Lilac was running. Of her own accord.
She was running home from a meeting with her professor, the one who had graded her final coding project. He was meeting with every student to discuss grades and reasoning behind them; if undergrad students had to do dissertations, this would be the equivalent of that for a coding student.
Lilac had expected to do well- she'd put her entire back into that project. Hours and hours of blood, sweat, and extremely angry tears had gone into debugging, UI design, and double check after functionality double check to ensure that her app was working properly. She knew all of this going in, Lilac knew and remembered all the work she'd put in that semester to make something she was proud of. She expected to do well.
She did not expect to get a 100% on it.
Her professor had told her it was one of the best, most meticulously planned projects he'd ever seen. The coding, he said, was excellent, the API documentation was well-written and simple but thorough, and the amount of time she'd put into quality assurance was clear. That was what he said, word for word, and Lilac relayed every single bit of it to Andi as soon as she busted the door of their dorm room down. She had already called her family to tell them the good news on the way, and now it was time to inform her friends.
"Lilac, I knew you could do it!" Andi cheered. "Now we can really celebrate!" Andi had confirmed her own graduation grades a few days prior, so they could collectively relax now; their semesters were over. Andi had already been focusing more on being able to stream, edit, and put out videos, and now, Lilac could, too.
"We should go get dinner later," Lilac suggested, putting her backpack down by her desk and sitting down. "Like, real dinner. I'm not in the mood for dining hall food."
"Agreed," Andi nodded. The two girls chatted for a few more minutes before Lilac turned to her computer and pulled up Discord.
"I've gotta call Sap," Lilac told her, and Andi nodded.
"Sure thing, go for it," She said, "Don't worry about headphones, either." Lilac thanked Andi as she called Sap, who immediately answered.
"Guess who's graduating? I am, it's all finalized!" Lilac cheered the moment he picked up, skipping the pleasantries. She leaned back in her chair, watching with a smile as Sap's face it up.
"You got the final project back?" He asked, and Lilac nodded.
"Hundred percent."
"Lilac, that's awesome!" He exclaimed. "So when am I coming up?"
"That's what I was calling to ask, I didn't know if you wanted to come, or had time in your schedule-" Sap cut her off with a look.
"Lilac, of course I'm coming. My parents would kill me if I didn't go. Your parents would kill me if I didn't go. I would kill me if I didn't go. Clay would kill me if I didn't go, and he wants to come too, if that's okay." Across the room, Andi spoke up.
"Andi would kill you if you didn't come up here, too!" Lilac was giggling, which was Sap's goal. He knew she was overthinking something so simple and just had to help her see it.
"Thanks, guys," Lilac said, feeling appreciated. "The actual graduation day is the 20th, but my family's coming up to stay in a hotel on the 18th and already offered to let you stay with them. And of course Clay can come! When I told my mom you were coming, she asked about Clay and George. All three of you are welcome to attend with them, if you wish."
"I wanna come!" Lilac heard muffled speech from somewhere in the same room as Sapnap. Sap giggled, looking to his left and putting the phone on speaker.
"You're on speaker, Lilac," He informed her. "Repeat that, Clay.
"I want to come to your graduation!" Clay yelled, coming closer to the phone. "I want to meet your siblings, you always make them sound like so much fun, it'll be like having another two Dristas around. Plus, Sap and I can live vicariously through you since neither of us ever got one."
"My siblings will die if they get to meet you, so that works well. Also, doesn't George have a college degree?" Lilac asked, laughing. "Live vicariously through him, I don't know if I can deal with the pressure."
"Speaking of George, have you called him?" Sap asked, and Lilac shook her head.
"Not yet. I'm kind of nervous to, I don't know why," She admitted. "But I'm going to, after this call."
"Don't be nervous," Sap said, rolling his eyes. "You could literally call him and say absolutely nothing and he'd still lose his mind over you." Lilac shook her head, knowing it wasn't true but loving the fact that Sap said it anyway. True to her word though, she did call him after she got off the phone with Sap and Clay. Lilac couldn't sit still, so she decided to go walking outside while she talked to George. She dialed his number, and he picked up just before the second ring.
