Trigger warning ⚠️ this chapter contains subjects that might be heavy to some readers.
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I had a nightmare. I haven't had them for a long time. It was usual for them to emerge during this month. Worse, when I woke up soaked in sweat and hyperventilating, I couldn't remember anything. It was frustrating. I spent the night awake, listening to the same voice in my head, recalling all my problems. I tried to shut it down; it kept going. I tried to ignore it, it kept proposing me a drink, and for God's sake, I am trying to quit. These past months, alcohol has been my relief. I wanted to go through all my tribulations without a drop. I took that decision so promptly, and I wasn't confident I would be able to do it. I needed to be sober to pass those exams. Being the Salutatorian was more important than anything, and I was determined to do it.
I made peace with the unfair decision of not going to my father's memorial. I would stay on Campus during the holiday to take all my tests. I believed that happened for a reason. I was sad I couldn't see my father's grave this year, but who knew what would have happened for I went to New York. The thought of me being alone on campus recoiled me. By the eleventh of the month, everyone would be spending Christmas with their family. How nice to have a family, that's all I wanted. I assumed we don't always get everything we want in life.
Christmas decorations were already lavishing the campus. The dining hall was splendid and Royal with the gold and red expensive and ceremonial ornaments. Classical Christmas music embraced the halls. The fresh smell of nutritious traditional dishes praised our nostrils. Two giant Christmas trees have been up and decorated so far. One in the main courtyard to welcome the Christmas spirit and the second in the center of the dining hall.
The first trimester exams started today. Since we all had seven classes, the examination was separated into three days and one day off before leaving on Friday.
We were all reunited for lunch after taking the first two tests of the day. Xavier was complaining about how he wrongfully answered the most accessible questions. Part of my mind was listening. I was preoccupied with my spoon playing and stirring my strawberry yogurt. He realized I wasn't paying attention; he hit the table harshly, provoking my yogurt to fly everywhere. I apologized for my trance. Usually, he would have cursed me out for ignoring him, but the compassion in his eyesmade me recoil. I hated pity. I haven't told him about the wilderness program yet; only I would spend Christmas here. Alone.
Before he could bring up this subject, I asked him about the newest trends. A burst of laughter enriched the hall. Agea got up from the center table where Julian, Juan, and other students were eating. She said a sentence that sent the boys to another crazy laughter. She took her tray and headed to our table. She sat down and madly put her tray down.
"Don't you hate when your friends are telling embarrassing stories about you? I was a child, and who asked?" She roughly bit into her ham sandwich.
"And I presume the friend is Julian?" I pointed out to the boy, enthusiastically telling his friends a story.
"A dick!" She exclaimed, "So what are your plans for the holiday, guys? We are going to Alaska. It's so lame! I wanted to go to Antarctica to visit Santa's shop and play with penguins, but I guess my parents are afraid of bears or something."
"Eh... you mean Poland?" Xavier interrupted her confusingly.
"What?"
"You mean Poland. This is where Santa's shop is, and they don't have penguins; that will be Antarctica."
"Isn't it the same thing?"
Her seriousness made me choke on my water. I whipped the water coming out of my nostrils as I giggled because of Agea's facial expressions. She was genuinely confused as Xavier explained her basic geography.
"Whatever, everything doesn't make sense." She brushed Xavier off. "Anyway, Xemina, I'm working on this dress, and I wonder if you could give me any ideas since you're the daughter-."
She took her drawing iPad in her purse.
"No," I cut her off. I knew what she was asking, and I haven't looked at a design for ages.
My mother was a fashion icon. I loved watching her sketch. I would even draw some designs myself. I wanted to be her when I was little. She was a body of power, and despite her not being present for me or she didn't even try to be a mother to me, she was my role model. After Dad's death, I buried this passion with her. Hatred for her whole humanity filled my heart. I realized I had given my energy to the wrong person. So my life morphed into following my dad's footsteps. I forbade myself ever to draw or look at a sketch. I was nothing like her. I hated her to death, especially after she was planning to send me away.
I may have responded too rough to Agea. She innocently wanted my insight because of my mother's expertise. However, Agea studied to become a fantastic fashion stylist, and she didn't need my advice. She was doing perfectly.
She didn't retort but put back her iPad in her purse.
"Okay...hum, what are your guy's plans for the holiday?" She averted the subject.
"I'm going to Illinois. I have families on my mother's side waiting for me. And my dad will be there, so yay." He sarcastically rolled his eyes.
