It was one of the nights Evan couldn't sleep. His mom would probably say hormones were to blame and he should get used to it since he was in puberty. It was one of her favourite explanations for all his problems. The first was of course that his phone was responsible for that as he was looking at it too often.
Every time Evan heard one of these reasons, he thought of a third - that even though his mom was a wolf, she spent too much time on internet counselling. Seriously she always told him that a good run would solve every wolf problem, but paradoxically she was looking for solutions online.
Evan couldn't blame her though, as he had been spending a lot of time on the internet lately, too. Specifically in an incognito mode. He couldn't even count how many quizzes he took to find out his sexual orientation. However, he never got to the end, as his subconscious mind chimed in with the remark that no straight man would even open such a quiz.
And just as he was constantly thinking online, he was also thinking at a time when he should have been asleep long ago. His mind was like the sea, full of elusive fish, mermaids that no one knew if they were just a figment of his imagination, and shipwrecks that represented his childhood dreams. The only thing that was missing was a beacon that would direct him to the right path.
His mind was a mess. He had lots of thoughts that just didn't want to reach his tongue. Not like he was ready to talk about them, anyway. He even thought about buying a journal to write down his thoughts, but he was too afraid of someone finding it. The papers remained empty, his head was full, and the only person who could solve it was irretrievably gone from his life. He felt pathetic.
Evan knew what happened. Ever since his first vision, he felt like he was slowly losing himself. He couldn't stop thinking about everything. About his wolf, about himself, about him. He knew that wolves accepted their other halves no matter what. They were built this way – searching for the second part of their souls until they found them and protected them with their lives. He understood that. At least, he thought he did.
Being a wolf was just something else. Sometimes he hated it. Sometimes he wished he was human more than anything else. In those moments, he blamed himself for all the petty wishes he had passed over the candles on his birthday cake. None of them made him happy. They were just empty words. The worst part was that Evan couldn't even think of the words to make it all right. As if his original life was irretrievably gone. He was no longer the same Evan he had been in the beginning, and he didn't know if his mate was even to blame.
He sighed again as he did at least a hundred times since he had laid down.
"It's all Angie's fault." And it was, kinda. She told him something he just couldn't get out of his system.
"I don't understand what's the problem here," she said to him. They were just sitting on their favourite bench away from the rest of the pack, but still close enough to be in wolf territory.
"The fact that I'm apparently designed to be someone's housewife?" Evan spat out the answer in frustration. He knew it wasn't entirely true, but he didn't want to let all his emotions out. Not in front of Angie. Not now.
"So that's the problem? You don't wanna bottom?" she laughed at him like it was the funniest thing she'd heard that day.
"Ew, gross. I'm not talking about sex." He shuddered. Not that he was uncomfortable with the idea, but he didn't sympathize with it either. Sex was the last thing he wanted to think about right now.
"Okay, okay, not how it sounded before but okay." Angie didn't look convinced, but she could see in him that right now he didn't need persuasion, but support and she was ready to give it to him. After all, he had been her best friend for as long as she could remember.
Evan sighed. Not only was he confusing, but so were his explanations. Not that he could blame Angie's lack of comprehension, since all his confessions so far had been half-truths. He was glad he could rely on her, and at the same time, he mentally blamed himself for not being able to confide in her about his fears.
"I'm not alpha, nor beta, or anyone really important to pack. And I'm fine with that cause I couldn't care less about running the pack, but still... What if he is? What if his big dream is to be someone to protect the pack no matter what? Everyone would just assume he is the big bad manly wolf in charge, and I am someone who has trouble obeying." Evan voiced one of his biggest concerns. He never saw his relationship with the pack as a problem until he started thinking about his mate. He knew at a young age that he didn't want to live as part of a pack forever, but he had no idea what his mate would think about it, and that scared him shitless.
"No one would expect you to obey someone, trust me," Angie assured him before continuing, "so you're scared that people would think you're feminine?"
Their pack didn't have many women who were fighters, so at first glance, it looked like women were weaker than men. Evan knew that wasn't true, but he was still afraid that someone would compare him to them. He wasn't a woman, and he wasn't weak, he was a werewolf after all, but who knows what his pack would say if they knew he was questioning his orientation. He did not want to be perceived as feminine.
"Something like that, I guess? I just don't wanna be someone's chihuahua in a purse. Like they are scary but still size you can fit in a purse," he admitted.
Of course, Angie started to laugh almost hysterically.
"That's not funny!"
"You literally compared yourself to a chihuahua, it's hilarious!"
"I hate you," he muttered.
He didn't mean it, but at that moment he would have given anything for his friend to stop laughing. He couldn't help that his comparisons sometimes sounded more funny than accurate.
"No, you don't. And since I'm your greatest friend, let me tell you what I think." She finally stopped howling.
"Alright?" It was more of a question than an answer thanks to his uncertain voice.
"I know that our pack is kinda traditional and old-fashioned and you and me – well, we are not, we like being modern teenagers and do shit humans do, but we still are part of this pack. It's not like we have a choice. At least I don't. I totally love my family and I would probably die without my mom's cooking. The thing is – you and your mate are going to be equal. They can't just expect you to completely change yourself for them. You share souls, remember? So they must understand you. And the same goes for you. You'll be fine, whoever it is. I promise." Her words reminded him of a similar promise made to him by an equally important person. At the same time, Evan was grateful for her choice of pronouns. She didn't say her, like everyone he had ever spoken to, and that strangely warmed his heart. It gave him hope that her words would be true and that no matter what happened, she would always be by his side.
"And you're definitely Jacob from Twilight, not from Vampire Sucks," she added.
"Huh?" Never mind, her comparisons were just as terrible as his. Maybe that's why they were such a good team.
Evan knew she made a point. But even after that conversation he still felt like he was losing part of himself. He just didn't know which one. He believed in the supernatural – he was a supernatural creature himself after all. He believed that wolves needed their packs, and the bond could possibly be compared to one that families share, but at the same time, he thought that wolves could be just as happy among humans. After all, humans themselves were happy and did not need anything supernatural for that.
One thing Evan wasn't sure about was fate. His parents were mates, and his grandparents were too. They were each other's other halves and they really looked like they were made for each other. The thing was, they also put their hearts and souls into their pack. Evan didn't want that. He wanted to see the world, he wanted to have options, and he was scared his mate wouldn't give him any. He knew he shouldn't think like that, but somehow, he supposed things might be easier if his mate was a female – like she might not be more powerful like him or beat the shit out of him if he decided he wanted to leave his pack behind.
He just wanted to be able to feel like himself when he would find them. But now... It looked more as if he couldn't even sleep until he did find them.
Ironic, wasn't it? Maybe he really needed to confide in someone before his thoughts ate him alive.