As she stood, leaning against the balcony, and looking out at the ocean tinted orange with the sunset, she couldn't help her mind drifting back. Back to almost three years ago. The day that changed everything for her. The pain was still unbearable, and it felt as though it had only happened the day before. It took her a moment to realise her hand was gripping on to the cold iron of the barrier in front of her as tears fell down her cheeks. Tears she didn't want anyone else to see. Hence why she had run away to Italy.
She thought back to this day three years ago. The panic she had felt, the pain, the fear. They said there was no reason for it, that nothing she did or didn't do caused it, but she couldn't believe that. She'd flown to New York when he'd begged her not to go, she thought she'd be fine, she had no reason to think she wouldn't be fine. But then only an hour before she was due to speak at the conference... she didn't really remember it all that clearly. She had been in pain, there'd been blood. So much blood. And Addison. Addison had been there, had tried to keep her calm, tried save her baby.
She'd been rushed into the ER and Addison had been there from the get go, never leaving her side. The contractions couldn't be stopped, Addison tried everything. Meredith truly believed that Addison did everything in her power to stop the pre-term labour, but in the end nothing could be done. Her baby had been born and the number of complications... to this day she couldn't even remember them all. She just remembered her baby not crying, everyone was rushing around, and Addison was trying to keep him alive. Keep him breathing.
She didn't even get to see him for at least the first 18 hours of his short life, and she was pretty sure she'd been sedated at one point. She just remembered crying, a lot. And he wasn't there. Brian wasn't there.
Her mom flew out, Cristina flew out, but Brian wasn't even there until the final day. Four days later. Her baby lived for four days, two hours, and nineteen minutes. It had been too much, she had to make that decision. She couldn't handle seeing him in so much pain, and she had to make the decision to let him go. On her own.
She leaned forward against the balcony, tears streaming down her face as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block it all out. She didn't need to keep going over it all in her head, it was just too much. This is why she went away for a week. This is why she ran away to the small town in Italy, and holed herself up in a hotel room for a week, cutting herself off from everyone and everything.
Meredith couldn't be around people. Not this week. Not her family, not her friends, and not even Cristina. Her hands wrapped around her middle as she went back inside the hotel room, the slight chill of the night getting under skin. Her phone rang from the side table just as she walked back in and she quickly glanced over the name on the screen. She wished he would just stop calling her. He needed to stop. She grabbed the phone, a wave of anger taking over as she answered the call.
"What?" she snapped down the phone.
"Meredith," she heard him breathe on the other end of the line.
"Why do you keep calling?"
"I'm checking up on you. I miss you. And I... I'm in pain too."
"You say this. You always say this. You weren't there. You don't know."
"Noah is my son, too."
"Then where were you? When I needed you, when he needed you, where were you?"
"Meredith, I'm sorry. How many times... I'm so sorry, about everything. Let me be there for you now. Let me help."
"Brian, I can't... I can't breathe. How are you supposed to help now? It's too late now."
"I understand your pain, Meredith."
"You weren't there."
"Where are you?"
"I... I'm out of the country."
"Can I come and see you when you get back?"
"That's not a good idea."
"I'm not trying to... I know we can't be together, I know you don't want that. But you shouldn't be alone in this."
"I don't, I just, I need you to leave me alone."
"Meet up with me next week. If I can't see you this week... we can get coffee, or dinner. I just want to see you."
"Where?" she sighed, running her fingers through her hair, just wanting to end the conversation.
"I'm home next week, in Sacramento."
"Oh, I... I'll be in LA next Wednesday. Not sure how long for."
"I'll come to you. Just tell me when and where."
"Okay," she whispered, closing her eyes as she lay back against the pillows.
"He'd be three years old today," he whispered through the phone to her.
"I... I know," her voice broke as a tear streaked down her cheek, a soft sob escaping her lips, "I need..."
"What do you need, Mer?"
"I need to go," she murmured, wiping at her cheeks.
"Okay," he sighed softly, "I'm here, if you need to talk or... don't do anything... just keep yourself safe."
"I... God, I'm trying," she whispered, "I'll be okay. I'll see you next week."
"I know, I... I'll see you next week."
"Tell my mom you spoke to me."
"I will, bye."
"Bye," she murmured as she ended the call, tossing the phone beside her on the bed before she curled up on her side.
She lay there, her arms tight around her middle as the sobs wracked through her body, her chest heaving as she lost control. He hadn't been there. He showed up an hour before they took him off life support, and if she hadn't been in such a daze of grief she'd have yelled. She had wanted to yell so much. But he had held her. He had held her while she held their son as he took his last breaths.
