You were standing at the front of your house, looking forward for the day. You were all smiley and I can see pink tint coated on your soft cheeks. You were wearing a brown sweater that I intentionally put in your closet after the sleepover and loose jacket that made you look so small. In your hand, you held pink roses, sniffing their scent every now and then. The smile grew as you stare at him lovingly.
Strike 2
How I wish I was in his place giving you a sweet smile and flowers. But no, I'm here at my bedroom window watching you walk away with him delicately holding your hand. I received a text from you that he was walking you to school. That sight and message just ruined my morning without you realizing it.
Strike 3
It was lunch, I was on my way on the assigned class you were in to pick you up. We always went together get lunch since forever but that changed today. I froze on my spot when you both hugged each other on the doorway like you both were in your little world. Your cat eyes caught my presence and you leaped towards my direction and gave me a friendly hug. Huh, I never thought that word hurt til he came into your life.
Strike 4
What a sore loser and a masochist I am. Being the third wheel, sitting next to the secret couple who happily announced the news to everyone who were shocked and ignoring the growing ache on my chest. You two really are the definition of couple goals. The way you treat each other makes me want to punch the guts out of him but I can't. He's a good person who deserves you. How I wish I confessed to you sooner than hearing you mention him that night.
Flashback (Sleepover)
We were on your comfy bed watching a movie "The Space Between Us" for the nth time but I can never complain when it comes to you. You're my weakness and at the same time, my strength.
You were too focused on what was happening on the screen while I was shamelessly staring at you with longing eyes. I must have spaced out when you suddenly waved your hands at me that made me clear my throat.
"W-what were you saying?" You chuckled at my nervous state and paused the movie. You then looked at me with soft eyes that made my knees fell weak. "I was saying how Gardner really loves Tulsa that he went to Earth just to see her despite his heart condition..." I stayed silent and let you continue, "She was his first and only friend and later on, they became lovers. Even though the time they spent together was short, they made every single moment worth it. Gardner was able to learn a lot of things thanks to Tulsa's guidance."
I was still confused and I didn't know what to do, "The love they had for each other was pure. They helped one another on finding his father when the answer was just in front of them the whole time. But I guess thanks to that, they were able to have a fun journey discovering their favorite things on earth." You smiled genuinely and I couldn't help but agree, "They really do deserve each other and I'm happy Tulsa is gonna follow him to Mars."
The first strike.
I should've noticed it before I said yes to your invitation. I should've noticed when you called me with uneasiness. I should've noticed your cautious movements. But I didn't. Why? I was too busy falling in love with you and the plan of telling you those three words that I've been dying to tell are out of the picture now.
"You're following him to New Zealand, aren't you?" I guess you didn't expect for me to ask that question and connect all the dots together that quick. You looked at me with worry and pity. I swiftly tore my eyes away not wanting to see that expression. I managed to plaster a fake big smile to congratulate you on that decision.
"That's a big step, Jennie. You two deserve each other. Go and follow what you believe in."
"You're n-not mad?"
"Why would I be mad? He has shown you and the rest of us that he is worthy to gain everyone's trust specially yours. I know he'll take good care of you and I never doubted your decisions, not once."
I see tears flowing down on your cheeks. But they weren't sadness, they were tears of happiness. I just wanted to yell and professed my deep feelings for you at that moment. I wanted to change your mind and stay with me and give me a chance but I didn't. I hid the pain and give you a reassuring hug that I'm happy with the news even though I'm not.
How I wish I could be selfish and not be a stupid coward.
I replayed the events that happened that night. It still hurts as hell. I couldn't accept it but there's nothing I could do. I was too late and I felt my heart twist in pain. I hastily stood up startling the couple. I looked at you and gave an apologetic smile. How I wish I was the one holding your hand.
"Rosie-"
"I remembered something I left at home. I need to go, I'm sorry for the disturbance."
