A/N: Flashbacks are in italics 😊
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Nikki's POV, 10th November 1988
5 days since Brandi gatecrashed my life and it's been as bad as I predicted, I think she's spent about $15,000 dollars of my money in that short amount of time... don't get me started on the clothes that Doc brought over, she's got boxes on top of boxes of designer shoes and clothes I mean honestly, everything she owned must have cost no less a grand, it was genuinely shocking to me how someone can be so in love with materialistic items.
Materialistic items aren't important, it's the sentimental ones that mean the most- even after all the shit I've been though I know that much. Just because I'm not overly sentimental with a lot of things doesn't mean I don't know that memories and events are more important than a pair of high heel shoes or a jacket.
I've tried to get my card off her but she won't let me have it back, I told Doc and he said if she doesn't give it back by the end of the week then he'd intervene- the end of the week, she could spend thousands more in that time- I don't earn money so it can be spent on pointless shit that's only going to get used once.
Also, the news of Brandi and I's 'engagement' has been made public by Doc four days ago and I'm not enjoying the media attention at all... I've had about 10 phone calls today alone so far about interviews from MTV, Rolling Stone, Kerrang!.. and like a million other magazines and TV stations.
I've denied all of them, Brandi though is more than happy to go to them alone, I tried to stop her but she rang Doc and he basically said that someone has to talk about our 'relationship'... there's was no way in hell that was gonna be me.
I didn't want people to think I wanted this, especially Vince- he hasn't spoken to me and Mick nor Tommy have heard from him since a recording session we had 3 days ago, we had one yesterday too which Vince skipped, he rang the studio and told Doug he wasn't coming in.
It worried me, I didn't say anything though... not wanting to anger Doc. On my way home I was debating going and visiting Vince, though I ultimately decided against that decision... he doesn't want to see me outside the band, he made that clear.
At this moment I was trying to find something to wear today but nothing looked good to me, I'd spent the last 5 minutes digging through my drawers and now I've moved onto my wardrobe which is also now housing a couple of Brandi's dresses- I hadn't approved this I just found them in there, and there was no point in arguing with her she'd go running to Doc then I'd get bitched at for being an asshole.
There were Vince's shirts and stuff still hanging up in here because as I said he hasn't come back for anything, I haven't gone over to his place to get any of my stuff either so I guess we both have the others clothes, he's probably got rid of mine though by now- Vince seems to hate anything related to me.
As I was looking through my wardrobe, Brandi was being a nosy bitch and rummaging through the drawers around the room, I was just leaving her to it.
The room was silent, only having the sound of various items moving from Brandi's direction and the odd sound of a coat hanger moving and knocking against other coat hangers from me.
The silence didn't last very long though as the annoying voice of Brandi soon cut through the air "I thought you said you didn't have a ring"
My eyes moved from where I was standing looking for appropriate clothes over to the woman who was now looking through my bedside drawer "I don't" I stated disinterested raising an eyebrow.
"What's this then? Is it for me... it's not really my colour but I'll take it" She asked holding up the black band which I was meant to have given to Vince.
Seeing her with it made me incredibly angry for some reason. It wasn't hers, how dare she assume it's hers.
"Put that down, now... that's not meant for you" I said darkly, abandoning the search for a shirt slowly stalking my way over to the woman.
She looked at me confused it then it clicked in her mind and her mouth formed an 'o' of realisation "Ah, this was meant for your little blonde fuck buddy, am I right?"
I glare at her clenching my jaw wanting to just make her vanish, right now, I'm more than happy to make that happen "Don't call him that"
"Why not? It's what he was wasn't it?"
"You don't fucking know anything about me and Vince, we were in love with each other which is more than can be said for you and me! He was everything to me! He still is! He'll mean more to me than you ever will, so put that down and get the fuck out of this room"
She looked at the ring then back at me shaking her head "No, I don't think I will... I need a ring and for now this will do, you don't mind do you? Thanks" she said without giving me a chance to speak, sliding it onto her finger, rubbing it in my face by placing a kiss on my cheek.
