Trigger warnings: Attempted suicide / Suicide letters
Becky
I sat in my wwe supplied motorhome, feeling lost like I didn't belong here anymore. This has been building for a while so I knew it was only a matter of time until dangerous thoughts would fill my head. The only reason I've been hanging on this long is for Seth, I make him so happy even when I'm dying inside but I just can't do it anymore, I just can't hold on.
I walk into my kitchen and I see the three packets of some drugs I bought from the pharmacy and I feel sick as I pick up the packet, my hands shaking as I open the box. I hesitantly drop the box and I see a pen and some paper, deciding that I can't go without leaving a letter. I need him to know that I'm sorry and that I love him, I'll never be able to live with myself if I don't. Ironic really.
As I put pen to paper I just feel my tears falling. I've never felt so lost in my entire life, I just can't do it anymore. I get this horrible sinking feeling in my chest and it feels like I can't breathe and it just breaks me, it makes me not want to do this anymore because it's just not worth it.
I fold up the paper and I address it to 'Seth Rollins' I want to be sick as I place the letter down on the kitchen counter, alongside the drugs. I just want this to end, I just want this to be over because I can't take anymore and I can't give anymore. This world has broken me, I've been losing myself for months and now, well I've finally lost myself.
I pour myself a glass of water and I pop the first few pills out of the packet, I just stare at the 4 pills on my kitchen counter and I just can't hold back my sobs as I shove them all into my mouth, needing this to be over, needing to finally end my life.
I take the whole packet and it feels like I'm looking at my life through somebody else eyes, I feel free. But then it all came crashing down and I fell to the floor, feeling like the tiles were chaining me down. The only thing I could do now was sob, the deep regret sinking into the fabric of my skin as I tried to keep my eyes open, as I tried to hold on.
It felt like my life was on grey scale as everything around me got dark, I wanted to stop being lost but now I'll never be found.
Seth
I return to my motorhome, exhausted after a busy media day and I pull out my phone to text Becky. "Hey, you feeling any better? I could come round and make your favourite if you want? x" I wait ten minutes and when I still don't receive a text back from Becky I decide to go over and check on her, she's probably just asleep but considering she was sick this morning I better check to make sure she doesn't need me.
I grab her spare motorhome key off the sideboard and I quickly dash across, not wanting to get drenched by the awful weather conditions in Detroit. I unlock the door and I push it open, Becky's motorhome feels very eerily empty as I close the door behind me. I switch the light on and I look through her house to the kitchen, spotting a letter addressed to me.
I start to walk towards the kitchen and I feel my heart stop as I see the empty packet of some American pharmacy drug. There's a knocked over glass on the counter too and my heart is in my throat as I round the corner to see Becky, collapsed on the floor and I immediately fall to my knees. "Becky, hey it's me. Please wake up." I grab her wrist and her skin is cold like ice and I'm struggling to find a pulse.
With my hands trembling I pull my phone out of my pocket and I dial 999. "999, what's your emergency?" A male responder spoke down the line. "It's my friend, I just found her collapsed in her home and I think she's tried to kill herself." I was still kneeling by her side, holding one of her hands. "Okay, do you know what has happened?" The responder was very calm, while it felt like my heart was going to explode. "I think she's over dosed on something." I could barely breathe as I choked out my words. "Please she really needs help and I-can't lose her." I cried and I could hear the responder typing on his keyboard. "I've already dispatched an ambulance and they are on their way, is the patient responsive?" I looked down at Becky and I called out to her but she didn't move, it didn't even look like she was still alive. "No...no I don't think s
She's breathing! Please please please, I'm gonna lose her." I whimpered, feeling defeated as every second passed. "Try and keep calm, our team are on the way." I placed my phone down and I put it on speaker as I pulled Becky closer to me, her cold skin chilling my entire body.
"Becky I'm here okay? I'm not going to leave you and I really need you to wake up from this because there's so many things I want to tell you, so many feelings I was yet to confess and there's so much, too much for us to do together so I'm going to need you to hold on okay." I dragged my hands through her hair as I felt the pit in my stomach grow deeper, the letter addressed to me catching my eye again. "You should see the ambulance shortly." I stood up carefully from the floor, my legs not feeling like my own as I stumbled downstairs to open the door for them.
