A week later...
Killian stood on the deck of the Jolly Roger, going full speed, as he looked out his spyglass to find the water were calm. He hadn't seen Peter Pan since Emma freed him. The captain would be lying if he said he was happy to never see than demon again. Deep down that feeling of revenge still lingered. Even if Pan wasn't the one who sent him and his brother on that mission to collect dreamshade, he could have done more to stop them, to save his brother. And now that the green-eyed demon couldn't hurt the captain, he would surely be a dead man.
However, Killian couldn't afford to think like that. He had Emma to worry about, and now more so than ever. He hated to admit it, but she was right, Liam would've wanted him to continue to live out his life full of happiness and not hate. Liam certainly wouldn't have wanted him to kill anyone nor only live for revenge. Emma was a constant reminder of that. She might have not known Liam but they were much alike and deep down the captain counted his lucky stars every day for that...
No news ever came from King George's kingdom regarding his death or more importantly who was responsible for it. Perhaps Emma did the kingdom a favor and their repayment was their silence. Nonetheless, it ate away at Emma ever since. She spent much of her time below deck, not because she had to, but because she wanted to. The princess let her instinctive choice consume her mind, knowing she took the life of another... All her life she was raised to be good, to give people another chance, to choose the right path. She had convinced herself that her parents would be upset with her, if not her entire kingdom.
The captain did his best to tell her it wasn't her fault for acting on instinct, that she had saved him, but she refused to believe that was the only way to save his life. He knew her parents wouldn't care of the king's death because it was a small price to pay for her life. However, she didn't see it that way and it was becoming difficult to raise her spirits and ease her mind.
Emma remained in their bed trying to forget what she had done. On top of it all, she refused to eat and rarely slept. Killian did his best to take care of her as well as his other responsibilities but found himself starting to feel responsible for her actions. After all, he was captain and should have been nowhere near that kingdom, let alone the kingdom's ruler. More importantly, he shouldn't have let her go off with the deceitful king. But he couldn't think that way. He has killed more people than he could count and the bloodshed didn't bother him anymore, especially when it came to protecting her...
After scouting out the waters one last time, he assigned Mr. Smee to take over the evening responsibilities so he could try and give Emma some dinner. He had the ship's cook make one of her favorite meals hoping it would do the trick.
Meanwhile, below deck, Emma layed in their large bed with a pillow over her face, hoping the memories of what she had done would pass. Killian would tell her every day not to dwell on the past, nor relive that awful moment, but she found herself disobeying his wishes as always. The only good that came out of this was that her headaches had passed and the crew was starting to be nice to her again. Not to mention her rift will Killian quickly passed after killing the King of Mal...
After retrieving the plate of mashed potatoes and roast beef, Killian headed to their quarters to find Emma's untouched lunch till on the table. He sighed and placed her dinner plate beside it and headed over to their bedroom door. Slowly opening it, he found Emma in her usual spot on the bed, buried under the covers... Not wanting to startle her, he knocked on the open door. "It's me, darling." He said entering.
To no surprise, she didn't answer, nor move at all. He had to admit, seeing her like this hurt more than he thought. In a way, she had lost her innocence. Killing a man with her father's sword... not even he could imagine that kind of pain, but he remembered the first time he killed somebody. He remembered the replay in his head over and over and the way he wished he could take it back. Luckily for him, he had Liam at the time who would comfort him...
Killian shook his head, trying to erase the thought, "I brought you dinner." He said clearing his throat, "It's your favorite." He teased, gently nudging her arm under the sheets.
Emma still hadn't moved, but finally decided it was time to speak, "How do you do it?" She asked weakly.
He sat at the edge of the bed, confused by the question. He placed a gentle hand on what he guessed to be her waist, "Do what, love?"
The princess sat up for the first time in a long time, catching Killian by a delightful surprise. Her unbrushed and disheveled hair couldn't hide her tear-stained face and puffy red eyes. He noticed she was in one of his shirts which was a comforting thought. She took a deep breath and looked up at him as she wiped her runny nose, "Live with yourself... knowing all the bad things you've done."
