"𝙸𝚝 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝𝚜 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚘𝚔, 𝙸'𝚖 𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚒𝚝."
~~~
𝐒𝐚𝐠𝐞'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕
It was Monday and classes had officially begun. It was obvious by the bustling hallways filled with chatter of students and lively campus. I was glad to say the least. This extra free time was only causing me agony.
My alone time wasn't filled with peace and tranquility as some described it. It was where thoughts ran rapid in my mind of all the things I needed to change about myself.
Things I didn't want to change. But I had to.
After getting home late last night, Vic nearly fainted after revealing I made out with Sinclair. She did faint when I told her I also got his number. That girl is the definition of dramatic.
She insisted we call him the second I got undressed. Could she have sounded any more desperate. I wasn't calling him at all knowing all to well that it would only blow up in my face. The last thing I needed right now was a fling. But that wasn't what was deterring me.
Something was missing last night. Some people call it a spark, a feeling of fulfillment or just plain happiness. I felt neither and I blame my inadequate experience in this field of relationships and love.
I didn't feel that dying connection you were supposed to feel kissing someone for the first time. Is it strange that I wanted my first boyfriend to be my last? What was the point of dating if you didn't see a never ending future with them.
If they weren't the reason you wanted to keep waking up every morning.
I walked into my final class of the day, which was English Honors with Professor Okoye. As everyone took their seats, handed to us was the class syllabus. The packet was heavy in my hand, which made me silently groan.
My eyes traveled across the room in hopes of finding a seat in the middle corner, where I would be close enough to to hear but not where I would be easily noticed. So far I've gotten a few glances and silent squeals from strangers. Nothing too major. I was used to it. But I also wanted school to be my escape.
Scanning the rows one by one, I see Stone sitting in all his hot glory in the very back. I hadn't seen him in two days but I could tell something was noticeably different. He didn't look as put together as he did at the last session or in the car driving back up here.
Something changed.
We barely muttered two words to each other the rest of the way. Instead Kelsey ranted about some new designer clothing coming out in a few weeks that she needed to get her hands on. Finding out those two were related definitely surprised me. They looked nothing alike. Not even a single trait which I found weird.
Today instead of his usual leather jacket a school varsity sweater covered his built body. Next to him was Miles who seemed to be playing a game on his phone, while trying to show an annoyed looking Zach.
They were friends. You could easily tell by Miles closeness and ability to shrug off Zachs rude demeanor. He barely looked at Miles in all these few minutes but never pushed him away. Like he was used to him getting in these moods.
As if he knew someone was staring at him, his eyes glanced up and met mine. His stone cold stare had chills running down my spine. But just like last week I couldn't look away. Miles glances up for a few seconds and after noticing me, he waves wildly insisting I come sit with them.
Definitely not
Clearing my throat and pushing a few strands of hair behind my ear, I nod no and begin heading towards an empty chair in the corner of the room.
When I look back for merely two seconds, Stone is ignoring a couple girls trying to speak with him and Miles' broad smile is gone and replaced with a frown as he opens the syllabus for what it seems to be the first time.
"Good afternoon, I am Professor Okoye and welcome to English Lit. As you can see this class is made up of years because we offer retakes." The short chubby man spoke standing in the front of the rather large auditorium styled class.
"Our class will consist of literature reading, thematic essays, class presentations and lectures from myself. Seats are subject to change as I see fit." Professor Okoye proceeded to talk about the expectations of the class when a light voice startled me.
"Hey." Turning my head to the side abruptly, I see a girl with pink hair waving at me with the brightest smile on her face. She appeared to be latina as I noticed a Dominican Republic flag in the back of her phone case. In her ears, a hearing aid large enough for me to notice.
Why was she so happy?
"I'm such a big fan of you and your work." She beamed with excitement.
I smiled with my lips together and whispered a thank you. So far she was the first person to aproach me. Well I did have a lot less makeup on and my hair was a curly mess instead of straightened like they usually had me do.
"It's Izzy by the way, short for Isabella" she says with a thick accent.
"Nice to meet you." I say, in efforts not to be rude and then I look back up at the professor.
