Hearts Content ~ Brandi Carlile (*)
••••••
Harry ~~
Intractable. Word of the fucking day.
That's how the issue I've been thinking about in my head feels. It almost feels like too much to handle, but that's only because it's something I'm not familiar with.
That something being feelings. Strong feelings. For Rayne.
Man I am so fucking whipped. She's constantly on my mind, and I am not boosting that either. Every little thing I think of somehow links my mind to her over and over again. Not that I'm complaining.
But still, I'm wondering if I need help. I can't decide if this is unhealthy or not.
I bet if she knew how often I thought about her she'd think I was fucking weird.
At the end of the day I still wouldn't care, she'd still occupy one hundred percent of my thoughts.
It's so weird how clueless I am when it comes to doing something about these feelings I have though. I've never experienced this before. Not once has a woman ever enticed me enough to make me want only her forever. And yes I mean forever. I want Rayne all to myself forever.
She's so beautiful. She's strong physically and mentally, she's courageous, and although she doesn't see it, she's also selfless. She can also be intractable, but I like dealing with her dark side that's harder to handle.
For some reason both of our bad sides seem to mix quite well, even though she hasn't really seen the worst parts of me yet. I don't know when I'll be ready for that.
But still, she's mine and I am hers. I've come to that conclusion. Now I just have to explain that to her without sounding like a narcissistic prick. The last thing I want is to come off as possessive. I just want her to know I'm all hers, and I want her to be all mine. I guess there isn't really a good way to word that without sounding psycho though.
I'll figure it out, and hopefully before she gets to my place which is supposed to be in the next half hour.
Currently I am overthinking everything while tidying up my penthouse. It's usually always spotless but cleaning it is helping me stay busy while I fuck my mind into oblivion with the billions of thoughts in it.
When I get to the bookshelf that has my record player on it, I smile at the memory of us swaying to some Hozier song the night she confessed part of what he did to her. I don't smile at that part, but at the good parts. I'm also reminded of the night at the ball when we danced to another Hozier song.
What is it with us always dancing to just that one band?
Anyway, I play whatever I had in there recently. Which happens to be Can't Take My Eyes Off You by Andy Williams. It's on the vinyl I had customized for myself that plays a bunch of romantic songs.
Yea spoiler alert, when it comes to music I am the biggest sap ever. Those who didn't know me personally but knew what music I liked would think I'm a hopeless romantic.
But when I find myself dimming the lights and lighting some candles, I'm reminded that I have become a romantic due to a certain woman that somehow managed to make me soft for her. She's the only free pass though.
I then walk up the one step to where my "bedroom" area is at and make sure everything up here is tidy too. I check the bathroom which is also all good, and then finally the last door straight across from the bathroom on the other side of the bedroom area.
I'm very surprised out of the few times she's been here that Rayne hasn't noticed this door. I mean, it's pitch black and always has a shadow over it so it blends in really well. But still, she hadn't said a word about what's on the other side. Either she hasn't noticed or doesn't feel comfortable asking. Which is probably a good thing.
I hate lying to her, but that's a side of me only a few specific people have seen before. Showing her that might make her rethink being around me. Especially with how vulnerable she is about that sort of thing. I'll show her when I feel the time is right.
I open the dark door and flick the light switch on inside. Glancing around, I have to force myself to stop thinking about what Rayne would think of this. Instead I shut the light off and close the door.
Just then the sound of coherent knocking fills the place, and I quite literally almost skip over to my huge entry door to let her in.
Fucking whipped, like I said.
And to my greatest pleasure, there she stands on the other side with a gorgeous grin on her face.
"Hey Styles baby." She bites her lip as she smiles, and it immediately makes my filthy mind race.
I haven't told her how much I love that nickname, and I don't plan on it yet. "Hey madwoman." I send her a wink as I perch my arm next to me on the door frame and she rolls her eyes.
It's then that I notice her hands are being awkwardly hidden behind her back.
"Whatcha got there baby?" I gesture my head at her and she purses her lips like she's thinking about something.
"Well if you'd let me in I'd show you." She says sarcastically.
"Oh, right." I pat my forehead with my palm pretending that I'm smacking myself like I'm stupid and she giggles.
The sound makes my heart grow, and when I step aside for her to walk in I quickly shut the door behind us and follow her into the kitchen.
She maneuvers herself around my long countertop and I keep following like a lost puppy. Her body stops moving and she turns to face me, still hiding whatever she's brought, and she smiles up at me.