The sentence hit him like a ton of bricks. He hadn't a clue. He spent many years killing people who irritated him and had no remorse. He once killed a man just cause he called him a name in front of his crew and not once had he regretted it. But now, with Emma, he was starting to see the error of his ways, and yet he still didn't regret hurting anyone who came near her.
Emma's eyes showed nothing but despair and he wanted to do anything he could to help her move on, but this question he found difficult to answer... How did he live with himself? All he knew what that he would do whatever it takes to keep her safe and if that meant killing someone then so be it, at least she would live... "I- I don't know, Swan." He answered looking down.
"I think you do know." She responded without emotion.
The captain looked back up to find seriousness written all over her face and desperation for an answer, "All I know is everyone told me I needed to protect you." He stated bluntly, "And that is a job no one ever needs to ask me to do because I'll willingly do it till the day I die." He continued, inching closer to her, "I love you and that is all the motivation I need, and if someone threatens you then I have no problem killing them because you are the only thing I care about." He said with seriousness in his tone.
He may have lied to her nonstop and treated her as a child at times, but one thing remained true, he would protect her no matter the cost. He didn't care if she hated him at the end of the day or she never spoke to him again but as long as she was safe that's all he wanted. In fact, that's why he kept her parents secret all this time and even dragged out their journey home. He knew once the truth was revealed he may never see her again and only have her hate in return, but he'd take that any day over surrendering her to anyone who would be daft enough to threaten her life.
Emma rolled her eyes, hating that everyone viewed her as someone who needed protecting. All her life was lessons after lessons on how to handle conflict of any kind. She was taught to handle various types of weapons. She was practically taught how to defend and protect not only herself but an entire kingdom. Yet nobody trusted her to do so? Sure she couldn't kill anyone without regret but she could damn well fend for herself and anyone else if needed, "I can take care of-"
"I know." He interrupted harshly, "You are the daughter of a very beloved king and queen, and that alone makes you very valuable." He said trying to get through to her, "You know that. I took you for ransom all those years ago because of that." He reminded her, "On top of that you now have the strongest light magic anyone has seen, and any bloody person can sense it." He said raising his voice at the situation, "And to make matters worse you are now tied to me until the day you die."
His tone took her by surprise. She knew what he meant about her being of value. Her parents always reminded her of that and always advised to be careful. She believed that to be the reason why they never let her travel anywhere alone... She never saw the value in herself but she at least knew her parents, Neal, anyone would pay a good amount of money for her ransom without a doubt. And above all, she was tired of hearing how her magic was so special because in her eyes it wasn't. Whatever she could do, someone else could do as well, if not better... but she had no clue where he was going with the end of his overdramatized speech, how was she tied to him? If anything he would forever be tied to her. "I don't understand how being associated with you is a bad thing."
"Because people want me dead, Emma." He responded coldly, "I've done things to people you could never imagine and people may fear me, but that doesn't mean they won't try and hurt me. All those tales of me being a vicious and heartless man a true and you need to believe them." He explained, "You heard Pan. He was a pon in King George's plan. That king used him to try and take you to get to me, and that's when I realized I can't always protect you." He said regaining her full attention, "Being with me is dangerous, even if we don't last you'll always be tied to me. Someone is always going to know I love you and try to hurt you." He paused, " You asked me how I can live with myself and my answer is that as long as you're safe I don't give a damn about anyone else. I don't give a damn about their status, I don't give a damn if they have a family, I don't a damn if they kill me." He said looking her dead in the eyes, "Because of me people want to hurt you and I'd rather die fighting for you, and killing whoever necessary, than letting you be the one to die. And you can say all you want about how I've changed or you don't believe the tales but know one thing, I will do whatever it takes to make sure you're safe from anyone who dares to threaten you."