Class ends early today but to everyone surprise we already have an assigned reading from the textbook due in a couple days. Great.
Turning around for a brief moment, I spot an eager Miles headed my way. Behind him is Zach texting furiously on his phone.
"Hey, how come you didn't come sit near us. Zach said you two met a few days ago." Miles said sadly. I look at Zach who's ignoring us then back to Miles before speaking.
"I didn't want to intrude."
"You're definitely not intruding. This one hasn't spoken to me since this morning." He gestured his head to Zach. "Anyway, let's grab lunch together."
"I'm kind of waiting for Vic to get out of class." I say trying to get out of his attempt to hang out.
"Don't worry I texted her, she said she'll meet us there. Zach let's go" he replied leading the way.
Looking back I see Zach smirking at a girl who's staring at him. She bites her lip and he winks back at her. Miles just looks at him with a shocked expression before he turned around, confused.
Typical guy behavior.
I guess that little scene in the hallway wasn't new to him. But it certainly was for me. I pretend not to watch as I walk into a steady pace next to Miles. He then places his heavy arm around my shoulder trudging me along. I crane my neck to the side to see Stones tensed body as he walks behind us.
"That's all you're going to eat," Miles said looking at my salad. He began stuffing his face with two stacked slices of cheese pizza drizzled in ranch.
It looked so good
"Yup" I say, popping my lips. The campus food looked appetizing. Nothing like I was used to eating but I couldn't bring myself to plate any of the foods I really wanted.
"So miss model, how come you didn't tell me you knew my friend Zach here." Miles ask.
"We met a couple of days ago at counseling. I didn't know Kelsey, my agent was his sister."
"You go to counseling?" He looks surprised at the news.
I nod hoping he wouldn't ask why. I didn't want to admit it out loud. That I had flaws.
Zach wasn't even paying attention at this point. There was no food in front of him and he looked like he wanted to throw his phone across the room.
Someone has anger issues.
"Dude what's wrong with you I thought you and-" Miles began.
"Don't- finish that sentence Miles. I'm not in the mood." He grunted lowly.
Before anyone could say anything else, Victoria walks up to the table with a tuna sandwich and bottled water. She looked breathtaking as always, dressed in a fitted white blouse and short floral skirt.
Miles looked at her like a lost puppy before clearing his throat.
"Hey, how was theatre?"
"Not as bad as I thought" glancing between me and Stone she smirks knowingly.
"I'm Victoria and you are..." she says towards Zach.
He instantly lifts his head from his phone and nods.
"It's Zach. I know who you are Victoria, Miles here won't shut up about you." Then he goes back to texting.
Miles glares at him while Vics cheeks go red. It was clear Vic liked him and he did as well. But she was reluctant on dating again, so she shut down his advances.
"I-I don't know what he's talking about. I swear." Miles stammers.
I start laughing a little too loudly at Miles weak attempt to defend himself and everyone at the table stared at me weirdly. I instantly shut up and take a bite out of my very plain tasting salad. Dressing added too many calories and I didn't like croutons.
"Salad again chica? We talked about this." This gets Zach to look up at me for the first time since we sat down.
"Vic-"
"Sorry we'll talk later, okay?" She stops me l, noticing this wasn't the time or place.
"I'm heading to the gym, you coming Miles" Zach questions almost immediately after.
"Nah I'll catch you later though." He answers.
Without another word he glances at me before getting up and leaving.
"The tension." Vic teases elbowing my side with her arm.
"Wha- What are you talking about? He barely looked my way these last twenty minutes." That's all he did during the session. So I was confused. Lost.
"Zach takes time to warm up to people. It's just his personality. He's overall a very good guy. I wouldn't let him around my daughter if otherwise."
"You have a daughter?" Vic questions passively.
"Yes, she's four and a half and the best thing that's ever happened to me" he smiles. I notice he's waiting for Vic's reaction but she stays silent.
"Explains why he was an ass the other week" I say trying to change the subject.
"He's always an ass," Miles laughs.
* * *
The scale under my bed has been touched everyday for the past week. I don't think Vic has noticed but she did pick up on the non stop salads for lunch.
