Respiration is more complicated than it sounds.
It's a chemical and mechanical process that brings oxygen to every single cell in the human body.
When you inhale, the diaphragm automatically moves downwards towards the abdomen. The rib muscles flex, which will then pull the ribs up and out. This helps enlarge the chest cavity while air is being sucked in through the nose or mouth.
When you exhale, the diaphragm moves upwards. The rib muscles relax, and the chest cavity grows smaller. This allows carbon dioxide to leave the lungs through the mouth or nose.
With each breath, air moves to fill the millions of alveoli — those tiny sacks in your lungs that take the oxygen you breathe in. From there, oxygen moves from the alveoli to the bloodstream through the capillaries in a process called diffusion. After that, oxygen gets picked up by the hemoglobin in red blood cells.
Then, the oxygen-rich blood flows to the heart. From there, the heart pumps that rich blood through the arteries and down to oxygen-hungry tissue throughout the body.
In simpler words, respiration is the act of inhaling and exhaling. It's the exchange between gases that keeps the body functioning properly; to keep the human body alive.
Every 3 to 5 seconds, nerve impulses stimulate the breathing process, so it happens over and over again.
For an involuntary act our body naturally does, it sure feels like I can never fucking breathe.
I open my eyes and end up staring at a white ceiling. Silence. There's nothing but silence. From under the sheets, I let my hands move to run over my lower belly. My fingers trace the sensitive scar. The action did well to remind me that I was, in fact alive, that I was safe. It also reminded me of how I lost everything.
Even myself.
When I hear the padding of small feet against the old floorboards, I let out a long sigh. I lied. I didn't lose everything. I still had her after all.
I hear the hinges on my door squeak when it's slowly pushed open. My head falls to the side, and I see little Maggie standing there in the doorway. Her hair is a rat's nest, to say the least. There's a bit of dried drool near her lips, and there are chocolate stains all over her nightgown from last night. It's her favorite nightgown, the one that has Queen Elsa on it from Frozen.
She pads up to my bed slowly. "Allie?" I hum in response. Her small hand gently pushes my hair away from my face, and it almost tickles. When she crawls up on my bed, her face lights up. She smiles down at me and grins. "C'mon, " Her voice is sweet, bubbly, and unblemished. She looks like a mess, but I highly doubt I look any better. "you gotta wake up, Allie."
Even though she can annoy me to no end, seeing that crooked baby smile with two missing front teeth, I can't help but crack a small smile back. I try brushing her hair back too, but my fingers only get caught in knots. She smacks my hand away. If I weren't so tired, I would have laughed.
Whenever I'm around Maggie, breathing becomes easy, as it should be.
Rubbing my eyes, I ask, "What is it, Mags?"
"I think I'm late for school."
...
Shit.
I push myself up from my bed and grab my phone. It's eight o'clock on a Monday.
"Shiiiiiit."
"That's a bad word-"
"Yeah, no shit, Mags! You're late, and my shift begins in an hour!"
I jump out of bed and immediately throw on a large black t-shirt.
"You gotta put money in the swear jar-"
"Fuck, Maggie-"
"You did it again-"
"Just-" I start shimming into my black skinny jeans. After that, I start fumbling to put my converse on. "go wash your face and put on your clothes for school! I'll help you with your hair in a second!"
And so the sassy six-year-old leaves my room, mumbling about how I owe the swear jar two dollars. Fuck that swear jar. Who's idea was it anyway- oh, that's right. It was mine.
Maggie may or may not have gone through a stage where she started including swear words into her everyday vernacular. Specifically, fuck, shit, shithead, dickwad, bitch, and so on. It was partially my fault, so I'll take the blame for it, I guess. A swear jar was the only thing I could come up with to get her to stop swearing. It worked. It worked almost too well if you ask me, and I'm starting to regret ever coming up with that dumb idea.
I've gotta find a way to get rid of it or something.
I wash my face, brush my teeth, and tie my hair back into a low bun before heading to Maggie's room. I hear a small "come in" after knocking. I sigh when I see her. Of course, her shirt is on backward.
She looks happy to be wearing her "Thing 2" shirt. My "Thing 1" shirt is lying around the apartment somewhere. Julie got Maggie and me the matching shirts for Christmas last year.