Emma paused for what seemed to be a long time. Both of them just staring at each other and she could see the fear shining in his eyes at the thought of losing her. Fear was a look you rarely saw on this man... in fact, she hadn't seen fear in his eyes ever unless it regarded her. It was the same fear she felt when King George held a sword to Killian's neck. Everything he said about protecting her was what she felt towards him. She rather have the king dead than be without Killian and seeing the pain on her pirate's face only deepened that feeling. There was nothing she wouldn't do to keep him safe, despite how well he could take care of himself. And he may have seen himself as an evil man, but all she saw was an honorable man whom she loved more than anything. That was the first time she didn't feel guilt for what she had done. She even thought to herself that she'd do it all again if need be.
The princess was the first to break their eye contact and decided to finally sit next to him properly, something she hadn't done in a long time. After making her way over to him she focused her eyes back on his. His ocean eye showed a storm brewing, a storm she had caused. His smile long gone and the stubble on his cheeks much longer than usual. His hair a complete mess from his constant fingers running through them. One of the many things he did when he was lost in thought... "You may see yourself as the bad guy, but I only see the good-"
The captain let out a sigh of frustration, "I am not all good, nor all bad." He interrupted, "Nor are you, we are both." He said desperately, "You have to understand that, Swan, or you won't be able to move past this, believe me."
She frowned her eyebrows at him, getting upset that he wouldn't let her talk and try to comfort him, upset that she wouldn't be able to pass this weight on her chest, "I believe my parents are all good."
Killian swallowed the lump in his throat and let that sentence sit on his mind for a minute. It was true her parents were known to be kind and overgenerous, but he knew things she didn't. For instance, they promised their second child over to Rumpelstiltskin. Granted they didn't plan on having another child, but not even he would dare promise such a thing. He would never surrender his child over to such a man nor sentence his family to that endless torment and worry. Not to mention that child now had their fate sealed before they were even conceived. He couldn't even begin to describe how much that infuriated him. Emma only saw the world as black and white and it frustrated him. She had no clue of what the real world was and it was because her parents had kept her so sheltered and isolated. Maybe if they hadn't they wouldn't have to keep having this same damn conversation. He had to get through to her, "There are tales about my brother. Tales of him being a horrible man." He remarked, slightly changing the conversation.
"Oh..." The princess responded, wondering why he never said anything before. Killian thought highly of Liam and she couldn't comprehend what it must be like to learn someone you admire had done wrong, "What did he do?"
The captain looked away, "I don't know." He answered truthfully, "I only ever saw him as a hero, never saw him do a bad thing..." He commented, trailing off, "But then I remember, I wasn't always by his side and at the end of the day he did what he had to do to take care of us, and give us a better life than what our father left us too."
Emma nodded, knowing how hard it was for Killian to talk about his brother, especially if it was something negative, "Do you think it to be true?"
"I pray it not be true, but if it were, it only proves my point." He said looking back at her, "We are not all good, nor all bad. And I know you, Emma. You meant no harm, but it happened. Now you can either spend the rest of our journey in this dingy cabin or you can accept it was an accident and keep living your life." His gaze made her uncomfortable, "Your life is too precious for you to tear yourself apart over killing a ghastly king who deserved a far worse fate."
The princess let his words linger. In a way he was right, she couldn't let this one accident be the end-all for her. In all honesty, she just wanted to know she could be forgiven, and if a man as amazing as Liam could be forgiven, then maybe so could she. "Did you ever forgive Liam?"
He looked away for a moment. He never knew what his brother did for others to talk so poorly of him. It was only right after he died did he hear some of the royal navy's crew talking ill of their departed captain, Liam. All Killian remembered was the pain of his brother's death still fresh in his mind and for a couple of lousy deckhands to talk badly of him only made him mad. He killed them on the spot, but not once was he ever mad about Liam, so maybe he had forgiven him long before he even realized. "Aye." He responded, letting out a sigh, "He passed before I could tell him, but he knew."
"How can you be certain?" She pushed.
