Cas woke up the next morning with Dean Winchester lying on his chest. Cas had his arms wrapped around him and there legs were intertwined. He loved how right this felt, how Dean seemed to fit perfectly in his embrace, making him feel whole.
Although, Castiel didn't remember how he got here. His head hurt and he was extremely dizzy even though he had not moved.
What happened to me? He wondered.
All Castiel wanted was to be an angel again. He wanted to reunite with his brothers and sisters in Heaven and he wanted his Father to come home. But, strangely enough, he wanted something new as well. Castiel wanted Dean. He wanted to be back in Heaven but at the same time he wanted to stay on earth with Dean. This is how Castiel knew he had gotten too close to the humans, he was at the point where he wouldn't mind staying forever. But if he got his mojo back, he would be able to visit Heaven and carry out at least some of his angelic duties. But the real question was, would that even be allowed? Cas guessed not.
Dean started to stretch and roll off of Cas's chest. Cas smiled down at him as he opened his heavy eyelids.
"Morning," Dean yawned.
"How did you sleep?" Cas asked.
"Like a baby," Dean answered. "How 'bout you? Are you feeling better?"
Castiel puffed out his cheeks and let the air slide out between his lips, unsure how to answer his question. He would not feel better until he had his Grace back, and he feared what may happen to him if it was not returned.
"I am feeling more rested. But I am not feeling any stronger," Cas said.
Dean tried to hide his worry with a smile, but he failed. Cas could see right through him.
"How about some breakfast? I'm sure Sammy is wondering what we're doing."
Cas nodded. "Sure."
As they reached the door, Dean put his hand on his arm.
"Hey, uh, Cas..."
"Yes, Dean?"
"I haven't explained to Sam our, um, relationship yet. So if you could just not say anything for right now-"
"I understand, Dean, do not worry," Cas said, cutting him off.
Dean smiled. "You're amazing, you know that right?"
"You've given me that impression before," Cas answered.
Dean chuckled and they walked out to find Sam. Cas saw him sitting at a table in the library leaning over a book. His hair drooped down, obscuring his face. He really needed a haircut. Sam looked up when he heard them coming.
"Hey," he said. "How're you guys feeling?"
"Better," Dean said. "But I could use some breakfast. Mind if I go whip somethin' up?"
Sam shrugged and Dean walked towards the kitchen. He had gotten really into cooking lately.
"How about you, Cas? What happened last night?" Sam asked.
Castiel sighed and sat down across from him. Sam looked concerned, which he was still getting used to. Cas wasn't accustomed to sympathy, angels don't really excel at the whole "feelings" thing. But humans had so many emotions and so much tragedy and pain in their lives, he was still getting used to it. They had obtained the ability to try to understand and help those going through rough times. Castiel had always watched this from afar but had never actually experienced it until he came to earth again six years ago.
"I'm better than I was. But I am still not functioning satisfactorily. I won't be until I get my Grace back," Cas explained.
"You lost consciousness. Was that normal?" Sam asked.
"I am becoming more human so, yes, I suppose that it was. My body, vessel, whatever this is, was trying to stop my heavenly host from overcompensating itself so it lost consciousness. I guess you could compare it to not eating for a couple of days. I do not have enough Grace to function properly."
Sam nodded trying to understand. He looked more concerned than he had before, and Castiel supposed he had the right to be, they were practically family. Sam would surely mourn for his loss if something were to happen to him.
"Well I guess we need a plan then," Sam said, interrupting Castiel's thoughts.
"For what?"
"To get you your Grace back. I can tell you're not going to last much longer if we don't do something."
"I already tried telling your brother this would be difficult. You would have to communicate with Metatron again, and in my state I can't be too much help," Cas explained.
"We'll figure something out. We always do," Sam assured him.
"Who wants some grub?" Dean asked walking into the room with three plates balanced on his arms.
He slid a plate to Sam, and then one to Cas, and Dean then sat down with one of his own. There was an omelette along with some toast. This was probably the healthiest thing Castiel had seen Dean make. And it looked delicious. Cas took a forkful and then froze.
