24/06/21
Namjoon's 1st Person POV (Seoul)
The past couple months have not been the smoothest. With Sooyoung being in medical school, juggling a side job and taking care of our son, and my rigorous schedule as part of BTS, it's been difficult for us to find time to communicate consistently. Our group has been so focused on our anniversary, creating FESTA content, doing the Muster concerts and creating, releasing and promoting our new English single. Sooyoung has been stressed out with a lot of assignments, projects, and hospital volunteer work, on top of taking on all of the responsibilities of looking after our son. If I could be near, I wish I could take half the parental tasks she has to handle on the daily. I always feel guilty for not being able to help in that way which constantly frustrates me.
Both of us being under a lot of pressure has caused some tumultuous arguments lately which led to us to re-evaluate our relationship.
Sooyoung and I haven't called it quits in terms of being in each other's lives. But, our last argument caused her to want to put a break in us trying to keep a romantic relationship going. She said that she knows I'm trying to be a part of Moonsik's life and she'll allow me to keep communicating with them for his sake. But, mentally, when it comes to us being together, she asked that it be put on hold or for us to really think about what we both really want.
Sooyoung felt like when I came to visit in April, she thought that we might have rushed into the decision of starting something romantic too quickly.
She says she has love for me, but with us both having demanding lives, she feels distracted.
When we had this initial conversation, I asked if there was someone else, to which she quickly answered saying there was absolutely no one and she felt offended that I've come to that conclusion. She reminded me that she just felt so distracted missing me and it was affecting her education.
As for now, we are staying in contact.
I don't want this, but I don't want to lose her again. Whether we are together romantically, or just together to co-parent, I'll take what I can get as long as she's in my life, but I'll prove to her someday that she's the one I want in my life.
I have no fucking doubts about it.
Knock knock knock
I'm so occupied with my thoughts that it took me a while to notice the incessant knocking.
"YES?" I yell out questioningly to whomever is on the other side of my bedroom door. The door slowly opens revealing Jimin.
"Hyung! Taehyung, Serim, Kyungsoon and I are going to go pick up some drinks and snack. Did you want anything?"
"Maybe some soju. Thanks, Jiminie," I smile at him then pick up the book I had dropped on my chest when I got lost in my thoughts earlier.
"Okay, Hyung. Also, if you need to talk to any of us, we are here for you," he flashes me a sympathetic smile.
"Thanks, again. That really means a lot! Anyway, stay safe and make sure not be seen too much," I warn him.
"I know! Serim and Kyungsoon are staying in the car while Taehyung and I buy the snacks and drinks. Anyway, text me if you want anything else!"
"Will do, Jiminie," I say as a I give him a thumbs up.
"Okay! We'll be back, Hyung." Jimin waves and shuts the door.
I constantly remind myself how grateful I am to have the guys as support through this. I can't imagine being without them. It's a crazy thought not having these six men, I consider brothers, in my life.
As much as I wish I didn't have such a demanding profession, I'm thankful to live my dream. Of course, I could live a normal life and freely be with the woman I love and our son who has been growing such a huge place in my heart. But, at least I can financially support them- I know it lessens the stress off Sooyoung. Though, when I first mentioned how I would be helping them financially, she wanted to refuse at first, saying that I didn't have to aid in that way. But, I told her that I missed Moonsik's first five years, and if I can contribute in anyway, such as any of his extracurricular lessons or to put towards his college fund, I insist. When, I put it in that way, she understood that me contributing financially is just one other way to show how much Moonsik actually means to me.
If I could, I'd help Sooyoung with her school tuition, but that's where she draws the line.
I respect how resilient she is.
Fuck, I need to stop thinking about her and get back to my book.
~
25/06/21
Sooyoung's 1st Person POV (New York)
"Hey, what are you up to, Soo?" Lucy says as she enters the dining room and joins me at the table with her laptop.
"You know, just studying my ass off, but my mind has just been such a distraction. I can't focus," I sigh out, looking at her with exhausted eyes, then looking back at my laptop screen.
"Why can't you focus?" She queries.
"Men," I giggle, frustratingly.
"Specifically Namjoon, I'm assuming?" Lucy questions, with a brow raised.
"That's the one," I breathe out, "He messaged me a few minutes ago. It should be morning for him now. He was just seeing how I was doing. I mean he was just on a FaceTime call with Moonsik three hours ago for his bedtime story. But, he keeps messaging and checking up on me. I love it, but it just makes me miss him so fucking much." I place my face in my hands.
"I've never seen you so lovesick, Soo. It's so unlike you!" I look up at Lucy and she's smirking at me.
"Shut up!" I jokingly reply and giggle. "I can't help it. I love the man. I always have"
"Then why did you suggest the break?"
"He's just distracting!" I sigh out.
"Even if you aren't officially together, you still love him. And, whether you like it or not, he'll always be on your mind. I don't get why you wanted to already take a break from having a romantic relationship with him." Lucy is blunt.
"We'll, it's just..." I trail off. I don't want to admit the real reason.
"It's what, Soo?" Lucy looks at me with interrogative eyes.
"Ugh! I'm just scared of getting hurt again!" I blurt out.
"You're hurting yourself if you don't try at all!"
Fuck, she's right. My mind is such a mess.
"I think the distance has been affecting me. But, you're right. I do love him. And, he's proven that he's really trying. Maybe he and I need to have another discussion."
"Maybe you should!" Lucy winks at me.
Well, when Namjoon was on a FaceTime call with Moonsik and I earlier this evening, he had mentioned that his day was going to be extremely busy so, maybe I'll hold off on calling him until tomorrow. I do need to talk to him.
I just haven't been thinking straight. And, Lucy has a point.
I really would be hurting myself yet again if I don't try with Namjoon.
*********
A/N:
This chapter actually aligns perfectly with Chapter 11 of the JK ff, Worthy of an Idol. There's a part in that chapter of that story where JK thinks about how stressed out Namjoon has been and how he hopes that he and the rest of the guys can help him through anything he needs.
🎵Song to check out: 'Our Deal' by Best Coast
Thanks for checking out this chapter! Stay happy and healthy, cuties! ✨
-MissD