She struggles to put on her dark-washed jeans but manages and makes sure not to forget to grab her favorite hat — a Frozen hat with Queen Elsa plastered right on the front.
Maggie cannot live without three things: her blankie, Dr. Seuss books, and Frozen.
If I have to listen to "Let It Go" one more time this week, I might just hold my breath to see what happens.
But, of course, she makes all of my intrusive thoughts disappear whenever she smiles at me. She puts her hands on her hips and holds her head high. Even though I'm probably going to be late for work and she's going to be late for school, some of my anxiety melts away. "How do I look?"
"Well, your shirt is on backward, you goofball." I kneel down and tickle her tummy. Her giggle is like the first ray of sunlight right after a storm. It makes my worst days seem a bit brighter.
I help her put her shirt on the proper way before I help her into her favorite pink crocs (she insisted she wore them today). She looks like a fucking rainbow, but hey, at least she's happy and smiling. That's all that ever matters to me.
I sit down and braid her unruly curly blonde hair into two french braids before plopping her precious hat back onto her head. When she turns to face me, I push the hat past her eyes which makes her giggle. With a small hand, she reaches up and pushes the hat back enough so I can see her blue eyes. She grins up at me so hard I can see her little dimples. "All done. I'm ready."
I poke her nose. "Alrighty." I end up reaching for her small glasses on her nightstand. I slide them on her face and make sure they're not crooked on her nose. "Better?"
"Better," she confirms with an exaggerated nod.
There's a moment of silence before I pick her up and bring her to the living room. This is her least favorite part of her day. I don't blame her. I hate it too. When I lay her down on the living room couch, she's frowning.
"You ready, bug?"
"Y-yeah."
When I grab the insulin, she turns her head the other way. She hates needles.
So do I. But, this has to be done. I lift her shirt and pinch some of her skin before I inject the needle into her stomach. A few more seconds later, I pull the needle out slowly. She lets out a shaky breath before she sits herself up. She's getting better at this.
I put everything away before I grabbed her tiny face with both hands. I start kissing that frown and those tears away like I do every morning. And, like every morning, she eventually starts to laugh.
My brave girl.
I pull away after a few moments, and her small laughs die down. "Let's get you to school, yeah?"
I strap her into her car seat in my old Camry, and of course, she asks to listen to "Let It Go." We go through the song about five times before we reach her elementary school, and she sings her little heart out each time the song replays.
"You're going to behave, right?" I ask, speed walking down the school hallway with her small hand in mine.
"Yuuup." She does a little jump before scurrying to catch up with my fast pace. When we reach her classroom door, I kneel so we're face to face. Everybody else is already inside.
"Alright, I packed your lunch. It's in your bag. It's a turkey and cheese sandwich."
"W-With no crust?" she stutters.
"Yup, with no crust. I cut you some apples too, and there should be a juice box in there." She smiles, but before she can say anything else, I continue. "Your phone is in your bag too. You'll call or text me if anything happens, right?"
She seems a bit annoyed with this. I go through the "if something bad happens" scenario every morning before I drop her off at school. She's to call me, Julie, or the local police enforcement if something dire happens.
And yes, she has a phone. Sue me.
"Yup, I promise," she says with a nod. Her phone doesn't have games or anything. In fact, it's just one of my old phones I gave her for emergencies.
"Okay, good." I kiss her left, then right cheek, her nose, and at this point, she's already giggling.
"Eww, stop!" She laughs and tries pushing me away by the time I kiss her forehead.
"I love you, and I'll see you later, okay?"
"Okay." She chirps, struggling to brush her blond baby hair away from her eyes. Her hair is very unruly, much like mine. I end up brushing it behind her ear. She smiles and says, "I love you mostest," before giving me a sloppy kiss on my cheek. Then, she runs into her class.
I see her run-up to her friends in the classroom before disappearing out of my sight. I frown. I never liked saying goodbye to her. I never even like being away from her, if I'm honest.
She'll be alright, though. I know she will. She's a good kid, and her teacher takes care of her. So, taking a deep breath, I turn to leave.
-
Oooh, I'm so fucking late to work. New York traffic never lets me down.
When I slide into the shop, the line is practically out the door. I rush to the back to help and- great. I'm half an hour late.
