After facing a lot of difficulties, Zen and Kai are finally together. Not officially though but they have decided to give it a chance. Zen has accepted his own feelings for Kai. Major credit goes to his jealousy when he saw Kai with Joseph.
Kai never planned to be in a relationship with Joseph again. He is in the past. When Zen started spending more time with that girl, Sana, Kai was heartbroken. He didn't know what to do. Zen just straight up told him to forget about him and move on with his life. Kai knew Zen is pushing him away because of his family but it still hurt. He even kissed Sana in front of him and that shattered his heart.
Kai was left all alone and that's when Joseph stepped in accompanied him. Kai told him that he should not expect anything in return because the feelings are long gone. They broke up and Kai has no plans of continuing anything romantic with him. Joseph, being the sweetheart that he is, said he understood and won't do anything that makes Kai uncomfortable.
Joseph left no chance of being sweet to Kai or touching him, acting like a boyfriend whenever Zen was close by. Kai knew what Joseph is trying to do and he himself wanted it to happen. He wanted Zen to come back to him. And he did. Zen couldn't take anyone else trying his luck with Kai. Possessive asshole!
Now, Kai is running around in his room, getting ready hurriedly as Zen is about to come over. He can't describe in words how happy he is. He has chased Zen for so long and now he finally has him. He is wearing his newest set of black pajamas and grey T-Shirt. Zen said to dress comfortably as they will be at home watching movies and talking and possibly snuggling but Kai still made some efforts and he thinks he looks really good. He looks at his tidy room, feeling proud. Now, what movie should he choose to play?
Zen is not a fan of movies but Agreed to watch when Kai asked him to. Kai is so confused that he is really considering playing a Pixar movie. Well, they're good so...
A doorbell rings, bringing Kai out of his reverie and he runs to open the door. Yes, he is very much excited to meet Zen!
He opens the door and his heart skips a beat as he sees his silver eyes devil, his hands full of so many bags. He just wants to hug him and kiss him but he knows he can't. Not right now. Everything is so new for Zen and he knows the silver eyed man needs time to be physically comfortable with him. Kai hurriedly takes some from Zen's hands and invites him inside. His heart starts beating faster and his steps falter. He somehow manages to the bags next to the convertible sofa.
Zen smiles when he notices Kai's nervous self. He himself is nervous too. All of this is new to him. He never thought he'll be romantically involved with a man but here he is, aweing over this amazing man. Though he knows there are a lot of hurdles they have to cross. One being, him being comfortable with his partner physically. He just hopes he doesn't hurt Kai by taking too much time.
"I was just about to turn it into a bed so that we can comfortably watch a movie." Kai looks at Zen and suddenly gets nervous.
"I- I mean we can let it be and just sit on the sofa. Converting it is not necessary if it makes you uncomfortable. It's totally alright with me."
Zen chuckles looking at the bumbling mess that Kai is right now.
"I'll go to the kitchen and prepare the snacks. You prepare the bed." Zen emphasizes the word bed and leaves a red-faced Kai behind.
The hell is wrong with you, Kai? Stop being so nervous! Kai scolds himself.
Fifteen minutes later, Zen comes back with two bowls of Doritos and popcorn and some throw away cups. He finds Kai already sitting on the bed, fidgeting a little, nervousness evident on his face. Kai has made the bed so cozy, adding so many pillows and the fluffiest of covers.
Zen decides it's time for him to make Kai comfortable. They both won't make any progress if they keep on being awkward like this in each other's presence. He keeps the bowls in front of Kai, turns off the lights and himself slides inside the covers and settles himself next to Kai comfortably.
Kai shivered as soon as Zen's arm touched his. Stop with the fangirling already, Kai! He so wants to slap himself. It's not really his fault. He never in a million years, thought that he will actually have a chance to date Zen.
"What movie are we watching?"
"Up?"
"Huh? I've never heard about it."
Kai plays with his fingers, not looking at Zen. Zen smiles and covers themselves properly with the duvet.
"It's an animated movie."
Zen did watch many animated movies in his school days and loved them so he really doesn't mind watching it on his first date with Kai. If one can even call it a date.
The movie starts playing and the first twelve minutes of it are enough to make both the men emotional. Why did Ellie die? Obviously, it pulled at their heartstrings!
Zen pours some coke in the throw away cup and passes it to Kai who happily accepts the drink. They both enjoy the movie, their hands occasionally touching as they both reach for the popcorn or the Doritos at the same time.
The room is filled with laughs and Kai has a coughing fit as the giant bird impersonates Carl. Wrong time to laugh!
Zen pats Kai's back while laughing himself and receives a light punch on his shoulder. Kai steals glances at Zen in between the movie, wanting nothing more than to snuggle in his chest and has Zen's arms wrapped around himself but no can do.
