"how am i supposed to be your ray of light?
i get dark sometimes, does it pass you by?"
- falling asleep at the wheel, holly humberstone
𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐘𝐋𝐄𝐒
"How much did you know about Elliot?" I asked her.
Fear and nerves were bubbling in my stomach. I wasn't sure how much I was about to tell her...it definitely wasn't going to be everything.
I wasn't ready for that and neither was she.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
I sighed...how the fuck do I even approach this? "Did you know what he did for a living?" I bluntly said. It was probably better to just be straight up instead of beating around the bush. She seemed surprised at my words like she wasn't expecting that to leave my mouth.
"Sorta..." she trailed off, although she didn't seem so sure.
"Define sorta," I said, "I need to know exactly what you knew"
She huffed out and shrugged, "Like...I knew he was an underground fighter" she paused for a second, "Illegally..." she finished.
This was going to be harder to do than I thought. "That's it?" I asked.
"He never told me what he did...I kinda figured it out he fought from the rumours that went around campus when we first started dating. Every time I asked him about it he'd just get mad...so I stopped. I knew that—" she stopped speaking for a second, seeming to recollect her thoughts and words, "The place he fought at was run by a gang..."
Alex was right when he said she didn't know much. It was a lot more complicated than that.
"Harry...you're kind of scaring me..." she nervously fiddled with her fingers on top of the table.
I sighed and rubbed my hand over my face, "It's just...once I tell you this shit...you probably aren't going to look at me the same. We're finally in a good place and everything just keeps coming out of nowhere and fucking it up,"
She was silent before speaking up, "You don't have to tell me— I don't wanna force you—"
"No, because if I had the option, you would never find out," I shrugged, "I just fuck— I don't even know where to start,"
She grabbed my hand on the other side of the table and squeezed it, giving me reassurance and comfort I surely didn't deserve.
She was going to hate me. I guarantee it.
"Elliot wasn't just fighting at an underground ring owned by a gang...he was a part of it as well. And he was extremely high up in terms of ranks," I breathed out.
That wasn't even the hard part and I was already shitting myself. "What— but how?" Joy stuttered over her words. "He probably didn't tell you for the exact reason I'm fucking terrified to tell you right now," I laughed sarcastically.
"We were dating for three years...I think I would've known.." she suddenly said in an accusing tone.
I furrowed my brows, "Joyce...I'm not lying and that fact that you think I am just lets me know how much he really fucked with your head," I grumbled.
"No, I just—"
"How many times has he come back to you with thousands of dollars in his pockets at once? Yeah, fighting is good money but not that much! I guarantee he got all that money from all the drugs he was selling..." I told her.
"Drugs?" she scoffed.
I shrugged, "I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear but...he did the dirty work, sold drugs, trafficked them...other things you probably don't wanna know about..."
She was in utter disbelief...I knew this was hard to hear for her, especially since it was someone she was with for years.
"But..." she stopped and took a few deep breaths, "What kind of things?" she asked.
I shook my head, "You don't wanna know,"
"Harry, just fucking tell me because I'm sick and tired of people lying to me!" she said. I could tell she was trying her hardest not to break down.
"As I said, he was already high up in terms of ranks but the Disciples...the gang he was a part of is powerful. Not just in terms of New York but all over the U.S...drug trafficking, weapon trafficking...sex trafficking even. I don't know but fighting wasn't his only job...that was probably his easiest job because underground fighting is usually a cover-up to the public to hide it from bigger things." I paused.
Joyce had her elbows on the table, facing her head down as I spilled this information out to her, "How— how didn't I know?" she questioned, more to herself than to me.
"He was good at hiding it from you. He clearly didn't want you to know. Alex mentioned he practically told anyone about what he did, probably to make people scared of him honestly.."
She looked up at me, "Alex knew?"
Fuck.
He was going to fire me and then kill me.
"He did. He tried to tell you but I guess you were already in too deep with Elliot—"
"He never fucking tried to tell me that! If he told me that he was in a gang then I wouldn't have stayed with him for so long," she said.
I pulled my lips into a thin line, "It's not that easy Joyce...don't you see how he hasn't left you alone since you broke up with him. He still thinks he has a hold on you and I guarantee he would've done anything to get you back. He liked controlling you...he liked the feeling of power he had and he would do anything to keep that,"
She was silent for a few minutes, not saying a word just staring out into space. She promptly looked up at me, "And how the hell did you know all of this?" she asked.
Here comes the part where she inevitably hates me now.
"What I tell you can't be repeated to anyone else," I told her, emphasizing my words.
She rolled her eyes, "I won't tell anyone,"
"I'm serious, if you tell anyone else, I could be in big trouble," I said, a sense of urgency to my words. "Okay, okay, I won't. I promise," she took a deep breath.
"I moved to New York because I was running away," I said.
She looked at me confused, "Running away?"
