Warning: Mentions of sexual abuse.
AU: The storyline might be kind of messed up and I don’t even know if it makes sense now. Also, this one is pretty sad. And it’s quite long. Enjoy. :) By the way, I am not sure if I portrayed trauma correctly. I am really sorry if it isn’t accurate.
*Roger’s POV*
“Come on, Rog! Let’s go to the treehouse!”
Both of us were holding a bag of random things. Mostly snacks and liquor. We would usually go up there and hang out. We would talk about lots of stuff like music, things he saw with his new telescope, some memories……
We also did a lot of things, such as singing songs, reading, stargazing, snacking while playing some stupid games, and… practice hugging and kissing. And that, was the thing that bothered me the most whenever he invited me to the treehouse.
There was once we were at the treehouse just chilling. We were sitting side to side lazily. It was very silent. The only sounds to be heard were the wind blowing in the trees, a few birds chirping, and some crickets making noises. At one point, Brian decided to break the silence.
“Rog. Are you awake?”
“Yeah,” I yawned. “What is it?”
“I want to do something,” A few seconds passed by. “But I need to ask you a question, and I also need to ask for your permission.”
It must be serious then. He had never been this sincere when asking about helping him out with something. I turned to face him.
“Rog, I need you to be frank with me.” He bit his lip. “Have you ever kissed before? Aside from your family, and, on your lips?”
Woah. What? I wasn’t expecting that at all. I could feel myself become nervous. I averted my eyes away from him and just said “yes” even though that wasn’t the truth. I couldn’t believe how stupid that was. Like, it was just a question. It was just your best friend asking you. Why did you have to be so afraid about telling the truth?
I just couldn’t face the fact that I was into my best friend more than I thought. Like, I had always known that I would be nervous around boys more than girls, but I never thought that I would feel these “butterflies” in my stomach when I am near him.
It felt weird to me. Every time we hang out together, I always felt like I needed to hide something from him. I couldn’t be my true self. Because I was scared if he were to find out that I constantly think about small moments when we accidentally touch each other, or have some kind of “flirtatious” moments, he might think that I was disgusting and our relationship wouldn’t be as good as it used to be.
He smiled looking at my reaction. I was blushing. I knew it and I hated it. Also, probably my whole face looked anxious. Oh, my God, what was I going to do?
“Um, well……”
“There is nothing to be shy about even if you’ve never had a kiss.” He placed a hand on my upper arm, in an attempt to calm me down. What he didn’t know was that he was making the situation even more difficult.
“I have never been kissed like that before…” I quietly said. Gosh, stop thinking about him going to pull you in right now and just hold you in his arms.
“Me neither. I do want to ask you something, though.” He cleared his throat. “Can… this might sound a little crazy, but… can we both be kissing practice partners?”
“What?! A little crazy?!” Brian’s smile dropped a bit.
“I’m sorry, I reacted too strongly, I-”
“No. I’m sorry. What was I thinking anyway.” Even though he chuckled at the end of the sentence, he didn’t seem to be joking.
“Bri, no, I am sorry to react that way. It’s just that… It felt all of a sudden, you know what I mean?”
“It’s OK if you don’t want to, I understand why you would say no.”
“Give me some time to think about it.”
I turned around, looking out of the treehouse. I could tell the Sun was about to go down in about an hour. I smiled, thinking about the fact that Brian would be comfortable about kissing me. On the freaking lips. My dreams were turning into a reality.
I had to think of a way to not show too much glee. I rolled my shoulders a few times. Inhaling through my nose, then exhaling through my mouth. Just pretend that it was a normal and casual thing.
“Bri,” I said, biting my lip to remind myself to not smile. “Okay. I think it’s fine to be kissing partners.”
“Really?” His eyes sparked and widened. He was making it extra harder to not smile. He is so adorable.
“Yeah. I trust you with this. 100%.”
“How about your first kiss?”
“It’s going to be your first as well.”
“But… you really don’t mind it being me?”
