It is official. I will never be with another man again.
Harry has ruined me.
He has set the bar so dangerously high that I do not believe anyone can ever reach.
After making me forget everything last night he helped me in the shower by washing my hair and body for me, and I did the same for him. He would plant small kisses whenever he could. Granting me small words of affirmations that made me believe I was floating.
I have never liked someone like this. A part of me is telling me that the only reason I feel like this is only because I've never had a boyfriend before. I am so obsessed over these things he is doing because I'm just not used to them.
He feels like the missing part I have searched for my entire life. What I feel for him is more than just liking him. It's way more. I just don't know what it is.
It's a shame that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him. Yes, he said he had a small crush on me but that really doesn't mean much. I've had plenty of "small crushes." Those are the meaningless ones that you have for only a short period of time before getting bored.
He would get bored soon. I think I have too many issues. I have mommy and daddy issues, body issues, eating issues, head issues, the list goes on and on.
I grew up in a household full of hatred, he couldn't want to be with someone like me.
He on the other hand grew up in a house hold full of love. He tells me stories all the time of things him, his mother, and his sister would do.
No stories included his father.
I have heard very little about him, only things consisting of how they don't talk anymore, he doesn't like him, and him and his new family can go fuck themselves.
Harry and his entire family moved to Laguna from England when the winter he turned 16, that summer his father admitted to having an affair with a woman from the other side of the country. He completely left them. He sent money to not only provide for his children but for his ex-wife as well but besides that, no communication occurred. His father is some sort of business man so he makes a good deal of money and because of that Harrys mother didn't work.
The price to live in Laguna is insane so his mother, his 20 year old sister, and him all got jobs to continue living there.
They all scrapped enough money combined with the money his father sent to keep their house up and running but there were not enough for luxuries like new clothing all the time, the newest phones, and even just fresh produce. From time to time they would live off of frozen meals but they were all happy with each other.
Harry started going to visit his father when he was 17 and stopped going when he turned 19. He would spend the summer with his father learning business tactics and meeting girls. He said how much he loved going to Maine because he loved the atmosphere there, it suffocated me.
Despite having these bad things happen, he turned out amazing. He always gushed about how much he loved it all.
His sister now owns a small sunglasses company, his mother is the manager of some fancy restaurant, and Harry has his dream job making surfboards.
When he tells me about this stuff I can't help but feel guilty. I had everything growing up. I had access to whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. We had maids who cleaned up after me. I never had to work a day in my life. I had the ability to travel anywhere in the world.
My mother was right that I was selfish. These luxuries were not available to most and therefore I should just be grateful even though I missed an important thing that all children needed. Love.
My household had no love in it. I honestly didn't even know what the word "love" was until I started kindergarten.
But never mind that. I'm laying in the hotel bed with Harry and I feel like I am on cloud 9. Laying naked, flat on the bed with Harrys head is resting on my bare chest with my hands rubbing his shoulders and down back.
The sun is rising and creeping in through the curtains, illuminating everything in the room.
He lets out soft hums letting me know he is now awake.
"Good morning, my love." His voice is raspy and his accent is deeper than normal. "Morning, baby.
Harry begins kissing me along the swell of my breast. He looks up to me with his beautiful green eyes, resting his chin on my chest.
Those enchanting eyes feel like a home I was never blessed to know, until now.
"What are you looking at?" I ask him him laughing a bit feeling uncomfortable under his stare.
"You," A small grin forms on his face making me break out into a huge smile "you're glowing baby, you're so golden."
I stop rubbing his back and he lays his head back down to the side, letting me cradle his head to me as my form of a hug, not wanting to move the way we were.
"You hungry?" He says to me mumbling his words back into my chest.
"Yes, please."
*****
After ordering some food through the hotel, Harry made me get up and get dressed because he didn't want them to come in to drop the food off and "get a fun morning surprise" as he put it.
We got a pot of coffee and 2 breakfast platters that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast, and some assortment of fruits.
Harry watched me as a hawk the entire time we ate. I had put something on the tv to distract myself. I was hungry but I didn't want to eat too little in front of him. I tried to focus on the tv as I ate but Harrys nervous staring while I was stuffing my face didn't help. This is what I was nervous about. I didn't want him to treat me differently but he does now.
"What are you staring at, Mr. Styles?" I ask with a tiny laugh trying to break this newfound awkward tension between us. "Just a beautiful lady, Ms. Easterling." Thankfully his response isn't what he is actually looking at, I am beyond grateful for that.
My phone begins to ring so I move to go grab it from the table on the other side of the room but Harry grabs my wrist before I can go. "Ignore it, stay with me." He does a playful pout so I stay in bed with him, continuing to eat. When the ring cycle ends, it starts right back up again so now I get up to actually go get it.