"Ooh, look who decided to show up!" Connor says while keeping his hands busy.
"Hey, Allie!" Julie smiles. I think she's making an espresso.
I wave to them before making my way to the back. I'm throwing my apron on when Julie walks by and bumps her hip into mine before serving a customer.
Conner cashes out a customer before asking. "So why were you late? Did Mags keep you up all night?"
"No, I worked a double at Tony's, actually." I chuckle. Tony's is a small Italian restaurant downtown. It's nice, considering it's within walking distance of my apartment.
"Well, you missed out. Me and Mags had a great time last night." Julie snickers.
"Oh really? That must be why she had chocolate ice cream all over her, Julie."
Julie flips her strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Bitch.
Rolling my eyes, I turn to Conner. I swear this dude was crafted by the hands of fucking God. He's a tall guy with a fair complexion. With long blond hair that was oftentimes tied back in a low bun, iridescent blue eyes, sharp features, a dusting of freckles over his nose, perfect teeth, and a gentle smile with full lips, there's no denying he's handsome. No, maybe that isn't the right word. He's eloquent; he's beautiful. One thing for certain, though, he's undeniably kind and hilarious.
It was a sad day when he told Julie and me that he was gay. We cried that entire night.
"How was the date?" He's been talking about this one guy for weeks. I think he's one of our regulars here.
A smile takes over his face. "It was amazing! He picked me up from my apartment, took me to this fancy restaurant that had a great view of the city, and then we went for a walk and visited Miss Liberty-" I roll my eyes. Connor sighs with a small smile as he recalls his night. "Oh, he also held my hand for most of the night, and he kissed multiple times, I might add." He wiggles his eyebrows at me, and I laugh before getting to work and taking some orders. It sounds like he had a pretty good night with this guy. I'm happy for him. He hasn't had much luck in relationships, so I hope this one is different for him. He deserves it.
I thought Conner was done with his long, elaborate rant about last night, but I was wrong. I was sooo wrong.
"And then I got dicked down in the back of his BMW-"
Julie bursts out laughing and almost drops the coffee in her hands, and I choke. On my own spit. "C-Connor! Hush, the-"
"-he was so good, Allie. Like, sooo fucking good. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm probably gonna see him again tonight and, who knows? Maybe I'll give him the gluck-gluck 9000-"
"Connor, Allie is trying to tell you to shut the fuck up because your mic is on." Julie walks by him with a wide, condescending smile and starts making a new coffee order.
There's never a dull moment with these two.
I snort, and Connor's face goes beat red. His hand slaps over his mouth, and I can hear the customers at the drive-thru laughing hysterically.
After that, the day goes on in busy haste. Coffee shops in New York are always busy, that's for sure. Everything was going well until I got my paycheck. Julie grabbed it off of Martha's desk in the back office. Martha is my boss, a kind little old lady who occasionally comes in with her husband to have breakfast. For the most part, she's retired and pays people to keep this place running properly.
The problem is that this check isn't nearly enough for rent. Or groceries. Or a babysitter. Or gas. Or insulin. It wouldn't even leave a dent in the twenty thousand dollars of debt I'm drowning in. Hopefully, in the next few days' tips are good. Really good. I'm already a month behind on rent.
"You okay?" When I look up, I can tell Julie knows what I'm thinking. She gives me that same sad glance every time she sees me struggle.
I hate it.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Money is just tight right now." For her, I force a smile.
"It's New York," she scoffs. "When is it not?"
Being a waitress at a three-star Italian restaurant and a barista at a small coffee shop in Brooklyn are certainly not my dream jobs. It's certainly not what I want to do for the rest of my life but, my life was taken from me.
The thought of that makes it hard for me to breathe. Guilt and fear have become close friends of mine.
Now I'm raising my little sister in a shitty apartment that rarely ever has hot water; the electricity will randomly cut out, and there's little to no heat or a/c. I'm working two minimum wage jobs, and it's still not enough, but I have to make sure Maggie at least has a fighting chance in this world.
I won't let her future be stolen from her too.
Julie throws an arm around me. "Mind if I sleep over? I miss the little bug."
I almost laugh. "You babysat her all day yesterday."
"And?" She scoffs. "Is it a crime to miss her?"