Zen is aware of Kai looking at him occasionally. He wants to pull him closer and offer his chest as the pillow but something in him stops him from doing it. He doesn't know why but he can't bring himself to hug Kai. He imagines the scene playing in his mind and shakes his head. Will he ever stop being uncomfortable with the thought of showing love to Kai physically? He'll have to. Someday...
Their date is full of stolen glances and controlling themselves from touching the other. Both of them hardly pay attention to the movie. Both are lost in their own thoughts. When it's the time to say goodbye, they both just stand at the doorway, looking at each other, at a loss of words.
"Well, I had a good time." Zen decides to speak.
"Me too." Kai mumbles.
They both look at each other for a few seconds and then Zen breaks the silence once again.
"See you tomorrow."
Kai smiles and waves at him goodbye as his heart goes crazy when Zen smiles back.
When the senior leaves, Kai slams the door shut, runs insides and jumps on the convertible and screams. Him and Zen were on the same bed, watching movies! It's a dream come true! He can't wait to share more moments with Zen! Hopefully, with time, the awkwardness will go away.
❤❤❤
Zen is sitting in his room, staring at his phone, wanting to slam it on his head. It's the third freaking time he did this to Kai! He'll be lucky if Kai doesn't leave his ass.
The first time was an accident. Zen still doesn't know why he did it. They were in a park, enjoying the cold evening breeze, sitting on the wooden bench and eating cotton candy. Zen was looking at the little pups playing together as their owners gush over them when he felt a little weight on his arm. His head snapped in the direction to find out that it's Kai who's resting his head on his arm.
He didn't know why he did it but he jerked his hand, startling poor Kai who was also enjoying watching the game of tag the pups were playing and pushed him away. Zen shifted away from Kai just enough so that they are not touching anymore. Kai looked at him dumbfounded and diverted his gaze. An awkward silence over them. The hurt look Kai gave him was imprinted in Zen's mind.
Second time was when they were sitting with their friends and they were teasing them both about being joined with the hip now. It's not their fault though. Zen used to scold Kai all the time before for following him and now they are just always together.
Amidst all the teasing, Kai's hand reached out for Zen's that was resting on the table and he was about to hold it, maybe for comfort, the silver eyed man removed his hand with speed of lightning and looked at Kai incredulously. Kai also looked at him wide eyed and a look of dejection crossed his face when he realized what happened. He then shifted farther away from Zen which made the senior feel terrible.
The third time, which was today, Zen knew he fucked up big time. The college elections just got over and they all were invited to a party to celebrate the victory of the president of the student council. They were walking side by side when suddenly he felt Kai press his body to him. Zen just snapped at him and pushed him away, which ended up in Kai falling down in the pool. Kai wasn't aiming to touch Zen. He was just getting far from the pool.
Thankfully, Kai's friend Joseph was already in the pool and he rescued him as Kai couldn't swim. Kai didn't talk to him after that. A few people ran towards Kai and offered him the towel. Joseph just held his hand and took him away as Zen stood there dumbfounded.
"Pick up the phone, Kai!" Zen screams as he dials Kai's number for the ninth time. When he came back, the first thing he checked was Kai's apartment but it was locked.
Where are you, Kai?
That night, sleep comes to him with great difficulty. He just twists and turns in his bed, occasionally checking his phone, just in case Kai contacts him. He doesn't.
The next morning, Zen rushes towards Kai's apartment. He uses the spare key Kai gave him to enter and makes a beeline towards Kai's room. He'll just wait for him there and will apologize for his actions. He is ready to take any kind of punishment Kai gives him.
He opens the bedroom door which startles the man already present in the room who hurriedly puts on a t-shirt.
"Zen?" Kai is shocked to see him here.
"I- where were you the whole night?" Zen asks him instead of going to him and hug him which he really wanted to do.
"Uh, Joe took me to his place for the change of place because it's closer and then we had dinner. It was already too late so I stayed there overnight." Kai answers, not meeting Zen's eyes.
He is angry and upset. He felt so embarrassed when he fell into that pool and Joe had to save him. Just thinking about it makes him want hide somewhere where no one can find him.
He feels helpless and sad because his touch makes Zen so uncomfortable and there is nothing he can do to change it.
"C- can you sit, please? I have to talk to you about something."
Kai looks at Zen gulps after hearing his request. So, this is it? He wants to end everything?
He wordlessly does as requested and Zen follows suit, sitting beside him, keeping a safe distance between them.
"I am so sorry, Kai. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that because of me. You don't deserve to be treated like this. What happened today... I- I am ashamed of my actions. Please, forgive me."