"Now, I don't know if you'll like it, but I know I do. So if you don't then I'll happily keep it for myself." She shrugs and then brings her hands around herself, holding out an expensive looking bottle of champagne.
My eyebrows raise in question. I open my mouth to talk shit but she cuts me off.
"Before you try to say something smart, yes I know this is even pussier than Ardens wine. I just thought we'd try something light tonight. So I stole the most expensive bottle I could find and now here we are. No complaining, at least one glass. That's all I ask." She holds both hands out in front of her, one containing the bottle, like she's trying to contain a wild animal.
A laugh escapes me and I shake my head. "If your plan was to get drunk this won't cut it with me or you. But it's fine with me. I'll grab some glasses." When I go to walk by her I steal a quick kiss to her lips.
I'm always unable to keep my hands, and lips, to myself around her. She's just too seductive and alluring, and she's so clueless about it too I'm sure. That's what makes it ten times hotter to me.
"You like classic music Styles?" I hear her ask from behind me as I reach into my cupboard to grab the glasses.
"I love music in general. Doesn't matter what kind, I'll listen to it." I admit, knowing she's probably just now heard what's playing on the record player.
She hums softly in what sounds like agreement. "Does that include country music? Or what about gospel?"
After I grab my two best champagne glasses I turn back to her with a smirk. "Country isn't all that bad if you actually listen to the real stuff. The new country they play these days doesn't sound as good as it used too. Also yes, if gospel music ever comes on the radio I don't change it. But that's only because my mum loved listening to that kind of stuff, so I listen to it only because it reminds me of her."
Raynes features are soft as she listens to my explanation. Her smooth, yet lethal hand comes up to brush stray curls out of my face that I hadn't realized were there, and the touch sends tingles down my spine.
"We doing this the crazy way or the mature way?" I ask with humor laced in my tone.
"Define crazy and mature." She winks at me.
"Crazy would be shaking it until the cork busts off. Mature would be using a tool to take the cork out." Her smile is evident as she pretends to deeply think about it.
"Hmmm, see in any other circumstance I would say the crazy way for sure. But I'd hate to make a mess." One side of her delicious body leans against the counter and she crosses her arms.
"Mature way it is." I open the drawer next to me on my right and pull out the cork opener.
She giggles again and I really don't think my heart can take much more. All it takes is for her to just exist in my presence and I'm just obsessed.
Why do I feel so much with her?
It takes a lot of effort to pull my eyes from her and focus on opening the champagne. When I finally work it open the bottle only fizzes all slightly before I pour some into our glasses.
When I finish I hand her a glass and then gesture to my couch in the living area. The same place we've always sat at the times she has been over.
"I like all music too. For the most part." I hear her soft voice say behind me.
I turn to look at her when we reach the couch, and she sits down in her usual spot on the far end and I take my seat next to her.
"Yea?" I ask fondly.
She hums a yes as she takes of sip of the champagne, me eyeing her and taking a sip myself.
"Yea I mean, music is music. And I love how there's so much diversity in it. All those genres, each one different than the last." She explains, her lips hovering over her drink before continuing to sip on it.
I nod in agreement, and for a moment we're silent. I break it first. "This actually is some of the best champagne I've ever had. Not that I've had much."
"Good because it's the only kind I've ever tried."
I look over at her to find a sly grin on her face. She's got her perfectly shaped eyebrows perked up and her beautiful plump lips are turned up in a smirk.
Most of the time I'm admiring her physical attributes mainly because they're always there for me to see. Also because I find them perfect. But the one thing that really makes me adore her is her mind. That's what is truly important, getting to know the mind first before the body.
We got to know each other's minds very quickly because we're so similar, and that's why I believe we've been moving kinda fast with whatever we are. And by fast I don't mean that we're already planning to be married and have children and live together. I just mean how we already act like we've been together for years and we haven't really discussed exactly what we are.
It's just that a lot has happened in our lives recently, so giving us a title hasn't seemed like much of a priority. But now, to me at least, it does. Even though there is still a lot of shit going on right now, making sure Rayne knows I want to be official is important to me.
Cheesy I know. But I can't find it in me to care.
I've gotta start with my plan sometime though or we'll be here all night which will include me biting my nails down raw due to nervousness that I've never really felt before her.
Here goes nothing.