The paramedics rushed to Becky and everything just went silent as this numbing feeling coated my entire body, I watched them trying to save Becky and my tears just fell, running down my cheeks like the rain on the windows. I could barely breathe as I just watched them, as I just watched her. I wanted just to curl up in a ball and sob as Becky's heart refused to beat but I couldn't, it felt like I was chained to the chair. "Charge to 200. Clear...shocking." I watched as the machine came to life, Becky's heartbeat on the screen, the lines following her rhythm and I just felt my entire body be flooded with relief, she's alive. I wasn't too late.
"We need to get her to the hospital now, or we're going to lose her." Suddenly my relief was cut short as they rushed her onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. I grabbed the letter from the kitchen before I followed them because I wasn't going to let Becky do this alone, I want to be there when she wakes up because I need to know she's okay and I need her to know that she's okay.
A few hours later...
I sat at Becky's bedside, playing with the letter in my hands like I had been since I left her house, I haven't built up the courage to read it yet, not sure if I'd be able to handle reading her give up, reading her say goodbye to me. It was a very dangerous overdose and the doctors honestly don't know how she's even still alive considering the levels of drugs that were in her body. As soon as we got here they took her for scans and testing, they've already preformed a stomach pump on her to try and balance the levels in her body and that was some of the scariest time in my life, every time a doctor came over to me I'd thought I'd lost her but I haven't and I need to read her letter.
I put my phone on silent as I lean back in my plastic chair, finally having the courage to read the letter. I feel sick as I read the first line because in my head it's Becky reading it to me.
"Dear Seth Rollins,
Hey, when you're reading this I probably won't be here anymore and god forbid you may have even found me. I just want to start with I'm sorry, I'm really fucking sorry but I can't do this anymore Seth. I can't keep living this life, it just hurts all the time and I try my best to hide this from you because you deserve to be happy, you deserve a good life so I do everything in my power to make sure that I'm not the one hurting your feelings.
Now secondly and you're probably going to hate me for saying this, you're probably going to think I'm a selfish bastard for telling you this before I kill myself, but I love you so fucking much. I love you too much Seth, you've been the thing that has kept me hanging on this long and I'm sorry for loving you but I couldn't not. Tell everyone that I'm sorry for me, tell them that it wasn't their fault and listen to me when I say it's not your fault either.
And finally I want to say goodbye. You've been so good to me, you've been the best friend that I could've ever asked for and I'm sorry that I'm doing this to you. I've thought about doing this so many times and today there were finally more cons that pros, so I know I said all I want you to do is be happy and you're probably upset right now so I'm sorry okay? I'm really really sorry but the pain I felt was too much and I couldn't take it anymore, so I'm saying goodbye.
I wish things could've been different, I wish things could've ended better but I love you Seth, so I'm sorry that you even have to read this. Goodbye x
Rebecca."
The tears fell from my eyes onto the paper as I shoved it back into my pocket. It felt like I was having a panic attack as I tried to breathe steady, my lungs feeling crushed as I desperately gasped for air. Fuck, this isn't the first time that Becky has thought of doing this and she's been really struggling, and she hid it because she wanted me to be happy. She didn't tell me her problems because she wanted me to be happy but I'm not happy. "Becky you're the one who makes me happy and without you I'm broken, I'll never be happy." I stood up from the plastic chair and it fell to the floor, clattering against the far too clean floor.
I ran out of the room, ignoring nurses and doctors as I ran to the bathroom, I pushed into a stall and I locked the door behind me. Trying to somehow regain my breath as I could feel myself turning blue, I tried not to think about the letter but every time I closed my eyes the smudged ink and tear stained paper flashed into my mind. I gasp desperately for air as I wipe away my tears, feeling everything that has happened in the last few hours start to consume me.
Becky tried to kill herself, she didn't want to live anymore and if you asked me if Becky was okay 24 hours earlier I probably would've said 'yeah, of course she's fine. Happiest woman in the company.' But now I think it would be a bit more. 'I don't know, we're getting there I suppose but she's struggling a lot, more than she'll ever let you see.' And that kills me, I just wish she told me. I just wish I could've told her that I was there, I wish she would've just known that she wasn't alone in all this, then maybe she wouldn't have tried to end her life.
