Thankfully it didn't take much persuading for Alexander to move into Jefferson's house - the man was right - it was a good idea having more pros to it than cons. He brought along some of his belongings and the new clothes they had bought that would themselves be too small soon. It had been months since the younger man had stepped foot in any of the rooms but, once he was there - it felt just like yesterday. With the changing weather and warmer temperature, Alex found himself hanging out on the big wooden swing in the backyard a lot. Or rather, that's where Thomas would usually find him when he'd get back from work - he'd come by, sit and sway on the swing with him until they'd find something better to do.
And it was just there that Thomas found him on Saturday afternoon. Gone were the days of staying at the office until late hours of the night - there were other priorities now. Without even saying a word to each other, the taller man sat down by his lover's side for some quality time. If they didn't have responsibilities, they could sit there for hours, relishing in each other's company.
They sat, snuggled up - Alexander in Thomas's embrace, the swing swaying lightly in the warm spring evening. But it seemed Alex was restless. The Virginian couldn't see his face but, he noticed the younger man's hand roaming around his swollen abdomen in a scrutinizing manner, almost as if he was searching for something. He pulled away to look at the other man's face, which was plagued with turmoil.
"Something's wrong?"
The Caribbean man didn't hear him, focused on whatever it was that bothered him. Thomas grabbed the aforementioned hand with his own.
"Everything okay?"
He looked the shorter man in the eye as he finally caught his attention. Alexander smiled, and his brows relaxed as a wave of tension left his body - it made him feel all warm and fuzzy to see his other half care so much.
"Yeah, everything's okay. It's just- I, think it's moving, and it's really tripping me up."
"It's moving?" The darker man spoke in disbelief, slipping his hand under Alexander's to try and feel something.
"Yeah, it's been doing in for a few days now, but I don't think you'll feel anything. I can only feel it on the inside."
The taller man gave him a quick peck on the forehead, letting his hand rest on the younger man's thigh, resigning himself to the fact that he'll have to wait a little longer to experience the physical movements of their child.
"Does it... hurt? You seemed pretty preoccupied a second ago."
"I mean - not really. It's just a very strange sensation, and it's making me think of all sorts of different things."
"Like what?" The darker man was intrigued.
"Is this what it would've been like if it had worked out with Eliza? Would she even have been happy with me, had we succeeded? Do I even want this?"
The first questions were only boiling jealousy in Thomas's veins but, the last one made him sad. What if Alex did, in fact, not want this? Doubt was plaguing them both.
"What do you mean - Do you even want this?"
"I told you, I'm terrible with kids." He chuckled.
"I keep thinking about all the things I can still fuck up. I didn't exactly have the best role models in life - I'm not sure I want to raise this kid if I'm gonna do more harm than good." The brunette bit both of his lips, his mouth turning into a straight line.
"Why do you keep thinking you have to do this alone?" The Virginian was trying so hard to understand his lover's new state of mind.
"I'm sorry. I- I'm sure you'll be great at this - I just don't want to put it all on you. If we're gonna do this, I want to be an active part of it, but I'm not sure I can."
"Alex, stop thinking."
"What?" The Caribbean man didn't understand.
"You're stuck in the past and the future. I need you here, in the now, with me. Do you understand? I know this situation probably has you thinking a lot about your past relationship but, it's over. I need you now. I don't know everything either I doubt myself every day too - this is uncharted territory for both of us but, we need to get to it first. Okay? Stop thinking about what could've been and what might be. Right now, you and I will take this day by day, and we'll see how it goes."
"But-"
"I don't know it all, and neither do you, and that's okay. We'll learn along the way. You don't have to be scared."
The darker man squeezed his partner's hand tightly, the younger man didn't say anything but squeezed his hand back, a meek and hopeful smile on his face.