I nodded, "I knew Elliot was in a gang because I saw the tattoo he had....his gang tattoo, everyone has one. The skull tattoo on his neck...there's a roman numeral for the number two hidden in it, which was again how I knew he was higher up in the ranks. It goes by number for them and two is extremely powerful, almost close to being a leader even...although I'm not sure how that happened since he was apparently parading this information around a campus full of idiot uni students. But uh— the reason he ran scared that night outside the building was because he saw my tattoo..." I rolled up my sleeve slightly and pointed at the ink on my arm.
I wanted nothing more than to cover up the image of the snakehead that was on my arm forever now.
"So you..." she trailed off.
Looking down shamefully, I nodded, "It's not something I'm proud of. I've had a fucked up life...growing up wasn't easy for me. If I knew what I was getting myself into with the Syndicates, I would've slapped my younger self. I got involved with the wrong people and I needed fast money, which they offered me. At first, it was just fighting...kinda like Elliot. It paid a good amount of money for someone who was previously homeless...I would take whatever I could get. I didn't know that the people I was fighting under were a part of a gang, or else I would've walked the other way. They had a plan for me the whole time...a few years down the line after fighting for so long, they introduced me to the gang and had me doing other things besides fighting..."
"Why did you leave?" she surprised me by asking.
"I didn't want to spend the rest of my life stuck in that goddamn place. I hated every second of it and the only reason I didn't leave sooner was because of the money. Of course...I couldn't just leave when I pleased and that's the problem when you're in a gang...you're in it for life whether you want to or not. So I started making a plan to escape...I saved money and I was getting ready to leave." I stopped to take a short breather because this was beginning to be all too much for me, "Everything was going as I planned it until one day they told me they wanted to move me up in the ranks...have me doing more 'important jobs' as they called it," I rolled my eyes and finger quoted, "They wanted me to do things I wasn't okay with...things that made me sick to my stomach. Think of the worst things your brain could conjure up right now and multiply that by one hundred...that's the kind of stuff they would've had me doing. I would have rather they killed me than participate in what they were asking me to do. So I left earlier than anticipated before they had the chance to stop me,"
She wasn't saying anything. That wasn't good. I knew she hated me now.
Joyce just sat there with a hardened look on her face. "Wow," she finally said.
That's not what you want to hear.
"How come Elliot ran scared?"
I pursed my lips, "Because the Syndicates are one of the most powerful gangs in the entire world. If you're associated with them...you have instant protection and as far as he knows...I'm still a part of it. That's why he hasn't come around again because he thinks you're with me now...he wouldn't even dare. The Syndicates have control all over the world, everyone knows who we are. There are eyes all over the place, courtesy of them and he would honestly be stupid to mess with me..."
"Why did you tell me this? I know I asked you to but you could have easily lied," she questioned.
"Because I like you, and although I wish this wasn't a part of me...my past made me who I am. I know there's a chance you'll want nothing to do with me now but I'll take that chance rather than hiding something from you that you were just going to find out eventually...I wish I didn't have to tell you something as fucked up like this but..." I trailed off, "Here we are," I shrugged.
"One more thing," she said, "What does all of this have to do with my apartment? You've been acting stranger than usual...do you think Elliot has something to do with this?" she asked.
She was right.
After that horrifying and gruesome scene, we walked in on earlier...I noticed something hanging around the cat's neck. It was a necklace, with another gold tooth attached to it.
I didn't want to believe it at first.
I couldn't believe that he was here in New York.
My mind went back to the text he sent earlier, telling me he might make a pit stop.
Joy was his pitstop.
I knew I should've been more careful. Now people I cared about were getting hurt. I wasn't sure what I would've done if she was there during the time of the break-in...if she had gotten hurt, I would never forgive myself.
"I think he found me,"
"He?" she questioned.
"The leader of the Syndicates. Doran, he found me. I think he did that to your place or someone who works for him," I breathed out.
This didn't feel real.
"I need a cigarette,"
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"You're surprisingly calm..." I trailed off.
Joy and I returned to our flat building after she stood outside the diner and smoked a few cigarettes that she got from a convenience store across the street. The police cars have evaded the premise for now and everything seemed like it was normal again.
Minus the yellow caution tape that was all over Joy's door.
"I still think this is all some kind of sick joke," she laughed to herself as I shut and locked the door to my flat. Flickering on my kitchen light, I looked over at her in disbelief, "Are you serious? This isn't a joke, I wouldn't joke about something like this!" I felt myself unintentionally raise my voice.
Meela comes from around the corner the second she sees the light come on. Joy brought her over here while the police were investigating her place. She walks over to Joy's leg and starts purring against it to which she picks Meela up in response. "One thing, I can't have one thing good in my life," she mumbled.
"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you but that's not exactly a conversation starter!" I said.
"Harry—"
"I knew you wouldn't look at me the same way, which is why I didn't want to tell you! At least we could've had a little more time together before you decide that you want nothing to do with me anymore," I stressed.
This was it, she was going to tell me she wanted to end whatever was going on between us.
Any second now.