No. It's really not. Every time she's out of my sight, I miss her too.
I've known Julie almost my entire life. We've always been close, but last year, Julie has helped me out a lot. Her and Maggie became best friends in the process, it seems. Seeing them have their occasional spa days, painting each other's nails, and having little tea parties that I'll occasionally join is endearing. I know that Julie absolutely adores Maggie and would do anything for her.
Julie is the only one I trust with Mags.
If I'm being honest, there's no telling where I would be if it weren't for Julie and Maggie.
Well, that's a lie. I'd be six feet under.
Things were decent for a while, but I'm not sure what will happen in the next few months at the rate things are going now. I'm getting desperate, and I will not lose Maggie.
"C'mon," Julie pats my shoulder. "Let's go pick up Mags from school, watch some movies until she falls asleep, and get drunk."
"Don't we usually save getting drunk for Friday nights?"
Julie grins. "Yup! But today's an exception."
-
"Auntie J, did you know that Allie owes two whole dollars to the swear jar?"
That little bitch.
Gasping, Julie picks Maggie up and cuddles close to her on the couch. Julie always plays into Maggie's little games. "Oh really? What did she say?"
Maggie is a horrible whisperer.
Playing along almost too well, Julie gasped again. Maggie breaks out laughing. "You owe the jar two dollars, Allie Grace!"
"Oh, fuck off."
"Fwree!" Mags holds up three fingers. I almost snort. Since losing both front teeth, she has a hard time pronouncing some words. "That's fwree dollars now!"
For a moment, I wonder if she would notice if I started using Monopoly money to put in that damn jar. Wait, that's actually a good idea.
"Alright, alright, I'll put money in the da- in the jar." Even though Monopoly money sounds like a good idea, I end up reaching into my purse and pulling out three dollars to put into the jar.
She doesn't know it now, but this jar is actually money I put aside for Maggie. By the time she's eighteen, hopefully, there will be enough to help her with college or help her to get an apartment or something. I just want her to have some financial stability to help her get on her feet and lead the life she wants.
I'll do anything if it means she'll be safe and happy. I spend my busy days hoping that I can get us out of the hole so we can live more comfortably. I work so much, hoping that it will be worth it one day, and struggle will eventually become nothing but a blurry memory for her and me.
I don't want her to spend her life always looking over her shoulder like I do or always stressing if she'll have enough money to keep from going homeless.
I just want her to be okay and to never stop smiling.
Mags ends up dozing off between Julie and me on the brown stiff couch in the living room with her blankie halfway through Tarzan — one of my favorites.
"You get the wine, and I'll tuck her in?" Julie is up before I can even finish my sentence and makes a beeline for the kitchen. I bite my lip to keep myself from laughing.
Carefully, I grab Mags and hold her close when I pick her up. When her small arms wrap around me and her face nuzzles into my neck, my heart feels full. My worries start melting away. I hum softly to "you are my sunshine" by Johnny Cash. It's one of our favorites, and I've been singing it to her since she was an infant.
She's getting so big.
I lay her down softly in her small bed and tuck her in. Her brown eyes open sleepily, and she yawns.
I have to give her her second shot. I make sure I'm quick about it. She ends up crying this time, and I make sure you hold her tight. If someone woke me up to give me a shot, hell, I'd probably cry too.
"C-can you read to me?"
After putting everything away, I brush her wild blonde hair from her face. "Yeah. Is Cat In The Hat okay?"
She nods slowly and scoots over to make room for me to sit down. I grab the old, worn book from her bookshelf that held probably about a dozen other Dr. Suess books. A long time ago, they were mine. My father used to read them to me every night.
I sit down beside the tired little girl who rests her head on my shoulder with a small smile.
In a quiet voice, I began. "I sat there with Sally..."
My days are often filled with anxiety, fear, achy feet, frustration, and struggle. But, seeing Maggie happy in the mornings and begging me to read her Dr. Suess books at night before she falls asleep in my lap fills that void I feel growing in my chest. It pushes back the constant panic I feel when I wonder If I'll be able to get us through the next few months.
She can be a pain in my ass, but God, I love her to no end.
