Liam
"Where are we going, Daddy?" Bea asked.
I was driving to a place, I hadn't visited in a very long time.
Before, I had promised myself that I would visited often, but just after the first time, the pain was too fresh and I couldn't anymore. I couldn't be there.
"We're going to see your mummy," I told Bea.
After speaking to Rena a little more, I realised that I was doing my job of not letting my feelings out, but simultaneously, I was keeping Bea away from all that was her mother.
She didn't ask questions, knowing it would upset me. She avoided speaking about Julie. All that cared about was me and my feelings.
It made me feel horrible. I can't do that to her anymore.
She deserved to have all her questions answered and I deserved to let the pain go. It wasn't healthy to hold on to, I couldn't keep it within any longer.
Bea let out a happy squeal from her car seat and began to excitedly tell me all the things that she wanted to tell Julie.
***
A couple of hours later, we had reached our destination. We had made a little pit stop on the way, to purchase some flowers.
The last time I came here, this place created an unbearable ache in my heart, as if there was something that was piercing through my chest repeatedly.
But not this time.
Bea held my hand, whilst I held the flowers and and we walked on the grass together, heading to Julie's resting place.
It didn't take too long, until I spotted the engraved stone, in front of which I once wept my heart out.
In loving memory of Julie Annabeth Hunter.
Beloved Daughter, Wife and Mother.
A true angel, with a heart of gold.
"Hi, Julie", I greeted her.
"Hi, mummy," Bea waved.
The first time that I visited her grave, everything just felt cold to me. I tried to speak to her, yet no words could come out. Instead, I just sat by the headstone in silence, not uttering a single sound.
It was probably selfish and not fair on my part, but I just couldn't bring myself to come back here. But the pain was too intense.
But today, I had to talk.
Bea and I took a seat in front of the headstone and I placed the flowers down in front of it. She never really had a favourite kind, she loved all of them.
"I'm sorry I haven't come to see you in a long time," I apologised first, since it seems the most appropriate.
This wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I did feel a little silly. I knew Julie wasn't going to respond to any of what I was going to tell her, but I could just picture her sitting in front of the grave, smiling at me. She'd be in her favourite white dress, her blonde hair just moving slightly in the breeze.
"She won't say anything, Daddy." Bea giggled.
I looked at her nodded. "I think she's still listening."
Of course, this what I just felt. If and when I wanted to talk, I assumed Julie would listen.
"Do you think mummy listens to everything? Even if I whisper?" Bea said the last words really lowly.
I looked at her a nodded, her words causing the corners of my mouth to twitch up. Sometime I forget how adorable she actually was.
"Even then," I confirmed.
Bea smiled at me, before sitting up on her knees and waddling over in my direction, until she was right in front of me.
She then perched herself over my lap, circling her little hands around my neck.
"What was she like?" Bea asked.
I took a deep breath at her question. I had tried my hardest to not think about her in all these years, trying to stop the pain from surfacing...only to realise it doesn't work like that.
Wrapping my arms around Bea, I rested my chin atop of her head.
"She was lovely," I started. "The first time I saw her, I thought she was an angel."
Bea gasped. "A real one?"
"As real as they get I think," I replied and she happily squealed. I guess she liked the thought of her mummy being an angel.
"We were in this Calc...math lesson when your mother walked in, with Rena. She was really shy and I don't know...I just really liked her," I told Bea.
Suddenly she turned around in my hold.
"Like how I like the Prince Charming from my party?" She asked.
"No," I instantly refused, hugging my little one tightly.
Ugh, I really didn't like the way she held his hand. My little girl was not going to marry a prince... I mean anyone. She was going stay how she is, forever.
Bea humphed and crossed her arms. I placed a kiss on the side of her head and she continued to pout.
"What I mean is...this was different," I said, hoping to pacify her.
I never thought I would ever be someone that would just fall in love with someone, the very first time that I saw them.
With Julie, I'm not sure it was love but it was definitely something. I was instantly attracted and couldn't take my eyes off of her, not until she had left the classroom.
"Tell me more," Bea said.
"Well, the whole time I couldn't stop looking at her, I even threw a paper at her, just to know her. I then begged Rena to help me," I told her.
I remember at the time, I really couldn't believe that she helped me. I was a complete dick and she still helped me.
"She's really nice," Bea commented, a wide smile coming over her face at the mention of Rena, something that I noticed happened quite often now.
"She's amazing," I affirmed.
