Chapter 41
Axel
China clinked as the waiter proceeded to clear our table.
The dinner was excellent. And I enjoyed Lauren's company even if she didn't utter a single word while we ate.
Some people might think it's weird this way, but I don't mind. As long as she's with me, I'm at peace. It's strange and scary, but it feels right. I just wish she could feel the same way.
"Dinner was great, huh?" I started.
She gave a curt nod then looked out to the sea.
I watched her as she sat under the warmth of the twinkle lights – her long dark locks swayed with the soft breeze as it catches the light.
She's so perfect.
And I'm an idiot.
"It's a lovely evening, don't you think?" I started, breaking the silence. "How come they don't celebrate Halloween here?"
No response.
"I loved the dolphins earlier," I said in hopes of some reaction, but nothing. "Did you see the ostrich that was hiding behind a bush? I saw it when I came out of the bathroom. Oh, and-"
"Cut the crap, James." Her face was stern when she faced me. "Why are you doing this?"
"I'm just making conversation."
"No, you're deflecting. I need an explanation."
I exhaled a breath.
"Okay."
I was dreading this moment, but I knew it was inevitable.
I know I should be ready, knowing I let it drag this long. But somehow, after all this time, I still don't know how to explain everything. Or anything, for that matter.
"Well, I saw you drinking with Cassandra, Dave, and some other people at The Palace the other night."
"Not that." confusion etched all over her face. "But, okay," she nodded. "Let's start with that. How did we get here?"
"Well, by the plane. And then by the ferry."
"That's established, dumbass. Get to the point."
"I was just lightening the mood," I defended. She was serious. "Okay, here it goes. I, uh, I saw you drinking."
"Uh-huh, we already know that. Can you pick up the pace? How slow can your thought process be?"
Rude.
I cleared my throat, "Anyway, I vaguely remember that I asked what I can do for you to forgive me."
Asked? More like begged.
Her brows rose in surprise but soon followed by intrigue. "And?"
"And you ignored me."
She chuckled.
"Then I asked what I can do to make it better and you said nothing unless I can magically extend your stay and take you-" I looked at my surroundings, "here."
She paused for a while, seeming to take it all in.
"Oh," she said under her breath and her eyes closed from embarrassment. She covered her face with her hands.
It's the cutest thing.
I shook the thought away. What's wrong with me? I'm walking on the sharp edge of a knife and all my stupid brain can think of is how cute she is?
"Anyway, it was because you were stressed out because Harper and-"
"Yeah," she interjected. "Harper and Mitchell told us they have to cut the trip short because of something urgent. I can't remember what though. That night is still in bits and pieces." She exhaled loudly, "God." and walked a few steps away from me as she took everything in.
One night and this is her reaction. I can't imagine how she'll react if I tell her the whole story from the gala.
She got pretty far and sat on a nearby bench.
I followed her. She stared at the crashing waves as I sat next to her.
"Well, I remember they said they had to do some damage control. Something with their meeting with the execs. Of what, I do not know." I continued.
Silence ensued and only the soft crashes of water and static can be heard.
She suddenly punched my arm.
"Ow. What was that for?"
She stood and looked down at me.
"You took advantage of me."
I stood immediately, towering her. "Excuse me?"
"That's right. You knew I was intoxicated. Why would you do that?"
"Because you asked me to!"
"I wasn't in my right mind!"
"I didn't know that!" My voice raised; she stumbled a step back. "I didn't know that. I'm sorry," I said more calmly. "In my defense, you didn't sound drunk, in any way or form. I thought you were still on your right mind. I mean, not drunk."
She exhaled, defeated. "Fuck," she crossed her arms.
"What?"
"Hailey has told me that before."
"That?"
"That I don't look or sound drunk while I'm drunk. All I know is that the hangover is bad and that, most times, I can't seem to remember what happened." She threw her hands, "Why would I even drink? It's like I never learn."
I nodded. That makes sense. Twice now I've seen her drunk and twice now I had to explain myself.
I should've based on experience.
I shouldn't have taken her here.
But then again, if I hadn't, she wouldn't have been able to see her family. That would've sucked because she's already so close. And her family's actually nice, unlike mine.