It made me want to fucking burn off my face and I'm not even kidding.
She then looked at me quizzically "Why'd you even buy it for him? People like you can't get married"
Her comment probably got to me more than it should have because before I knew it I had her pinned against the wall with my arm pressing onto her neck "You don't say another word, understand?" I snarl at her giving her the most hateful look I could... it just pissed me off, she couldn't even use Vince's name... I'm fed up of getting discriminated for being gay by Doc and especially this bitch I'm currently calling a fiancée "I brought it because I love him, I love Vince more than I'll ever, ever love you. We don't need to get married, that's not the point... I'd explain it to you but you're too air headed to understand what love is, you think love is a bank card and shoes. Say another word against Vince and I'll fuck you up, I don't care if you're a woman it makes no difference to me. Get the fuck outta here."
Brandi's eyes were wide as she gazes at me with fear in her eyes at how serious I was, I'd normally feel bad for threatening a chick but with her? Nah, after that- I can't.
The woman nodded whimpering slightly as she did so, I nodded once back and released my arm from her neck letting her run out of the room and downstairs.
I hate her. Words can't even describe that enough.
As I'm left alone in what used to be Vince and I's bedroom, angry tears filled my eyes feeling so fucking miserable, I was boxed into a corner being forced to marry a woman I despised more than anything, I think the hate I have for Brandi borders with that of my mom. And that's seriously saying something.
I walk over to the bed and sit down on the edge placing my head in my hands trying not to lose it, not just to keep my cool with Brandi but from giving into the ever growing temptation to stick a needle into my arm, my mind in a desperate attempt to silence that temptation retreats to my many memories with Vince, settling on one in particular.
The night Vince and I first slept together.
It wasn't a planned event... I'd had a shitty day, my mom had turned up out of the blue and gave me a round of her usual bullshit, we argued like normal and I stormed off- I'd walked around aimlessly the city we were in for an hour or so before heading into the tour bus and just sat thinking.
That's when Vince came in and joined me, we sat and chatted... I kissed him and one thing rapidly led to another.
Fuck Deana. She always turns up when I least expect it to fuck me over. Again. To beg for money. Again.
That's all she's wanted from me for the last year. Money so she can buy alcohol. Fuck her.
She literally tracked us down and found out the hotel we were staying at just to ask me for money, what a cunt, I always end up trying to give her another chance... I always do... maybe a part of me wants to think she can change, that she can care about me, but she never does. It tears me apart every time.
The second she asked me for money I lashed out at her, not wanting to hear anymore- I was seconds away from beating her ass into the ground... it was at that point I decided to get the fuck out of there before I could do anything I'd regret, I ended out heading to the tour bus to cool off and I'm still here now, I've been here for about 15 minutes now.
Doc was here when I came over, he asked me what was wrong seeing I was obviously pissed off but I snapped at him to leave it and stay out of my business telling him to fuck off and leave me alone. He listened to me and gave me an hour and a half here by myself before he'd come back and lock up the vehicle ready for our trip to the next city tomorrow.
I'd cooled off almost completely by now, I didn't particularly want to face anyone at the moment though, whether that be someone I knew or a stranger... I decided I'd just stay here until Doc came back and kick me off sending me back to the hotel where the other guys are.
My eyes were fixed on the empty seat opposite to me as well as the window with me getting lost in trying to order my thoughts, seeing Deana always re-awakens a lot of my issues, mainly the memories of abuse and my abandonment issues both of which constantly dictate me behind the scenes.
I was alone for a few more minutes but then I wasn't, I heard the door at the front of the bus open and footsteps make their way up the few steps from the door onto to the actual bus.
Out of the corner of my eye I see whoever it was come into my field of vision, briefly I flash a smile in that direction to see it was Vince, he wore an expression of total genuine concern as he cautiously moved closer towards me like I'd snap at him at any moment for invading my space, to give him some assurance we were cool I just offer him a slightly larger but still small half assed smile.
Although the gesture was not a lot, it gives him enough confidence to come all the way over to me, sliding himself into the bench across from me- he sent his own half assed smile back.