The captain took her hand in his and looked her in the eyes, hoping his last few words would get through to her, "All sins can be forgiven when someone loves you." He paused, "I love you, your parents love you, your whole kingdom loves you." He reminded her, "Now you just need to forgive yourself because you are not the kind of person who just sits around and feels sorry for themselves when there is a whole world of people out there who have it far worse than you. That's what your parents will be disappointed in because they raised you so much better than that."
She knew his harsh words were tough love and his past clearly haunted him, even more so the news of Liam, but she found herself satisfied with his response. With slight hesitation she looked at his lips and leaned in, wanting more than ever for this feeling of regret to pass. She wanted to stop feeling sorry over King Geroge's death. If she hadn't killed him, Killian might not be sitting in front of her right now. And he was right, she had to move on and get home to her parents. She had to get home to her kingdom. She had to love herself enough to know what she did was an accident and that was not who she was. She was not a killer. The princess closed her eyes, letting a single tear fall and she pressed her lips against his, letting the guilt she felt slip away.
He was quick to respond, missing the feeling of her pressed against him. The captain inhaled the faint smell of roses as the kiss deepened as Emma reluctantly pulled away. "I never thanked you." She said leaning her warm forehead against his.
"You never need to thank me." Killian responded in a whisper, "But if you were, I do love the taste of your lips against mine." He teased.
Emma laughed and then pulled away with a dull smile on her face, "Can I ask you something else?"
A smile crept on his face. He was finally able to see her memorizing green eyes and her slightly freckled cheeks underneath her messy blond curls. "Anything." He answered.
Seriousness entered her voice, "Do you ever regret it?"
"Regret what exactly?" He asked.
Emma bit her lip, "Taking me aboard your ship." She clarified softly, "You had a pretty good life, a loyal crew... I've seemed to mess it all up for you."
Sadness washed over the captain's face once more. Not a day went by where he wasn't grateful for her. Even days when she drove him insane and tested his limited patience, he was forever indebted to her. "Not ever. My life had no meaning until I met you." He responded seriously, "I don't give a damn about my crew as long as they treat you with respect, and don't you ever think you ruined anything for me. You bring me the greatest joy, joy I didn't think possible, and I'd do it all again if I had to." He said, causing her to blush, "Now can I ask you a question?"
The princess smiled, "Mhm."
"Do you ever regret boarding my ship?" He asked inches from her face.
Her life, her reputation, her status... Everything changed when she met him. No doubt would she be considered undesirable if they weren't too last. He ruined her every way possible, and yet he gave her the life she dreamed of. He took her to see the world, the good and the bad. He treated her better than any potential suitor ever did, he treated her as a person and not just a princess, and above all, he made her genuinely happy. Many people only wanted to marry her for her crown or an alliance, but not him. No matter how much they fought nor saw eye to eye, not a day passed where she didn't smile at the thought of him. Not a day went by where he ceased to amaze her and show her how a lady should truly be treated, even more so how a gentleman should act. "Never." She responded looking him in the eyes, "As you, I'd do it all again."
The captain let out a small chuckle and leaned his forehead against hers. The light in her eyes was slowly returning and he couldn't be more grateful, "What do you say we go eat?" He suggested as he stood up and grabbed her hand.
"No, wait." She quietly objected, "There's something I've been meaning to give you." She stated walking over to her small trunk.
The captain watched with curiosity. Emma never went near her trunk for much anymore considering she spread all her belonging throughout his ship, so whatever she had in there must have been of some value for it not to be lying around.
She continued to rummage through, finally pulling out a small object attached to a chain necklace, "It use to belong to my grandmother." She said hanging it over to him.
Killian took the object and found it to be a small compass with a large crack on the glass. It wasn't that he wasn't grateful for a gift, but what could he possibly do with a broken compass? As a pirate, he had many, and none that were damaged. He tried to hide the dissatisfaction on his face and smiled at his princess, "Queen Ava had a compass?"