"Georgie!" Lilac said, using the nickname both of them had a love-hate relationship with as soon as he picked up the phone.
"Poppy!" George replied just as excitedly, giving her a new flower nickname. "How are you? It's been so long since we last talked."
"We were literally on the phone yesterday," Lilac reminded him as she walked along, pulling her jacket closer to her body to shut out the cold winter wind.
"Too long," George declared dismissively. "But no matter. What's up?"
"Good news," Lilac said, a bright smile making its way onto her face at just the thought. "In 9 days, you will no longer be the only college graduate in the Horsemen!" George was silent for a moment as he processed what that meant, but when he did, he gasped.
"What! Lilac! That's so awesome!" She couldn't see it, but he hopped out of his chair, dancing in place in excitement (a habit he'd picked up from Lilac without realizing it). "Congratulations, I knew you could do it!"
"Thanks, George," Lilac said, warm cheeks keeping the blistering cold winds at bay. His compliment meant everything in the world to her.
"So what are you going to do? Are you hosting a party?" George asked, sitting back down in his desk chair on his end and swiveling back and forth. Lilac swung her legs a bit as she walked, deciding to stop for a bit and sit down on a low stone wall.
"A party with my family, sure," Lilac chuckled, "But a real party? With, like, other people besides my family and friends? Never." They both shared a laugh.
"Well, that should be fun," George said, and Lilac nodded.
"It really will be," She said, gearing up to voice the whole reason she'd called. "Andi and her family are coming over to ours for dinner, and Clay and Sap will be there, too. For the ceremony and the dinner, everything. So... I wanted to ask if you'd like to come, too." Silence reigned over both ends of the call for a few moments, and Lilac began to panic a little.
"I mean, you don't have to! I know it's pretty short notice, I just thought I'd offer-"
"No, I'd love to," George said, cutting her off in a soothing tone. "I really would. But..." He stopped talking, and Lilac felt her hopeful heart drop a little.
"You can't," She guessed.
"I've got a family wedding on the 20th, it's been planned for months," George informed her, and she felt her entire body lose a little bit of its sparkle. "I'm so sorry, Lilac."
"It's okay!" She said, sitting up straight and trying to sound chipper. "That's not your fault at all, no need to apologize. I do hope you have fun, though!"
"Yeah, I hope so, too," George said slowly, not really sounding like he had his heart in it. "It's for my aunt and soon-to-be uncle, the wedding got postponed from the previous date, so they've really been looking forward to it."
"Well, that should be awesome for your family, George," Lilac said, trying to keep her spirits up for his sake.
"Yeah, it should be," He said, voice sounding a little faraway. He was still right at the phone, but his thoughts were clearly elsewhere.
"Hey," Lilac chided gently. "Don't get all down on me."
"I'm sorry," George said, chuckling sadly after a moment. "I don't mean to... bring down the mood. I am excited for the wedding and all, but I want to be there for you. Graduation is a huge deal, and Clay and Sapnap will be there and everything. I'll be the only one not there."
"You will be there for me," Lilac said, making something up on the fly to keep them both from getting too upset about the separation. "Just in spirit."
"Yeah, in spirit," George echoed, and then he paused for a moment. "I really am sorry. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill."
"You're not killing the buzz, don't worry," Lilac said. "It won't be the same without you, but we'll both just have to keep our chins up and enjoy our events."
"You're right," George said. "No sense in moping about, I guess."
"Exactly," Lilac agreed, although that's exactly what she felt like doing. And that is sort of what she did once they got off the phone. George had kept her company while she walked back to her dorm, and they'd changed the topic to more exciting things, like their plans on the SMP and the cooking squad streams they had planned for the early new year. The change in subject had lifted Lilac's mood while they were on the phone, but when Andi looked up at her with a questioning gaze upon her re-entry into their dorm room, her heart fell all over again.
"He can't come, Andi," Lilac said, walking over to Andi's bed and putting her head down in Andi's blanket-covered lap.
"Oh, no," Andi said gently, "I'm so sorry, Lilac." Andi wordlessly scooted over to make room for Lilac to get onto her bed, and she took off her shoes and got in. She didn't get under the covers, but she just laid on top of them, and Andi played with one of her braids, giving her the space to talk when she felt like it.