"Something wrong, Cas?" Dean asked.
"I'm hungry," he answered.
At first Sam and Dean were confused but then the realization hit them. They hadn't even thought twice about Castiel eating being a bad thing. It just goes to show how human Cas already seemed.
"What does this mean, Cas?" Dean asked.
Cas didn't want to look at either of them, so he just stared at his fork instead. He knew exactly what this meant. And he also knew how much danger he was in. This wasn't good.
"It means I'm human," Cas answered. "My Grace is gone. I am a human again."
Dean dropped his fork and Sam just stared at him. Cas felt ashamed. He shouldn't have been using all of that power. He knew he was running low but now he was running on empty. He only had so long until he would become ill. And then he would die.
"Cas, if I have to rip that motherfucker's throat out to get him to give you back your Grace, I'll do it," Dean said.
"I think the days of diplomacy have ended," Sam agreed. "How can we get him down here?"
Cas thought for a moment. He could no longer communicate with his brethren so that option was out. How else could you find an angel?
"We'll have to summon an angel," Cas answered.
***
Sam was rummaging through a room in the bunker, thankful once again that The Men of Letters were so prepared. He had a list of items Cas had written for him in one hand and a bag full of ingredients in the other.
Sam was worried about the angel, well the used-to-be-angel. The way he had gone unconscious last night...
Sam almost felt like the entire ordeal was his fault. He was the reason that Cas had been using up all his Grace lately. First Cas had carted him off to some strange island and then he had to go stash the First Blade to prevent Dean from finding it. After that he had to come back to get Sam and then go to the blood bank so they had blood to cure Dean.
And that was the other thing that had been on Sam's mind lately. He was happy his brother was okay and cured but something seemed off with him. And Sam had a feeling it had something to do with Cas. Last night at dinner, Dean had been wondering where he was, and Sam hadn't given the angel a second thought. Cas was always zipping around and Sam didn't find it odd that he wasn't there. But Dean did. And then, when they found him unconscious, Dean insisted that Cas stay in his room even though they could have lied him on a couch.
Maybe I'm just jealous, Sam thought to himself. But even so, that didn't seem to be the case. What did he have to be jealous about? Dean paying attention to Cas? No, something else had to have happened in the barn that neither of them would mention. Was Cas in more danger than Sam had originally suspected? Was that why Dean was suddenly so protective over him?
Sam finally found the last ingredient and plopped it into the bag. He exited the room to go down to their dungeon where Cas and Dean were setting up the rest of the ritual. He walked in to see Cas on the floor painting some symbols in Enochian, Sam had a feeling he was doing it from memory. Dean was lighting a couple candles and they both turned to him as he walked in.
"Find everything?" Cas asked.
"Yeah. The Men of Letters were prepared for anything," Sam said setting the bag down on the table.
Dean brought over a bowl and set his lighter on the table next to it. Sam started taking out the items and placing them in the bowl, following the recipe. A recipe for summoning an angel. He realized that they hadn't done this is years. It was scary how much times changed.
"Almost ready, Cas?" Dean asked.
"Yes. I'm just finishing one of these symbols," he answered.
He was done a couple seconds later and came over to join Sam and Dean. Sam finished placing the contents into the bowl and picked up the lighter.
"Don't we need holy oil?" Dean asked.
"Oh shit," Sam answered. He had completely forgotten. How would they keep an angel here without it?
"We won't need it," Cas assured them. "Not with the angel we're summoning."
"And who would that be?" Dean asked.
"Hannah."
"Hannah?" Dean said, his voice tainted with jealousy. "Why her?"
"Because she'll help us," Cas answered.
Which was true. Hannah was one of the only angels Cas was always able to rely on. She would want to help once she saw Castiel Graceless. Sam just wondered why Dean seemed to be so... envious of her. What did he care of Hannah and Castiel's relationship?
Sam pushed the thoughts from his mind and flipped the cap off of Dean's lighter and ignited it. He slowly brought the flame down to the contents in the bowl and they were engulfed in flames almost instantaneously. Castiel chanted some words and an angel appeared in front of them. But it didn't look like Hannah. She had darker skin and hair.