It took a few moments of clearing her mind before she could control her breathing again, and with tears still streaming down her face she moved over to her bag, digging out the small plastic bottle and swallowing two of the sleeping pills before climbing back into bed again. She pulled the blankets close around her as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the images playing through her mind, an attempt at blocking out the pain in any way she could. Right now, she just needed to sleep through it.
****
He missed Meredith like crazy. He missed her more than he probably should have missed her, and he just wanted to hear her voice again. Her ran his fingers through his hair as he sat at his desk, trying to concentrate on the paperwork in front of him. Clearly failing.
He pulled his phone out to check for any missed messages, aware that he hadn't heard from Laura since Monday. They normally called every night, and they hadn't last night and the phone had just rang out so he assumed he'd got out of surgery too late and they'd gone to bed.
He pulled up her number, trying to dial through only for it to say the line had been disconnected, sending him into an instant panic. He tried the home number, hoping that she would answer. It just rang out and went to the familiar answering machine.
"Laura, what's going on? Why can't I contact you? Call me as soon as you get this."
He didn't know what to do. He needed to find out what was going on and fast, even if it meant catching the next flight out to New York.
He grabbed his keys as he left his office, dialling his mom's number and waiting for her to answer as he made his way out to the car. She eventually answered, and he tried to sound the least panicked he could.
"Ma, have you heard from Laura?" he rushed out as he got in his car.
"No, I haven't. Is everything okay?"
"I haven't heard from them since Monday night, and now when I try to call her number has been disconnected and no one is answering the home phone."
"Okay, well let's not jump to any rash conclusions..."
"I'm coming home, Ma. I need to fly out. I'm not risking... I just need to go," he said, pulling his car out the car park.
"Okay, just be careful driving, I know you're upset but it won't do any good wrapping your car around a tree."
"I know, I will. Can you call one of the sisters? Ask them to go round? I'm going to call Mark, see if he knows anything."
"Will do, Derek. Don't worry, everything will be okay."
"I'm trying, thanks, Ma."
He ended the call, dialling Mark's number as he waited at the traffic light. He just hoped someone had heard something, or knew something, or one of the sisters would find out more by going round to the house.
"Shepherd, what's up?" Sloan answered.
"Everything. I haven't heard from Laura since Monday, and her phone number has been disconnected, and no one is answering the home phone. You haven't heard anything have you? Or has Addison? I really don't know what to think and I'm pretty sure I'm about to just jump on the next flight out," he rushed out, barely taking a breath.
"What? No I haven't heard anything. Are you sure it's the right number? She hasn't sent a new number or anything?"
"I'm sure, Mark, a hundred percent. I call every night, I just assumed they'd gone to sleep last night because it rang out but just now I tried again and it said the number had been disconnected. I'm panicking, Mark. I don't know what to think."
"Let me start calling round, you just focus on getting on that plane and I'll call you as soon as I know anything."
"Thanks, Mark, I'll keep my phone on and let you know when I fly out."
He ended the call as he pulled up at his parents' house, quickly getting out the car, realising he was still in his scrubs and should call the hospital on his way to the airport. He walked in the house, making his way through to the kitchen where his mom normally was.
"Ma, I spoke to Mark, he's not heard anything but he's going to call around," he said, running his hand through his already messed up hair.
"Alright, and you're sure you need to take the next flight out? It could just be a miscommunication, Derek," she said, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel.
"I'm sure, I'm not risking anything," he shook his head as he pulled his phone out, looking up the next flights to New York, "There's a plane leaving in three hours. I'm going to the airport and if we haven't heard anything by then I'm getting on it."
"Alright, well Kath is on her way over to the house now to see if anyone is there so she should be calling with an update in the next hour."
"Okay. I'm just going to put a bag together," he kissed his mom on the cheek as he hugged her, "Thank you."
"We're just as worried as you are, son," she said, shaking her head slightly as she squeezed his arm, "Go on."
****
A few hours later he was just about to board the plane to New York when his phone rang and he answered it, not even checking who it was calling him.
"Hello?"
"Derek, get back to the hospital," Marks voice sounded.
"Mark I'm about to get on the plane."
"Don't get on the plane, she's here. Maddie's here at the hospital."
"What? Why? How?" he started to panic more now as he turned around and made his way out of the airport quickly.
"Laura was here about five minutes ago, left her with me and disappeared. Just walked away," he could hear the anger in Mark's tone.
