"One more try, just think of something really strong. Your happiest memory," said Dumbledore as he encouraged her to try again.
It was three weeks later, the last Saturday of her first term at Hogwarts, and Jessica was in Dumbledores office having her last private lesson before Christmas.
Jessica closed her eyes and focused hard on a memory where she and her family were out on the swing bench in the back garden. It was a sunny day, and they were all outside, her dad reading to them all as they sat there with the birds tweeting. It was a simple memory, but one of her best.
"Expecto Patronum!" she declared and a bluish-white light appeared out from her wand. Something like liquid dust appeared in front of her, forming into a shape. It resembled what appeared to be a black swan, and then vanished.
"Closest one yet," said Dumbledore, stroking his silver beard and smiling in his ruby embellished robes, "I think that's enough for today. Keep practising and you should get it by January."
Jessica, frustrated with herself that she hadn't been able to cast a full Patronus yet, tucked her wand into the leather belt of her black dress and combed her hair with her hands. There was something she needed to get off her chest before leaving Dumbledores office, and she hadn't quite found the timing to ask so far.
"My happiest memory is my family," Jessica spoke as she fiddled with a gold metal instrument that was on the centre table. She needed an in to their next conversation. "They haven't written to me all term. I feel like something is wrong. If possible Sir, I'd want to go home for Christmas."
Dumbledore walked over to his desk and adjusted a pile of books, giving her a caring look through his glasses. "Jessica you have done well this term, and I wish I could let you go home to your family, but I'm afraid that cannot happen. You are still under the protection of the Order."
"What about a visit then? Tonks or Kingsley could take me."
"Not until we find out-"
"Well, when will they find out? It's been about four and a half months!" Jessica questioned crossly as she walked over to join him, "I'm going to the Christmas Ball at Malfoy Manor and then I want to go home. It's Christmas!"
"I have allowed you to go to Malfoy Manor," said Dumbledore firmly, "that is risk enough."
"Okay, and where do I go when they want to drop me home?" Jessica asked sarcastically, "back to Grimmauld place so they can have tea and biscuits with Sirius and the Order?"
Dumbledore sat down on his chair. Jessica thought that he may have been considering her point. "Come back to Hogwarts, students stay here over Christmas all the time. I will send you to Grimmauld Place from here."
"And what about the other problem of oh yeah...them all hating me. Doesn't really make for a fun merry time for me does it?"
"They only hate their perception of you Jessica, not who you really are."
Once he started pulling out the wise quotes, there was no point arguing with Dumbledore. So, Jessica admitted defeat and concluded that she just going to have to accept that she was going to spend her first Christmas in the wizarding world in a house full of people who wouldn't even look her way. She huffed and sulked towards the door, and as she was not looking where she was going, she knocked into an ornate jewellery box sitting on a shelf and caused it to fall to the floor. It opened as it hit the ground, and at least 50 developed photographs and documents spilt out from it. Dumbledore was preoccupied with looking down into a bowl full of colourful sweets, so Jessica bent down to tidy them back in their place. When she picked up the first one, she was curious and turned it over to see what it was. Dumbledore had always known he was a wizard, so it was weird to her that he would have muggle pictures taken by a disposable camera.
When she turned it over she saw that it was a photo of two young girls in matching red dungarees, the younger one blonde, the other brunette. They were playing with a dolls house, similar to the one Jessica had back in her bedroom at home. Wait. No. It was exactly the one Jessica had in her bedroom at home. And she remembered those red dungarees. The more she looked closer, she realised it was a family photo of her and her sister when they were kids. She quickly flicked through more of the photos to confirm and indeed, all the photos were from an entire family album her mum had kept since Jessica was a baby. The documents were hers as well, such as her birth certificate, and other legal stuff her parents had to sign to do with her.
Dumbledore had gotten a hold of every documented memory of her life. But how?....and for what purpose?
"What are you doing with all this?" Jessica asked Dumbledore angrily, signalling the documents.
Dumbledore looked down at her on the floor. He showed no signs of surprise or concern as he chose his next words carefully. "Jessica please sit down, there is something you must know."
