Rhapsody (OBX S2 Book II JJ fan fiction)

FORTY-TWO (III)

**JJ**

As the days pass, it was getting a little easier to accept the fact that we're okay, though I still had trouble believing that things were going to stay that way; I had trouble with the fear that Lexi will leave.

It wasn't so bad when I could see her, and I found myself rather comfortable when she was in my arms, but her absence would feel like it was taking years off of my life by the minute.

Some might call it anxiety.

The first time we had been apart was when Lexi went on a walk with Sarah, and I had spent the entire time watching my phone, feeling sick to my stomach; hating Sarah for taking her away from me.

That was sorta when I realized I was a little fucked up.

I didn't dwell on it too much, as it wasn't like Lexi was all sunshines and rainbows either, in fact, she was much worse than me.

We had come to the startling revelation quite quickly that she never actually got any better, she had just gotten used to seeing me in her dysphoria and it kept her calm. So now, if she were to wake up alone, or if I were to even leave the room, she would begin to regress at a rapid pace.

What conclusion we collectively came to was that we had to start spending some time apart. This meant that while everyone gave her pity, they couldn't understand why I couldn't be a better sport about not spending 10-20 minutes apart from her, like I wanted her to be totally dependent on me. But because I wasn't about to explain, or protest, when her entire sanity currently relied on my presence, I was forced to just go along with it.

My heart is pounding when I wake up next to her, a sharp gasp rattling in my throat as I'm trying to make sense of my surroundings.

We aren't in a hospital bed, she's safe JJ, I tell my disoriented self; she's right next to you.

Of course, I should know by now that none of that necessarily means she's okay, as the look she gives me is dazed and foreign, a dimness to her smile; one that's mixed with confusion.

It makes my stomach drop in the same way it always does, like I'm experiencing it for the first time all over again. But, the talking has gotten easier, and even though I know that the fact that she only feels comfortable around me is probably bad, it's what makes things go a little smoother in moments like this.

It's not like I'm ever not around her, so why does it matter that it has to be me?

She's lucid by noon, everyone talking to her as if nothing happened, even Pope stopping by to tell Lexi about this whole Denmark Tanny deal.

I listen in passively, smiling to myself as Lexi lectures him on how he's been disappearing lately. "I mean, come on, Pope. We humoured John B's fantastical treasure hunt, why do you think we wouldn't humour yours?"

"You were a little preoccupied."

"Well... I meant the others," Lexi adds in a quiet voice, my grin gone without a trace, "I know I'm... well, I'm sorry I couldn't be there."

"Nono, that's not what I'm saying at all," Pope assures her, reaching out to grasp her shoulder, "I just meant that I wasn't going to bother everyone with it, when we already had a mystery to solve."

Lexi nods once, anger pricking my skin as Pope goes back to talking about his ancestry and all that bullshit, whereas I just want to leave the room and calm down a bit. But, I can't. I can't just leave, it has to be planned, it has to be talked about. She has to be... prepared.