Songs
As it Was—Hozier
After the Storm—Kali Uchis, Tyler the Creator, Bootsy Collins
**LEXI**
I wake up too early the next morning, still tucked in JJ's arms. It was a great feeling and all that, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't fully mask the amphetamine withdrawals I'm awoken to.
Honestly, it wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for the growing anxiety of school, of my family... of how long this is going to last before things get ugly again. It was awful, my guilty saving grace was that I wasn't the only one reeling from the loss of our friends, and so I could tell myself that he needed me as much as I needed him right now.
But it didn't stop the panic, and the though of JJ waking up to find me shaking and gasping for air didn't exactly help my situation.
It isn't too bad, I tell myself, which of course prompts the nausea to kick in.
I know I can't stay like this, no matter how comfortable it is to be in his arms, and so I get myself to sit up and rest my head on my knees. I remember the box I'm meant to breathe around, the box I told JJ about. A silent cry escapes me as more and more memories begin to overwhelm me, and I can't push them away so easily now. I suck in through my teeth, forcing myself to keep trying to best this feeling that's clawing at my skin, at my heart, through every nerve in my body.
But after a few minutes I give in and take an Addivan, letting it sit on my tongue till it has dissolved and washing the taste away with a swig of vodka. Gross. I choke a bit on the harsh burn, as I've started to get to that age where I've had one too many bad experiences with Tito's and it's begun to create a lasting effect. I make my way up to my room again, checking the time to find I still have an hour before my alarm for school will go off.
Great.
"Where'd you go?" I can hear JJ's groggy voice ask when I climb back into bed, definitely still half asleep as his words are followed by a tired hum.
"Bathroom," I tell him, and he hums again, pulling me back into his bare chest. "The suns coming up," I add softly, watching its light seep into the room.
"Means we still got time to sleep," he responds, making a happy sound from the back of his throat when I press my lips to his collarbone—the part of his body that happens to be right in front of my mouth. And in theory, it was all mean't to be wonderful; the obvious state of contentment he's in, my own happiness fighting it's way through—all of this should be reasons to settle my nerves. But despite how reassuring his demeanour is, I can't help but notice how the panic doesn't go away. Because what if I loose him? Will I really be able to handle that right now?
I usually scoff at peoples advice towards this sort of thing, but I'll admit I can see why they tell you to avoid relationships if you aren't in a very good place.
Because it's taking a lot for me to not act like a crazy bitch right now; for literally no reason at all.
I sit up to stare at him, his expression beginning to relax, something else beginning to soften as well when it realizes it isn't quite morning. "Go to sleep," I hear him tell me, blindly finding the base of my scull and pushing my head down onto his chest when he feels my stare.
But instead of complying I make my way up his front, landing a soft kiss on his lips when I reach them. His eyebrows raise at my actions, his eyes stay closed in fatigue. I do it again, pressing a little harder this time, the added urge has him starting to kiss me back as I'm pulling away, and he's straining his neck to try and meet my lips again without having to open his eyes. I grin at the small huff he lets out when he can't find me, and I pause for a second before leaning in again.
This time, his hand moves to hold the back of my head so that he cannot loose me, holding me even after I break away from the kiss. "You little tease," he murmurs sleepily, rolling over so that half his body was now on top of me, holding me as tightly as his half-conscious self permits so that I can't pull away. But the new position gives me full access to that sweet spot on his neck and I can't help myself. I begin to lightly press my lips into where the veins flow under his skin, so light that I don't even know if he can feel it until I feel his hips level out against my lower abdomen. "Now I wanna fuck you," he moans sleepily.
"Sounds like a 'you' problem," I sigh, and continue on with my previous actions, trailing a hand down his front and beginning to stroke him through his boxers.
"Ah fuck keep doing that," he whispers into my hair. But I make sure to keep my movements light, almost nonexistent, as an idea comes to mind.
I hear him let out a groan, his hips flexing once more before I begin to pull away. And then I wait, maybe a minute or two so he can drift off to sleep again before wiggling down his front, trying my best to not disrupt his position before finding myself eye level with his cock. I have to lie a bit awkwardly on my side to gain access, but I find him still half hard by the time I can get his boxers down.
I stare at it for a second as I try to think of what to start off with, settling on licking a stripe up his length, my tongue swirling the tip a few times before I let myself take as much of him as I can without having to put in too much effort. I hear him groan softly, my hands coming up to lazily run themselves along his abs, hallowing my cheeks to suck until I feel his hips buck to meet the tip of my nose.