"I'm sorry, Andi," Lilac said after a few minutes of silence. "I feel like you've had to do so much comforting for me lately, and I haven't done much for you."
"What?" Andi said, dropping a braid in surprise. That was not what she was expecting to hear. "What on earth are you on about?"
"I really should be saying thank you, you've done so much for me," Lilac said, and because she was lying flat on her back, a few rogue tears fell straight down the sides of her face. "Thank you for being such a good friend, and I'm sorry for being not such a great friend lately."
"What are you talking about? Literally," Andi said, confused. "I don't understand where all of this is coming from."
"You've done so much to help me work my crap out, and I haven't been able to do that for you. Everything's supposed to be equal weight in a friendship. I... just don't want you to resent me. I don't want to lose you once we graduate."
"Sit up," Andi said after a long moment, and Lilac did as she was told. Andi took one of her hands in her own.
"Tell your brain to shut up," Andi commanded, a no-nonsense tone in her voice. "Do it." Lilac raised an eyebrow.
"Uh, brain, shut up?"
"Are you asking it? Or are you telling it?" Andi said, and Lilac shook her head.
"I don't understand why-"
"Because it's telling you that you haven't been a good friend when that's the farthest thing from the truth I've ever heard," Andi gushed, gripping Lilac's hand tighter as if she could make her understand through that. "You just got some of the greatest news ever, and your brain is usurping your joy. I won't have it." Lilac knew Andi was right, but this wasn't the first time she'd thought about it all. Every now and again those fears would nag at the back of her head and bring her mood down. Combined with the news that George couldn't be here for her graduation, it all seemed to come crashing down at once. Lilac spilled all of that and more, and Andi sat and listened to all of it. When she was done, Andi said one thing.
"Lilac, I want you to call Sapnap back and put him on speaker for me."
"Why?" Lilac sniffled.
"Please," Andi said as an answer. "For me." So Lilac did, getting Sapnap on call and putting it on speaker. Andi made her presence known, asking if he could get Clay in the room, too. Once the two boys were both present on the other line, Andi asked one question.
"How different would your lives be without Lilac in them?" She asked.
"What? It would be terrible," Sapnap answered. "I don't even want to think about that. Lilac's like my sister, she's always been there. That would be the worst."
"I haven't known Lilac very long, but I definitely wouldn't want to lose her as a friend," Clay added. "Our group has gained an irreplaceable piece since she joined it. I mean, we have the Dream Team, sure, but we couldn't have the Horsemen without her, and none of us want that."
"So you both would consider Lilac to be a good friend?" Andi asked. "Not a good friend as in good friend versus best friend, but good friend as in, is she good to you both?"
"Of course she is," They both said without missing a beat, and Sapnap added,
"You shouldn't even have to ask, she's good to you, too." Andi gave Lilac a look.
"Simple as that," She said, "And Sapnap, I wasn't asking for me." Andi and Lilac explained what Lilac was thinking, and the phone call turned into a four-way support group. All of them shared their difficulties with friendships and navigating through helping their friends through hard things. They all assured Lilac that she wasn't a bad friend at all, and reminded her gently that relying on her friends when she needed reassurance was okay. It was a little like a group therapy session, and even though they were on call to help Lilac, they all got something out of it. They all left the call feeling a little lighter. Lilac was smiling again.
"What did I do to deserve a roommate like you?" Lilac asked once she hung up her phone.
"The same thing I did to deserve one like you. Absolutely nothing," Andi said, grinning back. "We were just blessed with each other. We are who the other needed, and we have been all this time." Lilac liked that way of thinking of it. It stood true for all of her friends. She hadn't done anything in particular to deserve Clay, Sap, or George's friendship, but she had it all the same. She hadn't done anything to warrant... whatever it was that she had with George, but she had it all the same.
There was a certain beauty Lilac discovered in that moment, the beauty of discovering you can gain good things without necessarily deserving them. She had her family and her friends, people she would do anything for, and they had her, and that's all that really mattered.