I don't even get halfway through before she starts snoring softly. I kiss her head and turn off the light. I make sure her night light is plugged in before tiptoeing out of the mauve-colored room. I leave the door open just a crack like I do every night. Sometimes, she has night terrors and comes running to me in the night. She can't always open the door when she's panicking.
Making my way back to the living room, I see Julie on the couch and two wine glasses on the wobbly end table. She ends up putting the bachelorette on. She's obsessed with this show, and I have to admit, it's starting to rub off on me too.
"Ugh, Austin is so slept on." she went ahead and made some popcorn as well, and she mindlessly threw some into her mouth.
I chuckle and shake my head at her before sitting down next to her and sipping some wine.
Tonight is just a hard night for me. Julie's consistent ranting, the wine, and that stupid reality tv-show didn't do much to distract me. All I know is that by the time the newest episode is over, I don't remember a single thing that happened, and I'm on my second glass of wine.
It grows quiet for a moment.
"Why don't you and Maggie move in with me?"
Well, that was unexpected.
I groan. "Julie, we've already been over this-"
"I know, but this neighborhood isn't safe, and I know you're struggling."
"Julia, I'm not moving back in with you. You just finished moving into your new place."
"And?"
I roll my eyes. I can't really get angry at her for worrying about us. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure I would do the same thing. "I'll be fine. We'll be fine. I just gotta figure some things out." She's already done so much for me. There's no way I could move in again. That's where I draw the line.
She grows quiet and takes a sip of her wine. She rests her head on my shoulder after that. She smells like strawberries and Rosé. "I just want you and Mags to be okay." She says in a whisper.
"And we will be," I assure her. "I-I can't live the rest of my life in fear. I need to do this." She nods slowly against my shoulder. She's always so worried about us. Swallowing, I begin again. "Maybe I'll um... Maybe I'll get another job."
At this, she lifts her head from my shoulder to look me in the eyes. "There's so fucking way you can handle three jobs while raising Mags."
She's right. I know she's right.
That's what scares me.
Rubbing my eyes, I nod. "I know, but I have to try.
"What if-" she leans away from me, swaying slightly. "What if you got a different job? One that pays better than Tony's and The Coffee Bean."
I blink at her a few times. "Oh, that idea totally hasn't occurred to me before Julia-"
"Stop being a smartass and listen to me." She scoots closer to me and takes one last long sip, finishing her wine before placing the empty glass on the end table. "R-remember that guy I was talking to a few months ago?"
"Uh, yeah. Nathan, right?"
"No," she laughs and shakes her head. "Niall. He, uh, texted me not too long ago and told me that one of his friends opened that new club everyone is talking about. The one in downtown."
I tilt my head. "The Electric room?"
"No," she shakes her head. "Not that one. Tribulation."
"...The strip club?"
"Yes!" She giggles. I stop her from pouring more wine into her glass. She's always been a lightweight. "Anyway, he wanted to get drinks with me."
"Okayyy. And? Jesus, Julie, stop being so inconspicuous. What does that have to do with me."
She grins. "A little birdy told me there are job openings. Maybe I can talk to him and pull some strings to get you a job there."
"Julie... I don't have the confidence to be a stripper."
"No!" She snorts. I jab her in the ribs and tell her to stop being so loud, so she doesn't wake up Mags. "I mean as a waitress. They're looking for some right now. I'm pretty sure."
"Julie, I don't know-"
"You can get anywhere from up to twenty-five dollars an hour." I stop speaking. "Then, imagine the tips." Brushing her blonde hair from her face, she continues. "Think about it. You can work nights, work at The Coffee Bean in the mornings while Mags is at school."
"There's no way they're paying waitresses twenty-five dollars an hour," I say to Julie.
"They are! Look for yourself."
I give her a suspicious look before I grab my old MacBook. I type everything in an-
Holy shit. They really are. Looking down at the screen, I grumble. That sounds way too good to be true. "I-I don't know," I say unsurely. If I hypothetically took on this job, my schedule would be crazy. Crazier than it is now. "It's a big commitment, Julie. I'm struggling with my schedule now as it is."
She groans. "Just- just put your application in at least. See where it gets you. Maybe getting a new job will be good for you."
I'm starting to feel warm from the wine. I pull my baggy grey zip-up sweater closer to me. Being a waitress at a strip club sounds intimidating. I'd be surrounded by men. Their eyes would be all over me.
