I kissed Chris on the cheek. We said goodbye, and I got out of the car. I waived at him until he left the parking. I began to walk to my dorm when I decided to check my phone. I turned the device on and immediately received a message from Julian.
"Get your ass to the BA, 303. NOW!"
Uh oh. Did he know I went out this morning? How the hell he knew I was back? Oh, shit, the BA faced the parking lot, and he might have been watching Chris dropping me off.
I forgot to tell Julian I was having Breakfast with Chris. I thought it wasn't that important. He was a good friend, and there was nothing to worry about, but his message sounded furious. That wasn't good.
I didn't respond and headed to the Business Administration. I was purposely walking slow. I knew he was going to have a jealousy rage. I took the elevator instead of the stairs. Inside was crowded with at least eight students. I made small conversations with them to ease my anxious thoughts. The elevator stopped to the third floor, my clammy hand pushed the classroom door. He was waiting, leaning on the teacher's desk, his arms folded. He was so fine with his dark purple shirt, half-buttoned, his sleeves rolled up. He was wearing sunglasses which was weird since the morning was cloudy, and we were inside.
"Hey, baby." I faintly smiled and approached him for a hug, but he lightly moved away from my touch.
"You had fun on your date?" He bitterly reproached me.
I sighed. "He is just a friend, Julian. He was in town, and at the last moment he wanted to hang out, and we went to Fran's restaurant. That's it. Don't make it into something it's not."
"He is just a friend, but he picked you up, take you to a restaurant, your phone was on silent, and you finally showed up after two hours and expected me to be all lovey-dovey. Who the fuck do you think I am?" He started to raise his tone.
"Okay, I should have told you. It's just I didn't think it was a big deal."
He sardonically laughed. "Oh yeah, It's not a big deal? I mean, why would it be? We are not a public couple, after all. You gave me so much shit for talking to a child, but you think it's just okay to go hang out with another guy? and not any guy. This guy I saw you multiple times leaving campus with him before, always hugging and shit. What the fuck is going on in your head?"
"Okay, you are taking this out of context. Chris is not like that. He is a guy studying to be a reverend." I tried to reasoned with him.
"Now you're defending him? That's the lie he told you so he can have a chance to fuck you? What's next? The Angel Michael told him he should be Gay and wants to do movie nights"
"Are you insinuating I am cheating on you?" I squinted my eyes, unable to believe he would think of something like that.
"You fucking tell me." He muttered.
He was serious. I scoffed and ran my hand through my hair. I was getting frustrated with this shitty conversation.
"I just told you he was studying to be a reverend. Are you nut? Look, I am sorry I didn't tell you. But do you even trust me?"
"It's not you that I don't trust. You can hang out with who the hell you want. But when you just get up and go hang out with a guy that I don't even know shit about, to get breakfast. I called you thinking we will have our little morning talk; you have already gone with someone else with your phone off. I only fucking knew you left in a gray Ford because some girls were gossiping about it. And how the hell do you expect me to react? I am not good with trusting other guys around people that I love. May I remind you what happened last time I did that?" He snapped.
"Okay, but he is-."
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHO HE IS." He yelled at me, startling every fiber in my body. "He can be Christ himself or whatever man of God bullshit you're trying to make him be; it doesn't make him any better in my eyes. As a matter of fact, these people hide behind God's name to justify their bullshit! They are the reason this world is that fucked up! They are the worst people ever. That guy still got a dick, and that's enough for me not to trust him!"
What the fuck was going on? He never raised his voice at me in an argument. I was baffled, yet I was calmed. He didn't frighten me in the slightest. I would let him have his jealousy crisis.
I observed his posture, and something was off. It was clear he leaned on the desk for support and couldn't stand straight, and the sunglasses bothered me. What was the point of wearing them?
"Then, why the fuck are you yelling at me? I apologized and told you what happened. That's it. What are you going to do about that?"
"He is this and that. I hope he is bulletproof, though."
He was too calm when he said that. I preferred when he was yelling than hearing those sinister words.
"You're kidding?"
