Choices.... that's what it all comes down to.....choices. Do you stay or do you go. Tell the truth or lie. Keep the secret or share. What the choice is doesn't matter. The good, the bad, the rushed and thought out. Life is all about the choices we make and the unforeseen fallout.
It wasn't long after Rick had slammed the door that Doc came in search of his missing patient. "Maggie I need you to go back inside the centre so I can monitor you and your friends."
I knew she was reluctant to let go of the embrace. I was too for that matter. "Come see me in the morning before we leave."
I didn't say a word. I couldn't make another promise to Maggie I couldn't keep. She deserved more than that from me. It all depended on wether or not I would find Maggie alone from the rest of the group. Which I doubted would happen.
Doc stood by my side as he watched Maggie move stiffly back upstairs and inside. "So that's the prison group."
At a loss for words I stared at the closed door. "Ya, some of them."
Clearing his throat Doc wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Did you want to monitor them tonight?"
What I wanted to do, what I needed to do, was cry. Shaking my head I mumbled, "No my job here is done."
With a sigh, exhausted I began to walk towards my trailer. Watching me for a moment Doc spoke up, "Unfinished business is the worst kind to have. Words left unsaid become unbearable baggage."
Pausing I looked over my shoulder at Doc. "Sometimes you can't go home Doc. Sometimes things just.....change."
Heavy hearted and all but emotionally destroyed I just wanted to shut myself away in my trailer. To turn off the outside world for just a moment so I could just breath. As much as I wanted it I knew it wasn't going to happen. In the three months since Shane and I left the prison he never strayed far from my side for very long.
I had just closed the door behind me when it opened back up. Without looking behind me I kept walking to the back of the trailer towards my bed.
Locking the door Shane moved the blind so he could see outside. "We need to talk."
My patients with everyone and everything had all but run out. "Your not deaf Shane. I told you once already we don't need to talk."
Barley able to drag his eyes from the window but for a second Shane nodded at me. "Uh ya we do. I know you know the prison group is here."
Seriously what was Shane looking for. Did he honestly think Rick was going to come talk to me. That was a guaranteed no from the way he had looked at me. Any connection, any bond that once laid between us had been severed.
"Shane," I snapped finally catching his full attention. "I'm done and I'm going to bed. If you want to talk go find someone else."
"I saw you with Maggie." Shane said finally turning from the door.
Shrugging my shoulders I could feel my temper rising. "I'm sure you did."
With his hands on his hips Shane cracked his jaw back and forth. "What is that suppose to mean."
"Nothing," I snapped. "Hershel was attacked and he didn't make it. I was only grieving with a friend."
Scrubbing his hands down his face Shane walked closer. Leaning on the counter he began to drum his fingers as he looked at the floor. "So what does this mean?"
When I didn't answer right away Shane looked up at me with a myriad of emotion flickering in his eyes. "It means nothing other than our guys were lucky they we close by. It means that instead of loosing four we only lost one. It means I'm done talking about this and I'm going to bed."
Laying down I curled up in a ball cradling my knees to my chest. In the dark of my room I fought my emotions that threatened to swallow me whole. My mind raced at a hundred miles an hour bouncing from one thing to the next without giving pause or notice.
Moments later Shane laid down beside me. I wanted him to go to his own trailer but at least Shane didn't try to touch me or talk. I needed time alone to process everything. To wrap my mind around everything that had happened. It all just seemed so unreal as if it were a figment of my imagination.
I thought about all the choices I had made and the unknown consequences they lead to. If my sister and I wouldn't have gone that day she would have survived. If we hadn't brought those guys to the apartment building then the attack never would have occurred. If I had turned right instead of left I never would have found the prison group.
Falling head over heels in love with Rick and believing that somehow love was enough. All the excuses I had invented in my head to justify being with a married man that turned around and bit me in the ass once Lori showed up. Unable to face the mess I had made I took the cowards way out and ran paving the path to Hershel's death. All my choices big or small seemed to take not just myself but everyone around me out in one giant swoop.
Since coming here the fallout to my choices hasn't stopped. The price for allowing things to happen between Shane and I hasn't yet to come to light although I doubted it would take much longer. It was nothing more than a pendulum swinging above my head ready to crashing down on me.