I shook my head. Maybe a little too passionately. But that made Brian smile and quickly pull me down to sit across from him.
“So I read this article about, wait a second,” he pulled out his notebook from his bag, “this article about how to kiss. And… I just want to learn how to do it……”
“Okay…?” I couldn’t help but wonder why he would want to learn how to do it. There must be something he was up to. Before I could stop myself, the question rolled off my tongue.
“Why do you want to learn how to do that?”
A blush creeped on his cheeks. He chuckled lightly, looking away from my eyes. There must be something he had in mind.
“Nothing! It’s just that… I want to stop being a loser in high school. I want to be… cool.”
“Is that so?”
“Anyways,” He was changing the subject. But, whatever. I shouldn’t force him to tell me something he didn’t want to share. That would be too nosey of me.
He started to tell me the steps of kissing and what was important. We were only going to do the easiest kiss, which is basically a peck on the lips. That’s it.
In my mind, I kept on thinking about something else. Was there a special someone? And if there was, then who would it be?
Probably not me.
“Do you understand what I mean? Roger?”
“Oh! Yeah. Yes, I do.”
I dozed out, didn’t I? I actually wasn’t very sure of what to do, but I could try and go with the flow.
Brian placed both hands on my shoulders. That was already able to make me hold onto my breath involuntarily. He scooted even closer to me. He was so close I could feel his warm breath on my face whenever he talked.
“Are you ready?”
I nodded my head, feeling my face heat up as seconds ticked by.
The gap between us closed slowly. From an inch, to a centimeter, to a millimeter, then to nothingness.
I closed my eyes, trying to relax myself. His soft lips brushed against mine before they lay on my lips. A shock of electricity ran through my veins. I thought my heart was going to race through my skin. I had never been this high without cigarettes before.
He went ahead and kissed me on the
We got out of the kiss and he gazed into my eyes like he never did before. His lips were pouty and his eyes were sparkly. He looked so gorgeous.
“Woah. Our first kiss.”
Still shocked, I didn’t reply right away. I was shaking like a scared puppy. I tried forming words but I couldn’t.
“You’re shaking.” He held my hand and caressed it. Just as if I were his little pet dog.
It took a little while for me to get myself back together. Did I share my first kiss with the boy of my dreams? And then he was comforting me because that action affected me quite a lot?
“I know,” I said in a barely perceptible voice.
“Do you… like it? Um… do you regret it?”
Now he looked like a puppy with his eyes looking sad like that.
“No! I don’t! I- I……” I hope this isn’t a one time thing. “I don’t regret anything at all.” Yeah, better not say that. Good job, Roger.
Silence took place in between us and I was starting to blush again. Because Brian looked so good with the yellow light of the Sun shining on his face. Oh my freaking God, the way he squinted his eyes.
“I don’t either. I’m happy that you don’t regret it,” he smiled and stared into my eyes. He held a strand of hair and moved it behind my ear.
He suddenly smiled, which made me have to look away. I was… just too shy to face him. Then he went from smiling to chuckling.
“What?” I didn’t know why I sounded as if I were offended. But I usually kind of “get mad” when I blush. I don’t exactly know why.
“What are you thinking about?” He said as he twirled a strand of hair in between his fingers.
“Nothing!”
“Okay! Chill, Rog. It was just a question.”
He continued to play with the strand of my hair for a few minutes. I was expecting him to pull me in for another kiss, but it never came.
Out of the blue, he stood up in the most unromantic way ever, completely ruining the moment.
“I think we should go back now. It’s getting kind of late.”
“Yeah, sure.”
We walked back in silence as the sky started to darken. It was a silent walk. Guessed we were both tired.
In my mind, I couldn’t stop replaying the scenes when we closed the gap in between us. A rush of excitement ran through me when our lips touched. When he played with a strand of my hair, not knowing how much it affected me.