Silence enveloped again.
God, this is so awkward.
"So, what did you think of our fourth date tonight?"
Her expression filled with disbelief, "Are you kidding me?" her voice charged.
Nice save, Axel. You just know what to say, don't you?
"You thought we'd still finish those five dates?" her voice filled with incredulity.
"Well, you agreed."
"When?"
"The other night?"
"Again, I was intoxicated. What made you think I was lucid enough to make a decision?"
I raised my brows at her.
"Right," she continued. "I didn't sound drunk."
"Well, if you don't want to go on with it, why haven't you told Harper yet?"
"About what?"
"About what happened between us? About the party? About how you don't want to do this anymore? That you hate me?"
She chuckled, "You're hilarious."
"Am I?"
She faced me, "Why would I tell her that?"
"Why haven't you told her that?" I countered.
She was taken aback and her mouth closed shut.
"Why haven't you told her that?" I challenged, moving closer to her. Her gaze danced around my face. "Is it because you developed feelings for me somehow?"
Her brows rose and she guffawed, "A-ha! You're unbelievable. Your ego is so enormous, I can't even fathom how to measure it. Did you really think I'd tell her? She's my boss, Axel. And I may have failed to see that fucking initiation clause in my contract, but it's there. I just found out from Cassandra. And it's legal and binding. And if I didn't go through, or at least pretend to go through with all of this, I'd be fired. Now, you may not know what it's like to work for a living, but I happen to like my job, and I need my job, and I'd hate to be fired. And I'm telling you, it's rare - very rare - to have nice colleagues in the workplace."
"Is that all?"
She took a breath, "No." her head shook, "I was so fucking embarrassed. I am so embarrassed by what happened. You made me feel embarrassed. You made me run away from a ball you took me to. I felt like a fool. Damn, I was a fool. Like how did I not see it? Oh, I know. Because I chose to see the good in you, despite all of the signs from day one. Despite all of your warnings that all of it was just a game, I chose to see the good in you." She stopped in thought, "The blame is on me." She chuckled, "The blame is on me. These past few weeks I was wondering whose fault it was, and it was mine."
"No. It's not your fault..."
"Well then, goddamnit, help me understand." She snapped. "Help me understand." Her eyes were pleading.
I felt gut-punched.
She bit her lip, trying to keep the tears at bay.
Fuck. I can't take this.
"I'm so sorry," I started, taking a step closer.
"Don't." she held a hand out and shook her head.
She exhaled and her expression changed, "Tell me."
I cleared my throat, "What do you want to know?"
"Everything?" her head shook, "Everything. The whole truth. Full-on ugly. I don't care. I have to know why. Why did you play me like that?"
I lowered my head, "It was just a game at first."
She scoffed. I looked at her. She nodded, "Go on."
"I know it might sound crazy, and it totally is, but I have an affliction for games, and bets, and winning. Katie was right, I was sick. I always wanted to win. I have always wanted to win for as long as I can remember."
She kept a straight face, intently listening to what I have to say.
"It wasn't a lie when I told you about my lost sister. My Mom and Dad really met at that diner, she really was a waitress, and she really had to give my oldest sister up for adoption."
She nodded, "What was the movie Katie was talking about?"
"The movie was real too. It was loosely based on my parents' life, but it wasn't public knowledge. They wanted to keep it in the wraps– as anonymous as possible. Even Katie doesn't know it. I said it one time, she didn't believe me because she knows the movie. She was in it. We were eight. When she said I was a liar, I decided it wasn't worth explaining."
She just nodded. I continued to the story.
"Anyway, my Mom was closed off since day one. I think it was from all the damage from her early years. She was tough on me as a kid; always challenges me. And sometimes she would tell me it's okay if I didn't get it right, she doesn't expect me to." I chuckled, "She doesn't expect me to. I don't blame her for how fucked up I came to be; it was all my fault, all my doing. And most probably, her heart was set in the right place. But sometimes, I can't help but think that what she did made me want to constantly prove myself. Like I have to. I don't lose. I always win. That's the way it has always been."
"That's fucked up," she whispered.