***
More and more as the days passed, Thomas found himself thinking about his lover's newfound state of mind. He'd never seen the younger man so anxious in the whole five years he's known him. It was even scary at the time, just because he had managed to appease his other half's unusually active imagination, he didn't know if he'd be able to do it the next time it happens. The taller man was himself struggling with crippling thoughts of what might come but he had to push them away and keep his head straight for his mate even though it was getting increasingly harder with every new worry. What was troubling Thomas now were jealousy and a lack of self-worth. Why was Alex constantly thinking about his ex? Was she better than Thomas? Is Alexander not happy with him? Does he want to be with a woman again? Is Thomas too old? A myriad of thoughts was cycling in his brain day after day until he had finally had enough questioning and took matters into his own hands so to speak.
The older man decided to do some digging. Eliza was her name so, Elizabeth... The younger man had mentioned the last name once but they were drunk, how did it go? Sky? Sky-something? The man wracked his brains as he typed the name in the search engine and it automatically filled in. Eliza Schuyler... that was it. With a single click, the woman was less of a mystery. Finally, Thomas could associate a face to the label, her information popping up along all of her philanthropic work. Thomas went through the site, scrutinizing every word like a detective gathering info on a cheating lover... he prayed that thought would remain a metaphor. After hours of scrolling and reading, he hadn't learned anything that would help him but he did see some contact info. Should he call her? Should he send an email? What would it even contain? What was Thomas looking for?
Answers.
He had to do something if he wanted to have answers. So there he was in the middle of a workday writing draft after draft until he wrote what he thought was a well-worded email. He was so nervous, he couldn't stop thinking about it, as the workday came to a close he still hadn't received anything back. Was that address even still up to date? Did he type it in right? He checked everything he could on his phone but everything was correct. She's probably a busy woman, you can't expect her to answer you right away, he thought. That might've been his first rational thought all day. Going to bed he had decided he'd stop thinking about it, otherwise, he wouldn't fall asleep, and he didn't think about it once he awoke as well. It was only once he had gotten to work and turned on his computer that he saw the notification pop up, and all of yesterday's thoughts flooded right back in. But he had to see the message.
Hello Mr. Jefferson
I must admit an email about one of my past partners is not what I had expected opening my work inbox but, I'll admit it was a pleasant surprise nonetheless. Yes, I do remember Alexander Hamilton, I would honestly be surprised if anyone who has ever met his, forgot about him. He is quite the character - I'm sure you know it well. From what you wrote it seems your relationship is going quite well but, there must be something if you have taken it upon yourself to reach out to me so why don't we meet, and then we'll discuss what the matter is. I'll send you a message with a time and place, I hope to see you there.
Sincerely
Elizabeth Schuyler
That was it! That was what Thomas needed. He could ask her about Alex, and maybe find out a little bit more once they meet. Her other message included an address which was where her orphanage was, telling him to meet her in her office at lunch. Without a hitch, once the time came the Virginian was out the door, his excitement and curiosity getting the better of him but, once he was actually there in front of the office door. He didn't know what to say. His knuckles rapped against the door and a female voice was heard telling him to come in.
"Ah, Mister Jefferson, I presume."
She spoke lightly as she stood from her chair to greet him with a handshake. Her hospitality was instant as she asked him to have a seat and offered him a drink, which he declined.
"So, what can I do for you?" She smiled, easy.
"I've come to talk with you about Alex, Miss Schuyler you see-"
"Oh, Please. Call me Eliza."
He chuckled.
"Very good, then call me Thomas. Eliza - you see, Alex and I haven't been together for very long but we know this isn't a fling. Recently we've been in a situation that has him thinking A LOT. Arguably this isn't the end of the world but he's been a lot more anxious and scared lately which is a state I've never seen him in before now, and he's gotten to thinking about his past with you as well...."
The brunette woman giggled to herself.
"Sounds like a young man I met a long time ago in college." She laughed.
"I'm not exactly sure what I have to do with any of it but, the stress is most likely because he's in an unknown situation. When we were in college I noticed he would always get like that if something was out of his control. It'll take time but once he gets used to it he'll be back to his old self."