I also remembered something very vividly. His eyes. How beautiful they were. The color of his eyes were like chocolate, but with a slightly green shine on it sometimes. And how he looked at me that day. They tend to look softer on that particular day. I don’t know. It could be my hallucination.
On the way home even until I got into bed, Brian was always on my mind. I tried to emulate the kiss and the way he played with my hair, but it was impossible. No matter what I did, it could never be as good as the real thing.
Each and every time I saw him and hung out in his treehouse, I really wanted to reenact our first kiss once again. But ever since the first, we never had a second. Would that be our last?
Days and days, weeks and weeks, months and months gone by. As if the kiss was just a little experiment. Like it didn’t mean anything to him. Of course it wouldn’t.
But it mattered to me.
“Here we are, Rog!”
“Yeah.”
“Come on. I got something pretty crazy and special for us. Cheer up now.” He patted me on the shoulder.
We climbed up the ladder and into the treehouse. He motioned me to sit next to him so I did.
The kiss was so unforgettable that whenever we got in there, I could only think of that one particular moment all over again. Sitting face to face, holding our breaths, and coming close to each other to share a magical moment together.
“Have a drink. What would you like?”
I just grabbed anything that looked colorful. Probably colorful enough to light up my mood that had been quite unsteady for the past few months.
“Cheers!”
I clinked his drink with mine and I started to chug it. Maybe if I got drunk. I could forget all these bullshit thoughts about something that would not happen again.
Brian quite frequently asked me if I was fine. I always answer the word “nothing” as I shrugged in the most nonchalant way possible.
I knew he was trying to make me feel better in various ways. He brought in so many games and interesting facts to share. But they didn’t seem to work. Basically I had no passion for anything at the moment.
God, I felt so useless. Brian shouldn’t be the one to cheer me up. I shouldn’t feel this way at all. I was causing him too many problems. I should’ve treated him better. He didn’t deserve to be affected by my personal moods.
“I think it’s time.” Brian said as I was being a pessimist.
I look toward him, wondering what other things could he possibly prepare for us to do. I mean, it had already been months since I had been like this. How did he still have ideas?
He placed his unfinished drink beside him, and raised his arms up doing a little stretch. His shirt rode up a bit and I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off his exposed skin.
His pants were placed quite low on his body. Maybe if it went down a little more, his something would show, and-
“Ah, this feels nice.”
My eyes fluttered, and I choked on my drink. I was out of my mind again. How many times did this happen? I don’t know. There were too many to count.
Brian laughed. “You Okay?” He patted me on the back. I raised my hand up to show him that I was fine. Physically, at least.
“Maybe we should leave the activity for later. You don’t look that energetic right now.”
He then looked around and scooted over closer to me, almost touching my thigh with his.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how close he was to me right now. What surprised me even more was when his hand slowly reached over to touch mine. I thought that I was underwater. It was so hard to breathe, but I couldn’t deny how much I liked it.
“I want to tell you something. A story.” He started. “A few years ago, I was playing around with some boys. We were in the woods, where nobody would spot us. I was the youngest one among them. I didn’t know what was wrong with us, but we liked to do outrageous things. We talk about sex all the time. I didn’t really know any better, but, you know, I just joined in on whatever they did. Because I thought that was something you need to do to be cool. On one particular day, and that was a Wednesday during summer break, the leader of our group, basically the oldest, told us that we should jerk off together. He brought with him some female pornography magazines and the others were so down for it. I thought that was weird and wrong, but I still wanted to be cool, so I did what they did. We were standing in a circle with our trousers and underwear out of the way. I jerked off with them. They were all looking at the naked women in the magazines. I was pretending I was looking at the women, too. But actually, I was peeping at the boys. Their bodies made me feel something. I knew that I was attracted to that.”
“From that day on, I couldn’t unsee their half-naked bodies. About a few weeks later, we went out to some lake to swim, and they decided for us to be all naked. I was very excited because I got to see them naked again. And what I thought would be a good time turned into a terrible one.”
