It was some time since you were secretly meeting up with Lewis. You two agreed that this relationship would be just physical. He was too busy to have a normal relationship, and you didn't want a relationship at all, especially with someone like Lewis. You appreciated your privacy more than anything. You liked to be lost in the crowd, but that wasn't possible with him.
That all was a reason why you were now trying to sneak out of Lewis's embrace. It was almost one in the morning, and you needed to go home. You never stayed with him till morning because that reminded you too much of a normal relationship, and a normal relationship was something you couldn't have with him.
"You can stay a night." You almost jumped from how much he scared you. His voice was husky and raspy, so you were guessing that he was still half asleep.
"That's alright. I'm going home," you said while you got dressed. Your apartment wasn't that far away anyway, and Monte Carlo wasn't dangerous during the night.
"I mean, you should stay. It's almost one in the morning," Lewis suggested.
"I'll be fine. I'm not a small girl," you pointed out airily. You didn't see a point in staying with him. You didn't want to be spooned or cuddled. The idea of waking up next to someone terrified you. Because in the end, you knew you'd get hurt, and you didn't want to be hurt again. You had two relationships in the past, but neither of them was lucky. Well, you thought that your relationship with Chris could possibly work out, but then you got left alone at the altar in front of everyone. The embarrassment and shame that you felt were something you never want to repeat.
"I want you to stay," he said, emphasizing the word I. You couldn't remember if someone ever said this to you. It warmed your heart a bit.
"Why would you want me to stay? Do you want another round?" you asked him confusedly. It was late in the night, and he needed to wake up early in the morning to go for a run. The busy life of an athlete, you thought.
"No. Is it bad when I just want you to stay because I want you here?" I want you here. It was so weird to hear these words. Maybe it was because you never expected them from him. You did not expect that perhaps he was attached the same way you were, but that didn't change anything. There were so many other obstacles that kept you from trying to be with him.
"If you want someone who's gonna stay with you, I'm not that girl, and you know that," you said while picking up your handbag. You made your way out of his bedroom without looking at him.
"Why can't you be that girl?" he was running after you. You were standing in his kitchen. You could see through the big windows that the pitch-black sheet of the dark had covered the Monégasque harbour.
"Lew, go to bed. You need rest," you said carefully and took a few steps to be right in front of him. You placed a short kiss on his cheek before turning away.
"No, I don't want to let you go. I can't," Lewis whispered. Sadness was seeping through his voice, causing you to turn around again. You hoped you two would never end up in this situation. Why did you two have an agreement when it was shattered now?
"You have to, please," you begged him desperately. You weren't ready to be vulnerable again.
"Then help me, tell me you don't love me... Tell me something to make me get over you," he was desperate but so were you. You wanted more, but yet you were so scared. You were scared of filling the front pages. You were scared of being judged by everyone every time. You were already fighting with anxiety, and this wouldn't make it any better.
"I... I can't. I'm just so scared," you finally admitted to him. A few tears left your eyes, and he quickly pulled you into his embrace. "I'm scared to be another headline in the Sun. I'm afraid of being judged. I love being with you like this, but the idea of being with that Lewis Hamilton champion of the world frightens me. I'm not ready to be with him," you whispered between your sobs. You loved being with that Lewis that laughed at your stupid jokes, watched with you Love Actually and took you to secret rendezvous with Roscoe.
"Hey, we don't have to make it public. At least for now. But I just want to hold you at night, be able to kiss you whenever I want, be able to call you my girlfriend," he said while holding you tight. You wanted the same, but you were just so scared. You were terrified of being caught while sneaking into his apartment. You knew that a few of his neighbours noticed that you are here more and more often, and you were hoping that they'll keep their mouths shut.
"But what if-,"
"No, no what-ifs. I don't care if anyone finds out. The only thing I care about is you. You don't have to care about them as well. They'll always find something, but they don't know shit."
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