Summary: When Ethan Ramsey's mother walked out on her family 25 years ago, he promised to never get close enough to anyone that could hurt him. With her return, he's reminded of that vow and wonders if he can risk his heart again.
Ethan Ramsey was five years old when he saw his parents kissing under the mistletoe as "Silent Night" played softly in the background and shadows danced on the wall lit by the flames in the ancient fireplace. His tummy felt funny as if there were butterflies inside, but it was also a nice feeling.
On the mantle hung three large stockings marked with large letters that he was just beginning to learn to read. Mommy had told him the letters represented (whatever that meant) the three of them – A for Alan, L for Louise and E for Ethan. But as his small fingers traced the raised edges before hanging them up, he wondered if there would be a fourth letter next Christmas.
He had asked Santa for a baby brother last year ─ he would grudgingly accept a sister, but really did prefer a brother because girls were gross ─ but hadn't found anything when he'd torn into the neatly wrapped packages under the tree. He had wanted to cry because he thought Santa forgot or maybe he just hadn't received his letter. He knew he should have added more stamps. After all, the North Pole was quite far from where he lived.
So, this year he insisted on adding double the number of stamps, even when Daddy had said it wasn't needed. Just to be safe, he would also whisper his wish to Santa in person when they visited his grotto later that week. As far as Ethan was concerned, when it came to getting a baby brother, one had to be "pur-sis-tent."
He didn't know exactly what that meant, but he'd heard Mommy say that he was like that when he wanted something badly. And he really, really wanted a baby brother so that's what he would do.
He would love his brother just as Mommy and Daddy loved each other and him.
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Ethan was seven years old when he woke from a nightmare. He knew he should be too old to be afraid of the dark, and his friends would surely tease him if they knew, but he was scared of the monsters hiding in the shadows. With tears running down his face, he hugged Teddy, the stuffed bear that had been his friend from before he could remember, and wished his mom was there to hold him.
As if in a dream, the door to his bedroom opened quietly, the light from the hallway casting whoever entered in darkness. He was scared, but only for a minute, as he recognized his mother's scent and saw her tiptoe across the semi-darkness to his bedside.
"Are you afraid, baby?" she asked, wrapping her arms around him as she rocked him gently.
Mommy looked tired and was still wearing the clothes she had on in the morning when she left for work. Ethan didn't know why she was always working, but at least his Daddy was home to play with him.
"I had a bad dream," he sniffed back the tears, feeling safe as her scent embraced him.
"Everything okay, Lou?" Ethan turned as his father stepped inside the room.
"Just a bad dream, Alan," she smiled sweetly up at his dad and Ethan's heart felt full.
He wished that someday someone would smile at him that way. He still thought girls were gross, but maybe not all girls. Annie in his class had the prettiest smile. He liked pulling her pigtails and how she chased him around the playground when he did that.
Ethan burrowed deeper as his father came around the bed and sat down beside him, spreading his arms wide to surround both him and Mommy.
"This calls for a Ramsey Sandwich," his father said, laughing at the old joke. It didn't get funnier with time, but Ethan still couldn't help the giggle that escaped his lips.
He closed his eyes as his mother started to sing, the familiar lullaby slowly putting him to sleep, the monsters and bad dreams forgotten.
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Ethan was eleven years old when he saw his father cry for the first time. And all because he'd loved with all his heart only to be betrayed by the one person who had promised to be there, through good times and bad.
It was a perfect Saturday afternoon and he'd been playing basketball with his best friend, Tommy and some of the boys in the neighborhood when his mom called him over to tell him she was heading to the grocery store.
She was wearing the yellow dress she often wore on weekends. When he got close enough, she hugged him tightly and told him how much she loved him before kissing his forehead.
Embarrassed because he knew his friends were watching ─ he could already hear Tommy making gagging sounds ─ Ethan pulled away.
"Mom!" he wiped his forehead, giving her an aggrieved look as he thought of how his friends would roast him.
But she only laughed, tousling his hair before getting in the car and backing out of the driveway slowly. He waved back as his mom smiled at him before driving away towards the stop sign at the end of street.
"Hey, Ramsey," called out Tommy. "You ready to play or do you need Mommy to hold your hand?"
"Asshole," said Ethan without heat, shoving his friend and laughing when Tommy pushed back. "Are you ready to play or you want to yank my chain some more?"
Several hours later, sweaty and dirty from the roughhousing they'd done after the game, Ethan walked into the kitchen and wondered when his mom would be back with groceries.
Opening the fridge, he rooted around for something to eat, taking out the last of the bologna, cheese and pickles he found in the nearly empty shelves.