A minute or so of silence passed before Vince sighed and looked out of the window I myself had been very interested in just seconds ago "I-... I er... I saw what happened... with your mom I mean... I'm sorry man"
"Ain't your fault, Vinnie" I sighed.
"No, but still... I'm sorry you had to put up with her"
A bitter laugh emerged from my throat at that "Me too, y'know she asked me for money? She came here not to check on me, not to see if I'm alright, not to care... she came here to and me for ten thousand dollars... I can't fucking understand that bitch, she never gave a shit about me, never loved me, let me get beat to shit while she sat and drank herself silly and she has the audacity to come here and ask me for money like she deserves it after what she did to me" I growled digging my nails into the wooden surface of the table to try and suppress the anger I was fighting back, all the frustration I felt twenty minutes ago hitting me full force again out of nowhere.
My eyes fixate themselves onto a tree outside as I try and keep my cool, and they remain there until I feel a hand slowly and carefully slid itself over my own- my head snapped around to see Vince smiling nervously at me, not knowing whether I'd react well or not to the contact, and yeah, if it was anyone else I would have lost it.
But this is Vince. I couldn't lose it with him, I've fallen for him way too far for that.
Instead of getting angry like the singer obviously expected I just flipped my hand over and grabbed his hand in return an action which had shocked the man a little, that shock faded rather quickly though and he just held my hand with a little more confidence "You have every right to be angry at her, she's never deserved you Nikki... you're too good for her, never forget that"
"It's hard though, I want to think I'm better than her... but when you look at me properly, am I? I have an alcohol problem just like her, I have a drug problem just like her... maybe I'm not as different from her as I like to think I am"
"Sixx, you're nothing like her... nothing at all... trust me, I know you and you are nothing like that worthless bitch... you're a good person which is less than can be said about her"
"Are you sure about that?"
Vince nodded "Yeah, yeah I'm sure about that... you know what's right and what's wrong- think what you want of yourself Nikki but just know that I'm proud of you for rising above how Deana treated you, you're the most incredible person I've ever met and I mean that from the bottom of my heart"
Hearing Vince say that means a lot... it means more knowing he means it- this man was too good for me and that's a fact. Vin's words did cause a wave of emotion hit me reminding me just how much I'm in love with him- which is a shit tonne.
"I'm glad you see it Vin... cause I don't. I don't get why she can't just leave me alone, I don't want to be reminded of what she did to me, I just want to move on from my past but I can't... she always stops me... whenever I see her-" I choke cutting myself off, taking a deep breath before starting again "Whenever I see her, Vin I can't help but think she's gonna hurt me or one of her dumbass boyfriends is gonna come out of nowhere and beat me like they used to... I can't do that again... I can't go through that again"
"You won't" Vince murmurs sounding as heartbroken as I felt "Nikki, I swear to you... she ain't ever gonna hurt you again, nobody is... you're here now, no one can take this from you... I'll always be here for you, you know that right? You're here with me and you'll always have me, alright? Don't think about that bitch, she's not worth it"
The things I felt for Vince right now were actually scaring me, I didn't know what this feeling was but whatever it was, no matter how scary, I didn't want it to end, I wanted more.
I've always been able to rely on Vinnie and it means more than he'll ever understand.
In a mix of gratitude, lust and raw and simple love I got up and stood in the aisle of the bus staring Vince down, reaching and pulling him slowly over to me, when he was sat right at the end of his bench I pulled him out and in front of me, the singer actually looked a little apprehensive like he knew what I was going to do but didn't want to give his hopes up about it.
"Nikki-" the man began but I just raised a hand and placed a finger gently against his lips indicating to him to stay quiet, he gave a simple nod in reply and I dropped my hand from his lips and placed said said on his waist, placing my other hand on his other side, smiling timidly at the blonde knowing this has been a long time coming.
Slowly then I began to lean towards Vince and he does the same back to me, eventually letting out lips collide, Vin's left hand immediately tangled itself into my hair as he deepened the kiss considerably, as he did that I pulled him closer to me pushing him against a nearby wall and going to unbuckle his belt, he groans in satisfaction but then he froze and pulled away "No, wait-... what about Tommy and Mick?"