The genuine guilt in Zen's eyes stops Kai from snapping at him. It takes him a few moments to gather his thoughts and decide how to respond to Zen's apology whereas to Zen, these seem to be the time of judgement as his love life depends on Kai's answer.
"I am mad at you, Zen."
Zen's heart drops in his stomach at Kai's words. What else did he expect?
"I hate it when you flinch away just because you're afraid I might touch you. No one will be able to handle this reaction from their supposed future partner."
Supposed future partner
The way Kai said these words in his wobbly voice, it killed Zen.
"You can't blame me for feeling bad about it but I can't blame you too. As much as it bothers me... I understand where you are coming from. Your whole life you thought you'll be with a woman. Even though you like me, I know it's very difficult for you to get used to being with me physically. You- you can take as much time as you want. I want force you in any way or form."
The senior is baffled at the response and looks at the wonderful human sitting in front of him wide eyed.
"Even after I treat you so bad, you're still thinking about me?" Zen can't believe this. Kai is too good for this cruel world.
"I understand what made you react like that but it doesn't mean you can continue to treat me like that. I won't forgive you if you do this again." Kai says firmly and Zen can't do anything but nod.
They both look away, not knowing what more to say to each other. This is not the place they ever wanted to be. Being awkward around each other, not having words for each other, just hurting in silence.
"Until when are you willing to wait for me?" this question leaves Zen's lips in a mere whisper.
"Till you get comfortable around me." Kai answers, both still not making eye contact.
"What if it never happens? What if I fail to satisfy you? These are some really important things we need to discuss. I don't expect you to be celibate forever."
Kai finally looks up at Zen and finds him already staring at him, his eyes holding the pain he can't express in words. He's scared of Kai's answer.
"I will tell you. If I ever feel that I can't go on like this forever, I will end it with you properly but I will never force you into anything. Don't you ever feel guilty of not being able to touch me. It's not your fault."
"I love you, Kai."
The confession stuns the junior. He doesn't know how to respond. He just stares at Zen who has a faint smile on his face with his mouth open. He- he said love... not like... Love!
"I love you too." Kai responds as a lone tear falls down his cheek. Zen doesn't waste a single second and leaps over, taking the crying boy in his embrace. They both hug each other as with all their might.
"I will try my best to overcome my fears, sweetheart. Please, don't give up on me."
Kai's hold tightens on Zen as the latter whispers these words in his ear.
"I won't, Zen. I will never give up." Kai makes a promise that he intends to keep which settles both their troubling hearts.
❤❤❤
They go on multiple dates, wanting to know more about each other, spending some time together. Kai has been very cautious of not making Zen uncomfortable at all. If Zen steps closer to him without realizing, he steps away. His arm never wrapped around Zen's anymore. He never tries to initiate contact anymore. They dine together, walk together, go to movies together but the distance is always between them.
And Zen doesn't like it. Not one bit.
His heart broke that day when he took some snacks to Kai's room just when the latter came out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around him. Kai looked so panicked when he saw Zen at the doorway and ran inside the bathroom with the clothes in his hands. He came out after getting dressed, guilt plastered on his face. Zen wanted to tell him he didn't do anything wrong.
"I'm so sorry, Zen. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." this apology didn't sit well with the older male.
He is now waiting for Kai in front of his apartment building because they have to go buy some things from the market for the university trip the next day.
All the things that happened with them are swirling in his mind. There are a few questions he can't answer himself. Why is he so uncomfortable? Is it Kai's touch that makes him feel that way? Or he just made himself believe that touching a man the way he touched women is weird? Is he really uncomfortable or he just convinced himself that he is?
The ringing of his cell phone brings him out of the storm brewing in his mind and he smiles when he sees it's his sister's call.
"Yo May-"
"No hey ho yo. Tell me what did you do? Why did you text me saying you fucked up with Kai?"
Zen sighs. This thing between him and Kai is eating him away. He wants things to change but doesn't know how to approach the whole subject.
"I just..."
Zen narrates the predicament he is in and Maya listens intently.
"I don't want things to be like this, Mi. I know how much it hurts Kai. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to make him feel so bad. I just want to love him. To freely be with him without any crazy thoughts running in my mind."
"Oh God, Zen. This is really serious. I can't imagine what he must be feeling."
"Oh, I know. He feels that I am disgusted when he comes near me. Even the thought of his skin touching mine is enough to make me puke. I'd rather be anywhere than be near him. I'd rather-"
Zen turns around while speaking as is shell shocked when he sees Kai standing in front of him.
"Kai-"
Kai shows him his hand and he stops speaking. Tears form in his eyes as he sniffles. Zen ends the call without listening to whatever Maya had to say.
Don't tell him that Kai just heard the last part...