"Is she okay? Is Maddie okay? Put her on the phone."
"She's just a little shaken, I'll put her on now."
"Daddy," he heard his daughter whimper over the phone after a moment.
"Hi, Princess, I'll be there really soon, okay?" he assured her, trying to keep his voice calm as he climbed in the car.
"Mommy gone, daddy," her voice quivered.
"It's going to be okay, I promise. Stay with Uncle Mark and I'll be there really really soon, okay? I've missed you so much," he started the drive back to the hospital which would normally take thirty minutes but he was pretty sure he'd managed to get there faster than that.
"Miss you daddy. Stay with you daddy now."
"Yeah, you can stay with me now."
"Nana? Grandpa?"
"I'm going to take you to see them, don't worry, we're going to stay with them for a while."
"Good daddy, get here quick daddy."
"I'm being as quick as I can, okay? Stay with Mark, I'll be right there, I promise."
"Kay Daddy, love you."
"I love you too, Princess," he said, chuckling slightly as his daughter hung up the phone on him as she normally did.
Tears were streaming down his face as he drove back to the hospital, tears of relief, but also anger. Why had Laura done that? Just left her there and walked away?
They had agreed the end of the month. It would give him time to find them somewhere to live that wasn't his mom's, and time so that he could make sure everything was ready for her. And he sure as hell hadn't known Laura would just walk out like that. He still needed to try and contact her, find out what was going on, but his priority now was getting to Maddie and making sure she was okay.
Maddie, Madeleine Shepherd, was the light of his life, and he hadn't seen her in over two months. Hadn't had their nighttime cuddles, hadn't had her crawling into bed with him at the crack of dawn. He had done weekly video calls with her and nightly phone calls with her, but it just wasn't the same, and now he couldn't wait to have his daughter with him again, in his arms.
He pulled up at the hospital, getting out the car and rushing inside, making his way straight to Mark's office. He knew he was getting questioning looks as he flew past but he didn't care right now.
As he got to the office, Mark was stood outside, apparently waiting for him. He slowed down, ready to go straight in the office but Mark stopped him.
"Shep, finally. Addie's is in there with her now, managed to calm her down, I could kill that bitch of an ex-wife of yours," he shook his head.
"What happened?" Derek said, "I just want to get to Maddie."
"I know, but Laura... she's not coming back Derek. Ever. She doesn't want anything to do with the family, with you, with Maddie. She said something about your lawyer receiving papers and that she was done."
"What... I never even, she never said anything. She wasn't bringing Maddie here until the end of the month," Derek sighed, running his fingers through his hair once more, "Is Maddie okay? Is she hurt, or?"
"No, she just, I think she just wants her dad," Mark shook his head, "I don't think she knows Laura isn't coming back, though."
"I... we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it, I guess," Derek shook his head, moving to open the door.
He stepped into the room where Addison sat on the couch with Maddie in her lap, engrossed in the book she was being read. He grinned, unable to stay angry when he saw her and heard her giggling as she pointed at the pictures.
"Look who's here," Addison said to her, glancing up at Derek.
"Daddy!" she gasped, looking up at him and instantly reaching her arms up to him.
"I told you I'd be right here," he grinned as he took her from Addison, holding her close to his chest as she clung on to him tight, her face buried against his neck.
"She's all good, I'll leave you to it," Addison squeezed his arm gently as she walked past, leaving the room with Mark.
"I missed you too much," his daughter mumbled as he moved to sit on the couch with her.
"I missed you so much, baby girl," he breathed, holding her as close as he could, pressing his lips against the top of her head as he felt his eyes tearing up again.
"Mommy said I live here, forever," she sighed.
"I'm never leaving you again, you're staying with me," he murmured, running his fingers through her dark curls.
"Don't want you gone again," she sniffled slightly, rubbing her hand against her nose.
"I'll never be gone again, I promise, angel," he kissed the top of her head again.
"Love you, daddy, moon and back," she snuggled against him, her tiny hands gripping at his jacket.
"I love you, Maddie, to the moon and back," he whispered, rocking her slightly as he continued to hold her close, never wanting to let go again.
If you asked Derek what his biggest regret was in life, it was letting things get to the breaking point. It was moving to Seattle and not begging more, or fighting more for his daughter to move with him. He knew Laura was doing it all out of spite. Clearly, she didn't want the sole custody and responsibility of looking after Maddie. It had always been Derek, and then he'd essentially disappeared, even if he had kept up the phone calls every single night. He couldn't take that back. He couldn't change that. All he could do now was make up for it in any way he could.