hello my lovelies,
I hope you had a great day today and if not, I promise you there will be better times.
This chapter is incredible boring and short but there will be another chapter published in a few hours!
The next chapters are going to be exciting!
Have fun reading and always remember that you are amazing and enough.
I love you, bye.
Amara Thorne
I sit up on the bed and take a deep breath.
Why can't everyone just leave me alone?
Another knock sounds through the room and I head annoyed to the door.
If another person knocks on this fucking door tonight there will end up people dead.
My expression turns into an angry glare when I see my mother standing in front of me.
I notice the guilty and compassionate look on her face when I travel my gaze all over her.
Suddenly she lunges at me and wraps her arms tightly around my body, almost crushing me.
She knows how much I hate this and still she doesn't care. I can tell her all over again but she thinks I am overreacting because it is her right to touch and hug me whenever she wants.
For me it is not just a simple gesture but so much more.
If someone touches me without asking for consent I would normally kill them without a second thought but she is my mother.
„I am so sorry, Amara. ", she whispers, her voice trembling.
I pat her back to signalize her to stop hugging me and that I feel uncomfortable. The first time in my life she lets go off me when I show her to and I look into her bloodstained eyes that are filled with tears.
I can see behind her fake facade.
„If you are doing something on purpose and you would do it again, the apology afterwards does not mean anything. You try to manipulate me to receive my forgiveness, so you are not feeling guilty anymore. If you deceive me like that then at least stand by it and do not act like you would regret going behind my back.", I say, not letting a single face expression show.
I turn away from her and walk towards the glass table that is standing in my room. I sit down on a chair and my mother follows me immediately and takes the seat beside me.
She taps her foot nervously on the floor, showing me her anxiety.
„That is not true. I tried everything I could but there wasn't another option. It is the only way to show the Russians that the alliance is strong. This marriage will protect you.", she says, trying to gain my forgiveness.
„Everything I do is always for you.", she adds, giving me a little smile.
I wish that was true but she would choose everyone over me.
„You do not understand it, do you? I am mad at you for going behind my back and not telling me about it or even anticipated me. I am not angry at you because I have to marry him because I know it is the best option but you just decided something so important for me without even thinking about me. I should have known about the engagement before you planned everything. ", I say, raising my voice.
My whole life is turned upside down and everybody acts like it is not a big deal. The most people only fight for something if they are the ones with the problem.
„Your father said I should not tell you. He didn't think it would be a good idea to let you know about it. ", she replies, while looking at her hands that are lying on her lap.
„Yes, and you have to do what he says? No! This is just another excuse for your behavior! You can make your own decisions. You don't have to do what he fucking tells you to do. "
„You do not understand this because you are not married yet. You must make sacrifices when you want a happy marriage. You have to do things you maybe do not want to do to make your husband happy. He is your priority! ", she says, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.
I am not sure if I should be angry at her right now or just be sorry because she really thinks like this. When a man oppressed everybody is shocked and it is called a tragedy but women feel this way since the human species exists and it is totally normal. It should have never become a tradition to take innocents their rights away.
I would rather die than have the marriage my parents have. How awful must it be to have so less self-worth that you bind yourself to a person for the rest of your life that doesn't see you as more than a toy?
My husband will learn to respect me because I am not afraid to fight and I will bring war to get the respect I deserve.
„No, I will not understand that, even when I am married. I will never be told what to do and no man will ever stand above me. It is only a good marriage if you fight side by side and you are a team. You should never do something that you do not want just to make someone happy who obviously has no respect for you if he thinks he is worth more than you.", I answer, furiously, after quickly standing up from the chair.
"We are a team. and we love each other but it would be disrespectful to say no to his wishes. I have always been taught that my husband's desires are above mine and I will hold onto that. It is the right way.", she replies, also raising her voice, sounding like she would try to convince herself rather than me.
„If you were male we wouldn't have these problems."
Yes mother, I know.
You have made this clear to me my entire life.
„I can do everything that a man can do and much more. I have proved you this a hundred times."
Every fucking person in the Organized crime knows what I am capable of and even if some of them don't want to speak it out loud because they are ashamed for not having as much power as I do, they all admire me and give me a few minutes with them in a room and I have them on their knees for me.
From gang-leaders to presidents they all bagged me for mercy but there are still two people that will never respect me as much as I want them to do.
Grayson and Celeste Thorne
The things they said became my inner voice and the reason for my nightmares.
„I know you do but we live in a world where men have more freedom and options."
„Yes, that's why we have to do something against that. You do not want to stand up for yourself? Good, then this is your decision, but I will not live like this. Yes, I will marry Adriano because I do not see another way but there won't be a single day where I am less worth than him and I will show him that.", I clarify, looking at my mother, while her gaze is on her feet.
For a few moments we both say nothing and there is silence in the room, but then the woman sitting in front of me clears her throat.
"I'll leave you alone now. I actually just came to apologize and tell you that you will be leaving tomorrow in the morning. Adriano will send someone to pick you up and bring you to your new apartment. You and him will need as much time as possible to get along.", she explains, while getting up from the bed and heading to the door.
"What? This must be a joke, right? You cannot tell me that I am getting married to a person I absolutely despise and then not even give me a day to process it.", I say, while letting a humorless laugh out.
"As I said before, we cannot waist any more time. We all have to make sacrifices for this family.", she says, a sad tone in her voice.
"I know.", I answer.
"Wait! When can I say goodbye to father?", I stop her, when she starts to open the door.
She turns around, looking at me, while one hand is still grabbing the doorknob.
"He is already on the way to Mexico to do business there. He will not be back for a few days so you cannot say goodbye anymore. You will see him again when we are meeting with the lawyers for the contracts. Maybe there will be time for a short talk, but I cannot promise."
What the fuck?
He just left without saying goodbye.
I am nothing more than a pawn in his stupid game but why am I even surprised?
There is still one person living in this house who I can always count on.
"Alright, then I guess I will talk to James tomorrow in the morning before I leave the mansion. He does know about me moving out, doesn't he?", I ask.
"Yes, he knows but Amara, he went with your father. He isn't there.", she says and quickly walks out of the room, closing the door behind her.
He also left?
Why?
I lean my back to the door and let myself sink to the floor. I bury my head in my hands, closing my tired eyes.
I want to cry but I cannot.
The last time I cried I was five years old and after that I never let a single tear run down my face. I was always told that it is a sign of weakness and nobody is allowed to see this or my enemies will use this as their advantage.
I believe that if I do not show my true emotions on the outside I won't feel them on the inside.
And now after using this technique for years I cannot cry anymore even if I want to and I feel so empty inside. The only emotion that I have not unlearned is anger and it is so much stronger than before.
I know I should feel sad or hurt but I am just not able to actually experience these emotions.
This is what I always wanted.
I finally feel nothing.
Everyone thinks I am heartless but now I would do anything to feel the pain that I know is still lingering deep inside me.
Will I ever be able to feel any other emotion than hate?
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