"Castiel," she said.
"Hannah," Cas said. "New vessel?"
She looked down at her body and then raised her eyes to him.
"Yes, she was... empty. Like yours is." She paused. "You do not look well," she observed, "why did you summon me here when you could've just called?"
"Because I cannot," Cas answered. "I have lost my Grace."
Hannah frowned and tipped her head to the side.
"So you have called me to ask for my help?" She asked.
"Yes. We need to speak with Metatron."
"More like interrogate him," Dean said and Hannah frowned.
"You will not be allowed to harm him. The last time-"
"Yes, I know, the last time got a bit out of hand," Cas said.
"A bit? Castiel, Dean Winchester almost murdered him. Metatron is a valuable prisoner who must be kept alive. Especially since he is the only one who can get you your Grace back," Hannah said.
Cas nodded. "I understand. Please, Hannah, it won't happen again."
Sam had never heard Castiel sound so desperate. He was practically begging her to see reason. What if Hannah wouldn't help him? What would they do then?
"I'll see what I can do. But one condition," she said.
"Anything," Cas said.
Sam thought he may have agreed too early. What would Hannah want?
"Dean Winchester does not go near him. I will not have what happened the last time reoccur."
"Understood," Cas said.
"I will return," she said.
They heard the flutter of angel wings and she disappeared right before their eyes. Sam glanced at his brother who was clearly upset. His arms were crossed and his face was a bit flushed. Cas, on the other hand, looked more optimistic than he had in days. His eyes were bright and the corners of his mouth were lifted slightly, as if he was attempting a smile.
"So she expects me to just stand by and bring you guys tea and crumpets every hour? What the hell am I gonna do while you guys are grilling him?" Dean said.
"Dean, she's just taking precautions," Sam said.
"The only reason I did that was because I still had the Mark. You guys don't understand how that feels... to not have control over yourself."
Sam felt his expression go slack. Of course he knew what that felt like! Did Dean not remember tricking Sam into letting an angel possess him? Or when he'd gotten possessed by a demon? And Cas knew what it felt like too. After all, Naomi had been controlling him for most of his life. Using him as she wanted and when she wanted. Who knows what the angel had been forced to do. And then he was the vessel for the Leviathans crossing back to earth... that was terrifying. How could Dean say they didn't know what that felt like? Dean must have realized his mistake because he apologized.
"I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated."
Cas nodded. "We know Dean. But Sam and I will be just fine. We'll keep you posted on what's happening."
Hannah returned an hour later with Metatron in her possession. He was blindfolded but seemed to know exactly where he was.
"Hello Winchesters. Are we going to play again?" He said as Castiel grabbed him by the arm.
"Castiel, feeling weak are we?"
Cas didn't answer and Sam walked down to the dungeon with him and Hannah. They had a lot of work ahead of them.
***
Dean wanted to be down there helping. Once and a while he'd hear either Cas or Sam raise their voice, but it didn't sound like they were hurting Metatron. How did they expect him to talk? Dean thought part of the reason was because Hannah had decided to stay and monitor things. She sat across from Dean but he refused to make eye contact with her, although he could feel her eyes piercing through him.
Dean still had a thing about angels. They were dicks, and even Cas could be that way sometimes. But he trusted Cas, he had very good reasons to. But the other angels he could give a rat's ass about. It made Dean wonder why Cas wanted to be one of them again. Would he really leave Dean and go hang out in Heaven? The more Dean thought about it, the more he realized that their relationship was doomed from the start. Maybe that's why he had restrained his feelings for so long. When Dean had kissed Cas in the barn, he feared that the angel didn't feel the same way. There had always been a lot of tension between the two of them.
Whenever Cas was hurting, Dean had the strange desire to reach out and comfort him, pull him into his embrace and just hold him for a while. And when Dean had gone to Purgatory, he'd practically destroyed the place looking for him. And when he thought Cas had died... No. He didn't want to think about that. This was the real reason Cas needed his Grace back. So he wouldn't die. He wasn't meant to be human, no matter how much Dean wished it.