I don't like looking at my body. What makes Julie think I'd like men, or anyone for that fact, to look at it? I feel safe in my baggy clothes for a reason, and she knows that. I'm sure I wouldn't be allowed to work in a strip club with a sweatshirt on that's two sizes too big.
I guzzle down the rest of my wine when Julie falls silent. Sighing, she grabs the remote and flicks through the channels. She puts on Magic Mike and wiggles her eyebrows at me. Ironic.
If I'm getting paid 25 dollars an hour, working a full shift five days a week, that would be a little over a thousand dollars just in one week. In two weeks, I could pay my rent outright. Four weeks I could start paying off last month's rent that I fell behind on. Also, the tips must be good. No, great.
I'm sure I'd still struggle the first few months, but if I'm careful, I could probably start living a bit more comfortably.
Shit, am I really considering this?
No, no, I'm not.
Am I?
We end up finishing the bottle. Then, I grab another. We finish that one too.
Before I know it, Julie and I are dancing to the song Pony from Magic Mike XXL. All I remember is us laughing so hard that we're in tears, and Julie is spinning in circles until she ends up tripping over the end table and falling to the floor in hysterics.
-
I wake up to my phone ringing.
My eyes hurt. I let out a long groan when the aching of my skull washes over me like a cold tide. Nausea adds to my misery. I cover my eyes with my hand and remain still. I let my phone keep ringing until it goes to voicemail, but it starts ringing a second later.
A throw pillow hits me in the head. It's Julie. "Answer your fucking phone, bitch." I finally crack my eyes open and see Julia lying on the floor, rubbing her temples.
Oh. I'm lying on the floor too.
I push myself to stand up. My phone ended up across the room on the floor. When I pick it up, it's Connor. "Hello?"
"Hey hun, is there any way you could cover me this morning?" He sounds like he just woke up.
"Uh," I look around my trashed living room with Julie curled up on the floor still. "Why?"
"I'm so fucking hungover. I uh, I went out last night. I didn't think I'd get this plastered."
"...Connor, me, and Julie are down for the count too."
"What do you mean?"
"Were both hungover."
"No fucking way," he tries laughing but ends up groaning miserably. "Fuckkkk."
"I'll uh," I rub my eyes. I have a shift at Tony's today, starting at 3:30. The shop closes at three today. If I'm quick, I should be able to make it. "I'll go in. I'm fine." I'll just take some Ibuprofen, drink some water, and maybe have a black coffee. That usually helps me with hangovers.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," I say, walking to my bathroom. "Yeah, it's fine. I need the extra money anyways."
"Okay, thank you so much, Allie. I owe you." He hangs up before I can say goodbye. I'm too groggy to care.
I'm ready by seven. Mags is still sleeping when I walk into the living room. I kick Julie until she groans and opens one eye. "I'm covering Connor's shift today and then heading to Tony's. Can you watch Mags while I'm gone?"
She runs her hands down her face before finally sitting up. "Yeah, I'll watch bug. I'm off for today. But wait. How are you not fucked up?"
Oh, I am, but that's what I get for drinking two bottles of wine with a fifteen percent alcohol content. I sigh and disregard her question, and start heading for the door. "I'll be back around nine-" My strides come to a stop when I eye my old MacBook open on my couch. I walk over to close it, but I stop when the screen suddenly lights up.
Ping!
One new email.
Hey Allie!
Thanks for taking an interest in exploring employment opportunities at Tribulation. I've gone over your resume, and I think you could be a great potential candidate.
I'd love to have an interview with you. Is Sunday at 6 okay?
What the fuck.
I skim past the rest of the email until my eyes land on one specific name.
My mind draws to a blank.
"ohmygod." Frantically, I scroll through my sent emails list until-
Oh no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I sent in my information. I submitted my resume with a horribly written email about how I'd love to work at that stupid fucking strip club.
That's not even the worst part. The email I got is from the club's manager...
Niall.
Niall, as in Julie's Niall?
She's sleeping with the manager of a strip club!?
She definitely didn't mention that he works at Tribulation, only that he wanted to get a drink with her.
Stunned, I look over to Julie. She tilts her head and blinks a few times at me. "What? What did I miss?"