Half an hour later, he'd devoured three sandwiches and finished two cans of Coke. He quickly got rid of the evidence before his mom got home as he was only allowed one can a week and he'd already reached the limit yesterday.
He had just returned from disposing of the offending cans in Mrs. Giraldi's trashcan when his dad's car pulled into the driveway.
"Hi, Son. How was your day?"
"It was alright," said Ethan, folding his arms across his chest. It was something he'd seen the cool kids do and had wanted to try it ever since.
"Played some hoops with the gang. I got three slam dunks," he finished, puffing up with pride, nonchalance forgotten in his excitement.
"That's wonderful! With how tall you are already you could be playing in the NBA in a few years."
"Nah," said Ethan as he walked inside the house ahead of his father. "I'm gonna be a detective and solve crimes like the guys on Law & Order."
"Well, you've certainly got the curiosity and tenacity down pat." His father smiled at him, putting away his jacket before heading to the kitchen sink to wash his hands. "Where's your mom?"
"Out," Ethan jumped onto the kitchen counter wondering if he could persuade his dad to grill some steak. "She went to the grocery store a few hours ago."
"A few hours ago?" asked his father, a frown on his face as he dried his hands on a kitchen towel.
Later, he watched helplessly as his dad called around to friends and neighbors for any clue as to where his wife could be; tears slowly trickling down a face lined with worry as the hour grew late.
Convinced that something bad had happened, his dad told him to get in the car and they drove to the grocery store, looking for his mom's car in the near-empty parking lot. His father parked the car near the entrance, switching off the engine before turning in his seat to face Ethan.
"I'm just going to check inside in case someone saw her or knows what happened. Lock the doors and stay alert."
"Sure, dad," said Ethan, nerves forcing him to lace and unlace his fingers.
He had never seen his father this way before and he was afraid. Of what? He couldn't say. He had certainly seen enough episodes of cop shows on TV to know that bad things happened to random people all the time.
Four days later, Ethan Ramsey learned that hate was as powerful an emotion as love. He had spent the last 48 hours with a babysitter ─ not that he needed one, but the state of Rhode Island had strange rules about not leaving an 11-year-old alone overnight ─ while his father went searching for his mom.
The police had told them that they couldn't do anything for 48 hours, exactly like what the cops would say on TV. Rather than wait, his father called in favors to swap his shifts at work, hired Mrs. Giraldi's niece to look after Ethan, and marked stops on a map of everywhere he could think of that his mom could have gone.
He came home tired and weary, his clothes wrinkled from sleeping in the car, and his eyes full of grief. When the police arrived the next morning, he'd seen hope on his father's face before it was wiped away as one of the patrolmen said that he had been dumped while the other laughed at the tears gathering in his father's eyes.
Ethan rushed them out of their home, slamming the door behind them before leading his desolate father to the worn-down couch. That night, and for several nights after, he heard his father wailing through the thin walls of the old house and resentment built.
Ethan couldn't figure out why his father still loved his mom; no, not mom but Louise, he thought. She was no longer his mother.
The woman had walked away as if they meant nothing, like he meant nothing. At that moment, he hated her for breaking up their perfect little family and he hated his father for holding on to the memory of a love that was never real.
"I will never let that be me," he muttered in the dark room, covering his ears with a pillow to block out the sound of grief. "Never."
And the vow was made.
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Dr. Ethan Ramsey was known for being occasionally grumpy and sometimes indifferent to everyone but his patients, for knocking down a peg rivals and contemporaries when he didn't agree with them, and for reducing interns to a bundle of nerves ─ well, all except one intern, they whispered in the hallways.
But lately, he had been smiling more than usual and the nurses, especially those that had a crush on him, were hard-pressed to uncover the reason for this change.
Some people said that he was dating that former intern and now junior fellow on the Diagnostics team, Dr. Valentine. She always had a sweet smile and a kind word for everyone she met.
Others thought that was pure conjecture as someone as nice as her wouldn't be attracted to Dr. Terminator (everyone had heard her call him that once and the name had stuck), no matter how handsome he was.
Besides, he was a stickler for rules and wouldn't dating a subordinate go against that? Not really, they said, as Dr. Valentine was now his peer on the Diagnostics Team and there wasn't anything in the employee handbook about not dating colleagues.
Ethan ignored the whispers that followed him, focusing instead on his patients, the medical mysteries presented to the Diagnostics team, and Cassie. Not necessarily in that order.
But, if he did pay attention to the gossip mill, he would agree that he felt happier than he had in a long time, maybe even forever. Except for one wrinkle.