He had every picture, every document. She was holding her whole life in her hands right now. It's like she was a suspect in a crime, and the police team needed every detail about her to find clues to connect her to it. Or on the other hand, if she was needed to be in witness protection...and they needed to erase any evidence linking her to a particular location...
"Why have my parents really not been writing to me?" Jessica continued, starting to connect the dots, "do they even know I'm here?"
Dumbledore sighed, accepting that she wasn't going to sit down and listen as he had asked. "Jessica," he started to explain slowly, "on the night Arthur Weasley brought you into St Mungo's we knew this was a special case. I knew you had to stay with the Order and stay here for your protection but the people who did this to you and your aunt will not stop at just their targets. They will do anything. For your families protection, we had to-"
"What?" she pushed urgently, "you had to do what?"
"On that night you were in St Mungo's, I travelled to your parent's house and cast their minds free of your memory. You must understand if they have no memory of you they can't-"
"Fucking remember me!" Jessica exasperated. So this is why they hadn't written to her. All this time she had been worried about them whereas they were perfectly fine. They just didn't know she existed. "So what I don't have a mom and dad now?! You've technically made me an orphan?!"
"Their memories will be restored once everything is settled and we find it safe for you to return home," Dumbledore answered calmly.
"And how long is that going to take?!" Jessica asked with a sorrowful laugh, "Because the Order isn't anywhere close to solving it! Or is that a lie too?"
"These things take time," Dumbledore responded, "trust me Jessica, it is the safest thing for them. If they have no knowledge of you they can't be tortured for it."
It was hard to process this information when she hadn't seen her family in so long. She had gotten used to not hearing from them, and she no longer felt homesick as Hogwarts had become her home. It was a weird sort of feeling really, finding this out. They weren't dead, he hadn't removed them from her life forever, but she was still angry that this had been kept from her without her having a say in it. Very Angry.
"And what about me?" Jessica cried, "I've been doing everything you've asked. I've kept secrets, I joined the Inquisitorial Squad, I've got to the top of my class, I've gotten close with the Malfoys and the Slytherins, I've punished my classmates, I've...I've had my heart broken by having to walk away from friends and the one person I felt closest to here. All because I trusted you, trusted that doing the right thing would be a two-way street, and you've been lying to me this whole time! You've literally taken my family from me! What if I wanted to leave? You've practically made it so I have to stay here no matter what!"
"Jessica please sit down-"
"No, I will not sit down!" Jessica barked at him, "I'm leaving and I tell you now if you're even thinking of offering me one you can shove those sherbert lemons up your arse! They're disgusting!"
Having stated her piece, Jessica stormed out of the door and stomped down the circular staircase. Furious, she didn't even have a plan for her end destination. She just kept walking, the students coming into contact with her jumping out of her path to avoid getting into trouble. She briefly brushed shoulders with Ron and Hermione, who were in deep conversation coming out of the library, but her eyes remained forward. This whole time she had thought there was a chance of going home, but instead, she had been the victim of what she could only describe as a glamorised and extravagant kidnapping. The things she had done that she had not wanted to do...all for a hope based on lies.
She kept walking, almost at a running pace throughout the castle, but something stopped her in her tracks on the first floor. As she turned a corner following the fading sound of laughter, she saw a boy collapsed on the floor; battered, bruised and bleeding out onto the castle floor.
"Neville!" she cried as she rushed to his unconscious side. She picked up his head with her hands and rested it on her lap, her hands getting covered in the blood running from his cuts.
"Oh my god, what happened to you?"
He must have collapsed on the way back to the Gryffindor common room, he was still in his school uniform, which was required for all detentions. She couldn't believe that this was done by any member of the Inquisitorial Squad, none of them was capable of being this barbaric.
Though Crabbe and Goyle had said that they had Neville for detention tonight...
She tried whatever she could to help him and wake him up, administrating mouth to mouth to him and using her little bottle of perfume as an alternative smelling salt. It was a long shot, but she even tried some healing curses she had overheard Draco and Theo talking about. However, she only knew the enchantments and not the wand movements, so of course, nothing worked.
Jessica checked on the rest of his body to see where else he could be hurting, and found red circular marks around his wrists like he had been cuffed tightly. There was absolutely no scenario at Hogwarts she could think of that would require this, and she was completely flabbergasted.