"You know I asked you over to talk about something." I spit out suddenly, the words coming out like a mixture of a statement and a question.
Gauging her reaction to my words, I see her raise her brows again and then lean forward to sit her glass down on the coffee table in front of us.
"Okay....what's up?" She turns her body to fully face mine on the couch and perches her elbow on the headrest next to her so her head can lay on her hand.
I always liked how intentional she got when she knew I wanted to talk. That's why it's so easy for me to reciprocate the same listening respect with her.
A small smile falls upon my lips at her positioning before I hear a familiar song start playing in the background. It gives me an idea that might calm my nerves.
(*)
I stand up from the couch, placing my own glass down at the same time and hold my hands out to her. Her eyes follow me and I can see the slight confusion in them.
"Dance with me madwoman." I wink at her, the inside joke between us always evident.
She eyes me suspiciously but takes hold of my hands anyway. The moment they grip onto mine I feel that tingle go up my spine and through my chest at her touch.
I guide her into the space between my bedroom area and the living room where we somewhat danced that last time. When I think we're in the perfect spot I stop and turn around to face her.
She's got a squint in her eyes as she watches me pull her in and position us to start our dance.
"Well for once it's not Hozier. Who would've thought?" She jokes, hazel eyes bright with the wonder I always see in them.
"Bet you didn't know I listen to music like this huh?" I say amusingly while throwing her into a quick twirl that makes her giggle.
"I've known since the moment I met you that you're full of surprises Harry, so I'm always prepared for the new things I'm constantly learning about you daily." Her smile makes my heart beat faster and it only quickens when she stands on her tip-toes to plant a soft kiss to my lips.
It's short, but still sends goosebumps across the range of my skin like her kisses always do.
I shake my head with a large grin before I start to move us quicker. My movements are exaggerated and I dramatically spin her twice before dipping her once and bringing her back up again.
When we're back in a normal position I outstretch her left arm and my right, pausing for a moment before I start walking a few feet to my right like we're doing the tango or something.
Her head falls back and she closes her eyes as her laughter rings throughout the penthouse. The sound being music to my ears.
I'm being ridiculous and definitely prolonging our "talk" but I'm making her laugh hysterically and that's all that matters.
We both keep doing dramatic two-step dance moves to the song and we're laughing so hard the whole time that we end up in tears.
One moment I'm pretending to tango and the next she's doing ballet moves. It may look insane to people on the outside looking in but to us it's pure comedy just because it's us.
We can always be ourselves around each other and that's why it's so easy with her.
Like right now, she's clumsily doing pirouettes and it's making my stomach hurt from how hard I laugh each time she stumbles. She'll catch herself from falling each time, but the look on her face when she almost does is priceless.
I then walk back up to her and pretend to do a theatrical bow before grabbing her hand again and placing my other on her hip. Her other hand finds my shoulder and we begin to spin around the small open area in sync.
"We could definitely go on broadway." She says with a teasing glint in her eyes.
"Oh without a doubt baby." I look down at her and she looks up at me. Not once do we break eye contact throughout our little dance charade.
It's a funny moment but something about it is also romantic. And I know she senses it too. It's definitely a moment I'll never forget. One of the few really good ones where not shit going on around us is bothering us.
I suddenly stop moving us both and lift her in the air, my arms holding tightly around her hips as I spin us in place. She laughs loudly again and then I bring her back down, dipping her again and bringing my lips to hers.
Her hands hold my face and I almost smile too big to actually kiss her well. I hold it in so I can feel their softness against my own though.
We pull away and I pull us back up. But her hands don't leave my cheeks and our foreheads rest together.
The funny moment has dissipated and it's now serious. But not in a bad way, in the really good way.
Both of our eyes are still closed and our breathing seems to have picked up.
"I know that whatever you're wanting to talk to me about is something that's making you a nervous wreck. You're stalling, but it's okay." She says in almost a whisper.
When I open my eyes I see hers still shut, but almost like she senses my stare they open up to look into mine so deeply it makes my knees almost buckle.
"I'm fucked forever because of how well you already know me." My eyes close again as a breathy laugh falls from my mouth.
"Same here. Now, whenever you're ready, talk to me." Her voice doesn't sound desperate or impatient or anything like that, instead it sounds understanding.
Just like it always does.
"It's been on my mind since the night we were at your house." I begin.
I keep my eyes closed but I can sense that hers are open and watching me closely. Instead of continuing to overthink I just keep talking.