They had just finished a team meeting when his phone buzzed. He sighed when he saw his father's name on the screen before declining the call. He fully recognized that he was only delaying the inevitable, but he wasn't ready to have the conversation about Louise or her sudden interest in the family she'd thrown away.
"Is everything okay between you and your dad?" asked Cassie.
She was watching him closely, her green eyes alight with curiosity. Something else they had in common along with their shared love of medicine.
"He says my mother reached out again, wanting to see me. And he thinks I should." Frustration and anger leaked out despite his best effort to control both. "It's infuriating. She's essentially making me hurt my father when I say no. She won't stop."
"I wish he would realize that this isn't genuine, her coming back out of nowhere," he continued when Cassie stayed silent. "She wants something. I know it."
"How can you be sure?"
"There's a rational reason for everything, Cassie."
"If we're being rational...why not get a little more information?" she mused, lightly tapping her finger against her lips as she did when deep in thought. "Do you know where she's staying?"
And that's how Ethan found himself waiting in the car in a rough part of South Boston while rain fell down in heavy sheets, hiding him from view of anyone entering or exiting the corner store where Cassie had followed Louise.
His fingers nervously tapped against the steering wheel as memories flickered in his mind. He hated talking about that time in his life, but Cassie deserved to know what happened, even if he had abbreviated the telling.
Her family was perfect. Her parents were together and...perfect. He couldn't think of any other word to describe the bond he saw between them. Meanwhile, his family was broken. His father had tried his best as a single parent, but Ethan had had to grow up quickly, supporting a parent who still grieved for what could have been.
Ethan had felt the old resentment rise as he told Cassie of how he couldn't understand why his father could still want a chance of reconciliation with Louise. How could he forgive her so easily?
"Because it's not always easy to fall out of love with someone," she had replied, her voice laced with sympathy and understanding.
He had scoffed at that, but now as he waited for her to return, he understood what she was trying to tell him.
If Cassie left him, would he just fall out of love with her or would he always mourn the loss of what they could have been? He felt a million emotions run through him at the thought of losing her, and then he remembered the vow he had made that night twenty-five years ago.
Before he could ponder that further, the passenger door opened and Cassie dived into the seat, clothes soaked from the rain.
"Jesus," he croaked as his body jumped in surprise.
"You didn't see me coming?"
"I can't see anything in all this rain," he replied as she adjusted the air vents to direct more heat her way. "How did it go?"
He tried not to react when Cassie relayed her conversation with Louise, but a part of him couldn't help feeling wistful as she told him that his mom was proud of him. He heard himself say something nonsensical before starting the car.
Overcome with emotion, he reached for Cassie's hand. Tenderly lacing his fingers through hers, his heart beat a little faster as they exchanged a shy smile, and he held her hand tight all the way back to Edenbrook.
This might be the last time, he thought, and he wanted to imprint the memory in his brain.
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Ethan knew he was being a coward when he ignored Cassie's calls or when he quickly left the office after every team meeting when it was clear that she wanted to talk. He needed more time to get his thoughts and emotions in order. But his heart cracked just a little every time he walked away from the hurt in her eyes.
Every time he saw her, he remembered his vow to never let anyone in that could break his heart. And she was the one person who could. The single soul on this planet – his mate – who could turn him into an empty husk, forever grieving a lost love, one so pure that he wondered how someone as broken as him could have ever found it.
Frustrated with himself and with the whole situation with his mother, he sat in the dark wanting the one woman who could make everything better, but not knowing how to reach out when that stupid vow kept rearing its ugly head.
With love came the possibility of heartbreak and he wasn't sure that he was strong enough to survive it. His father hadn't. Like father, like son.
But, he thought as the scotch burned down his throat, he knew with even greater certainty that he wasn't strong enough to survive a life without her, and more importantly he didn't want to. It was time to stop running.
Feeling lightheaded, and maybe a little drunk, he called a rideshare service and went downstairs to wait for his driver. The cool night air helped clear his fuzzy head, but only a little.
Cassie wasn't Louise. And he wasn't his father. And it was up to him to break the cycle. He loved her, and she loved him. Everything between them was...perfect.
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Sienna had just switched off the kitchen light when someone knocked on the door. Wondering why anyone could possibly be visiting at that late hour, she almost ignored it. But the second knock was more forceful, and she hurried to flip the locks, checking the peephole before unlatching the security chain.
"Dr. Ramsey? What are you doing here?" she asked, surprise evident in the way her eyes grew big as she took in his disheveled clothes and the smell of whiskey wafting off his skin.
"I need Cassie," he said a little too loud, his voice echoing down the empty corridor.
"Shush. You'll wake the neighbors."