I didn't wait for your reply and proceed to walk away with rapid steps. I didn't know where I was going but I only have one goal. That was to get far away from you. It's too much. You're making everything harder for me to stay around. I stopped walking as I felt tears pouring out and I just let it be.
One
I crouched down as my vision starts to blur.
Two
I started to have a hard time breathing.
Three
I put my hand on my chest as the pain magnified.
"Chae, relax and breathe with me..."
That voice......is so soothing.
I felt someone's touch on my shoulder. That simple touch made me tone down the panic inside me and obeyed her request. As I finally have relaxed myself, I realized that the touch feels foreign and familiar at the same time. I took a look at the person above me and I immediately smiled.
"Joohyun...."
"Hi, Chae. It's been awhile." She offered her hand for me to take which I gratefully complied. "I thought I wasn't gonna see you until graduation day." I said as she dusted off whatever dirt she can find in my clothes even though there was none. "Well, I completed the tasks in my job a little too early and was given a long vacation so now, I'm back." She grabbed my hand and led me to her car.
"You're always the first one to finish in everything." I chuckled remembering the times she took part in sports activities. "I don't want to waste time so why slack off?" As we got inside the car, she faced me with concern written in her expression. "I heard about Jennie. Are you okay, Chae? You never told me you've been having panic attacks again."
Bae Joohyun. The step sister of Jennie Kim. She refused to be a Kim as she doesn't want her father's last name to be taken away from her and the family accepted her decision. She's also a close friend of mine who I look up to a lot. That's why I wasn't bothered by the fact that she knew how to calm me down and took care of me afterwards. She knew everything and that includes my feelings for the said brunette and my breakdowns. I always have been honest to her since she was the only one I could trust with regarding to these matters.
"It's the first that I have had in two years. I didn't know it affected me that much." I played with my fingers as I was also puzzled of what happened earlier. She sighed and ran her fingers through her silky hair. "You didn't expect it to happen. It wasn't your fault. But Chae, until when are you going to hurt yourself? You can't keep doing this. Especially to her. When are you going to choose yourself?"
I tried to open my mouth to at least say a word but no, my silence won the atmosphere. Everything she said about my situation and Jennie was right. Until when am I going to keep living like this. Lying to her. Keeping secrets from her. That's not what a best friend should act. She doesn't deserve this kind of behaviour of mine. It's not her fault that I fell in love with her. That I love her. That she couldn't choose me. This was all on me.
I need to realize that not everything revolves around the person you love. Yes, you can keep that person inside your heart but there has to be room for yourself. There has to be a space reserved for yourself. That's what I've been missing the whole time. I was too occupied on being there for her when in the end, she chooses to leave me. I was too tied up thinking of her every single minute when I barely could take care of myself.
So much for giving the person everything you have but can't even return the favor.
The car abruptly halts signifying that I have arrived to my house. Before I could open the door, I faced the woman who I've missed hanging out with for two years, not missing the way she cutely tilt her head with furrowed eyebrows.
Always the cute Bunny, Joohyun.
"What?" I didn't let her finish the sentence when I pulled her into a warm and welcoming hug. "I didn't get to say I miss you. It has really been awhile. Welcome back, my Bunny." She playfully pinched my side making the both of us laugh and return my hug. "You just did. I miss you too, my Chipmunk."
She then drove off once I got inside my house. I noticed that it was quiet which made me realize that I skipped the afernoon classes. I then called my dad who happens to be the principal of the school to tell my excuse. But he told me that Joohyun already told him what happened and that I can stay at home and take a rest. I warmly smiled at the friendly gesture and called her to give my gratitude which she then said that I should treat her dinner for saving my butt. I couldn't help but laughed loudly and accepted her demand.
Same old Joohyun.
My thoughts of my old friend were cut off when my phone suddenly rang blaringly. I checked the who the caller is and it turns out to be the person who I've been avoiding the whole afternoon.