"When I told you what Arden and I were talking about I actually lied. We were talking about you. Well, us I should say. We talked about us, what we were." There's a pause that I take to swallow nervously before I continue.
"He made me realize how much I didn't want to just be content with you anymore. It's not enough. I don't want to just be what we are. I want to be yours completely and I want you to be only mine. I know that we already respect each other and that we aren't seeing other people, but there's just this feeling I get when I think of us and it makes me want more. Call me a selfish asshole, that's fine. But I just want all of you, and if you agree I swear to give you all of me. Although I'm fairly certain you've already got every piece of me I have to offer. I just....don't think content is really our forte, we both know we prefer exciting. And being with you is more than just exciting, it's breathtaking. Literally. So....yea, that's that I guess." I inhale a deep breath when I finish, my eyes still closed.
Raynes forehead is still leant against mine and I felt her hands clutch onto my cheeks just a little harder throughout my confession.
"Harry, look at me." Her usual hard voice squeaks out softly.
I feel myself frown but I slowly open my eyes anyway to see her looking right into them already. She doesn't take them off me but lifts her forehead off of mine so she can look at me better I assume.
"You've got no idea how badly I've wanted to have this conversation, but just been too scared to." Her gaze averts to the floor for a moment and I watch as she sighs before looking back up into my eyes again.
"I'm fairly certain that you've got all of me too. I know there's still secrets and things we haven't learned about each other yet, but we'll get there. I promise. But as of right now, everything I am capable of giving you is already yours. I want you, and I don't think that I'll ever want anyone else ever again." Her eyes are a little wider by the end of her own statement, and I can't help the giddy feeling I get that she agreed with me.
I really can't believe that this actually went well.
"So, does that mean you'll be mine? Like for real, no messing around?" I can't help but assure myself by asking her.
"Call me a cheesy mother fucker, but only if you ask me in the traditional way." She winks at me and bites her lip to stifle some laughter at what I'm sure is the ridiculous goofy grin on my face.
Her hands go to drop from my cheeks but I grab them and put them around my neck. My own hands go to her cheeks and I dip my head down to be closer to her. I always want to be closer to her.
"Rayne Hunter...." I begin.
Her lips slowly turn up at the formality in my voice.
I keep my gaze fixated right on her eyes as I speak. "I want you to be my girlfriend, so will you?"
There's a moments pause where my heart thumps harder than ever before. I think I start sweating even though she literally just said she wanted to be official too.
"Been waiting for you to ask me that Styles baby. Hell yea I'll be your girlfriend." She shows all of her teeth with that beautiful smile of hers when she sees me let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
"Fuck, had me scared for a second. Shit." We both laugh at how almost out of breath I sound.
"So this means you're mine and I'm yours officially now?" Her fingers massage the back of my neck and I almost moan at how good it feels and from the effect her words just had on me.
"I'm all yours sweetheart." I lean down and peck her lips, unable to contain my excitement over the fact that she's really mine.
Mine. Has a really nice ring to it.
"For how long?" Her question is unexpected and I almost don't know what to answer it with.
So I decide to spit out the first thing my mind thinks of.
"If you want we can start with forever.....," I pause for a second and the largest grin of the night spreads onto my face.
"..and a day, madwoman."
••••••
"Forever and a day." That's the specific quote for this story I've been dying to put down!
I feel like it sounds so simple but means so much more than you think.
Anyway, for those who may not have noticed or don't care, I posted the first two chapters of Religion.
In the beginning on the background and description part of the story I mentioned how I was going to wait until I finished this story. But, I decided that I'm capable of writing two at the same time since I write things down and that way I can keep them from accidentally meshing together.
You should check it out though! Very very excited about it. (Obviously since I couldn't wait to start it).
Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts on the chapter and about Religion!
** Update from 5/28/21; so I just finished the story Kiwi by HitterJ. By the way, it's an absolutely amazing story and I almost cried when I finished. Anyway, I saw that the author had used the quote "Forever and a day" towards the very end. Now I swear on all things I love that I did not know that quote was used in that story. I literally can't remember where I first saw it but I JUST finished Kiwi. Just wanted to make it clear that I am not stealing anything that the amazing author HitterJ had written. I would never intentionally steal anything from anyone. I will not be extracting that line from my story though because I've had it written down to use since before I even started this story. Now that that's all cleared up, thanks for reading. Again;) **
<3.