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Author: xzra8765
Book title: Gothan Hills
Reviewer: RovenaNatasha
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Book title:
Gothan hills? Is that it? Okay, lets assume that this particular place is where something significant happens and this is why you chose it as your title. Then why doesn't the reader get this name in the blurb? Why isn't he/she aware of what it is? If it is so important it should be included in your blurb.
Okay, let's forget the blurb what about your prologue? It should be there isn't it? Or at least a hint to the place. Be very cautious of your title. Everything depends on it. Your title should be the most significant in your general story
But I really should say the title was intriguing. It was a good choice but you don't give it sufficient attention. You need to give it enough ATTENTION. I cannot highlight this comment enough. But good job on your preference.
Book cover:
Something I've realized over the years is that writers on Wattpad tend to make their book covers so dark, making it a clear sign that it will turn out to be an abuse fest from the beginning. It really isn't necessary you can make a light cover and hint at the dark with your lighting. Don't overdo it. I have seen far too many covers that makes no sense.
Remember, your cover is what drags your reader to your book, so try to make it a tad bit appealing for them to continue. Also, something you should know is that every element in your cover counts.
Particularly, the boy in the cover clearly has a crown on his head but it doesn't give any indication that the boy is a king or a prince so be careful of what you include in your cover. Another thing would be the two fairies that looks so much like Tinkerbell are a bit distracting and it takes away the essence or rather the meaning of your book in general.
Try to make your cover subtle. Clearly there seems to be a fantasy element with fairies and what not so you need to know how to blend the realism and fantasy well. I would suggest that you get one of our own community's graphic designer so you could get an attractive cover.
Blurb:
Now your blurb is really vague. For a minute it made no sense at all and I realized you've just described the character, not really given us readers and insight to your book.
A blurb is a summary of your entire book without revealing the plot and you haven't done this. I need to know where this boy comes from? What he does? Above all what about his name? I was clearly confused.
Also, in a blurb if you are adding a dialogue from the book itself. You need to be clear as to who is speaking and responding. Don't leave your reader in the dark. Another error I saw was that your grammar is incorrect in several places which is another reason as to why I didn't understand what you wrote.
We see a girl in the blurb however we are unable to make a connection with the story because it seems like your character Zeph is the point-of-view you will be using at least most the time. Then your dialogue in the blurb should have been him not the girl who doesn't pop up in reality until a several chapters.
Be careful of what you add on your blurb because everything weighs on it. If your blurb is perfect then you get a read if not it will be abandoned.
Opening chapter:
The opening chapter and your copyright task should be kept apart please. You simply add his dream at the beginning talk about your copyright and casually begin your writing.
Nope, this cannot be done. If you cannot be bothered to add it in a different chapter like myself then talk about the copyright, next you can write the dream and start with Zeph's point-of-view.
Because otherwise it disturbs the flow of your story. When I read the dream, I wanted to know more but then you suddenly switched your attention to your author's note. Don't do it. Readers do not like that.
Now I loved the dream but then again there was a problem. Your vocabulary is not sufficient to describe it well enough. You have used the word "and" far too much. Also, you use the word "and" at the beginning of a sentence you should know that a sentence cannot be begun with a conjunction. This is a grammatical error which needs immediate attention.
Another point to be taken into consideration would be the pronoun "I" again you cannot repeat a pronoun more than three times in a paragraph, this only means that you do not know many sentence starters. I would advice you to go and surf the internet for ideas.
Lastly, you cannot use the reference of "there was a bomb explosion of rose-gold and silver glitter" a bomb is an extremely negative forecast which is not suitable to be used in the dream since he wishes to see her. Correct it instantly.
See how I wrote for your dream:
"I saw a young lady with wings, she had shoulder length platinum hair it shone on the ground beneath her creating an array of silver. She looked unearthly but real at once. She sat on a rock balancing herself on her soft slender legs. Although she had placed herself on a rock that looked horrid but she her aura screamed royalty.
I observed her further and she didn't look happy, rather she was shaking? No, she was weeping. 'Who is she?' muttering to myself I walked closer. The view from the back was alluring, in my entire life I hadn't felt anything for girls like I felt for her. It seemed I was drunk or dreaming unsure but she felt my presence does it mean its real? She whipped her head around, I was shocked.