I repeat the action a few times before I pull back, stroking him with my hand so that I can look up and see him, his eyes fluttering a bit in his sleep. My head dips down to suck his balls while my hand moves up to focus on the top part of his dick, the other moving to rest just below my chin. It doesn't take long before I hear him gasp, and when I look up I see his eyes half open, his hand pushing the sheets off of us so that he can watch.
"Want me to stop," I ask him softly, but he answers my question with his palm, guiding my head back down to take him in my mouth.
"Holy fuck," he moans, sleep making his voice all low and raspy. He pushes my head down again, watching to see if I show any objections before repeating the movement a few more times. I take my hand that is still between his legs and let my thumb rub into the skin that lies behind his balls, inducing a jolt to rock through his body. He cries out, exhaustion still dampening his voice, and I bring my head up a bit to just suck on the tip, watching his body flex to try and get me to take more.
I lift my head to catch that look in his eyes, how he shifts his weight from the loss of contact, how his abs tighten when my thumb begin to press harder into him; wondering if I could get him to cum like this. But I'm much too impatient to wait that long, his dick throbbing in my hands as he lets out a small whine, clearly unable to wait much longer himself. I let my head drop again, and this time I don't take my time, half aware of his warning before I feel him finish in my mouth.
I keep sucking until I feel him shudder under me, humming to myself when he begins to curse, which of course only makes him tremble more. I respond to his hands that are weakly pulling me off of him, crawling back up to meet him with a kiss; "morning."
"Morning," he chuckles, his grin a little dazed when I hover above his face for a second before kissing him again.
But, dazed or not, he jokes about how amazing I am before drifting off to sleep again. It lets me rest for now, at least until the paranoia of loosing him hits me again—or in this case, until my fucking alarm goes off a few minutes later.
"Fuck," I curse and shut it off, sleep now begging to take over as I had just begun to drift off.
I hear JJ let out a groan, "I liked the first time better."
I let the brightness of my phone wake me up a bit, looking over to see JJ wasn't making an attempt to do the same. "Hey." I poke his face, "c'mon, you're going to fall back asleep again."
"Well maybe I'm hoping you'll wake me up; again."
I grin, "so you liked that?"
His eyes snap open and he gives me a deadpanned look, "did I like that? Is that even a question?"
"Yea but..." I trail off, trying to find the right words to use; "would you like it if I...erm...if there hadn't been any heads up?"
I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I feel him watching me closely. "Like... are we talking pre-determined consent here?" I nod, surprised he understands what I'm trying to get at so quickly. "Yea I mean... I trust you. Would you... trust me with something like that?"
"Yes."
I wonder if he's thinking about Addison, I mean, I know who comes to mind for me when it comes to that sort of trust. "I wouldn't do that, you know," I finally tell him; "what happened with you and that girl."
"Yea, I-I know. Really though, it wasn't a big deal. I know you think that..."
"It was still a shitty thing to do," I say, cutting him off. Whether you think it was fucked up or not, I add silently to myself.
He smiles weakly, nodding a few times before sleepily turning to rest his head in my lap. I can tell he's thinking, and after a few moments he speaks up. "So this... morning routine we've both agreed to; is it restricted to only blow job and such? Or are other things still on the table."
"Are you asking if you can fuck me in my sleep?"
"Yes." I giggle at JJ's bluntness, "I mean, obviously I would make sure you're... like... lubricated..."
JJ has me properly laughing now as he tries to explain himself, the word lubricated doing it for me for some reason. "JJ, I don't want to inflate your ego more than it already is... but you're good—like. Good. I'm okay with you making that decision without me."
I totally inflated his ego, and he spends the rest of the morning proving it with small quips about how good he is to me.
He seemed to be in such a good mood that I almost miss his expression fall when I'm closing the door to the bathroom, or the flask he was putting away when I come out; ready for our first day of school. I settled on a blue and white patchwork cardigan, and jean shorts, gold jewelry and high tops.
Light work. First task of the day; solved. About a million more to go.
"They're here," I tell him, glancing back to make sure he's following me out to meet Kie's SUV as she pulls up.
We pile into the back, and then pretty much ride in total silence.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy—the whispers, the stares, the looks. I study the school as we approach it, realizing that I still had to go and get my schedule, figure out where the fuck my classes are, and everything else you have to do on your first day of a new school—on top of all the other shit.