"You're right. It is. And that night at the club, at Crosshair, where I first met you, Katie said I could never pull the girl on the bar."
"And that was me." She said in realization. "And she was there with you that night. Makes sense. I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time."
I ignored her comment because for me she was at the right place at the right time, I just messed up in the process.
"I had a bet with you and I took that opportunity. And of course, we both know that I lost to you. For the first time in my life, I lost a bet. What's worse is, it's to the girl who was dared to me as a challenge. I lost twice that night."
"So that was the reason why you lied to me?"
"I didn't lie to you. I never did."
"Omission is a lie if you don't know yet."
"That's not the same thing."
"You pretended like you didn't know anything. You called the paparazzi on me. Is that not a lie?"
"It's manipulation."
Her eyes widened, a flare of overwhelming annoyance, "And you're proud of that?"
"No, I –"
"It's like you've waited for the perfect opportunity, huh? You just had to get my trust first before it all goes to shit and you'll become the savior. It all makes sense! God, I was so dumb."
I stayed silent, not knowing what to say. She was right. Everything she said was right. It was all part of the plan.
"And what's the hash with you and that girl Katie? Are you together? Are you both playing me? What did I do to you people?"
I exhaled, "Katie and I are on-again, off-again. It's hard to explain but we've known each other for a very long time and we've always been in the same circles. We can't seem to escape each other and for the past ten years, it has always been that way. We can't seem to work it out, but we understand each other's quirks. And in our lonely world, sometimes, that's good enough."
"But why me?" she said, forlorn.
I shook my head, in absence of further explanation.
She happened to be there. I lost to her. I found her again. And that dare was the perfect opportunity to redeem my reputation.
Now I know how messed up that is.
"Everything goes my way, up until that moment. You have to understand that."
"I do." she gave a nod.
"You do?"
"Yeah, everything in your life was handed to you. You were born from a rich family. You have it easy. You have the pretty face, you're tall, you're white, you are privileged. Even your career was handed to you."
My brows knit together. "That's not how it goes."
"The fuck that isn't how it goes. I saw it with my own eyes how people were waiting on you hand and foot. You're just a sad little rich boy who didn't experience the lows of life so, you find yourself a rollercoaster in the form of these games, just for the thrill of it, and people are your playthings." She exhaled, "It just sucks that it happened to be me."
"Don't say that. That isn't true."
"Isn't it? Or are you just so used to lying, you can't figure out the truth?"
She moved closer, "Let's face it, Axel. You cannot give two shits about anyone other than yourself."
I took a step forward, "Oh really? Then why am I here with you?"
She fell silent.
"If I don't give a damn, why am I here with you? Why would I go out of my way just to be with you?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's a continuation of your games. I don't know anything anymore. You're too complicated, you don't understand just how you confuse me."
"Oh, believe me, I do. I am so confused about why I feel this way towards you. I have never felt any remorse before from all these games, but with you, it's different that I can't explain. I just-" I exhaled. "I just didn't expect it to be you."
She stared at me confused, chest heaving ever so slightly.
I moved closer. "People have said that we don't know what we have until it's lost. I didn't believe that shit before. I could just buy another one if I lost it. But I finally understood what it meant the night of the ball. I never realized how much I liked you until you walked away."
She laughed humorlessly, "First of all, I was never yours, so how can I be lost? And second, you don't like me. You like the idea of me. You like the idea of having romance out of a fucked-up game. Two birds in one stone, right? Wrong. Because guess what? I will never give that to you. You will never have that satisfaction. Because I'm telling you, I will never be yours. I will never be yours," she said sternly, making sure it's carved in my brain.
She turned and walked away.
Away from me, away from my life, and she did it decidedly.
She will never be mine and she made that clear. I have zero chances left on the girl that made me feel like myself for once in my miserable life and I'm the one to blame for it.
I felt water on my cheek. I wiped it dry.
Was that a tear?
Well, shit. Happy Birthday to me.
My phone rang as I watch her make her way back to the room.
I fished my phone out of my pocket, "Hello?" I sniffed.
"Mr. James, we have a lead."
"About what?"
"I think we found your sister."