Julie would tell me how Rena would always be there for and talk to her, especially when confused about me. She'd convince her to believe me and give me a real chance, I really owed her for that.
I know I've not be the best when it comes to her, but I'd make sure not to mess up now. At least now that I think we were friends again...I think. Or I'm pretty sure.
When we meet, I'd just have to bite the bullet and ask her. I wasn't a fan of this guessing game.
"Daddy?" Bea mumbled and looked up at me, which concerned me, because this was her 'I'm upset' tone. Like when I don't let her have ice cream.
"Why does Nanny not like me?" She asked.
I sighed at her words, tilting my head slightly, before wrapping her up in a bear hug. "Oh, honey. She's...her heart hurts because she misses your Mum. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you."
After Julie's death, our relationship with Lily, Julie's mother, became rather estranged. She moved away almost immediately, barely interacting with Bea.
At one point she blamed Julie's death on me, stating that since I was excited about baby, she chose to do this for me.
I believed her. I told myself the very same words.
Lily did later apologise through a letter, but that was pretty much it. I sent her some cards and pictures of Bea growing up whilst in Australia, but she never responded.
I assumed some day she'd reach out. I guess that is yet to happen.
However, I don't blame her. We all have our own ways of coping with pain, distance was hers. The only thing I wished, was that she'd at least make some kind of contact with Bea.
"Oh," Bea nodded. "Does your heart hurt?"
I nodded, pinching my index finger and thumb together, leaving a slight gap in-between them.
"A little," I said.
Bea raised her hands and cupped my face in between her tiny palms, making sure that I was looking at her.
"It's okay to be sad," she told me. "Serena said it's okay and we don't have to be happy all the time."
Of course, Rena told her that. Something that I should've told my daughter, but instead she was telling me.
I smiled and nodded, taking her hands in mine and placing a kiss on them.
"She's right. It's okay. Being sad is normal and completely acceptable. I didn't think that before but I know it now," I told her.
I never really thought it was okay to feel sad and show it. It just seemed as if you were sad, you needed to be okay again. Do whatever it was to make yourself feel better or just move on from it and be 'normal'.
It was only now I was understanding that wasn't healthy to do. If you weren't happy, it was okay. Take your time, until you were again.
"I think I miss Mummy sometimes," Bea whispered.
"I know, sweetheart. I do, too," I confessed.
When Bea's bottom lip jutted out a little, I could tell she was about to tear up and then start crying.
Gently cupping her cheek, I then placed a kiss on her forehead, before leaning back..
"I'm sorry I never talk about her," I apologised. "But any question you may have about your mum, you can ask. You can talk about her as much as you want and I promise, I won't get upset."
I was still learning how to talk about her, but I guess that was something both Bea and I could both do together.
"You promise?" Bea held out her pinky finger.
I smiled and nodded, linking my own pinky finger with hers, placed a kiss on top of it. "Promise," I told her.
She giggled before her face scrunched up a little. Sometimes I worried about her quick mood changes.
"I'm hungry, Daddy," Bea said.
"Let's go get some food," I said.
I lifted Bea up from my lap, helping her stand on her feet, before I stood up myself.
She held onto two of my fingers, ready to walk and find some food, only her action reminded me of something.
"Just one second, Bea." I said, gently taking my hand out of her hold.
I looked at my left hand and sighed, specifically my ring finger.
If it was time to live, I had to let go of the pain, or at least try to. Holding onto Julie by the pain of losing her, like some kind of crutch was never going to bring anything, but more pain.
My Dad was right, I had good memories to remember her by.
I twisted the ring off my finger, slowly trying to remove it. It took a second, but I managed to slip it off, the cool air instantly reminding me, that the area was now bare.
There was faint mark left by the ring, but I knew it would fade. Just like all the other pain and hurt and suffering. It would fade.
I looked at the gold band in my hand and smiled.
Crouching down, I looked at the headstone, before burying my wedding ring right in front of it. She would keep it safe. She'd hold onto it.
"Goodbye, sweetheart. I'll try to visit again soon," I told Julie, kissing the tip of my fingers and then tapping it onto the headstone.
"Bye, Mummy," Bea said, before imitating the same action and kissing her fingers, before placing it on the headstone.
I picked Bea up in my arms and she held onto me securely, a smile beaming on her face.
"Let's go get you some food now," I said and Bea kissed my cheek.
I walked away this time, without my heart feeling heavy. Without a burden on my chest.
I walked away with a smile on my face and my daughter in my arms, happily babbling away.
***
Hope you liked the read :)