She was ethereal, he silvers slated eyes, rosy cheeks and supple lips were inviting. Ogling without another thought I could see a line of glitter under her lashes, tears? Staring my fill, she seemed panic by my presence. I probably don't look the best, hair unarranged, clothes all over, she was clearly horrified.
"I can explain, I-I'm s-sorr..." I began to apologize but she had already disappeared. What in the world? She disappeared into thin air leaving behind a multitude of rose-gold and silver dust, raining around."
What do you think of this? Doesn't it look and sound much better?
Plot:
The plot is not bad but it can be better. We have read far too many stories like this. So if you want to make your story sound more interesting this can be done with how you handle your characters and the manner in which you write dialogues and put your ideas across.
The above-mentioned ways are the only ways to enhance your plot and for that you need to improve your vocabulary and know about basic grammar rules so that you can apply it to your story better.
Another thing you can consider is the descriptions. You tend to not describe enough. The readers would love to know your setting.
Try to answer questions such as these:
→ What does it feel to wake up in the morning?
→ What did the nature look like and how did you feel?
→ Where the birds chirping?
→ What were your surroundings?
→ Where is everything in the room? Is the bathroom next to the bed? Where is your work-table? Where are the windows?
→ What did your mothers' hug feel like? Safe, protective, warm, comforting
These will help you to describe more and flow out emotions.
But I should say that your storyline is interesting and it would be a better read if you knew how to project your ideas well.
Character development:
Your characters are tricky. You see, you seem to hate the character name Hemma. That can be accepted considering the fact that she is a negative character in the story but you cannot outright make the readers feel your hate towards her. Every character should be equally judged and commended. This is important. And you have to keep that in mind.
Also know that a person cannot be hundred percent wrong, there should be a balance. She has to have a few good qualities in her as well because you need to make your characters relatable. There should not be a black and white world but it should be a grey world where everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.
Zeph is a good character. He is good but he gets extremely angry and that amazing to have a MC with a flaw. Perfect match. Good job.
Even the step-father should have a strength, at least one. If not in the beginning then later on in your chapters he has to be proven worthy of a character.
Grammar and vocabulary:
As I have mentioned earlier your grammar isn't the best and your vocabulary needs to be advanced. You are writing a fantasy with a mix of romance. What you should know is that even if writing romance will be easy, writing fantasy is quite difficult without knowing words that can show the extent of your writing. So, you MUST increase your vocabulary and get to know your grammar rules.
→ You cannot stand on your knees. This is an obvious statement. You stand on your feet not knees. Try writing, "I knelt in front of my momma"
→ You cannot write short form of the words; it has to be because not 'cuz'
→ You cannot write very, very, very angry or very, very, very, deep breath. You can write, a deep breath instead of using very. Further, you can write furious instead of very, very, very angry. The reason is when you use words like very it lessens the meaning of a word. So, I highly instruct you to not use the word 'very'
→ You use the article "an" if it is a vowel otherwise you have to use the article "a" for example you have written, "an Scottish" this is incorrect. It should be "a Scottish and an Indian"
→ You should know that the word "fuck" is not everything. You can get your point across without swearing all the time. Try to swear only when it is extremely necessary, when the pressure is too much and he cannot bear it anymore.
→ The past tense of sting is stung not stinged. Try to find a source with the present tense and past tense of a verb.
→ When you are writing in inverted commas this is the way; "tell me, momma," there are a few places you have skipped adding the commas and written full stops. You need to check up on this.
→ Try to get yourself an app that will correct your grammar. A suggestion could be the Grammarly app. Also, you may want to have a thesaurus to check for synonyms or antonyms.
Communication with readers:
You were successful in communicating with your readers. You have replied to almost all comments and written author's notes. That's great. The more you communicate with readers the more they will read. So, keep up with it. I have nothing much to say here since you have done well. Good job.
Overall impression:
I like how you deal with dreams and make the point but it becomes a backlash when you have errors to correct. So, I advise you to get yourself an editor and make your story flow naturally and be more precise. Sometimes I feel you are at a lost to what you should write, this should be amended. If you are not sure you cannot make your readers believe. Try changing your writing style. Also, I thought you should write in the third person and not the first. Then you can explain better, writing in the first person makes it limited for you to describe. So, you can try writing in the third person. Last but not least I would like to wish you good luck for your future in writing. You would do great if you improve, so don't worry too much. Have faith in yourself. Also, this is a review try to take the criticism in a positive manner.
NOTE: This is a 2000+ word review. Please take it seriously.