Listening to Buck writhe in pain wasnt convincing you that his bullet felt like much more than a stupid scratch. You kept his head propped up on your lap as Sam tied a tight tourniquet from the first aid kit above the wound on his leg, trying to slow the bleeding. Nat had been working on dislodging the bullet when Sam encouraged her into the cockpit. He was never a pilot for anything but his wings, but with his combat training, he knew how to deal with the basics of a gunshot wound. It really was such a juxtaposition to see yourselves around the avengers. You seemed helpless out here where every misstep they made was handled with grace as if it had always been a part of their stride. You pushed the short hair on the edge of Buck's sweating forehead out of the way trying your best to soothe him in any way you can. Madame fuck face had been practically zip-tied to the inside of the quinjet with some very heavy-duty-looking metal chains and probably an excessive amount of binding.
"Shh, I got you baby." You cooed helplessly into his ear letting the tips of your fingers trace the glistening sweat on his forehead. You had nothing at all but your tortuously hurt boyfriend in your lap but you were trying to do at least the bare minimum. You couldn't look at Sam, the way his gloved fingers kept going into James' leg and coming out covered in more and more blood. Bucky was trying not to scream or holler as to not scare you which you knew, and it just made you feel worse. You tried to ignore it as best you could until you couldn't anymore. Sam had lifted a bottle of rubbing alcohol and haphazardly poured it over a pair of forceps he'd pulled from the bag. He didn't wait for them to dry or even finish letting them drip when he plunged them into the hole in Bucky's thigh. Buckys metal arm reached down and grabbed the side of the bench seat he was on and his grip went so strong he'd left a handprint in it like it was wet cement. "Baby, if you need to scream you scream." He tried giving you a small apologetic grin but you rolled your eyes when it turned into a scream, Sam had apparently thought he had a hold on the bullet with those forceps, turns out he'd clamped down on a bit of Bucky's flesh. You hadn't left Bucky's side until arriving back on the hill, you'd been encouraged by Dr. Klien that they had everything under control. Bucky was going to have to go under for the removal, with his strength and the way he was wiggling it was making it impossible to get the bullet out, plus there was no need for him to be in pain, even if it was tolerable.
You made your way back to Bucky's place, you'd let your emotions get the worst of you over the last few weeks. Both apartments had been neglected and abused. You hadn't spent much time here other than to change and make your way back to where they were holding your soldier so the place was disheveled. The dishes in his room piled as did the laundry. Pillowcases were stale and stained with layers of tears, the blanket still smelt like the concrete floor you'd found yourself sleeping on. You started stripping the linens letting them pile on the floor as you turned the mattress, it was probably pointless but it was keeping you busy enough to keep from worrying about him. You stuffed the clothes in the basket along with the sheets wheeling them down to the laundry room. You decided to use your soap so that when Bucky was ready to come home maybe he could take the comfort in your scent the way you'd taken comfort in his. You filled 5 machines by the time you'd gathered everything from both rooms. Blankets, towels, sheets, hoodies and practically every t-shirt Bucky had owned. You started washing the dishes that overfilled the small single sink in the basic kitchen area, having to dry them as you cleaned them since the surfaces were just filled with more dirty dishes. You rolled your eyes at how careless you had been. You'd spent so long feeling sorry for yourself, trying to stay on top of taking care of him you had completely forgotten how to care or yourself. You were vacuuming the rug of the dust bunnies letting your mind wander back to the interaction at the diner. Veronica tried to kill him just because she could. You wanted to feel like these things would change now that she was locked up but just like Bucky said, they'll never stop. As long as that serum was running through his veins he was going to be a target or an asset. Looking around the small apartment, the home you'd made with him in the short period of time you'd known and loved him there was little else in the world that really truly mattered.
It had been hours and you decided there was no use wiping the counter off for the fifth time, it was as clean as it could be but being unable to sit still was getting to you. You made your way out of the hall and back to the hill. You walked with such tunnel vision that the faces you passed blurred in your mind. They weren't Bucky's face and that's the only one you wanted to see right now. Luckily your ears were still working, you stumbled for a moment thinking your mind was playing a trick on you but you thought you'd heard someone calling your name.
"Hey." You greeted confused by her presence.
"Hey, can uh we talk?" She asked rubbing one of her palms over her arm. You stepped back leading her to a small quiet corridor.
"What's going on? Is Buck-" You asked worried now. She interrupted you quickly.
"Oh, I don't know about- I wasn't in med bay I just wanted to talk with you."
"About?"
"I just, I know you must know about Bucky and I." You shook your head confirming. It didn't feel boastful or malicious, she really did just want to talk. "I wanted to tell you my side of the story."
"I don't think that's ne-"
"I don't think you and I are going to be friends that's not what this is," She said it almost as an apology. "-and I'm not trying to undermine him but I know him more than he would care to admit. I know him so well that I know he loves you more right now than he ever loved me." Your mind went quiet as you listened to her. You weren't expecting this at all, it almost left you slightly shocked. "For a really long time, Bucky thought I was his only chance at happiness. I know he didn't mean to do it, and he'd never admit it, but that puts a lot of pressure on a woman. He was protective and I'm sure you still get glimpses of that." You smiled and shook your head at her, protective was a good word to describe your soldier.