They turned and looked at me, waiting for me to tell them something exciting. Xavier knew I wasn't going anywhere but still hoped I changed my mind like I had the choice.
"I'm staying here."
The horror in the blonde girl's face made me rolled my eyes. It sounded scary and miserable, but I'm used to being miserable. What was wrong was the way I was comfortable with being miserable.
The bells rang before they could say much. At the exit, Agea joined her formal group back. Julian and I made eye contact before he put his arms over Agea's shoulder. He broke the heavy stare when he turned around the corner and disappeared.
I avoided him all day. It was apparent why. I kept thinking about what Chris told me, and he might be right. It was this odd feeling of embarrassment. He wanted peace, and I wanted war. He wanted to end this stupidity, and I wanted to continue it. Because this was our destiny, destroy each other and the thought of it changing, scared me. What the future held frightened me.
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Tomorrow was the last day of testing. I was feeling good so far about the exams. Students were already celebrating the end of this trimester. After the bell rang, they were already screaming, dancing, and jumping everywhere. Well, I couldn't celebrate. I was sad for so many reasons; my heart was filled with anger, sadness, and grief. I concentrated on studying for the last day and my other exams to keep my mind occupied.
My townhouse wasn't even safe for me to study because I felt stressed and claustrophobic inside. I decided to hide in the courtyard behind the theater. It was more of a Garden with a small bridge. Since no one came here because of how far and quiet it was, the garden lived to be beautifully cloistered. The snow was resting on the belated brown leaves, the stream sliding under the narrow and wooded bridge.
I stopped admiring my entourage when I saw a boy standing on the bridge, leaning forward and watching the stream. I tiptoed to see who it was. The crisp sound of dry leaf accidentally crushing under my feet caught his attention. He turned around, and to my surprise and disadvantage, it was Julian.
He was wearing a dark hoodie with the hood over his head which explains why I didn't recognize him and ran away before seeing me.
"What are you doing here?" He vaguely asked as he returned his attention to the stream.
"I could ask you the same." I stood up straight. My books closed to my chest.
"I was here first, and from what I know, you never come back there. So what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to study, not that I'm stalking you." I sat down on the bench a few feet from him.
"I wouldn't call that stalking. More like you've been on my dick more than any bitches I ever fucked." He whispered, still focused on the stream.
"Isn't that something you wish?"
He didn't respond to my remark. I opened my book and tried to concentrate on copying my notes, but his presence bothered me. I couldn't focus and felt his eyes on me. I looked up to meet them, but he was still focused on the stream. It made me wonder why I had this strange sensation, and I felt nervous.
I closed the book loudly to get his attention. He didn't completely turn his head but looked at me in the corner of his eyes.
"Could you please move away? I can't concentrate."
He rotated his body and leaned against the wooden barrier, crossed his arms with furrowed eyebrows.
"I thought I was the only one with the audacity. You can't concentrate, move away, yourself."
"I can't. That is the only place that is peaceful enough for me."
"Am I making you nervous?" He smirked.
"Never said that." I looked away.
"Mhh, Yeah."
He started to leave, and I was surprised at how easy that was.
"That's it? You just going to walk away?" I queried.
"Isn't that you wanted? Xemina, I'm not in the mood to argue." He sighed.
"Because you want "peace"?" I mocked him with quotation gestures.
"You want to talk about this subject? So you can call me a liar and slap me?"
"I apologize for slapping you. It wasn't right," I mumbled.
"No, You had every right to do so. I shouldn't bother you."
An awkward silence merged between us. We usually shout at each other, and I was short of an answer to his claim. Curiosity ate me from the inside as I struggled to look at him in the eyes and asked him the questions knocking in my head. I assembled my last embarrassing courage and let the word flow out of my mouth. Fuck it, if he knew, he knew.
"Did you know about the wilderness program?"
He slowly stared at me, and I regretted asking.
"I'm not aware of anything else, just what I told you."
"Of course." I crooned.
If he said I told you so, I swore to God; I would have started swinging.
"I am sorry you have to go through all that."
Were you, though?
"It doesn't matter; I have God on my side."
"God." He scoffed. He tore off a leaf and sent it into the water.
"You don't believe in God?" I gasped.
"I do believe he exists. He is just not present anymore." He bent over the barrier and joined his hands.
"What makes you think God is not present?"
"Have you seen around you?" He broadly opens his arms while rotating. "This world is fucked. There is no such thing as good. Evil lurks in every corner. He abandoned us a long time ago."