"Hey," JJ whispers as the car comes to a stop; "wanna ditch?"
I look at him, my expression clearly answering the question for him as he lets out a groan, his eyes flickering towards the dreaded destination before following me out.
"Hey, chill out," I hear Kie say, and I turn to see she's talking to JJ as he takes a drink from his flask.
"If I blackout, don't remind me," JJ tells her, keeping his head down as Kie tells him it wasn't a funny joke.
I don't say anything to her, but I doubt he was joking.
It takes about 5 seconds before my eyes find the tribute dedicated to John B, conveniently located in front of the schools entrance, and I curse the feelings that rise up inside of me, wishing I didn't have to see that before the days even begun. "I feel like people are staring." Kie points out the obvious, but it reminds me to lift my chin, stand straight, and act like nothing is wrong.
"Just act like they don't bother you, that's what I always do," I tell her, running my hands through my hair so that it's out of my face. "C'mon," I say when she gives me a weird look, "never been involved in a scandal?"
I glance up when Pope goes to leave, but Kie stops him, telling him how we have to stick together, that it was the only way we could make it out alive. She holds out her hand, and he takes it; JJ giving me a look when he notices the two. I raise my eyebrows back at him, once again wondering if there's something going on between them. I mean, he clearly likes her, and she's the biggest advocate for no pogue on pogue macking (or whatever the fuck it's called)—so it doesn't make sense for her to kiss him if she doesn't like him too.
I consider it for a second, as it is much easier to think about than what lies in front of me. We had been under duress; John B had just left, his arrest still lingering in the air at that point, which means there is a possibility it was all in the heat of the moment... but would she have really played with Popes emotions like that?
She must like him too, no way she'd jeopardize a friendship just for a moment of comfort, I decide. It just didn't sound like the Kie I knew.
I glance around as Kie leads Pope into the school, JJ by my side before I even realize he's next to me. "Hey, I gotta get my schedule and shit," I tell him in a low voice; "stick with Kie and Pope, alright?"
"Hey, no wait. Sticking together involves you too," he tells me.
"Ok, well, I'll find you after I go to the office," I assure him, picking up the pace when I realize we had started to fall behind. The stares burn the back of my neck more now that it was just the two of us, and I have to wonder if it's even me they're looking at—how could they have even known I was involved? My dad made sure to leave no trace of us in the investigation.
"Careful."
I don't register the meaning behind JJ's words right away, until I realize I've almost forgotten where I stand in this situation. I was the new girl—innocent, vulnerable, a totally new target for people to take their shot at. It didn't matter if they new I was involved or not; I was being looked at for a whole new set of reasons.
"I can handle myself."
But as I veer off from the others, I can't help but wish I was going with them, Kie looping her arm around JJ when he begins to lag behind. I swallow hard, wishing I had said something else to JJ before we went our separate ways; something cute or whatever, something he'd remember throughout the day.
I shake the feeling off, knowing deep down that I didn't need to say anything for JJ to think of me.
It doesn't matter now anyways, I have to focus my thoughts on bigger things, I tell myself. Like figuring out where this God-damn-mother-fucking—oh wait, here's the office, I realize, looking up to find the receptionist asking me what I need.
It doesn't take long for me to get everything required for the year, and after about 15 minutes of awkward small talk with the principle as they show me around the school, I'm sent off to my first class. I nearly let out a gasp of relief when I see Kie and an empty seat next to her in my first period class, showing the teacher my pass before practically running to sit down next to her. She gestures for me to show her my schedule, writing in the margins who I have classes with. 2 with her, 3 with pope, 2 with JJ. I realize I don't know anyone for my last class of the day, which was chemistry.
"We all have history together," she whispers in a low voice.
"Bless."
We fall silent for the rest of the class, which of course means that I'm forced to be more aware of the stares.
I'm slightly surprised by how they linger even after Kie leaves to go to the bathroom, my new classmates voices hovering around me; giving me only pieces of their conversations. Do they know I was somehow involved? I strain my hearing to try to figure out what they are saying, swallowing hard as I realize that they are, in fact, talking about me.
Who the fuck is that... some girl from LA I think... I saw her walking in with the others... yea John Bs friends... do you see the scar... still fucking hot...
The bell rings, and I'm up and out of my seat as I feel like people are rushing into crowd me—not willing to stay and find out if the feeling was more than paranoia.