“When we were in the water, I was getting hornier and hornier looking at the male bodies surrounding me. There was, though, this one boy that I really liked from the first time I saw him. But I didn’t really talk to him because I was too shy. I thought it would be a great idea to get dressed in the same room. It happened. We were in the same place getting dressed, and I couldn’t stop stealing glances at him. He was very sexy to me. I thought that I wasn’t being very obvious. But he noticed me glancing at his body. And that was why he dressed quickly and left. The sexual arousal in me was so strong that I needed to… do some releasing.”
“The next time we had a meetup, I got dirty looks. All of them started to surround me and I was feeling uneasy. I was trapped in a circle formed by the boys. The leader then called me “faggot” and told the others to drag me up into the broken wooden house nearby us. I was slammed to the ground and pinned down. I tried to break free from their clutches but they were so much stronger than I am. Besides, there were more than one of them. One of them used duct tape to shut my mouth. Some of the others started to undress me. I got hit in the testicles quite a few times because I couldn’t stop kicking my feet. When my body was exposed to them, they kept pointing out how skinny I was, and made fun of my body. The leader held my penis in between his fingers and started to play with it.”
Brian grabbed my hand even harder. He was actually trembling. I held his hand even tighter. I was so shocked that he was telling me all of this. He was looking straight ahead, biting his lips to stop himself from crying.
I didn’t know what to do. I could hug him, but that didn’t seem like the right time. So I sat there in silence. Being there to stay and to listen to what he was saying.
“That day… they all took turns ‘playing’ with me. Making me edjaculate several times, penetrating me from behind and then calling me all sorts of bad things. I was crying during those hours. It was so humiliating. After that they threatened me to not tell anyone what happened or they would kill me. Then they threw me out, and I ran home with tears streaming down my face.”
“I was alone in the house at that time. I tried to take a shower. I felt filthy. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror naked anymore. I hated myself. And perhaps I still do.”
“That night I couldn’t sleep at all. The horror was stuck in my mind, and all I could do was cry. The next morning, my mom told me that we were moving into another town due to my dad’s job. We left the town that evening and I never saw them again.”
“And then I came here, and met you. Roger Taylor. You are someone that makes me feel happy. Making me feel like I am loved and cared about by someone else other than my very busy parents.”
His voice started to crack up from how much he was crying. It really broke my heart. I couldn’t control the sadness I felt for him. Tears began to roll down from my eyes.
“And I don’t know if you know it, but whenever I say something, you actually listen. You actually do and I appreciate it so much. I appreciate you. I love you.”
“I’m so sorry. You must’ve waited for this moment for so long, but... I couldn’t bring myself to do it. That whole thing about the ‘kissing practice’ was all made up. The only thing I wanted to do was to kiss you. And then I thought about when the next time would be, but then I was... afraid it might turn into something else that would bring back memories. I was afraid that I would disappoint you.”
“Bri… Please don’t say that……”
I swung my arm around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. Both of us were crying so hard that it was almost impossible to form any words. We stayed like this in silence.
The Sun slowly started to set. The feeling of moving didn’t come to us. I looked at Brian and he was taking a nap. Meanwhile, things about what Brian said kept running through my head.
I couldn’t believe how much he had opened up to me today. He basically told me the time he got raped and sexually abused by these “friends”, that he is into men, and that he wanted to kiss me.
Why does he love me so much? Why does he trust me so much? Why was I being such a self-centered person? Only thinking about my own feelings being hurt by something not even that severe?
I should’ve seen the signs where he was uncomfortable talking about intimacy. I should’ve been more considerate.
Brian is such a strong person. Despite all that he has been through, he was still trying to make me smile, even though my problem wasn’t even that big and it’s solved by now. I appreciate him. I love him. He could never disappoint me because of that. He is a person I love and it’s not his body that I only love.
I knew from that day that I really wanted to protect him and love him unconditionally. I wanted to be strong for him. I wanted to be part of him and for him to be part of me.