"But he keeps finding things to worry about, every time I manage to get him to calm down he'll think of something else by the next morning."
"That's strange. Is there anything specific that's troubling him?"
The taller man staled, not sure if he should tell her the truth. But what was the point of all of this if he isn't going to?
"Well, I presume you know about Alexander's condition...?"
He tried to be as delicate as he could with the subject.
"Yes, I do."
"How do I put this?" He fiddled with his cane. "The two of you may not have been able to conceive but, he and I got lucky... so to speak."
Eliza went quiet at the mention which almost made Thomas flinch, uncertain. But then her expression turned from grief to confusion.
"Wait. Are you- telling me, that Alex is pregnant?"
The darker man smiled sheepishly, unsure whether the woman was angry or not.
"Oh my goodness! This is incredible. I'm so happy for you."
She quickly left her seat to hug the man in front of her.
"You're not mad?" He questioned, dubious.
"Of course not! Why would I be? This is great news. I know it's something that always hung on Alex's mind when we were together- Oh... Is that it? Is that why he's thinking about me?"
"I'm afraid it is... He's got some major guilt that it never worked out with you."
"Bless him he's such a kind soul."
The older man smiled a the compliment even though it wasn't for him.
"Would you like me to talk with him? I could visit, I haven't seen him in so long." She mused.
Thomas was beyond happy at the proposition, maybe it would brighten Alex's day, maybe Eliza could talk some sense into him.
"You're absolutely welcome, he hasn't left the house in weeks, I'm sure he'll be happy to see you. Although I wanted to ask you if you could tell me about him; What was Alex like when you were together?"
"Of course." She smiled. "Why don't we walk while we talk huh? The weather outside is beautiful."
The pair left her office and walked the halls of the orphanage, children running every which way happy as ever. One of them almost taking out Jefferson's cane in the process
"I'm sorry, they tend not to pay attention to their surroundings when they play."
They resumed their walk and conversation, Thomas listening intently to the stories of young Alexander. Once they reached a play area outside, they sat on a bench watching the kids have fun.
"I didn't meet him right as he had arrived in the US but some things were still pretty new to him, I would explain things and help him get acclimated."
"I'm sorry if this is pushing it a bit but, did Alex ever express feelings of inadequacy when you spoke about children?"
The question made her pause.
"Well, I think I was usually the one bringing it up, Alex never elaborated his thoughts but he never was one to talk openly. Why? Has he said something to you?"
The older man was once again unsure whether he should out his private conversation with his lover, especially since it seemed this was a privilege not given to most.
"I- He has told me he's not sure if he wants this if he won't be good enough. I try to tell him that it's okay and that it's all new to me as well but he seems persuaded that he'll do something wrong. Don't tell him I told you this."
"Goodness." She rubbed his back in a friendly comforting gesture.
"I've seen him be all sorts of scared when we were young but I've never heard of him considering giving up."
"What do you mean?" He was confused.
"Well, even when something challenged him, he might've been anxious but he never considered not doing it, that's why he is who he is now. He never backed down from anything, he achieved everything on his own without ever backing down."
"Everyone has an Achilles heel, this might just be his." He sighed.
"Thomas, don't be down. I'm sure it'll be fine, I'll talk with him and see what he's really thinking."
"You'd do that?" A glimmer of hope sparkled in his ebony eyes.
Just at that moment, a soccer ball rolled up to Jefferson's feet. He reached down and picked it up as a young boy ran up to retrieve it. He stopped in front of Thomas his young eyes bashful. Without a word, the older man gave him the ball.
"What do we say, Isaac?" Eliza interrogated the young boy.
"Thank you!" The child exclaimed and ran back to his friends in a hurry.
The two adults kept up the conversation with Thomas explaining how the two men had met and how their prior ardent rivalry turned adoration came to be. But too soon had their time ended as both of them parted and returned to their respective jobs. Just as Thomas had expected when he came home he found Alex on the swing in the garden.