I find Kie in the hallway, suddenly understanding why she took so long as her eyes are red and puffy as she walks out of the bathroom. My heart sinks, and I pull her into a quick hug, "hey Kikes, you're alright."
"Fuck," she curses, "I really didn't want to cry today."
"It's okay," I tell her, pulling away after a moment. "I'll see you in history, okay?"
She nods, rushing back to grab her books and we go our separate ways.
**^**
I see Pope next in algebra, then Pope and JJ in english.
"What are the chances that JJ's ditched," Pope asks me as we head into the class the three of us share.
I shrug, "alone? The JJ I know isn't big on interpersonal reflection."
"Fair point."
I was right, and find JJ already in his seat when Pope and I get to class: sitting back with his arms crossed, feet on the desk, quite possibly a little tipsy, based on how he doesn't seem to care that the teacher is giving him the evil eye from the front of the class.
"You know, at least when I'm walking around with you I know they aren't looking at me." Popes observation has me glance around the room, finding that it takes an effort to not look anyone directly in the eye.
"How do you know they're looking at me," I ask him.
"Come on," Pope chuckles, giving me a look when I just look at him weirdly. "All the guys are grinning, all the girls are sizing you up."
"Not all the girls," I mutter in a low voice as we take a step into the classroom, not willing to have anyone overhear our conversation.
"Are we talking front row? Or three seats from the back door?"
I shrug, "either?" I turn to one of them, smile lightly as she seems to be one of the only ones not looking at me like I was some parasite. She smiles back, asking me if I'm new as we pass her table.
"Yea I'm Lexi," I tell her, and she gives me her name as well.
See, I tell myself, you can make friends.
I turn to Pope with a grin as I've seemingly proved him wrong, but I'm surprised to see he's just trying not to laugh. "Neither are straight, Lex," he whispers in my ear after letting me have my moment of glory.
"Touché."
But it's only when some guy nudges JJ that he notices me. "Hey, Maybank—look. Look at that chick," the guy hisses, obviously not low enough for me to not notice. "Have you ever seen something like that?"
JJ looks at the guy first before he turns to look at me, his mouth open like he's about to say something before he closes it again and grins. "I was just about to say I probably have," he chuckles. "Hey, princess."
I do my best to give him an irritated look, but it comes off as amusement when he smiles at me. "JJ," I greet, ignoring the odd silence that seems to suddenly fall over the classroom.
I sit down, one row from the front, one row in front of JJ.
"Oh this is going to get annoying," Pope groans and sits down next to me, glancing around in discomfort as we're now being looked at for 3 different reason. God, at least get some popcorn if you're going to be so invested in lives that aren't your own, I want to say, but I keep my mind preoccupied on other things instead.
Like, for example, the distinct sound of a chair scraping along the floor. I turn to look at JJ, not overly bothered by the noise he's making as he get closer to talk to me. "What's up, killer," I only ask.
"How's your day been?"
"About as good as you'd expect," I tell him. "And yours?"
JJ nods; "bout the same, probably." He pauses, his eyes flickering around the room before they land back on me. "I think they're wondering what you're doing. Talking to a guy like me," he whispers, noting how the conversations around us were suddenly much quieter.
"Don't tell me you've got a bad reputation," I gasp softly, sarcasm dripping from my voice, JJ's eyes widening as he pretends to be shocked by my statement; his eyes dancing with laughter as he tries not to grin.
But, the teacher tells JJ to get back to his seat before he gets a chance to respond, and I spend the rest of the class with a smirk on my lips.
The rest of the day moves rather fast, and before I know it I'm listening to the bell telling me I'm late to my last class. By the time I get there, I can only silently excuse myself and get to the last seat available. I find reluctantly sitting myself down next to a boy, dark-ish hair, and ... eyes? I don't pay much attention to any of his other features.
"Hey."
I turn to realize the voice was being directed at me as the teacher pauses for a moment. "Hi," I respond, a little tentatively when I'm met with a flirty smile.
"I'm Simon, guess we're partners."
"Lexi," I tell him, glancing up to see what the teacher is writing on the board; looking for any excuse to not make direct eye contact with him.
"You're lucky, I'm a real wiz at chemistry," he tells me, and I have to suppress the laughter that tries to fight its way out of me.
"Great," I say with as big of a smile as I can muster, taking the silence that follows as a chance to curse JJ for convincing me to be late. I turn back to the front of the class, and try to ignore the fact that I can still feel him watching me, his arm moving a bit closer to mine.
Those 90 minutes had never felt longer.