"He hasn't abandoned us. You may not see goodness in humanity, but it's present."
"If he hasn't turned his back to us, then why so much pain in this sad little world? He created every inch of this universe, good and bad. Why are we going through so much anguish? You believe in him so much. Why do you have to go through all this?"
"Everything happens for a reason-."
"And that is fucking bullshit." He cut me off. " I want a reason. Give me the reason."
"I don't have the answer for everything but God works-."
"If you say in mysterious ways, so help me, God, I will push you over the bridge." He muttered.
"You're projecting it on me, but you're asking the questions for yourself."
"I just want an answer."
"Okay, fine! I don't know. You have to go through all this, and you will know that reason when it's time. And now all you have to do is letting it go. It could be worse."
"Saying it could be worse is minimizing my trauma. There's no worse than my suffering. It's not your place to tell me to let go when every day I wake up, I ask why I see another day."
"If you don't talk about it and let it go, it will rot your inside, and one day you will not wake up. So do you want to talk about it? And maybe you'll find a better solution to deal with it." I proposed.
I couldn't see his face, but his voice was overflowing with sheer pain. I never heard him sound like that, and I could feel his distress. I decided to put my hate aside, let my curiosity understand his story. After all, we all deserved a chance.
"Fine, let's talk about it. I watched my sister getting raped, I killed someone with my bare hand, and it felt like losing my soul. Every day, a darker force is dragging me to hell. I lost my humanity and went insane. I had to go to London for therapy treatment but got stabbed in the gut and almost bleed to death like a pig. I tried to kill myself a couple of times, I failed. Every night is sleepless because of my nightmares. And this is not something you just let go of! And be thankful it wasn't worse. There's no practical reason for that to happen to my sister and me, and if you can just let it go, then you don't know nothing about pain."
He straightened himself of all his height. I took a step back when his expression changed to his former glacial, emotionless, and frightful impression.
"I am not minimizing your trauma. Every tribulation and trial weigh the shoulder of its master. I cry every night. I'm seventeen, and I can't go to sleep without drinking a bottle. I lost my father. My mother hates me. I've been raped, and everyone I trusted betrayed me. Do not tell me I do not know anything about pain. I'm alone in this world. I am a broken walking glass, and the only thing holding me is letting go and trusting my faith. We will never fully understand each other's pain, but if I can't offer you to have faith, then I can't give you an answer."
Every word shedded my tears. I wiped them away.
"Someone told me God never sorrow without help. He gave us the freedom to chose good and bad. Jake chose to do bad and hurt your sister and you. But he knew you'd be brave enough to protect her, and you'll be able to pull it through. Might consider thinking that's why you wake up every day."
"That's how you see things?"
"If I don't, might as well pass a rope around my neck."
Silence again repossessed the place as we both watch the stream. The winds blew on our faces as I realized we just had a heart-to-heart moment. The thought of that made me freaked out a little bit. That was the first time and the second person in my life. I have been sincere about my feelings, and right now, I may have done a stupid thing telling him all this. Or maybe it would change something between us.
I just told him I drink.
"I'm sorry about what I said."
His deep voice startled me, made him smirked a little.
"Well, isn't it all we do is insulting each other?"
"Yeah." He grimaced.
The bell rang, symbolizing the end of the school day, and I haven't copied any notes. Fortunately, the exam was tomorrow morning.
"Shouldn't you be studying or packing?"
"I'm leaving Friday. Agea already told me you weren't leaving."
"So now what? She's updating you on my life?"
"You befriended my best friend. What did you think would happen?"
"You're just obsessed with me."
"Whatever makes you sleep tonight." He chuckled.
He started to leave me but stopped midway.
"By the way, your secret is safe with me, but drinking will not solve your problems. Good luck on your exams."
He disappeared behind the building. I sat on the bench and ran my hands through my hair. I still couldn't believe we just had a deep conversation. Things were changing so fast, giving me the impression I'm losing control. I was doing the contrary of everything I set my mind to. I wasn't regretful about it, which worried me. The feeling of hatred was dissolving. I couldn't understand the new sensations, but I swore not to let them develop into something worse.
I spent the afternoon studying and copying notes until it was dark. I locked myself into my townhouse, where I spent the night watching Netflix.
So much of an exciting life for the billionaire's daughter.
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Sheesh! What is happening???
Our characters are starting to open up to each other. How do you feel about their conversation? If you are comfortable commenting on it.
What about Agea? What are your feelings towards her?
Don't forget to drink some water ✌︎︎❦