How had anyone not noticed this before now?
Shit. What if Draco had given Crabbe and Goyle the same talk he had with her and they had taken him seriously? After all, they were stupid and brutish enough to do so. But where would they get the equipment to handcuff him? Surely Umbridge would regulate the use of such a weapon.
As if poetically ironic, Fred and Harry walked around the corner at this very moment, laughing about 'investments' and Ron's goalkeeping skills. Harry looked worse for wear, his black hair far messier than usual and his green eyes clanging to multiple dark bags. Immediately their eyes fell to Neville just like hers had done, but then they rose in accusation at her, her hands covered in blood and him on her knees.
She began explaining immediately, not wanting any accusations to enter their head because she knew that she wouldn't stand a chance at being innocent in their eyes as soon as they did.
"This is not what it looks like, I didn't do it," she pleaded, perhaps too eagerly out of desperation, "I found him like this. Crabbe and Goyle must've-"
"Just shut up," said Harry, "we all know you're allowed to do it so you don't have to blame it on others."
"No I'm being serious," she continued, "I was just walking down here and-" she lifted her wand to press against Neville's forehead as she suddenly remembered a spell to stop the blood pouring out, but it was thrown out of her hands. Harry had cast 'expelliamus' at her and her wand landed just by the courtyard.
"Haven't you done enough to him?" Harry argued.
"I didn't do it," Jessica insisted, "I'm trying to help him, you idiot."
"And you think we're going to believe that?" Fred asked. Compared to Harry, he looked cleaned up. He was in a dark blue striped dress shirt which complimented his bright hair, and the rest of him was so smart that it would've made Jessica suspicious if she wasn't already terribly worried about Neville.
"I didn't know this was happening alright! I didn't know it had got this bad!" she said shakily, looking down once again at Neville's beaten face. It was truly a frightening sight to see in a school.
"Well everyone else does!" Harry told her boldly, "we know, Neville knows, McGonagall knows, everyone knows! So what, are you just ignorant?"
Jessica rolled her eyes at his assumption and reached over on her knees to try and pick up her wand whilst keeping Neville sat upon her body. When it was whisked away, she almost had it, Fred calling 'Accio wand' and bringing her wand to his hands.
Jessica was not one to take too kindly to people taking her things without permission. Especially given that she had just found out that Dumbledore had stolen some of her most private family possessions. Putting Neville's well-being first, she lifted his weight off of her and rested him against the wall, sitting him up straight to help with the bleeding. Once sure that he was good to be left for a minute, she got up off of the floor and stormed towards Fred. Her black dress was now spattered red with droplets of Neville's blood.
She went to snatch her wand out of Fred's hands but he lifted his arm in the air. She jumped to grab it, but the height difference made it an awfully difficult task.
"Fred Weasley you will give me my wand, or I'll, I'll..."
"What? Tag team with Malfoy to make me like Neville?" he asked venomously down to her. "I'd like to see you both try."
Jessica said nothing, she had had enough. The anger from them always thinking the worst of her and Dumbledore's lies was finally bringing her to what felt like a breaking point. She did not have the effort to be democratic anymore.
"Maybe I'll hit you with two bludgers," she said slyly, tilting her head mockingly towards Fred, "I heard you find that an acceptable response to a situation that angers you."
"I apologised for that," Fred stated.
"You and George apologised in a written letter that Umbridge made you both write," Jessica hissed, "that was not an apology I'm going to accept."
"Why am I not surprised," said Fred, "us not being good enough for the Wicked Witch Of The West."
Jessica took a step back and Fred's eyes flickered in the realisation that he had just let something private slip out. "You read the book?" she asked, her lips quivering subtly.
Fred stuck his head forward towards her, committed to staying vengeful. "Of course I read the damn book. Had to look up what I'd been calling-" he noticed Harry watching curiously, "why you liked it so much. Interesting, do your friends know you read muggle stories?"
Squashing the small element of surprise she had felt after learning that Fred had indeed researched where his nickname for her really came from, she retained her stern expression and crossed her arms. After all, he probably researched it months ago. "Impressive," she teased, "I didn't realise you had that long of an attention span to read a book of that length."