"Kai, liste-"
"Just shut up!" Kai yells as tears freely flows down his face. He has never felt so embarrassed and so ashamed of himself. He feels worthless.
"I have neve- never forced you to do anything!"
"Please, listen to me."
"No! You listen to me!" Kai's breath falters as he tries to regain his composure. His vision blurs because of the unstoppable tears as his heart constricts in his chest. His whole body is burning in embarrassment.
"D- don't ever come near me. Get lost! I hate you!" Kai screams as he runs back inside the building.
Oh no, oh no, oh no!
Zen is in full on panic mode. Kai got it all wrong!
The way his eyes teared up, the way he looks so hurt, so broken, all because of Zen... no, he has to fix this. He will fix this.
Zen follows the running boy and fortunately gets inside the apartment before Kai can shut the door on his face.
"Just go away, Zen!"
"No, I won't. Not until you listen to me." Zen says as he steps closer to Kai, only to be pushed away. Kai's face is all red from excessive crying and anger.
"That's what I've been doing the whole time! I don't want to listen to you anymore!" Kai wails and coughs. Zen can't tolerate the sight in front of him.
Kai rubs his nose with the sleeve of his t-shirt as he feels snot coming out.
"Please, don't cry so much."
"You just go away!" Kai screams.
Zen's heart is thundering inside his chest and his whole being is shaking. The situation is getting out of control.
"I told you I'll never force you into anything. Why did you go around and insult me like that? If you're so disgusted by me then why are you here? Leave!" says Kai, continuously swatting away Zen's hands that are trying to hold him. It is getting difficult for him to breathe and his voice comes out hoarse.
Zen's can feel his heart crush because of Kai's struggles, because of his grief-stricken face. He finally manages to get hold of Kai and brings him in his embrace but the latter's struggles don't seem to cease.
"It's a misunderstanding, honey. Please, let me explain." Zen speaks, tears dropping from his own eyes as the love of his life continues to thrash in his arms.
"Stop lying!"
"I am not lying!" screams Zen, finally losing his cool.
He removes his arms from around Kai and roughly grabs his face with both his hands, forcing the crying boy to look right at him.
"I love you, Kai. I love you so much and I can never be disgusted with you. do you hear me?"
Kai's eyes well up once again and he pushes Zen away with all his might.
"Just shut up!" Kai turns around and goes to sit on the sofa, trying to control his ragged breathing.
Zen goes to the kitchen and fills a glass of water and follows Kai. He sits beside him and offers him the glass. Kai swiftly looks away, ignoring this devil's presence as he wipes his face, still sniffling.
Zen shifts closer until their sides are touching and Kai attempts to push him away once again but this time, Zen is not having. He wraps his free arm around Kai in a strong hold which makes Kai struggle more.
Kai gets more and more irritated as Zen is actually succeeding in capturing him in his old.
"Drink it." An order is given. Kai glares at Zen but then accepts the glass just to get out of his hold, feeling pissed. He just held him down with a single arm!
Kai's eyes tear up again and Zen sighs. He gets up and disappears but Kai can't care more. He can go wherever the hell he wants. Much to his dismay, Zen is back after a few minutes with a small towel in hand which is wet. Kai looks at him cautiously, wondering what he's playing at.
Zen sits beside him again, way too close for Kai's liking and takes the empty glass away from him and keeps it on the table in front of them. He then holds Kai's cheek gently, with so much care that anyone will think Kai is very important to this silver eyed devil.
Zen wipes Kai's face with the towel and his face contorts in pain when he wipes the area under his eyes.
"Your eyes and face are all swollen."
And whose fault is that? Kai wants to ask but refrains from doing so. He is just in awe of the gentleness the man in front of him is showing.
When he is done, he keeps the towel aside and caresses Kai's face and frowns when his hand is swatted away.
"Will you now let me explain?"
"No."
Zen is taken aback with the answer but what else he can expect?
"If you don't listen, how will we clear up the misunderstanding?"
"There is no misunderstanding. I said loud and clear what you said on the call. You are disgusted by me. Just the thought of touching me makes you want to puke."
Zen flinches as he hears those words from Kai's mouth.
"I know what you heard but you don't know the context."
"I don't want to know anything anymore. Just leave!"
"Stop being so stubborn!" Zen yells. He has had enough. He's trying to explain but Kai is not ready to listen.
"And you stop being an asshole and leave!"
Zen stands up, his fists clenching in rage.
"Fine. I will leave and you can continue to cry since that's what you like doing so much."
And then he leaves leaving a shocked and hurt Kai behind. Kai jumps a little as he hears the front door of the apartment slam shut loudly. He just does what Zen said he would. He cries himself to sleep.