It wasn't just my history of terrible choices I had made than ravaged my sleepless deprived mind. The simple fact I knew Rick was in camp was reason enough to not sleep. My heart ached with each beat. I wanted to go to him with every ounce of my being. To hear his voice, cast my eyes upon his face, to feel his presence. Just to see with my own two eyes that he was ok. To look him in the eyes and tell him that I was so sorry for leaving the way I did.
Only Rick wanted nothing to do with me now. That much was clear from when I saw him earlier. Everything from his posture to the look on his face screamed loathing. Rick wanted so little to do with me that he unlike the others did bother to say a word. I'm sure if he had the words would have been hurtful and nothing I wanted to hear. At least it would have meant that he felt something for me even if it was hatred. Turning his back, completely shutting me out was the coldest thing Rick could have done.
Tossing and turning the entire night sleeping wasn't going to be an option. In the early pre dawn hours Mother Nature finally decided now was the time to rain. Not just a light refreshing rain to ease the parched dry earth either. No instead it was a display of all the power she had to give. Switching from driving rain with a wind that chilled you to the bone and to mix it up hail the size of a quarter.
I sat at the kitchen table of my trailer restlessly listening to Shane snore. Normally I my day would have already started and I would be walking the halls of the medical centre. Instead today I sat looking blankly out the window I could see the shadow shapes of people moving around inside the medical centre. Watching the hail come down so hard it bounce off the ground. The prison vehicles were still outside. I doubted they would be going anywhere today. It was far from safe but then again it may just depend on how bad Rick wanted to get away from me.
It's not like I wanted to see him either necessarily. Ok so that was a lie. I was to scared of his reaction and what he would say. That's fine I thought to myself. If I couldn't avoid by going gathering I would clean my trailer. Maybe catch up on some reading. There was lots I could do and stay tucked away.
"Hey your up already," Shane's groggy voice came just behind me. "Did you even sleep last night."
Kissing me on the top of the head Shane walked over to the stove. Feeling the sides of the kettle he flipped the generator on and turned the stove on. Placing the kettle back on the burner to warm he turned looking at me expectantly.
"I slept some....not a great deal." Running my hands through my tangled hair I tried to work some of the knots free. "To much on my mind I guess."
Sitting down across from me Shane looked out the window. His eyes settling on the jeep and the truck belonging to the prison group. Folding his arms in the table in front of himself Shane looked up searching my face. "To bad this shit didn't hold off till noon."
I knew exactly what Shane meant even tho he didn't come right out and say it. We were both thinking if the weather had cooperated then the prison group would have been long gone. A fresh wave of guilt began to settle in my gut. It was self serving to wish them gone. To wish they would just go despite the forbidding weather. After all they had saved the lives of hunting group. Now a days tho I seemed to tend towards what served my needs. Nodding my head I took my last swig of coffee.
"Did you want a tea or a coffee?" I asked as I got up going to the kettle. I needed to get Shane moving.
"Coffee is fine." Shane mumbled once again looking out the window at the medical centre.
I added the instant coffee to Shane's travel mug while I put mine in the coffee cup. Creamer, water and a quick stir I closed the lid on Shane's and placed it in front of him.
Giving me a questioning look Shane pointed at my coffee mug, "Your not going to the centre?"
"No I'm just going to hang back. I think I just need some alone time." My answer I hoped would give Shane the hint that I didn't want to talk.
"Won't Doc need you?" Shane asked.
"No... it's just a matter of checking on people this morning and with Brian on call even that won't take long. My plan was to go collecting but with this weather that will have to wait now." I paused for a moment before I decided to repeat myself. "I just need some to myself."
"Okay," uncertainty sounded in Shane's voice as he nodded his head in agreement. Grabbing his travel mug Shane took but a few tentative steps towards the door before he stopped turning back to look at me. "Are we ok?"
In that moment I considered what exact label I would use to define what were we. In my head we were friends having sex. Fuck buddies to be precise. Through Shane's eyes I had no idea what we were. Until this point we never talked about feelings, never said I love you, we just were. Only it would appear that within the last 24 hours that was no longer sufficient for Shane. Now he clearly had a need to label what if anything we were.
"Everything is fine," giving Shane a weak smile I stood giving him a quick peck on the lips. Taking Shane by the shoulders I began to nudge him the final steps towards the door. "You had better get a move on before people come looking for you."
