hello my lovelies,
I hope you had a great day today and if not, I promise you there will be better times.
At the moment the chapters are not so exciting but this will soon change! These are chapters to get to know the characters better!
Have fun reading and always remember that you are amazing and enough.
I love you, bye.
Amara Thorne
Darius slams the driver's door as soon as I am in the car and I am curious what we're going to do. He rounds it and opens the passenger door to join me.
The second he sits next to me I look him into his eyes, while crossing my arms.
„We won't come far if you don't tell me where I should drive!", I say, giving him an expectant smile.
A thousand ideas come up to my mind as I think about the things we could do and the excitement builds up inside me.
„Drive to the next supermarket.", he answers giving me a huge grin.
What?
„What the fuck?!", I say, letting out a gasp.
Is this a fucking joke?
"Darius, I thought that we will do something fun like going around and torture some of our enemies or get high and drunk until we do not know our names anymore but instead you want to go shopping?", I continue, looking at him confused and slightly angry, raising one eyebrow.
„I know that you didn't expect that, and you know how fucking much I would love to do that with you but as I said before I want to experience something with you that has nothing to do with the Organized Crime, drugs or murderer. I wanted to try this out with you for so long, but we never got the chance and now we are able to do it, so it is time.", he explains.
„You seriously think that going grocery shopping with you will be more fun than killing our enemies? Did you hurt your head? I can't express how happy I am that I do not have to do these things. That is one of the reasons why I love this life. It is never boring."
„Do you know what it means to be a child? How it feels?", Darius asks me, throwing me off course, causing me to frown at him.
What stupid questions are these?
"Of course, I know what it feels like to be a child. I mean, how could I not? I was a child.", I answer, letting out a humorless laugh.
"You do? I think that's fucking bullshit."
"Excuse me?", I say, gasping.
"I do not think that you know what a real childhood looks like because you never had one. You have no idea what it means to be "normal". I have thought about this for a long time now and realized that we do not had one "normal" childhood-experience and it is crazy to say but I didn't even know by myself what this word even means. What is normal? For me it was playing with guns at eight and killing people at ten, torturing enemies of the family while other children my age spent time with their friend or played video games.", he explains, not showing any face expression.
"I know what a "normal childhood is, and it is boring.", I answer turning my gaze away, looking out of the window, watching the raindrops running down the glass.
"Do you really think that I can't tell when you are lying? You are honestly trying to make me believe that there was not one day on which you wanted to have another life. A life where you aren't surrounded by monsters. People who want nothing more than seeing you turning into them.", he says, sounding like he would be convinced that what he is saying is true.
"I am telling the truth. I do not want this boring life and I cannot believe that you are craving it. Everyday standing up and doing the same kind of shit. No, thank you. And if you think that outside of the Mafia there aren't any monsters, you are ignorant.", I say, looking back at him, his eyes boring into mine.
"You are right. Outside of the Organized Crime are monsters too and maybe they are even more dangerous because it is harder to distinguish the bad from the good but I want to have this "normal" childhood because these kids didn't see the bad in the world. I want to be ignorant. I do not want to know how cruel the world is.
When I mean I need this kind of life I do not mean that I want to do laundry or taking out the trash, but I talk about the things we couldn't do because we weren't allowed to try them out. The little things that seem insignificant but are so important and make the life worth of living.
Since I was born I tried to ignore the part of me who wanted to do everything to get out of the Mafia because it doesn't matter how bad I want it everybody knows that the only way out is death.
Nevertheless, lately I was thinking about what I would have liked to do if I could have had this childhood and absolutely nothing came up to my mind because I have no idea what children do that aren't trained to kill people.", he says, letting out a chuckle, shaking his head like he would be ashamed of the words he says.
"You couldn't think of one single thing that children do to have some fun?", I ask, trying not to sound degrading.
"That cannot be that hard.", I add, letting out a chuckle, looking at him in disbelieve.
"Really? Then tell me at least five activities children that are not part of the Organized Crime do with there friends.", he says, while studying my face.
I open my mouth to give him a long list and prove him wrong, but nothing comes out.
I try to think of anything that I could say but I am speechless.
Fuck!
Quickly I close my mouth again and clear my throat not looking into Darius' eyes anymore.
"So, what did you do next?", I ask, trying to overplay the fact that he was right.