"Jennie."
"Rosie! I've been trying to reach you since you didn't come back for the afternoon classes."
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I had a minor headache while making my way out of school but luckily, I bumped into your older sister. She gave me a lift so it's all good."
"Wait, Unnie is finally home? She didn't give me a call that she would be back so soon."
"Maybe she wanted to surprise you during lunch but she told me she got an early leave from her job."
"Always the responsible sister. I'll talk to her later by the time I get home. You're still coming for dinner, right?"
"Might as well go since now that your sister is present, everyone we know would be there to welcome her home."
"Okay then. Take a good rest and see you later, Rosieposie. I love you."
"See you later, Jen. I love you too."
How am I supposed to move on from you?
I was busy getting ready for dinner that will be held at my best friend's house. As I was about to grab my keys and go out, my phone suddenly dinged. A new email? I opened the mysterious email and a gasp escaped from my lips as I reread the email again to check if it's true.
What the heck?!
I looked at Jennie's home that was across mine locking the house and keys on my pocket. The news really caught me off guard and I'm still having a hard time to grasp the information. Just as I predicted, my best friend's house is packed with cars on the driveway.
She really didn't tell anyone. Typical Joohyun.
As I entered their house, I was then engulfed into someone's arms and just the way you hugged me like a koala and your addictive scent, I could tell that it's you. My wifey. I hugged you back placing my hands on your slim waist and face buried in your soft brown locks. We stayed in that position for at least five minutes with no words spoken to one another until I was swiftly pulled away from you and got tackled into a suffocating hug.
"Chipmunk!" "Chaeyoung-ah!" And from hearing those voices, I could tell it was the crackhead duo slash couple. "Can't b-breathe." The hug was quickly loosened and I try to catch my breath and peered at the duo who are smiling innocently and I shaked my head, used to their actions. "It's good to see you too, Jisoo Unnie and Lisa. But do you guys seriously want to kill a person? I was nearly choking." "Aww, Limario and I love you too, little Chaeng and ohh, chicken!" "Gotta go follow my woman, Chaeng. Talk to you later." I chuckled as I watched Lisa wiping the crumbs from her chicken lover's lips who was happily munching the food.
How I wish you were mine and do that.
My brain suddenly alarms me of the mandu who was quiet the whole time. I turned around to look for you and the sight that greets me softens my heart. My best friend was sitting on the couch, head down but I can see the pout on your lips. I was having doubts if you're a grown woman or a lost child whose candy got taken away from her. I marched my steps towards you, standing in front of you, making you looked up to me with a cute frown.
That cute expression will always make me weak.
"Shall we, my lady?"
"We shall."
Dinner was fun. Catching up with old friends who were the children of my parents' close friends. It's like a dinner reserved for the children while the adults have their own which is why our parents including her boyfriend aren't in Jennie's house this evening. This is always the tradition every year before school ends. So consider this a mini reunion.
I didn't have much energy to talk that much as my mind is thinking back of the email I received early this evening. I know you noticed me being distant from you and the rest of the gang. So I went outside and I settled myself down at the front porch of the house, away from the noises and people. I sensed your presence as you took a seat beside me, head leaning on my shoulder and my hand glued together and rubbing each other's thumbs soothingly. The sounds of the breeze of the wind and the small insects were what we can hear aside from the voices inside your premises.
"You were shaking the whole time. Was the headache that bad?" Your voice was laced with worry and this made think that this was the perfect opportunity to tell you the email I received. "It was only mild. I actually have something else in mind that I've been meaning to tell you the whole night." As I finished the words, you sat straight and faces me with full concentration and curiousity. "I'm listening." I took a deep breathe and decided to spill the truth once and for all. "I got in. I got accepted into my dream university."
