My chest felt heavy and deathly still, as Drak and I watched Jamie devour blood like a ravenous beast. I had been told all the injured turned had been like this to greater or lesser degrees, confused and angry, and above all, starving to the point of near madness.
It was likely a combination of the energy it took to heal their injuries and pure shock at waking up without their humanity.
The idea made me sick. It was like Drak and I had become our sires, turning humans for our own purposes. I had pushed away my dislike of the process for the sake of necessity, but apparently still the inconvenient sentimentality lingered.
And under my dismay I was so thankful that Drak had saved him for me, even if he hated me again. The words he had thrown at me hurt, all the more for the fact that some of them were true. Perhaps I could no longer find it amusing as I had in the past, but I surprisingly even more enjoyed its absence. Still, I could deal with his hate if I could have nothing else...
Jamie had nearly drunk all the bags present, and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon. "Drak, go and get the guards to get more," I instructed.
"No. You go."
I scowled. Drak was being irritatingly assertive lately, and as much as I wanted to argue I would take the escape while I could. I cared for Jamie, but I was conflicted in my pain. I did not know what to do with him now.
I fled from the room. Drak was his sire, that made him his responsibility.
Instructing the guards to fetch more blood, I walked out to my favoured balcony. The sky had long since grown dark, and the stars were in the sky as they ever were, but it was like the world had shifted and taken me with it.
The feeling that I was unaffected by the flow of time no longer clung to me. I had brought myself to this strange state where I was at the pinnacle of change, and everything was crumbling all around me.
But, it was not like me to question myself, and it was time to move forward. At least Jamie was not completely dead, and perhaps a part of the human I adored remained. More urgently, I still had Ivan and the other councillors to deal with before I was done. The vampiric world needed to be destroyed before it could be remade anew. After that I could deal with whatever problems arose from a newly vampiric Jamie.
For now, I could set aside the details and simply revel in the coming chaos.
I went to the kitchen and indulged in my second favourite drink, mixed with my first favourite, although not consumed through my favoured delivery system. Like my fledglings and the other vampires who had joined my cause, I was being forced to rely on bagged blood more and more. It was necessary, with higher demand, to adhere to the blood donating schedule more closely, although this main base was being supplemented by blood from other locations due to the unprecedented concentration of vampires. I did not want any of my essential humans to be too drained, and almost all were essential at this time, either as fighters or support.
My favourite essential human...
I shook my head, as if I could clear out the intrusive confusion with such a simple movement. I did not know what to do with him now, and my thoughts ever worried about how he was reacting. The change had clearly gone far better when it was healthy humans who accepted what they were getting into, not people yanked back from the edge between life and death.
No wonder he had taken it so badly. I could not blame him for his rage. When I had finally understood what my sire had done to me, I had been full of fury myself, although it had quickly died as I had accepted my circumstances. I had not bore all of Jamie's preconceived ideas about the vampiric state.
Perhaps there was nothing I could do with him. And unfortunately, I could not even go back to my own chambers to hide from the problem, because he very well was probably still there, gouging himself on enough blood to feel some semblance of humanity again. Poor Jamie.
And here I was thinking of him again, although I had tried to turn my mind away. Was this what Leif's life with me was like? How amusingly troublesome.
Draining my cup, I poured more and I quickly got to my feet and wandered back to the eastern balcony. Looking out into the dark distance beyond the walls, I missed wandering the wilds without restriction when I was in a mood like this. We had vampire patrols on the borders now, as well as humans watching for any signs of our enemies through technological means, but there was still the possibility that someone could get through.
I could distract myself better than this. I looked out at the yard. A couple of groups composed of vampires were training and my mind flashed to images of Jamie sparring. On the walls, there were vampiric guards stationed, looking out through the darkness of the night for any possible threats, and of course I remembered my encounter with him at the gates.
I just could not escape him. We were all terribly secure considering that the council might attack us at any time, and also terribly trapped. I was stuck in my own home with my beloved angry obsession and even my memories were working against me.
I wanted to go and find him, but would my presence only make everything worse? He was clearly furious at me, at least in part with good reason. Everything I had done was well justified, or at least I could pretend that it was, but I could understand why he would still harbour resentment.
More concerning was how Jamie was going to survive now that he hated what he had become. Drak's assurance that Jamie did not have to be trapped into this life was no reassurance at all, because that was a terrible end.
Perhaps I should not avoid him at all, force him to use his courage and determination to look at the truth of what he had become. This was a cold half life, an unlife, but we could still influence events, as I had set myself to do. We had both already changed the world, for better or ill, and we could keep doing that as long as we had movement and minds.
I did not want him to give up and die, and so I would have to convince him it was worth enduring.
Finding Jamie was difficult, and that bothered me. When he had been human, it had been easier. I checked my chambers with no luck, before heading to the common areas only to find seemingly every vampire but him.
Then I found Drak sitting alone in the empty small dining room, drinking a glass of dreadfully cold blood. I ignored my distaste at his beverage choice and noted that Jamie was nowhere to be seen.
"You let him go off on his own?" I asked him, trying not to sound accusatory.
Drak met my eyes. "Why not? He's calmed down."
"And he's in a new and volatile state—"
"And he'll be fine."
"But—"
"And I'm fairly certain he does not need you to replace his mother, so let him be."
I scowled at that. "Of course he doesn't need me to do that, but he's new to—"
"He is, and he's determined. You don't need to worry."
"I am absolutely not worrying."
He shot me an irritatingly doubtful expression.