She quickly pulled him inside, locking the door behind them. He leaned against the wall, groaning as he held his head between his hands, hoping to prevent it from falling off after the sudden movement.
Sienna, who had spent a couple of hours trying unsuccessfully to cheer up a morose roommate, felt sympathy for the horrible hangover he must be feeling while also slightly rejoicing in the fact that he deserved it for how he had treated her best friend.
"Ethan?"
Sienna looked over her shoulder when she heard Cassie's shocked whisper.
Her friend stood motionless in the hallway near the kitchen, her face betraying disbelief as she watched her normally "fully in control of himself" other half slide down the wall to sit on the floor while simultaneously twisting towards her voice as if it was a homing beacon.
"Cassie? I wished for you and there you are." His words slurred from weariness or alcohol, or likely both thought Sienna, walking away to give the couple some privacy.
She stopped midway, touching Cassie's arm in comfort as her friend tried to hold back tears.
"Go to him," she said quietly. "He loves you or he would never let himself lose control this way."
Cassie waited as Sienna softly closed her bedroom door. Then she was alone with Ethan and yet she stayed standing where she was.
She was hurt, dammit, and once again he was the cause. Every time they got close, he pushed her away and she was so fucking tired of it.
But seeing him like this, so different from the Ethan she knew or even the Dr. Ramsey she had met on her first day, she felt sympathy, pity, and yes, love for him, well up inside her. She must be a sucker for punishment because she kept coming back for more.
"I'm sorry." His gruff voice broke through her thoughts.
"For what, exactly?" she asked, folding her arms as she looked down at him, the distance between them feeling wider than ever before.
"For being a fucking coward. Pushing you away because I thought if I left you before you left me it would hurt less," he paused, his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, never wavering from hers. "But it hurts just as much, or maybe more, because I did this to myself, to us."
"I'm so angry, Cassie," he admitted. "Seeing Louise, remembering my dad the way he was when she left...it's just so messed up. I'm so messed up."
"I'm tired, Ethan," she sighed as his words hit home. "I've told you and shown you again and again that you're my forevermore. But if I'm not yours, then let us go and move on with your life."
She finally walked towards him, kneeling down to place her hands on his. Tears ran down his face as he laced their fingers together before bringing their enjoined hands to his lips. "I don't know how," he whispered.
"I heard what you said when we talked about your mom that day in the car. I understand why you're angry. But Ethan," she paused. "Loving someone who doesn't want to love you back is the worst kind of pain. So, answer me truthfully because I'll know if you lie."
She kept her eyes steady as he gazed into hers, green meeting blue, no prevarication, no artifice. "Do you want to be in love with me? Can you let yourself be in love with me? Do you even want us?"
"I do. I can. I've never wanted anything more, and after these last few days I know that I never will." With each word, his voice grew stronger with conviction.
"I made a vow to myself when I was eleven that I would never let myself be hurt by love again. But, Cassie," he tightened his grip when she tried to pull her hands from his. "That was a promise made by a young boy who'd seen his entire world shatter in the blink of an eye. Now, I make a vow to you, as a man who can forgive the boy for words said in grief and anger and who knows that the world is bigger than one moment, that he'll never be afraid to love you. You are my forevermore."
"It's about time, Dr. Ramsey," said Cassie, smiling through the tears running down her face. He gently wiped them away before gently capturing her lips in his, whisper soft, an affirmation of the vow.
"Now, come on," she said, helping him off the floor. "You need a shower because you smell like the inside of a whiskey barrel. While you do that, I'll put together Dr. Valentine's Miracle Hangover Cure."
"Whose cactus are you planning to butcher today?" he teased, feeling lighter than he had in days.
"Trust the professional, Ramsey." She playfully pushed him in the direction of the bathroom, grabbing a towel from the linen closet along the way. "I'll have everything ready by the time you're done."
"Can't wait," he mocked a quick salute before shutting the door in her face.
Smiling, Cassie walked into the kitchen, grabbing the necessary ingredients for the nasty but effective beverage. She sliced the cactus she kept on the counter, laughing as she remembered the first time that she had made the cure for Ethan.
"You have the cold heart of a surgeon," he smirked. "And the knife technique to boot."
Well, she had never claimed to being a surgeon and anyway, it was just a cactus. Although the way Ethan had winced, she might as well have killed his most prized possession. The man could be a real drama queen.
As the blender did its magic, she thought that they likely hadn't seen the last of Louise if the conversation she heard Ethan's mother have on the phone was anything to go by.
And she herself would need patience because he still had a lifetime of hurt and anger pent up inside and it wouldn't just disappear overnight. But they would deal with it together. She was more certain of that now than she had ever been before.