"I cannot believe you are leaving me." He lets out a huff as he dramatically put his elbows in his lap and head in his hands. "Oh you'll live, quit the dramatics."
When I go to answer, the name on the caller ID reads "Linda Rothingfield", Linda was a close friend of my grandmothers. Linda was your typical rich California woman. A frail white woman with white hair who lives in a house bigger than she has the needs for, but that's just how my grandmother was and how Betty is now.
"Hi Linda!" I answer with a small bit of enthusiasm to match what I know she'll give to me, and on cue she answers back, "Oh hi my little Juliette, how are you sweetheart?"
"I'm great right now, how are you doing?" I was back over to the bed where Harry had moved our food from. He was laying down with one of his hand resting on his stomach and the other arm stretched across my pillow waiting for me to come back. I curl up in his arms while listening to Linda talk waiting for her to get to what she actually wants to ask or tell me.
"So as you know, it is time for my annual summer white party!" Linda says with in a cheery voice. This woman lives to entertain people and while white parties normally take place in the Hamptons, she likes to have them at her house instead because that insures more people will come.
"Yes ma'am I do" I wait as she continues to talk about how she has been planning this party for months on end. "Well I was just wondering if you would like to come this year." I used to go with my grandmother when I was here during summer but since I have moved here, every time she invites me I always decline. It just reminds me too much of my grandmother.
I look over to Harry and he has his eyes closed, just resting while waiting for me to finish up. "Uhm actually I would love to go." I finally spit out, surprising myself with the words I said. I was going to decline but it just came out.
"Oh lovely!" Her voice sounds even more chipper and I can hear her rustling around in the background.
"So is it just you coming or will you bring a date? And before you ask, no you cannot bring your dog." I can hear the sound of a pen click, now I can tell she is writing in her party planning planner. She loves to have her entire life planned out so she is never surprised, I admire that about her. I feel like I would be like that if I wasn't a walking shit-show.
I look over to Harry once again, should I say it is just me or should I say that I might have a plus one but I'm not sure yet because we are just friends who fuck and go on dates and cuddle but we aren't dating. Decisions are hard.
"Oh uhm well uh-" thankfully Linda cuts me off before I could stumble on my words any longer. "Are you gonna bring your new boy toy Betty was telling me about? She has been talking non stop about how you have found someone and you look so happy."
"Well I don't know, I haven't asked him." And I don't want to ask him. If I do he is just gonna laugh at me and say how stupid I am for thinking that he would want to go out with me.
Why would he want to go with you? You are nothing to him. He is so embarrassed by you that's why he took you out here and not anywhere near home. He probably hates you.
My brain begins to throw these self-inflicted insults at myself. I wish I could just get away from these thoughts some times.
"What is his name again? Henry? Hendrick? Harvey? Holden?" She begins to list off names before I answer that his name is Harry, when I say his name, his head shoots up and looks over at me.
"Listen Linda, I think maybe we should talk about this later, I'll let you know if he wants to come by the end of the day, okay?" Harry is still looking at me like he is trying to figure out why he is being talked about.
"I'll go." Harry whispers to me and I shoot my head up and give him a confused look. "I'll go to whatever you guys are talking about." He then whispers again to me.
"Uhm you know what Linda, add Harry to the list." Her voice shoots up with happiness as she speaks again, "Oh yes! I cannot wait to meet Mr. Harry! Ah! I am so excited for my girl! Okay I'll let you go now but I cannot wait to see you and remember that we wear white at a white party!"
We say out good byes and I can finally hang up.
"So what exactly am I going to?" Harry ask me with a small smile while pulling me into his side tighter.
"Well you have been officially invited to a white party taking place next week" I start but quickly finish off with "but of course if you don't want to go that's perfectly fine, I can let Linda know right now."
"I have never been to a white party before," He says to me with a sheepish smile "I have only seen the one on Gossip Girl."
"Well the party is the same for the most part; everyone wears white, everything is white, everyone is disgustingly rich, and everyone is constantly gossiping." Harry begins to laugh at my comment as he presses a small kiss to my forehead. "I can't wait to go as your date." He sends a wink my way as he emphasizes the end of his sentence.
"Do you have any white dress clothing?" I ask him thinking about the fact that sometime before next Saturday, I have to go shopping for a nice white dress. "No I don't think I have any plain white stuff I can wear, do you want to help me and go shopping with me?"
His face turns red as he grows embarrassed over his own question. "I'll help you find something to wear as long as you do the same for me, deal?" I raise my eyebrows as I wait for a response.
"Deal."