Start Again

Step 18

Logging into the FBU system you were able to track him down to an area just inside the city before your access became limited. As one of many last resorts, you called the agent at the FBU that had taken over his case a few months back.

"He's gone into the city but after that, no one has been able to find him."

"I really can't discuss him with you. This is way above your paygrade."

"Look, I don't need his information. I don't want to know about his piss results or whatever it is you two talk about. I just want to find him. I'm not calling in a professional capacity but he ran away. I know that you know where he is otherwise there would be a warrant out for his arrest. Since I've scanned those and have found no results under any of his real or code names I know that you haven't put one out yet. SO, either you know where he is and aren't telling me, or you're not doing your fucking job." Sure being mean probably wasnt your best idea but at this point, you'd been through just about every other stage of grief possible. So anger it was. You were given the answer you were expecting then the line went dead leaving nothing but an empty dial tone.

"So I'm guessing that didn't get you very far?"

"Well, what the hell am I supposed to do kiss her ass?"

"You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, doll." Sam let out a little huff of a laugh.

"I'm so glad you find this funny."

"I've been through a lot worse than this, I don't think it's funny but I have to find humor in good and bad."

"Sam, what if Nat can't-"

"She can."

"What if he doesn't-"

"He will."

"You don't know that. None of you know that. You act like a big fucking family but you're all so screwed up you can't even keep each other around. Are we really going to ignore everything that Wanda just went through like it wasn't international news? You don't care about one another you just fight the fight together and then fuck off."

"We care, maybe not the way you can see. Or the way you want us to, but we do. I think you should get some rest. Your brain must still be scrambled if you're thinking like that." He was annoyed, not giving into your sour mood. You wanted to say sorry, tell him you didn't mean it but you were angry and you couldn't be mad at Bucky because you didn't know if you were ever going to see him again. So Sam's proximity and kindness got the asshole side of you that you wanted to throw at James. It was bullshit but it was too much for you to be sorry for right now, because in some stupid fucked twisted way it made you feel better. You walked through the hill trying not to punch everyone in the face, making your way home.

You felt yourself collapse to the ground. You were walking around in circles trying to make sense of it all. What bothered you more than anything else was the blatant nonchalance that surrounded the entire ordeal. Bucky was going to practically wipe himself out of assistance and no one gave a shit. You were the only one who cared he was gone. You tried giving Sam every excuse in the book to let you go out and find him yourself but he was convinced that you were still in some kind of danger and was refusing to let you leave the hill. You were a sitting duck and it was utter and complete hell. You were the only one up in arms about his runaway. This group of misfits was falling apart without Tony and Steve. Life went on in the hill like any other day and your entire world was crashing all over again. You really did think you had started something new,  something real with Bucky, but it was taken from you without the chance to get it back yourself.

You were in Bucky's apartment surrounded by every part of him he left here. You would live and die in this room if he would just come back. Your hands were shaking and the comfort in the familiarity around you started breaking. Everything safe creating nothing but discomfort, it didn't seem fair the way he was doing this without you. The outer shell you were trying to keep thick and uncracked gave in under pressure. The fragments of armor fell off and you let your body slump until your tears puddled on the floor. You were sitting on your ankles gasping for breath trying your best to keep from working yourself up into hyperventilation. Your air wasn't filling your lungs fast enough and suddenly you felt light-headed, your mind went blank. You let out a loud huff of air before laying down on the rug. You were just going to rest your eyes just for a moment.