It wasn't the words Shane wanted to hear nor was it the reaction he had hoped for. There was a conversation we were dancing around. The pitfalls of subjects we were trying to pretend didn't exist. They were all bubbling to the surface and I knew soon they would be coming to a head. The elephant could only stay in the dark for so long.
The arrival of the prison group was forcing a change in the dynamics that was Shane and I. Not only did I not have a choice in the matter but it seemed as tho there was nothing I could do to stop it. I could see it in his eyes, the words he used, the uncertain nature of his touch. It had only been a few hours since Shane had left when a knock came to my door. I wasn't necessarily surprised Shane was back already. I figured he would stay close and keep a paranoid watchful eye. I guess I was just disappointed in the fact when I asked for space he didn't give it.
"Come in," I called from my bed. I had been curled up reading and listening to the storm. When Shane didn't come to the back but lingered in the front of the trailer it struck a cord. Hopping off my bed I jerked the curtain back ready to blast Shane with a few choice words.
"Seriously....." The word falling from my mouth before I had a chance to stop myself. For it wasn't Shane who stood before me but Maggie and Glenn. "Oh... sorry I thought... it doesn't matter."
Caught in a rude unwelcoming silence the three of us stood stiffly waiting for the other to say something. Looking between Maggie and myself Glenn finally took a step forward as he cleared his throat. "Hi Jenna, it's good to see you."
"Thanks Glenn it's good to see you too." For what ever reason I took an awkward step forward extending my hand. Thankfully Glenn didn't hesitate as he took my hand shaking it.
This was so painfully odd. Three months ago we considered each other family. Talked about everything and anything at the drop of a hat. We were so close and now we couldn't seem to get past hello.
Rocking back and forth on her heels Maggie looked about the place I now called home. "So do you have time for a coffee."
"Um Ya sure," I fumbled around in my cupboard grabbing three cups. Keeping my back turned to them I tried to collect my thoughts. This shouldn't be so hard. "Just take a seat."
It seemed to take years for the water to boil. Long minutes in which a hundred irrational thoughts barrelled through my mind. Setting their cups in front of them I had no idea what to expect from this forced impromptu visit.
"So how's your wrist?" I mumbled nervously.
"Good," Maggie nodded her head as she tucked her hair behind her ear. "Good"
"And the others," I felt stupid for asking but I was trying to be polite. I guess I wanted to know how Rick was it was just hard to admit to.
"Their good. Daryl's seems to be favouring his arm a bit but nothing bad." Taking a drink of his coffee Glenn seemed to be contemplating wether he should expand further or not. "Ricks... Ricks stomach is defiantly sore. The cut was pretty long and deep but Doc did a good job."
"That's good." I had no idea what to say. I still couldn't figure out why they were here. "So what's up?"
Maggie instantly looked down at her hands as she nervously began to play with her cup. Glenn was not much better as he suddenly began to look everywhere but at me.
"Ok I'm just going to come right out and say it." Glen began his voice still and tight. "When Hershel died most of our medical knowledge went with him. We need someone with that sort of knowledge in camp. Or at least someone willing to come and train someone from our camp temporarily."
"We all talked last night and we were hoping you would be willing too." Maggie looked up meeting my eyes with hesitancy for a brief second. "Dad taught you homeopathic medicine as well as traditional. We have used most of the supplies that you had gathered. That's why dad was out there in the first place trying to teach Carl."
My mouth gapped open. I know it did but they had completely taken me off guard. Of all the things I had imagined why Maggie and Glenn were here this didn't even hit the radar of possibilities. I knew I should say something but I couldn't think of a simple word. It was as if my mind and mouth had disconnected from each other.
"Look I know it's a lot to think about," Glenn hedged. "That's why we are asking you now. Give you time to think about it before we leave."
"I don't think Daryl and Rick would want me there." Finally I found my mouth and managed to utter a sentence.
"It was Daryl's idea," Maggie reached over and took my hands. "Don't give us an answer right away. Just promise that you will think about it that's all. We're not leaving until tomorrow."
"Please Jenna, we know how you feel and we wouldn't be asking if we didn't need your help." Glenn implored.
Talk about blowing someone's mind. Once again I was faced with a choice and no cut and dry answer. For no matter what I chose to do there would be fallout. I just had to decide what I could live with.