"Woah...who said I was going to want nothing to do with you? I'm just processing everything...it's not everyday you find out your ex-boyfriend was in a gang and the guy you currently like is escaping from one! I appreciate you for telling me, I understand how hard it must've been but...this is just a lot to take in all at once. And I wasn't talking about you earlier...I just meant that of course, this happens to me...to us. I don't look at you any different because you're clearly not the same person you were a few months ago. Your past doesn't define you—" she paused, "And finally my life seems to be going good...and this is just one more thing to fuck it all up," she groaned.
"I know it's fucked up believe me" I sighed, running my hands through my hair and taking a seat on my couch, Joy following me and placing Meela on the ground as she sat down beside me. "He's going to get revenge one way or another and if that meant spending the rest of his life tracking me down, then so be it! He's found me once, a lot sooner than I thought...he'll find me again if I leave! He holds grudges...and I bit off more than I could chew."
"You're leaving?" she suddenly said, sadness overtaking her features.
I shrugged, "I don't know! Maybe..."
"But— but...you can't leave!"
"I might not have a choice...you'll be a lot safer if I'm not around, maybe it's for the best," I said.
"You're not actually considering that, are you? Harry, I'm safe when you're around, I'm safe right now," she told me.
"If you were safe around me how do you explain someone stabbing dead fucking animals through a wire and hanging it on your wall like some sick craft project! You're not safe around me and you never will be! Do you think I wanna leave? That's the last thing I'd want to do...I like my life here...my job is nice, this flat is shitty but it's grown on me, the city...I didn't think I would like it here but I was wrong...and you, you're here! I don't want to leave, but what else am I supposed to do? I'm just trying to protect you before it gets worse!"
"I wish everyone would stop using that as an excuse. If you were really trying to protect me you'd stay! You can't just leave...the only way I'll be safe is if you're around!"
I sighed and shook my head, looking anywhere but at her, "Fuck"
I can't look at her right now. Everything was bound to go out the window if I even took one glance at her saddened expression.
"Harry, look at me..."
"No,"
"Why?" I heard the sadness in her voice
I sighed, pulling at my hair, "Because if I look at you, I'm going to be selfish and stay..." I admitted.
"How does that make you selfish?" she asked.
"Because when you ask me to stay I would do it. Even if that means putting your safety at risk...I'd stay in a heartbeat if you wanted me to. This whole fucking this is my fault and I don't know what's going to happen if Doran finds me...tonight was a warning and next time maybe I won't get there so fast and it'll be too late. I can't let that happen again...not with someone else I care about..."
I told myself that after what happened with Max. He was put in danger because of me, and I couldn't have a repeat with Joy.
Getting that phone call from her and not being able to immediately pull her into my arms when I heard how distressed and scared she sounded...killed me.
And it made me realize how much I truly cared for her.
"If that makes you selfish then I guess we both are because I'm asking you to stay. We can figure this out, Harry. You can't just—" she stopped herself and I turned to look at her again, watching as tears welled up in her glossy brown eyes as she took a deep breath, "—leave like that"
"Please don't make this any harder than it already is. I don't want to..." I huffed.
"So don't" she shouted, "Stop making decisions based around me...you once told me it's not selfish to put yourself first and you said it yourself, you don't want to leave...so don't,"
"Joyce...that's not the same thing and you know it...this is your safety we're talking about. This time it was a few animals, next time it could be worse...I just want what's best for you..." I trailed off.
Her eyes were full of hurt, fear and sadness.
Sadness that I caused.
She scoffed, "When do I get to decide what's best for me? Hm? Everyone else seems to be making those decisions for me lately and clearly they aren't doing a very good job because I'm still stuck in the same cycle! Let me decide what's best for me for once," she halted and I could tell she was trying her best to keep her composure and not break down in front of me, "I can't stop you...I know that. If you really think the best decision for you is leaving then leave—" she sniffled and I watched a few tears fall down her rosy freckled cheeks, "—just can you at least sleep on it...I want one more good night with you before everything possibly turns around," she sighed, staring back down at her hands once again, refusing to make eye contact with me.
"I can do that," I told her.
The two of us remained silent on the couch. The minutes ticked by slowly and the moon was shining through my window, illuminating Joy's features allowing me to see every freckle and beauty mark on her pale porcelain skin that was now tinted red. She had traces of mascara around her eyes and little pieces of hair framing her face perfectly.
It contrasted to the mindless frown that sat on her lips and her furrowed brows.
"Is it okay if I shower? I just need to de-stress from today," she asked, suddenly nervous. I nodded, "Yeah, go ahead... there are a few clean towels in the hall closet" I responded. Joy sat up from her spot but then lingered around in place for a bit longer, not moving a single inch as she looked around nervously, gnawing at her bottom lip.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
I watched as she bit her lip even harder before meeting eye to eye, "Do you...do you maybe wanna join me?"
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a/n
sorry to end it here! uh i hope u enjoyed this lil info dump sorta although there's still some things harry hasn't told joy!
do you think he's gonna leave? or do you think he should stay?
i'd love to hear your thoughts!!!
hope everyone is doing well!! thank u for reading!!!
till next time <3