So sorry if my chapters are all out of wack everytime I've organized them and get them in the right order, like I look of it 50 times it seems, but when I hit save and check a bunch of them are moved out of place. What the hell are these updates for if they aren't even fixing anything!?
Also I felt like I owed you guys an explanation for my few updates, it isn't just not having internet or being busy but also an issue with my motivation and my anxiety. When I was in highschool I loved writing, I was in honors English and creative writing. What messed me up was arts and humanities, the teacher had gotten one poem published in a book and it put her on a kick. We were always having to write papers and she wouldn't just grade them, she'd go through and mark things and make you rewrite the paper over and over until it was how she wanted it. Like it wasn't just misspellings or punctuation, but she'd count how many times you used a word and if she felt it was to many she'd make you either find a synonym or rewrite the paragraph. She judged based on sentence structure and word patterns as well, and on top of it we had other work to do so it would get stacked up a lot of times. She told me once that she was harder on me because she thought I had potential, and I can appreciate that but... It got to the point I couldn't write anymore because I'd panic of how I was writing, my creative writing teacher and some others noticed because when I'd write for them not only was it entirely different from how it was but my panic over my vocabulary and sentence structure often made me lose my point in obscure information because I was trying too hard out of habit.
I still love writing but now I have to go through and spend a lot of time editing my writing because I feel like I look like an illiterate idiot with a tiny vocabulary and that things are repetitive, like I use Google A LOT just to find synonyms or get help with how to structure my sentences or change how I describe things. As you can imagine that's a lot of work and since I don't always have internet I have to improvise and use screenshots I've taken of these things, and I don't always want to do this stuff as you can imagine and sometimes when I go to edit I open up my novelist app and just end up staring at it because even though I know where to start I just feel mentally drained looking at it but I can't bring myself to publish without editing because when I go back to look at the ones I did post without editing I cringe. Which is why I'm slowly editing and updating them.
Like I'm not looking for attention or pitty I just felt like you guys deserved the honest reason as to why even when I do post it's only one or two here or there.