"I don't know, ask Jake."
His words struck me like lightning. The mentioning of Jake brought back memories of a few months ago when I learned he killed him. I forgot who he was and what he was capable of. He was threatening to kill Chris. I didn't understand why he was suddenly that violent. This wasn't the first time he saw me talk to a guy. Most of the time, he did his little jealousy dance then we were good.
He was emotionless; I couldn't read his eyes, he kept the same position during our argument. His breathing was short and unsteady, and his arms never unfolded.
"What are you saying?" I breathed.
"You're in a relationship with me, not jail. You do whatever you want, you talk and hang out with whoever you want, all I expect from you is Loyalty, and I know you will never do me wrong, and I am not worry about that. I am not going to ever control you because I am not your dad. But him? That's not the first time y'all left campus together. His plate number is GFHA- 768. If he touches you once, so help me, God, I will put a bullet between his eyes. Are we clear?"
"You're fucking crazy." I scoffed, extremely shocked to hear him threatening Chris in such a manner.
"Glad you fucking know that." He stood upright. He turned to leave when I grabbed his waist. He lost his balance and bear on the desk again for the support.
"Julian, what is wrong with you?" I grew a concerned tone. I was still mad, and shock about his attitude but something else concerned me. This man was fit, had a trainer and a nutritionist. It was bizarre of him to lost his balance that easily.
"I am fine."
That was an ugly lie. I realized he never unfolded his arms because his hands were shaking.
"I know you're mad at me, but don't lie to me. Your hands are shaking, baby. You are not doing good."
"Can you let go of my hand so I can go to class?" I fumingly groaned.
"Take off your sunglasses."
He smacked his lips and aggressively jerked his wrist off my grip. He tried to walk away from me, but I pushed him back on the desk.
"You going to fight me to get out of this classroom if you're not going to let me see your eyes."
"Mind your own fucking business and get the hell out of my way." He hissed.
"You are my fucking business; now take it off." I firmly ordered him.
He didn't listen and pushed the desk backward with his weight to make space to get away. If he weren't going to take the sunglasses off, I would. I hopped and knocked the shade off his face. The pair of tinted lenses clanged on the floor, revealing his red and irritated eyes, his pupils morbidly dilated.
He was on drugs. What the hell?
"Julian, what did you do to yourself?" I whispered.
He didn't respond. He quickly grabbed the sunglasses off the ground. I grazed his biceps to force him to look at me. We starred at each other for few seconds in silence before he faltered to the door.
He promised me he would stop smoke and I doubted that it was marijuana. He was high on something else, and it worried me sick. That explained his aggressive behavior, his rickety balance, and why he was wearing sunglasses.
I couldn't comprehend my feelings for the rest of the day. I should be angry he menaced Chris, but I was too perturbed by his demeanor. I stared at the windows during lectures, thinking of why he would dose himself. The imagery of the scars on his arm raised my anxiety. What if he was back at it again? I began to panic.
I called and called; he didn't answer. I didn't saw him at lunch. I looked everywhere and miraculously found Juan in the hallways. It was a relief when he informed me, Julian spent his day in his dorm, studying because he had a 90% in Communication.
I still had this knot tied in my chest. He was alone inside, and I didn't know what was going through his head. He kept ignoring my calls, and I couldn't go to his dorm. I was going nuts.
I sent a quick message to Agea to come to hang out with me at my dorm. It was time I told her the truth and alleviated my edginess.
After class, as I watched a documentary about Lions Pride in Luangwa Valley, I heard a knock. I lumbered to the door and let a complaining Agea in.
"They are utterly disrespectful! It's not Spring yet, and they are already wearing yellow!" She stomped inside.
"People are allowed to wear whatever they want, Agea." I sighed and fell on the couch with her.
"That is a lie! People are supposed to dress according to the seasons, and just because we started March, you should wear spring colors." She groaned.
"Anyways, this isn't why I asked you to be here." I crossed my legs, toying with my middle finger's ring. It was Julian's pinky ring, I took it, and he never asked for it back. He had nice and expensive things and He loved when I wore or stole his clothes. If I could borrow his shoes, I would but he had some big ass feet.