"It's one of his best attributes." You weren't a fan of the temper that came along with it sometimes, but he made you feel safe.
"I couldn't handle the pressure of my job and loving him. He doesn't want this anymore though," She gestured around her, referring to the hill the entirety of Stark Industries, the Avengers. "-he's done saving the world." You watched her eyes fade out behind you as he mind traveled back in time. "I was cold to him, a lot of the times he needed to be cared for, I put the job in front of him. He loves helping people but he wants a partner more than anything. I work alone."
"Nat, I don't understand why you're telling me this." You watched and thought you were imagining it when the tears started gathering in her eyes.
"I wish I could have been that for him, I couldn't it just wasnt in me. I was always ready to walk away no matter how much he wanted me to stay." You could see her choking on her words as she was trying to keep her tears in her eyes. "You have given him something no one thought was ever possible, you gave him a home. He just wants to go home, it's all he's wanted for 90 years."
"He's everything to me, Nat. He's my home too. I'm just still so scared."
"You've broken the soldier, you're it for him. You're everything he always wanted me to be." You looked down at your hands unsure as to where the conversation was going but feeling a little insecure. "You can take this as his ex, or maybe as someone who was also his best friend for a long time, but this is your "please don't break his heart or I'll break you" speech. I don't know you, but you already seem better than the rest of us." You both laughed letting that roll over you. Black Widow was just threatening to beat you up. "I know he's been through a lot but if you leave him it might really break him."
"I will be around as long as he will let me be."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you made it up to the med bay your head was spinning with Nat's words. You could take Bucky away from it all. You weren't made of money but now that you knew the attacks on your office were out of the Natural's boredom and not your occupation you could go home, you could sell the house. Go on the run, find a quiet suburb to settle in, buy an apartment on the lower east side. Whatever he wanted, wherever he wanted, that's where you wanted to be. Your eyes landed on Bucky's room, he was sleeping in the bulky plastic bed. Even after having been taken prisoner of his own mind and being shot he was effortlessly beautiful as he lie recovering. You tiptoed in taking a seat in the chair next to the bed. It hadn't occurred to you to bring your datapad or a book so you were sitting picking at your cuticles trying to remind your wandering mind to keep calm. It felt like hours had passed and your body had almost begun to daze into unconsciousness when a single word broke you from your sleepy state.
"Doll." A scruffy sounding James calling you by the pet name that had become as common to you as your given name. You couldn't fight the small smirk that rose to your cheeks hearing him call out for you. You were roused from your chair pulling yourself to stand at his bedside. His hand in yours you felt the warmth of the love you held for him in the depths of your soul wash out to cover you both.
"Hi, baby." You smiled down at him. He pulled on your hand scooting his body to one side of the bed.
"Come lay with me."
"No, James you need your rest. I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't hurt me, but you will hurt my feelings if you don't get up here and let me hold you." He was giving you that shit-eating grin that got you into trouble one too many times.
"Fine, but if the doctor gets mad-"
"Shh, just let me hold you." You carefully crawled up next to him curling into his chest avoiding any contact with his leg. He swung the blanket over your body filling you with a closeness you'd been craving since the night he left.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm so much better now," He said rubbing up and down your back. "I needed you, more than anything else."
"James" you said letting your voice crack slightly. Trying your best to stop the tears you took a moment to swallow as much emotion as you could. "Don't leave me again, please."
"I told you doll, as much as I want to promise you that I won't I can't do that. Not with my job-"
"So quit your job." You said quickly interrupting him.
"what?"
"Quit your job, and we can move, if you want. I have some savings, I'll sell the house."
"Doll," He stopped your fever dream. "I can't stop being a super-soldier."
"I'm not asking you to take off your arm and play white wolf again, I just, think that maybe we could have a home without all of this."
"It's who I am, doll." His defensive tone threw you off. "I, are you not happy with how our lives are now?"
"Bucky I love you, but no I don't love you leaving me for hours, days, weeks, being kidnapped or brainwashed."
"I know but it's not always like this." He gestured at the bed you were both laying in.
"I haven't been here long, James but it seems like it's like this a lot."
"I have to stay here, I owe-"
"You don't owe anyone anything, you owe yourself a chance to be happy." You could see the irritation rolling off of him in exhausting waves.
"You don't understand."
"Well then explain it to me!"
"I can't!" He yelled, your body scurried away from him, he'd never yelled at you that way, even when he was accusing you of murder and it shook you to the core. "I can't explain it to you, because then I will have to tell you things I'd rather pretend you don't know about me."
"I read your file, I told you that. There's nothing you could say that would,-"
"You saw it on paper, you didn't see it in me. You don't know him."
"I love him." You stated plainly looking up at him. His eyes widened not expecting your response. Your heartbeat sped up in your chest but you felt conviction in your words knowing every ounce of your feelings were real and true. "He's done avenging. You're done." You said letting your hand fall onto the center of his chest. You could see the tears welling in his eyes and it caused the ones in your eyes to fall down your face.
"Doll, I-"
"We don't have to keep being the people we were, Buck. We can start over again, and again until we are happy, we deserve to be happy."
"I love you so much, doll." You could feel the sincerity in his voice and it made your heart flutter.
"I love-" You started to respond but he cut you off.
"I think you should go."