"Are you just going to pretend I'm not here, or are we going to talk," Hannah said, her voice breaking into his thoughts.
Dean sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, finally deciding to meet her eyes. They were a dark brown, almost black color, contrasting perfectly with her caramel skin. Even though Dean had a thing for Cas, he was definitely still able to appreciate beautiful women.
"I don't like you, Hannah. I don't care if Cas trusts you. I don't."
She laughed lightly. "Well I'm glad we got that out of the way, because I don't like you very much either."
"You tried to get Cas to kill me."
"I asked Castiel to avenge an angel's death and you were disposable. I was wrong to abandon him for Metatron, but I thought Tessa deserved justice," Hannah said.
"Why aren't you down there helping them?" Dean asked, ignoring her comment.
He knew he was not disposable. At one point, he and Sam were the two most important people on the planet. And maybe they aren't anymore, but people still needed them. They are hunters and helping people is in the family business.
"I stayed to keep an eye on you. I trust Castiel," she answered.
Dean snorted. "You know when I beat the shit out of Metatron, I still had The Mark of Cain."
"Yes but who says it's not still influencing your actions?"
Dean rolled up his sleeve and held his arm up for her to see.
"You see a Mark? 'Cause I sure don't."
Hannah crossed her arms and scowled, drilling those fiery eyes into his. But Dean didn't blink, he held the eye contact.
"You have always been unpredictable, Dean Winchester."
"I don't like doing what I'm told."
"Exactly," Hannah said. "I don't trust you to not kill him, your soul has too much vengeance for Metatron."
"Are you saying I shouldn't?" Dean asked.
"I'm not saying that at all. He stole many things from you, Dean. I'm not denying that. But he's a valuable prisoner who needs protecting and no matter how much I loath that angel, I can't let anything happen to him. Do you know how frustrating that is?"
He was going through the same thing, wasn't he? And his desire to kill Metatron was much greater than Hannah's.
"I think I have an idea," Dean replied.
"I don't need anymore enemies, Dean. We don't have to like one another but we can at least cooperate."
Right then, Cas and Sam came out of the dungeon. Dean stood to greet them, but Hannah stayed seated.
"Hey, anything?" he asked.
Cas didn't answer and walked past him so Dean looked to his brother who gave a microscopic shake of his head. Dean sighed and walked behind the chair Cas sat down in.
"We'll figure it out," he said, putting his hand on Cas's shoulder. He placed his own hand on top of Dean's. Sam and Hannah gave the two an odd look.
"What?" Dean said.
"Nuthin'" Sam answered, drawing his eyes away.
Dean had to tell him, but not when Hannah was here. How was he even supposed to start that conversation? Hey, Sam, apparently I'm not 100% straight and I'm dating a fallen angel, good talk. That wasn't going to cut it. Dean didn't know why he was so worried about telling his brother. Out of everything they'd done to one another, this was not the thing that would make Sam hate Dean forever.
But Dean didn't say anything to Sam. Instead he sat back down in his chair across from Hannah, who glared at him. She was so predictable she almost seemed like a cliché. Sam cleared his throat, an attempt to clear the obvious tension hanging in the air.
"Sooo," he said, "anyone hungry? I could make us something."
"Sure Sam," Dean answered. "Cas, how 'bout you?"
"I don't feel hungry but I know I need sustenance," Cas answered.
Sam nodded and Dean swallowed a comment. This was not the time for rude jokes, even if Cas wouldn't understand them. Dean watched his brother leave the room and head to the kitchen. Cas was staring blankly at the table and Hannah, in turn, was staring at him. Dean had the temptation to scream, you can't have him, he's mine, but he held his tongue. He didn't want to explain those feelings to an angel, especially one who resented him.
"Hey, maybe we should go and do something. To cheer you up," Dean suggested.
"Like what?" Cas asked, his voice emotionless.
"Uh, I dunno, we could go out... somewhere."