"Do you not feel bad at all?" Harry asked her as he bent down to check on Neville himself, "do you not feel any sort of conscience over this whatsoever?"
"Conscience? I didn't do it!" Jessica refuted and she slapped her palm to her forehead, loudly shouting out of carelessness, "God I am so sick and tired of you Gryffindors acting all high and mighty. You act like you're the heroes but actually, you're just douchebags trying to make yourself feel better than everyone else and ignore the actual hurt you cause to others!"
"You're kidding me right?" Fred laughed as Harry picked Neville up onto his feet. "Jess this isn't like you've stolen my broom or something and we're treating you harshly, you chose this, you chose to hurt the innocent, that's not our fault."
"I didn't choose it," she muttered as she took a quick swipe at getting her wand back. Unfortunately, Fred had quick reflexes as Lee had once said, and he caught her hand, moving her back until he had her pinned up against a pillar.
"Who forced you then?" Fred asked, his face inches from hers and holding both of their arms against her chest.
Jessica said nothing. She just watched his skin illuminate in the candlelight. The flames shone focus on the hidden cuts and faded bruises that she usually couldn't see from afar.
"Come on," Fred goaded, "who held the wand to your throat and made you say yes to Umbridge? Because it fucking wasn't any of us or the Order."
Oh Freddie, he really had no idea. He was in his own saviour bubble, the bubble she now realised was put on all of them by Dumbledore to make them feel like they were in control of their lives. A sad smirk appeared on her face and she looked him in the eyes. Usually, she would kiss a guy to diffuse the situation and melt them into her hands, but her kiss was a scar, and Fred had already received too many.
"Could you let go of me before I scream please," she whispered.
Fred's arm dropped to his side, leaving her free to go. He knew that if she screamed, Adrian and Draco would come running. Or worse, Umbridge and Filch.
"Thank you," she said politely to him and glanced down at Harry in equal acknowledgement. He was still in the middle of lifting Neville onto his shoulders and needed Fred to balance the other side.
She walked down the corridor, just wanting to get out of there, her Inquisitorial Squad badge bouncing up and down against the material of her dress. Halfway down she heard a murmur, meaning Neville had just regained consciousness. She was relieved.
"You know the worst thing is, she's probably going to laugh about this with Malfoy," Harry muttered under his breath.
"In a way, I hope she does get a big laugh and a pat on the back," Fred muttered back as he helped with Neville, "it would make everything she abandoned worthwhile for her."
Jessica stopped.
"You abandoned me," she said to herself.
"What?" Fred asked having heard her.
Jessica turned back around to see them both having one of Neville's arms around their necks. His comment had finally done it. She was now at breaking point. "You abandoned me Fred. I didn't abandon you."
"Did a memory charm go wrong in Flitwick's class today?" Fred asked, not knowing the weight of asking her something like that right now, "did it make you forget everything? Because yes you did."
"So you did nothing wrong?" Jessica shrugged, her fingers itching to be clenched into fists, "you didn't break any of the promises you've accused me of breaking also?"
"What's she talking about?" Harry asked Fred.
"No idea," said Fred, staring blankly ahead, "elaborate on that please Clarke."
Either he knew she wouldn't say anything in front of Harry, or even worse, he really did think he had done nothing wrong.
"You know what," Jessica sneered, yielding to her emotions, "Fuck you."
"If that's your way of apologising I'm going to need something better than that," Fred responded sarcastically.
"Why would I say sorry?" she asked, finding her heart starting to ache in a delayed response to the night's events, "...you never did."
This rendered Fred silent. She could tell he wanted to say something, but for a rare occasion, he was thinking it through first. Harry stood there open-mouthed, bending down under Neville's weight and wondering what the hell it was that he had missed.
"Take Neville to the hospital wing," she ordered lastly, "before I get my own payback on the bludgers."
Jessica walked away down the next corridor, her feet picking up the pace into a fast walk, which built up momentum into a hurried run. No matter how fast she was going, she wasn't seeming to get anywhere. She was still stuck in her head with all her horrible thoughts. Faster and faster she ran, the sounds of her heels creating euphoric music that was blocking out her thumping ears. It was doing nothing...she could still see Neville's face...she could still hear Fred shouting at her...