When I learned his shoe size was fourteen, I almost had a heart attack. This boy didn't walk; he slapped the ground for no reason.
"Talk fast. I have a date with Juan, and I need to be prepare. I think he is taking me to TOCA, but he doesn't want to tell me." She dreamily rolled her eyes.
"Okay, you are an excellent friend, and I-."
She took out a bag of Doritos from her purse. The cranky noise of the plastic ripping open interrupted my sentence.
I took a deep breath and continued. "I have something I can't keep any longer, and it's reasonable for you to know."
"Oh, God! Are you going to die?" She gasped while loudly chewing. "Is it cancer?"
How did she come up with that conclusion?
"No, I am not going to die, and I don't have cancer." I rubbed my forehead.
"Oh, then what is it?" She frowned.
"I- Um- Julian and I are dating for a month now."
A heavy silence followed my words. She froze, and the Doritos fell on my couch and slid through the crack. I would have to fish that later.
"Oh my God! Finally, it was fucking time you guys fuck!" She exhaled.
"What?" I queried. I was expecting another reaction.
"It is so hard to be friends with you both, and that tension was suffocating me. And I kind of had an idea about that."
"What do you mean you had an idea?"
"Bitch, I might be blonde, but I am not dumb." She rolled her eyes. "I would try to hang out with you, but you are gone, then I would go hang out with him; he is also gone. He would come back later with his neck full of hickeys. Then the necklace and Bracelet, no motherfucker in this school like Diamonds and rare stones like Julian and for my conclusion, Sam."
"Oh, you know Sam?" My eyes widened.
"I was dating Julian when he helped his mom; of course, I knew him! But I let you had your little tantrum in the coffee shop because I was 70% certain you were fucking Julian. The math added up."
"So...you're not mad I am dating your ex?" I asked under my breath.
She burst out laughing, Cheetos dust felling from her mouth on the couch.
My poor couch.
"Girl, please." She wiped the corner of her eyes. "We dated for popularity. We were never a real couple, we were friends, and I needed to boost myself to the top. The only time we were intimate was in threesomes and orgies-."
"Okay, I didn't need to know that." I bitterly cut her.
"I am mad you waited this long to tell me, though." She crossed her legs and slowly put a chip in her mouth while squinting her eyes. "Does Xavier know about this?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, now I am extra mad." She pouted.
"Well, he caught us after we had sex in the locker room."
"Oh yuck!" She coughed. "Not the locker room! The infirmary is way better."
"Anyways, it doesn't matter." I sighed and rested my head on the sofa. "I went to see a friend this morning and didn't tell him. Now he is all mad and not responding to my call."
"Oh yeah. You should know this about De Elveros. They are jealous and possessive. Give him a little bit of space, and he will come around."
That was the problem. I didn't want to give him space. I couldn't tell Agea more. It was complicated. I was afraid he would do something stupid. Julian had more problems eating his inside. And if I didn't hear from him tonight, I would go crazy. I was afraid he kept doing whatever drug he was high on this morning. I just wanted to be there for him. I might be the only one he had here and truly knows about who he is.
"How's the sex, though?"
"Oh, absolutely not! I would not talk about this with you. Get up!! Hop! hop!" I stood up. "You have a date to go. Get out."
"Wha- oh come on now!" She also stood up. " I bet you told Xavier, that's not fair!" She protested.
"Completely fair, BYE!!! We will talk later. I love you." I pushed her back outside and slammed the door.
I plodded to the kitchen to drink some water. I chugged the water bottle and desperately dialed Julian's number. It rang until the robotic female voice sent me to voicemail. I hung up and threw the water bottle in the trash can.
I decided to study and do my homework to take my mind off things. Tomorrow morning, no matter how many times he wanted to ignore my calls, be angry and petty, I needed to check on him. I was fighting the envy to knock on his door, but I was risking getting caught and filmed by someone.
All I could do is pray to God; he would be okay.
~~~~~