I'm not proud to say it but I was jealous. Jealous that she wasn't going through this horrible stage in my life. She had the money, the face, the body. Vic was in fact the perfect package. I sounded horrible just for thinking all this.
Stepping on the scale it read 142. No, I'm up a pound. My weight was fluctuating a lot. Some days I would barely touch a snack and other days I would binge from being so hungry. Feeling something rise up my throat, I run to the bathroom and empty out today's lunch, which wasn't much anyway.
In some cases I would be glad Vic wasn't home to witness me puking my guts out, but currently I was feeling every emotion my body could muster.
But most of all I was scared. Of what exactly? The unknown I called my life.
When I feel like I'm done emptying the contents of my stomach, my body slumps down next to the toilet and I cradle my head into my arms. The room was spinning and the only way to make it stop was to shut my eyes.
Forever maybe? Was that even an option? Was that what I wanted?
Yes
No
Ten minutes later my forehead is sweaty, I'm a shivering mess, loose curls stuck to my face and my breath reeks of old vomit.
Without realizing it, I fell asleep on the bathroom floor in a pair of old shorts and an oversized tee.
* * *
"Sage, please wake up" I feel a hand shaking my shoulder.
Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I glance around realizing I'm still in fact on the cold tiled floor.
"Shit. I fell asleep."
"What happened? I came home to find vomit in the toilet and you blacked out." She had a worried look on her face as she wiped a cool towel on my forehead. I know this scene brought up old memories for her. I'm such an idiot.
"Guess that salad didn't sit well with my stomach, huh."
"Don't play dumb. I saw the scale in your room."
"I can't do this today" I say trying to get up. A wave of nausea hits me and Vic grabs my arm steadying me before I could fall.
"Sage, I stopped breathing down your neck for a while. But you haven't gotten better. I'm worried you have an eating disorder or body dysmorphia."
"Body what? Vic I know what I look like in the mirror and it's not pretty. I don't have that crap."
"Sage you look beautiful and you can't see that. People would kill to look like you."
Yeah right
"Oh sure. Like you a slim sized ballerina would kill to be my size." I walk away, ending the conversation and slam my bedroom door shut. I can't do it today. I don't want to do it anymore.
After taking the various mirrors around my room down, I start my homework. Vic and I have never fought like this before and I was mad at myself for letting it get that far. This wasn't her fault. It was mine.
As I'm laying stomach up on my bed, my phone lights up with a notification besides me. Dad is calling. I swear to god if Victoria called him.
"Hello. Sage are you there?"
"Hey dad. I didn't realize I picked up your call. What's up" I say with an over enthusiastic voice.
"Great news. The lawyer I found is the best in Jersey and he says we can build a solid case. You should be out of your contract very soon."
"Really? oh my god, thank you so much dad. I love you." I really did. This man has only ever gone above and beyond for me. He wanted me to love what I do and currently I didn't.
Chuckling he replies "I love you too sunshine. How's counseling going? Oh he's calling right now. Talk later."
Smiling like an idiot I get up and begin to dance around my room. As I'm dancing, I start to notice dark black spots blur my vision. I need to eat something.
A knock at my bedroom door startles me and I go to open it. Standing there Vic had a bowl of soup on a tray in her hand while she stared straight into my soul. I didn't deserve her. I recognized it as her family's traditional Vietnamese soup pho. Taking the warm bowl from her, I began to eat it.
"Have you seen the blogs?" Vic said with a straight face clearly still annoyed at me.
"No, what blogs." I hadn't been featured in any news articles or blogs in a while. I was actually glad. My instagram was managed by Kelsey so I barely looked at that. I had no other social media. It was better this way.
"These." She lifts up her phone and I'm shocked at what I see next.
It's a picture of me in a heated make out session with Theo Sinclair. In the picture his hands were all over me and the picture made me look five times my actual weight.
In big bold letters, I whispered to myself the first sentence. "Has Model, Sage Winters left the spotlight to pursue Theo Sinclair?"
My heart sinks all over again.
End of Chapter
We have a lot to unpack here. Things are picking up and fast. Thank you so much for the support <33
QOTD: What is your favorite holiday?
•Christmas
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