The way your eyes sparkled with excitement and ecstacy that you pulled me into a boisterously affectionate hug. You kissed both of my cheeks and shaked both of my shoulders, absolutely proud of this big achievement which is just the beginning of our complicated situation. I didn't utter a word as I was just displaying my genuine smile at your ramblings saying that we should've been at a club celebrating than having a reunion with our old friends. You stood up to spread the word to everyone in the household and I can hear the squeals from the crackhead couple. I told you that I'll catch up and stay here a little longer in which you let me be.
By the time you have gone back inside, I released a heavy sigh and rubbed my face in doubt, puzzlement, and exhaustion. All of these negative emotions crippling inside me is making me rethink of my decisions and plans in my life. Footsteps were heard behind me and in my peripheral vision, she was there.
"You were right. I should've been thinking of my well being. I should've been focusing on myself."
"Chae......"
"I think this is a sign. A sign that I need to move on, don't you think?"
"Tell her, Chae. Tell her the truth. You two are best friends. You should be honest to each other and she has been. It's time to tell yours before you leave. At least it would take the heavy weight off of your shoulders."
I stared at nothing as I recalled the very moment we both made a promise to each other in which I'm still hoping for it to become real but in this situation I'm in now, with you finding your happiness to him leaving me behind and forgetting that promise. Everything is hopeless. You broke the promise the minute I witnessed my first real heartbreak.
Flashback
I was pacing around my room with my phone in my hand waiting for the call as she said she'd ring me back. This is it. I have to do it. It's long overdue already. This is the night I would confess my true feelings to my best friend. Jennie Kim. Wifey. Nini. The phone rang and I didn't waste anytime and answered it.
"Chae? I just got off school. What happened? What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"One at a time, Joohyun. And to answer your questions, I'm totally fine. It's just that..... Uhm..... I'm planning....."
"Roseanne Park."
"Okay, okay, fine. I'm planning to profess my deep-rooted feelings for your stepsister, happy now?"
"Took you long enough. It's about time you stop being a coward. I'm impressed, where did you even get the courage all of a sudden?"
"Joohyun...."
"I'm happy for you, Chipmunk. Just so you know, you already have my blessings the first time that brat introduced you to us so I bid you all the best. Call me if you need anything."
"Will do, Bunny."
"Yah! I told you to stop calling me that. I'm not a bunny!"
"Hmm, keep telling yourself that, Bunny. I need to go now. I heard a car outside her house."
"Consider yourself lucky that I'm not at home but okay, Chipmunk. But good luck."
I ended the call and took a deep breath reminding myself to just say the words in front of her face without chickening out. I got out of the house with brisk steps and heart's pounding hard which can be heard if you stay close to me. I was nervous about this whole plan but it was all washed away when I saw you. That view made my heart slowly shatter into pieces, bit by bit. You and him. In each other's arms. Him holding you closer to his chest. Ending the evening with a goodnight kiss. You both look so in love. Happy. Contented. Glowing.
Wow, so this is how it feels then. What was I supposed to expect? You're such a disappointment, Roseanne.
I went back inside my house and locked the door leaning my forehead on it. My lips were quivering as I was trying to stop myself from crying. But I couldn't. Clenched fists. Eyes tightly closed. Tears streaming down. Quiet sobs. This is the first time I'm experiencing this much pain. My knees were shaking and I fell down, not having the energy to get up. I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe? Why does my chest hurt? Why is it so blurry?
One
I reached for my phone and find the name of the person who could help me.
Two
I dialed her number and waited for the answer.
Three
I was about to pass out when I heard her. That voice. Why is it so soothing?
"Chae? That was quick? How did it go– Chae, why are you breathing heavily? What's happening? Chipmunk, talk to me?!"
"J-Joohyun."
That was the last thing I said before everything went black.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"I'll tell her everything. It's time."
Author's Note:
Another cliffhanger🤣. I still need to write part two for Let Me In ಥ‿ಥ. I hope you guys enjoyed this and part two will be on the way ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ. Thank you for reading and stay safe everyone ❤️.