Cas attempted a smile. "That would be nice, but Sam is preparing us dinner."
"Yeah... right," Dean said. "Well, I'm gonna go see if I can help him."
Dean stood, disappointed that Cas was being so distant. He patted him on the shoulder as he passed, trying to show him some kind of support. Dean hated how defeated he looked. He found Sam in the kitchen, who raised an eyebrow when he walked in.
"Here to help?" Sam asked.
"May as well, the mood in there is too fucking somber. I can't watch Cas like that..." Dean trailed off.
"It's hard, man, I know. But we'll figure it out. You trust me to help him, right?"
Dean nodded.
"Good because Cas is like a brother to me. I don't want to lose him just as much as you." Sam paused. "Dean... Is there something you're not telling me? About Cas?"
Dean's heart skipped a beat. He couldn't tell Sam, not now. He wasn't ready. He had to think about what he was going to say first, plan it out. Say it in a way Sam could understand.
"What're you talking about, Sam?" Dean asked.
Sam crossed his arms. He gave Dean the, I know you're lying, look. Shit.
"Whatever it is I need to know, Dean. How bad could it possibly be?"
Really bad, Dean wanted to say. But did he actually feel that way? The honest answer, he didn't. He had been waiting for a feeling like this for a long time, one that he'd never gotten from a bored waitress or a lonely girl at a bar. This was real.
"Sam, I can't talk about this now. Not with her here." Her being Hannah. "Later, okay? Cas deserves to be a part of this too."
Sam shook his head and opened the fridge. He took a plate of frozen hamburger out of the fridge and plopped it on the counter.
"Burgers?" Sam asked him.
"Sure. I'll make the patties," Dean answered.
Sam busied himself making French fries and cutting up vegetables while Dean cooked the patties. Cooking with his brother, this didn't happen too often. The burgers were done in ten minutes, right around the time Sam finished up his part. Dean placed the patties on buns and carried three plates out to the tables. Sam followed him with the condiments.
Hannah and Cas were in deep discussion about Heaven, most of which Dean didn't understand. Cas looked up and smiled when he saw Dean, or when he saw the food. Dean couldn't tell. He placed a plate in front of him and Cas put various condiments on top of the meat. Hannah looked disgusted as she watched Cas take a bite.
"What?" Cas asked with a full mouth of food.
"Manners, Cas, manners," Dean said, handing him a napkin.
"It's just... idiosyncratic, watching you eat," Hannah explained. "I see you only as one of Heaven's greatest, but now you have been diminished to nothing."
"I'll try not to be offended by that," Dean said and Hannah shot him a look.
"You've seen me as a human before, how is this different?" Cas asked, taking another bite.
"It isn't. It's always been strange," she said.
"I couldn't agree more," Dean said taking a bite out of his own burger. "And that's why, right after dinner, you two are going right back in there and cracking him."
"I don't think I can," Cas answered.
Dean turned his whole body to look at him. Cas did not just say that.
"What did you say?"
"We can't do it, Dean. He won't talk."
"You won't know that until you've tried-"
"I have tried, Dean. I have tried for hours with no result. I'm exhausted and frustrated..." Cas didn't finish the sentence. He just took another bite of his burger.
They sat in silence for a while eating with Hannah staring at them. God, she was fucking creepy sometimes.
"Well, I'll go back in," Sam said. He had cleaned his plate.
"I will as well," Hannah said.
Cas looked up at her as she stood.
"Castiel, you have helped me and shown me kindness when I have least deserved it. I want to help you."
"Thank you, Hannah," Cas said.
She nodded. They left the room leaving Dean and Cas alone for the first time all day. Dean tried to think of what he could say. He had never been very good at words. So, why use words? He wondered. He stood up and took Cas's hand, trying to pull him from the table.
"C'mere," Dean said, trying on his most mischievous smile.
"Why?"
"Just c'mere."
Cas stood up and let Dean guide him to his room. Cas raised and eyebrow as Dean gestured for him to enter first. Then, he closed the door behind them.