"What do you think? I googled it. Yes, I took out my phone and looked up what the best things are to do as a child.", he clarifies.
"And? What did you find out and even more urgently I need to know why the fuck do you want to go to the supermarket with me?", I ask, excited and curious to hear his answer.
"There was a really long list of things you could do, and I have never even thought about doing that but as I read through the text I knew I would have to do that and I want you to do them to. I want to know how it feels like to be a child.
Your second question I will answer later if you decide to trust me and drive with me to the supermarket.", Darius answers, looking at me full of hope.
"Only this night.", he adds. Without saying anything I just nod and start the car to drive out of this street. The rain is getting heavier, and it is difficult for me to see something through the window, but luckily the next store is just around the corner.
During the short drive we don't speak a word and we are both lost in thought.
I do not know why I am so nervous, and my hands are sweaty even if the rest of my body, despite the jacket that I have put over, is cold.
I park my car in front of the grocery store and we both quickly step out of the Rolls Royce. We walk towards the building, the neon sign over the door shining brightly.
Still not saying a word we walk into the supermarket and get greeted by a nice-looking woman who clearly works here.
I notice that we three are the only people in the shop, but because of the time it is definitely not a surprise.
Darius speeds up and I follow him through a corridor until we finally stop in front of a huge shelf.
"Do you want to tell me now why we are here?", I ask, and the assassin turns around looking into my eyes.
"The first thing we are going to do is buying as much sweets as we are able to carry so later we can eat so many of them that we throw up.", he explains, giving me a little smile.
"Really? This is what you want to do? We are here so we can stuff us with sweets?", I ask, trying not to break out into laughter.
"Yes and no. This is the first thing that was on the list and yeah it seems stupid but I promise it will be fun.", he says, his smile getting bigger.
I do not think I have ever seen him this happy or in general happy.
Darius is so strong, but he is still a child, we all are because even if we had to act like adults as soon as we could walk, we never really grew up and nobody knows that but we fight every goddamn day so this will never happen.
We do not want to grow up.
I smile back at him and get closer to the shelf. I reach out without thinking about it and load my hands with the candy and chips.
In the corner of my eye, I see Darius doing the same thing and without a word we take as much as we can carry.
We really should have taken a shopping cart.
"So, what do we need next?", I ask, turning away from the shelf now looking at the man.
"We have to buy soap bubbles.", he answers.
"What the hell are soap bubbles?", I ask, looking confused.
Is this bubble gum with soap-flavor?
If so, it must taste disgusting.
"I didn't know what that is either, but I have seen pictures of it and the children on them looked happy, so I guess we will buy it and then we can find out what exactly we can do with it.", he answers.
I nod and then we walk back to the woman we have seen before to ask her, where we can find these soap bubbles.
Darius and I get them and after the cashier asks us if we need her help with anything else and we tell her we do not, she lets us alone again.
"Shopping with you is exhausting.", Darius says, looking at me with a pained expression.
I frown at him and then start to laugh louder than I want but I just cannot hold it back.
"Really? The last time I saw you, you had a bullet in your arm, and you haven't even look, the slightest like you would care and now you are whining because it is exhausting to go shopping with me?", I ask, trying to stop laughing.
"A bullet is nothing against the pain I feel when I go shopping with you. It is horrible.", he defends himself.
"First of all, you dragged me here and second of all we are in this shop for like ten minutes so don't be such a fucking baby. I can run in these heels for hours and you are upset because you walk five meters.", I say, rolling my eyes.
"Have you any idea how lucky you are? Every other man in this fucking world would do anything to take your place right now and they definitely wouldn't complain but rather fall on their knees before me.", I add, grinning at him.
"Absolutely right and you know I will get on my knees for you anytime if you just ask.", he says, giving me a smirk.
"So, do we need anything else?", I ask, changing the subject.
"Yes, wait a minute here.", Darius answers before walking around the corner, disappearing out of my sight.
What the hell is he up to now?
After a few moments standing here, the assassin comes back with something that looks like a drawing pad.
"What the fuck is that?", I ask him as he walks towards me.
"Mandalas.", he answers, smiling at me.
Yeah, he definitely has never grown up.
"Ok, maybe I do not know what children outside of our scene do but I am pretty sure that they do not color in mandalas except they are five.", I say, looking confused but also amused.
"Well, I don't give a fuck. I want to have a mandala.", he says and then turns around walking towards the cash register.