"I'm not. I just know how hard it is to adapt."
"And he's extremely adaptable. He'll be fine, even if it's hard for him. He's a survivor. You know him."
"I do," I agreed. He had been a remarkable human, and he had the potential to be a nearly unstoppable vampire. Perhaps it would be fine, once he managed to acclimate to his new circumstances.
"And he'll come to you when he's ready."
"Why do you think that?" I asked.
Drak raised one of those perfectly groomed eyebrows. As always, he looked ridiculously handsome, as if he had just stepped off of a golden age movie set. "You enslaved and tormented him and then he willingly came back to you after all that."
"He obviously likes my lovely rebellion."
"Not to mention that the two of you are engaging in a less than discreet affair."
I gasped as if Drak had crossed a line he should not have crossed. "What makes you say that?" I had been as discreet as having a home filled with people allowed.
"How do you think? You're the one who dramatically complains that everyone talks about you."
"Yes, complains. It's most troublesome, but I suppose I am a wonderful topic of conversation."
"And you love being the topic of conversation."
He was being irritating again and I was hardly going to play defensive. "Enough about me and Jamie, what about you and Whitmore?"
It was his turn to look uncomfortable. "What about me and Whitmore?"
"When did you and she get together? I would not have imagined that if I had not sussed it out myself."
"Well, you are imagining—"
"How does that relationship work? She's so stern, and you're so...you..." I pretended to ponder something horrible.
He sighed. "Fine, stop digging, Alice and I are together...occasionally."
"Oh? When did that start?"
"Oh, I don't know. Decades ago."
"And you didn't tell me!"
"She didn't want anyone to know."
"What? Rude, how dare she treat you like that?"
"How dare she treat me like...you do?"
I rolled my eyes at him again. "I'm different. It was for political expediency and, I might remind you, to avoid suspicion on my rebellion." It was also quite fun to vex him, but somehow I suspected he would not be sympathetic to that reasoning.
"And you think she's different?"
"Yes. I know she is. This is my doing." I waved my hand around, reminding him of who lit the flame under the rebellion.
Drak seemed defensive. "Alice did what she could, too. I'll admit her plans were not nearly as grandiose as yours."
"Naturally. But you still should have told me."
"Like you told me about your Jamie obsession? I only know because—"
"I do not have a Jamie obsession. And that is not why I'm here."
"Oh? You mean you weren't looking for him?"
"Absolutely not," I scoffed. "I was looking for you to ensure that he hadn't ripped you to pieces."
Drak smiled as if he knew I was lying.
It was time for a subject change. "So, I believe I can see why you like her. She's so severe, I can't imagine her letting her hair down, but if she did, I daresay she might be quite attractive indeed. She's certainly got a form worthy of a shallow vampire sire or for a vampire lov—"
"I'm not that shallow, Vienne. She's an admirable vampiress."
I raised an eyebrow at him doubtfully.
"She's a bit like you, except less flamboyant, kinder, more reasonable..."
"Wait, are you using her as a replacement for me?" I teased.
"More like you were a stand in for her..." he said without missing the beat.
I ignored the insult, because he should adore her most of all if he was going to be with her. I wanted my sappy friend to find love. "Well, regardless, I approve of your choice. Whitmore is one of my favourites."
Drak smiled at that, which was quite reasonable considering my opinion on his love life should be of utmost importance to him.
* * * * *
I took Drak's advice and waited to see if Jamie would come to me. I lounged in my favourite chaise and pretended that I was not on pins and needles while waiting for—hoping for—my former human to arrive. Impatience filled me, by the time the doors cracked open and Jamie walked in through the guards.
He looked very sure of himself, and more than ever he moved like he owned the space around him. I watched him, transfixed, as he looked at me, his eyes showing no trace of a red tinge in the dark depths.
I waited to see what he would do.
"I shouldn't have said everything I said to you."
"Why not? It was true."
"You didn't turn me, and I blamed you."
I waved my hand dismissively. "You didn't know."
"I should have asked."
"You woke up as something you had refused, with all that vampiric emotion rushing through you. Of course you reacted badly. I was in near hysterics when it happened to me. Do you remember what happened now?"
"Some, but not clearly. But that's not what I wanted to say, Vienne."
It was a good sign he was using my name. "I'm not looking for your apology."
"I—"
"If it calms your conscience, I was this," I pinched my thumb and forefinger almost together, "close to ignoring your wishes and turning you myself. I probably would have if I had not fled. I have never been so tempted to turn a human in all my days."
"Not really."
"While I wish it hadn't been against your will, I am glad you're still here. I am glad that Drak did that to you," I admitted, wondering how he would react to such an honest confession.
Jamie strode over and sat beside me without invitation, a little too fast, but I did not complain. I tried not to smile, but I could not keep my satisfaction entirely from showing as he took my hand and played with it. "You don't feel cool anymore."
"You don't feel as overheated as you once did. Although I shall miss it," I admitted.
"Sad that my blood is useless to you, now?" he asked. I was glad to hear the teasing note.
"No, pleased that I won."
"You won?"
"Don't you remember? I said I would not drink from you, and I did not, and I certainly will not now that it holds no appeal to me. Ergo, I won."
"Damn, you're a stubborn female," he said, pulling me closer to him.
"Not stubborn. I just like to win." I blinked my eyes innocently at him.
He chuckled, and kissed me.
There were footsteps in the hall outside my chambers. I tried to ignore it, but one of the guards said, "Mistress? There's a human here sent by Davidson who needs to speak with you."