"They're on the hotel, they won't come back, if we're quiet nobody will know we're here"
"We'll get locked in"
"No, we won't... we have about 45 minutes until Doc comes to lock up, I told him I was in here wallowing in self pity, he let me have an hour and a half here by myself, so we have plenty of time to fuck- if he wants to know why you're here we can just say the shortened truth, you found me here and we just hung out... now, just relax and let me take care of you"
The blonde thought for a moment before smirking "Fine... but if we get caught it's on you, Sixx"
"Fine by me... but we won't, now get your ass in the back where nobody can see us" I mutter pushing him towards the back of the bus pushing him against the wall pulling off his belt, kissing him deeply.
This was going to be a night to remember and the start of something incredibly incredibly special.
I was right, it was the start of something special, special is even an understatement, words can't even describe what Vince and I's relationship meant to me.
None of this was ever meant to have happened... I was meant to be with Vince for the rest of my life, that's what I planned, I didn't plan being paraded around by Doc McGee on a leash with him controlling my every move, controlling who I'm to be seen with.
I don't know how much more of Brandi and Doc's bullshit I can take. I need Vince back if I want to stay clean... what do I do? What the fuck do I do?
There's no good way out of this, either way Vince gets hurt- he's either going to see me marry Brandi or he's going to get slammed in the press for being gay.
I've never felt this trapped before, I hate the feeling of being trapped, especially when it comes to being trapped over love, everyone deserves to be happy, everyone deserves to be loved... so when I fall in love with another man it's suddenly frowned upon because we're the same gender, fuck that.
Why can't Doc just accept I'm not straight, I'm not like him.
He's ruined everything for me, Doc keeps saying how he doesn't want me to slip back into drugs but it's okay for him, he doesn't have the emotional trauma I have, he doesn't have more mental issues than he can count, he's simply just not fucked up- I think he doesn't understand that just because Vince and I are gay that we are capable of loving each other like a 'straight' couple, I don't get it- really I don't, he's doing this just to be cruel there's no other reason for it.
Brandi doesn't care either, she's getting a fat stack of cash for this... I don't know how he's paying her but I'm assuming it's probably in instalments- top up payments every few months is what I can gather, as long as she gets her money and her name plastered everywhere she doesn't care about me or how much I'm struggling with my inner demons.
I'm keeping her as far away as I can from my work life, I'm keeping her far away form all the recording sessions and hopefully I can keep her away from the tour when that happens, I pray to god she doesn't want to come with me. I just realised as well how awkward the tour for the album is gonna be... I know it's months off yet but Doc's already talking about it and it's going to be totally unbearable, it's bad enough now in the studio but being stuck with each other for months might not end well. Vince and I will have to act like nothings wrong when we're out there and that's gonna be hard because I know any smiles he gives me on stage will be fake, as soon as we're off stage he'll blank me again like he does every time I see him now.
This just gets better and better.
I was slowly but surely slipping into a less than healthy state of mind... I've had to call my drugs councillor probably a dozen times in the last 10 days, and that's on the increase, especially since Brandi got here... I'm on the phone with him pretty much everyday telling him truth that Doc's set me up with someone I hate and it's making me miserable.
I still haven't said about Vince and never will, unless by some miracle we start talking again and with how he is with me now that's definitely what it will take.
Hopefully for the shows for the tour I might be able to make it easier by trying to trick myself into thinking everything's fine, act like Vince doesn't want to beat me into the ground, it'll hurt more when I get off stage but that's okay, I just wanted a little bit of time to forget about the hole I'm in right now, just a couple of hours of blissful ignorance where I can pretend Vince is still mine before I ruined everything.
Between now and then though it's getting through the recording sessions and relying on my drugs councillor more than I ever thought I would need too.
Save me from this, someone... anyone... as if begging is gonna do anything, I did this to myself. I made this life for myself, now... well now, I'm living with the consequences.
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