But she's still here and she told me not to blame myself so I'm not going to, though I can't help constantly thinking about it, thinking about her and then panicking and not being able to breathe properly. Becky I'm sorry.
Becky
I woke up but I didn't want to open my eyes, I felt the bedsheets beneath my hands, I inhaled the scent of bleach and cleaning products and I knew I was in the hospital. I heard somebody sit down in the chair alongside me and I still couldn't open my eyes as I processed what I'd just done, the regret heavy in my mind.
I don't want to open my eyes because I don't want to face whoever is sitting alongside me because they probably found me, they probably saw me on the floor and now they know I'm struggling. Whoever it was grabbed my arm and they intertwined their hand with mine. I could feel the callouses on their hand and I knew who it was, I knew it was Seth.
I opened my eyes slowly and I turned to him slightly. "Seth." My voice was hoarse and my throat was sore, but his head still snapped up from his phone. "Seth." His eyes were wide as he took me all in, relief heavy behind his eyes. "You really scared me today. I'd really thought that you were gone and the letter, god the letter." His eyes were puffy and his entire face was red. "...i'm sorry..." I whispered and Seth made eye contact with me, shaking his head. "You don't have to be sorry, it's not your fault but I just wished you'd told me." He dragged his hands through his hair, tugging at the ends of it as he tried to hold back his tears. "which part?" His hand was shaking as he pulled out the letter, my letter to him.
"All of it. I want to know if you're struggling Becky because...well because I love you too and I can't, I really can't lose you okay?" A single tear ran down his face and I raised my hand to wipe it away, cupping his cheek as more tears fell from his eyes. "Okay, Seth I'm really struggling and I can't keep struggling anymore." He nodded and he leaned forward in his chair, enveloping me into a hug. "I'm really sorry that you had to find me~" Seth cut me off. "It's over now and I'm glad I did because if I didn't, god I don't even want to think about it." He breathed out and I could hear the shake in his voice. "Thank you." He hugged me a little tighter at that. "No thank you for holding on." He pulled away from the hug but he still kept his arms around me, he leant forward and he pressed a small kiss to my forehead. "I'm going to help you through this, you will get through this Becky. I've been where you are right now and I know how scary it is and how much it feels like this pain will never end but I promise you it will, you've just gotta keep fighting for it."
Seth
She looked up at me with watery eyes. "I don't think I can keep fighting though." I nodded and I pulled her into another hug as the tears began to escape from her own eyes. "I know, that's why I'm going to help you and we can find professionals to help you because I'm not going to lose you to this, not when we've only just confessed our feelings. You've just gotta take things one day at a time, the future is the future so don't stress yourself thinking about it. Just think about the here and the now." I rubbed soothing circles onto her back as she just clung onto me. "I know it's hard and that horrible feeling that you've got right now, with time it will start to disappear and suddenly it'll fade so much that you can't even remember what it feels like. It isn't always going to be like this alright?" She buried her face into my shoulder and her arms dropped around my waist. "All you need to give yourself right now Becky is time because time is a very powerful healer. You're going to get through this, no matter what okay?" She nodded and I sighed. "I'm going to need to hear you say it." She pulled away from the hug this time and she locked eyes with me. "I'm going to get through this." I smiled a little at her as tears ran heavily down both of our faces.
"I should probably get the doctor." I said sniffing and I stood up from Becky's grip. I started to walk away when I felt Becky grab my wrist pulling me back to her, I almost fell onto her but I managed to stop myself, placing my hands either side of Becky's head. "Thank you." She whispered before she closed the small gap between us, placing both of her hands on my cheeks as she kissed me. I immediately kissed back, moving my arms to hold Becky desperate not to ever let her go again. I could taste Becky's tears in my mouth as I kissed her. The kiss was messy but neither of us minded, all we wanted was each other in that moment but we had to break away to get the air back into our lungs. "I'll go get the doctor now." I said breathless and Becky smiled, the tiniest smile but it was still a smile.
This horror is over and now I've got to help her through the recovery and as soon as we're alone again I'm going to promise her that I will be here for every second of this. I'll be there when she needs me and I'll be there when she doesn't and I'm going to tell her that she can talk to me whenever, I don't mind if it's three in the morning or six in the afternoon, if it can stop us ending here again I'll do it for him.
I'm going to be here and we're going to get through this so we can be together, so that we can happy.