I roll my eyes and let out a chuckle before I follow him, still carrying the sweets in my arms. We pay and then leave the store the rain now also drenching the things we have just bought.
Darius puts the groceries inside the car and as I want to get into it he grabs my arm, stopping me.
"What now?", I say, looking at him slightly annoyed because I am fucking cold and want to get inside the car now.
"We have to jump into the puddles.", he says, grinning at me.
"What? No way!", I say, frowning at him.
"Come on, Amara. We can listen to your favorite song while we do it.", he says.
"I don't have a favorite song.", I say, lying to him.
Why am I lying?
"Lies. Everybody has a favorite song.", he says and slightly tilts his head, wile looking down on me, his hair a mess because of the rain that gets heavier every minute.
"Please.", he pleads.
This is so fucking weird.
I have never heard him pleading in his entire life before.
"5 minutes.", I give in and open the door of the car, taking out my earphones.
I give one part to Darius and put the other one in my ear. I take my phone out of the jacket pocket and connect it to Bluetooth.
Then I start a random playlist and immediately Always Forever by Cults sounds through my headphones. I really like this song, but it is by far not my favorite.
I trust Darius, still I cannot listen with him to this special music.
The next minutes we laugh while jumping into the puddles and our clothes get dirtier every second, we are here but we do not care about anything and that is the best about it.
I haven't felt so good for such a long time but still something is missing.
I feel free but my heart doesn't seem complete, like a part of me would still be gone.
After the song ends and we are finished with laughing we get into the car, the water and dirt is dropping down on the leather of my Rolls Royce.
"Now I look like a wet dog.", I say, rolling my eyes, letting out a laugh.
Darius just shrugs and gives me a little smile.
The next hour we eat, exactly like we planned, so many sweets that we feel sick and talk about the most random things.
We needed a long time to figure out how to make soap bubbles but, in the end, we were able to do it.
I cannot describe how thankful I am that they are not bubble gum with soap flavor.
After we are finished with all the food and I feel like I would die if I ate another candy, we just sit there in silence looking at each other.
Darius studies my face closely and I know exactly what's on his mind.
"Ask.", I say finally, pulling him out of his thoughts.
"What?", he asks confused.
"You know exactly what I am talking about."
He lets out a deep breath and then runs one hand through his curly hair.
"How is she?", he asks, looking deep into my eyes.
"She is fine, but you know that so ask what you really want to know, Darius.", I say, giving him a little smile.
"Did she forget about me?", he blurts out, finally speaking out what he really wants to know.
"No.", I tell him honestly and I see the corner of his mouth rising slightly before he clears his throat, trying not to show how he feels about my answer.
Still, I know exactly how happy he is on the inside.
"You should call her.", I say, and Darius starts shaking his head.
"No, I can't.", he answers.
"Why not?", I ask, slightly confused why he acts like my advice has been awful.
"Because I haven't seen her for so long.", he answers.
"We both know that's not the real reason, Darius. You know you can tell me everything, right?", I say, running my hand over his forearm to reassure him that I haven't lied.
Darius nods and looks out of the windshield of the car.
"She deserves the best man on this fucking planet. A person who can offer her the world. I am honest. I want her. I want her so fucking bad and I also need her. I have never needed someone more."
„So, what is the problem?"
"I am too fucked up to be loved. I will hurt her. If she falls in love with me, it will be her downfall.", he says, and I can hear the pain in his voice, that he tries to hide.
It is too late for that.
Fuck, Darius why can't you see that she is so in love with you since the first time she saw you.
"Then we have something in common. I am also fucked up.", I say, letting out a chuckle.
"Yes, I noticed that.", he replies, also chuckling.
After that we sit here in silence until Darius speaks up again.
"I am not ready to love.", he adds, looking away from the windshield travelling his gaze over my face now.
"Maybe you are right about that but maybe you are just scared and use this as an excuse because you are the one who is scared to get hurt.", I say.
He doesn't reply anything just nods and looks out of the windshield again.
We sit there for two hours while listening to the rain, not saying anything.
As we see the sun starting to rise, we decide that it is better if our ways part, so I drive to my apartment instead of to Darius' place because he insisted to go from there alone.
As we both get out of the car, we give each other a small smile.
"It was an honor to see you again.", he says, before walking away, simply disappearing.
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