Thinking about us becoming a pair is a very delightful thought. Now, that I was calm and I know that he does love me back
He was still asleep, and I was getting drowsier. Perhaps tonight, we should just spend the night here together. I watched the sky slowly turn darker, the Moon and the stars slowly rising up. I moved the both of us to a lying down position.
“Goodnight,” I whispered, then giving his forehead a soft peck.
*A few months later*
Brian has been getting better since I told his parents that he needed to go for therapy. His parents actually had been quite worried about him since he moved here. Because he never seemed to be as enthusiastic as he used to be, unless when he said he was going out to meet me.
Great news was told to us a few days ago. We heard that the herd of kids back where Brian and his family used to live got caught doing some illegal drugs and they got sent to prison. They were all old enough to take full responsibility for their actions.
The look on Brian was face, I could tell you, he was happier than ever. The tears were rolling down his face from content. He was so full of emotions he seemed to almost forget how to breathe.
Tonight, I told my parents that I wanted to spend the night at Brian’s place. They would let me as long as Brian’s parents were alright with that. His parents were very welcoming to me.
After dinner, Brain and I went upstairs to his room to prepare for the night. It had been a while since I had been to his room. We usually spend our time together at the treehouse.
His room got a huge makeover. It was painted in dark blue and there were many star stickers everywhere that would reflect light in the darkness. There was a gramophone right next to his shelf full of records. And right next to that shelf was another shelf filled with a lot of books. The thing that caught my eye the most, though, was the new telescope pointed right out the window.
I was so happy for him to be able to get his most passionate self for his own hobbies. I missed the side of him that never shut up about the things he obviously loved. Even though I couldn’t follow up with what he was talking about most of the time.
“I want to show you something,” Brian said.
We both went to his telescope. I was so excited about using it since I had never used it before. When I looked through the telescope, I was taken away by amazement.
I had never seen Mars up close. The stars looked so different through a telescope. It was so amazing to see the sky in a different way.
Brian also shared with me about the different things I might see through the telescope. Nebulas, galaxies, other planets and other cool things.
That night, we spent almost all of it on the telescope, and talking about space. He told me he had been working on a cardboard nanosatellite for a new science project in the near future. God, this guy is such a nerd.
Eventually, we both got tired. So we lay down on his bed, leaning against the headboard.
“I’m so glad you came to spend the night with me tonight. I do feel kind of lonely on some nights.” Brian said as he looked towards me.
“I’m glad to spend my time with you, too.” I said with a smile.
We were both now facing each other. And there was one thing in between us that was really strong. Tension.
We were alone in his room. His parents were probably already asleep. The timing was very appropriate for kissing. Right here, right now.
Even though I really wanted to, I held myself back. I was afraid to hurt him again in some way. I also didn’t want to ask, because I didn’t want to appear pushy.
So I kept the feeling to myself and looked away, thinking of another topic to forget about the tension that still stood in between us.
“Sorry, I blanked out. Maybe I’m just a little tired now. It’s probably midnight already. I’m just going to go-“
As I was about to get off his bed to get myself ready for bed, he placed a hand on top of mine.
I looked at him, surprised by his actions. I looked at him to see if he was just forcing himself for my feelings or if he wanted it, too.
Brian paused for a long time before saying, “I know what you are thinking about. Um… and, I am ready for some cuddles.”
I couldn’t hide the joy inside of me when he said that. I raised my eyebrows, in a way to ask him if he was being serious or not. He nodded and smiled even wider. He indeed was being serious.
I sat back down enthusiastically, laying into his open arms. He felt so warm and mellow. I missed the smell of him, too.
His heartbeat was racing a little bit, but he wasn’t anxious about anything. For quite a while, we sat there quietly. Me in his arms as he spoke more things in his lullaby-like voice, making me drowsy.
My vision went blurry as I kept on yawning multiple times. Listening to his heartbeat, to his voice, while feeling the warmth of his skin, while smelling the natural scent of him.
In a few minutes, slowly, I drifted off into the world of sweet dreams……