She didn't stop until she ran out of the Grand Entrance and out to the boundaries of the Great Lake. The smell of dampness that had become such a welcoming smell to her from the dungeons attacked her senses. It was raining, the pellets of water coming down hard onto her hair and clothes, and she just stared down at the deep water, breathing heavily from the running she had done. The water was dancing with movement, and it looked ever so inviting. Thinking without consequence, Jessica stepped into it and the waves crashed against her shoes, her heels sinking into the soggy mud and acting like quicksand. She took another step with her other foot, with the same reaction happening there too.
Bending down to untie her shoes that were now ruined by mud and water, her feet escaped their prison and were now free to walk further into the lake. She walked until the water was at knee length, and her shoes got washed away into the depths of the unknown. The rain pounded onto her hair until it became thin with damp, and she wished it would rain harder to compensate for the tears that were now starting to form. With each pound of the waves against her legs, she felt like she was being cleansed, washing away everything that had happened to her over the past term. She wanted to walk further in, but she didn't yet have the courage.
Poor Neville, he hadn't done anything to deserve it. Crabbe and Goyle were cruel, and this power had only made them much worse. What's more, is that it was allowed, the system was enabling their terrible behaviour, and there was no one here to stop them.
Except for her...and she wasn't even there.
She had been too distracted with her new life to have noticed what must have been going on slowly for weeks under her nose. If she hadn't been walking down the corridor at that moment she wouldn't have even seen him, so what else or who else had she missed all this time?
George was right, she had only protected herself. She had been so blinkered.
"Are you not cold in here?" asked a mellow voice as someone joined her at her side in the water. She resisted at first, but then she allowed to look out at the blonde tassels of hair flying loose in the wind.
"A little," Jessica answered softly through sniffs, "but it's okay once you're used to it."
The necklace, the Order, they were much bigger things than just Hogwarts. She had been stupid to try and play the social game, to try and find where she best fit to make her life as normal as possible.
The truth was, she was not meant to fit in anywhere in their world at all. All this time, all this work, and she was still an imposter, weak and hopeless, trying to make things better when she only ever made things worse. She didn't even know healing charms, she couldn't help Neville any more than a common plaster.
In the wizarding world, she didn't have a place. Her place was home in the muggle world, tonight had reminded her of that, and even that had now been taken from her. The only compensation was that she no longer had to lie to the Slytherins about her family, as she wasn't a part of a muggle family anymore.
An arm hugged around her shoulders as the person next to her squeezed her close. They rubbed her arm in comfort and Jessica laid her head on their chest. By the hair that was tickling her nose, she didn't even have to check their face to see if they were concerned for her. She was safe to be herself.
"It's okay, you can cry," said Luna Lovegood as she patted her hair lightly, "we all need to do that sometimes. It gets it out. I come here to cry too, it seems the perfect place doesn't it, by the water."
The pair stood there in the lake in silence for what felt like hours, sheltered partly from the rain with only a few raindrops landing on them from the leaves of the trees behind. They stood there and watched the storm over the Black Lake until it settled, and by the time it had finished Jessica felt that she and Luna had made an unspoken bond.
Luna had shown her pure kindness, regardless of who she was, and if Luna could do that without any preconceptions then there must have been other wizards and witches out there who would do the same. People like Neville, she thought. Those who were the odd ones out, who didn't fit in as much as others did. People in the same situation as her.
Whilst embracing each other now as friends, Jessica swore to herself that though others may have hurt her, that did not mean that she could ignore the injustice that was being done. She would save those like Luna from facing anything like Neville had, and give them the protection that was not yet being given. The protection that had been placed so undeservingly onto her.
If she was being forced to be here, she had to make a difference. She may have fallen off the track, but she was now back on it on the right side.
This was why she was here, regardless of whatever Dumbledore had originally planned for her.
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Christmas is coming, but not everything is merry!
I have to admit, this was one of my favourite chapters to write. Luna and Neville are two of my favourite characters in the entire series, so I was waiting for a way to make them more centre stage. Watch this space!
As usual, please vote and comment if you liked the story, it really does inspire me to keep writing for you lovely lot <3