Emma laughed, "Oh no. That belonged to my other grandmother." She explained, wrapping her hands around his arm, "On my father's side. Her name was Ruth, but she's long gone now."
He placed a quick kiss on the side of her, "Sorry about your loss, love. But I can't take this if it is the only thing you have of hers." He said, trying to return the compass.
The princess shook her head, "No, please. Take it." She pushed, "Right before she passed, she gave this to me and told me it would always keep me safe." She paused before stepping away and releasing a heavy sigh, "After seeing you almost die, I rather you have it to, keep safe."
The captain gave her a weak smile. He had forgotten about his near-death experience and how it must have affected her. "Well then I surely can't take the one thing keeping you safe." He continued to protest with a small laugh, "You know I'm quite good a surviving."
"Please just keep it." She responded all too seriously, "My safety is ensured by so many people already, yours isn't. " She said with watery eyes, "I can't imagine what would've happened if I lost you." She paused, "It may be nothing more than a broken compass, but it has kept me safe, and now I want you to have it, please."
He looked at her with such admiration at that moment. She was never one to believe in such superstitions let alone be attached to an object. He placed the small compass in his pocket and pulled her in for a long hug, "In that case, it shall never leave my side from this moment forward."
She let out a laugh and wiped her face. Feeling oddly exhausted, she sat back on the bed, followed by her favorite captain. "I know it seems silly, but Grandma Ruth lived her life on superstition. My father absolutely hated it." She said, giving a playful eye roll.
Killian smiled, "As a seafaring man, we don't take superstitions lightly either." He nudged her, "You've never spoken of this grandmother before."
"She always said she wasn't one for a palace life." Emma smiled at the memory, "Grandma Ruth wanted to stay on my father's farm as long as possible, but unfortunately, it was quite a ways away from our castle so she rarely came by." She explained, "But she was the sweetest woman I ever met and believed in love more than anyone I've ever known."
"Even your parents?" He asked wittingly, knowing they preached about love more than anyone he has come across.
"Yes." The princess laughed, "Nobody loved love more than her." She responded, leaning her head on the captain's shoulder, "She even uses to tell me that compass could lead you to the person you love most."
Killian dug back in his pocket pulling to compass back out, "Well, I'll gladly test that theory." He teased, holding the compass up. Soon enough the red arrow pointed to Emma and they both laughed, "Your grandmother was a smart woman."
She smiled as he put the compass back in his pocket, "Indeed."
"If you don't mind me asking, how did she pass?" The captain asked cautiously.
"My father always says she worked herself to death on that farm." Emma responded, looking down, "He blames himself at times for not dragging her to the castle to be waited on, but she was never one for royal life and she could never part with the farm."
"How come?" The captain pushed.
The princess let out a scoff, "It was the last thing her husband left her with." She said unapologetically.
Killian took note of how his princess didn't refer to the man as her grandfather, "A bad man I take it?"
"He was nothing more than a drunk." She responded with a bit of hatred, "That man left my grandmother and my father, as a boy, and drank all their money away." She stated caused the captain to gulp down his emotions. Killian was more than aware he could be a drunk at times, "He was so drunk he drove their cart off the road and never returned home."
"A loss is a loss, Swan." He said, rubbing her back, "My sincerest condolences."
Emma nodded her head in response. She really couldn't miss a man she never met, let alone a man who hurt her father and grandmother... "Enough about this." She said standing up and offering her hand with a smile, "I'm starving."
The captain chuckled and quickly followed. He was glad she had returned to her old self. He never ceased to be amazed by her and every day he learned something new about her. There wasn't a thing he didn't want to know about the Princess of Misthaven and he loved that she was more than willing to share. However, he wished he could say the same about himself... She told him everything and he still couldn't bring himself to tell her of her parent's secret. A secret she had a right to know. She was wanted by another vile king who wanted her magic. She was safe for a long time until her mother became pregnant and now she's far from safe, especially if she retunes home.