I'm slowly killing myself
I'm trying so hard at the back of the shelf
It's just the same every day
I'm writing these songs that will never get played
I get told what's wrong and what's right
[Lonely
Noah Cyrus]
—————
November 27th 2016
(This chapter is all therapy-talk and most
of it important so if you aren't gonna
skip it don't skim and pay attention)
Tw; talk of panic attacks, ED's, abuse
self-harm, anxiety, hints at SA
Lonely.
That's the word I would use to describe the last Four days of my life.
Lonely and fucking depressing, actually.
It's been four days since I spoke to Harry, four days since i've even looked at Harry, four days hauled up in my hotel bedroom room, alone, because i'm too afraid to even step outside of my room in fear that i'll see him.
Two of those days came with panic attacks and I was too stubborn to ask for help so I simply rode myself through them. Every single night also came with a nightmare.
Harry also decided not to go back to New York until i'm ready to and i'm still not sure how that's supposed to make me feel.
I'm hurt, i'm alone and i'm sad. Usually that's not a good combination and i'll admit, it isn't, i've been resisting the urge to not only get high but to hurt myself and it's been a fucking struggle.
I'm pathetic, really.
I mean, I can barley handle fighting with Harry over something so petty and trivial. Seriously, who fucking get's like this just because of an argument?
I do, and it took me atleast a whole day and a half for me to realise that what i'm feeling is a perfectly normal trauma response, when we were arguing my brain took me back to arguments with Leo, arguments were he would not only emotionally abuse me but physically abuse me.
I also realised that I don't need to feel bad for my reaction to what happened, I know Harry would never hurt me but no matter how many times he reassures me, in the heat of the moment my brain will essentially short circuit and expect something to happen because i've been conditioned that way.
Fuck Leo.
And fuck Harry too.
Why would I need a man when there's plenty of pretty women out there who like other pretty women? Even if I didn't like women Harry and Leo aren't the only men out there that exist.
I've been contemplating what I should do today, while I still don't have want to leave my room, i've been invited to go out to some club out in Beverly Hills with Theo and his girlfriend. I feel like realistically, it would be better for me to stay here and continue to . . . relax, but I really need this at the same time.
I can't believe it's only been a week since that night I ran into Harry at the Sapphires, it really feels like a lifetime ago we were cuddled up in my bed because Harry refused to sleep alone.
I'm also slightly upset about not being able to see Stevie and Nicky but thankfully Stella has been keeping me updated by sending photos of them.
On another note, i'm grateful that today is Friday because Friday mornings are reserved for therapy.
Speaking of . . .
"Hi Natalie, you look tired" Josie comments with a small smile, adjusting her laptop slightly so she can see me properly.
To most people it would sound like she's basically telling me I look like shit but I know she that means I look mentally tired and she isn't wrong.
"This weeks been . . . a lot" I breathe out, shifting slightly on the bed to get more comfortable, making sure to balance my laptop on my legs.
Right now i'm just in my pyjamas while Josie is in loungewear, again to a lot of people this would seem unprofessional but when I first started seeing Josie I explained that being in a cold, professional environment makes me uncomfortable when trying to talk about the things I would need to in therapy, that's why I appreciate how Josie acts with me and how her office looks back in New York.
Instead of having one single couch and a chair facing it, she has two couches so that I can choose if I want to be closer to her or choose to have a space to myself when talking. She also has a lot of pretty plants sitting around and because her office floor is so high up, the view of New York is amazing and admittedly, very calming.
"Well why don't we start of by telling each other how we're doing physically?" This something we do everytime we talk, it's her way of asking me if i've relapsed with my self-harm or if i've took any 'harmful substances', Josie's answer is always the same but realistically I know we only do this so I don't feel like all of the attention is on me.
"I'm fine, it's been hard though, having all of these thoughts with no familiar outlet, but I don't want to disappoint anyone, how are you?" I reply back, picking at my cuticles and biting my lip.
"I'm doing well, now, when you say that you don't want to disappoint anyone, who or what do you mean?" She asks with a soft reassuring smile.
"I suppose I feel like if I took anything or hurt myself that everyone would be disappointed in me, I would be disappointed too, I would feel like i've sort of failed if that makes sense? I have a goal in my head, with myself, and i'm afraid of ruining all my progress and starting over" I explain, trying to avoid looking directly into the camera.
"Progress isn't a straight line Nat, I know that and you know that, if you happen to relapse, you won't be starting over, you'll simply be taking a little detour. Sometimes when we fall back into old habits and eventually come out of them, we have a new perspective on things, let's say you were to hurt yourself again, the first time you ever did that, you said you felt a sense of relief knowing that you could feel something again, but let me ask you a question, if you started doing that again would you feel relief?" She asks.
It feels like so long ago that I did that, hurting myself I mean. I completely forgot about how I told Josie that I was relieved I could feel something, that I wasn't broken, that I wasn't numb to pain.
"No, I would feel awful and maybe sick . . . Thinking about hurting myself makes me feel sick, not just disappointed" I reply with a nod. I think that makes me slightly . . . happy? In a fucked up way, knowing that I'm aware of how bad it is to do that to myself.
"And that's what we call progress alright?" She laughs, trying to make the atmosphere more light hearted "Now, what's been going on in the life of Natalie this week?"
"A lot actually, last Friday night I went out with Stella and Olivia and I ran into an old friend, Harry" I say quietly.
"Ah your fancy, rockstar, musician friend?" She jokes. Yes I have told her about Harry but I essentially gave her a rundown of everyone that's in or was apart of my life "How did that make you feel? Running into him" She asks while scribbling something down in her notebook.
How did it make me feel? I guess I haven't really had time to process any of it, on a surface level I think I'm happy but deep down . . .
"Sad, I think it made me sad" I mumble with a frown.
"I see you needed to think about that, why does it make you sad" She questions with a little head tilt.
"Because he reminds me of who I used to be" I answer shortly, fighting the urge to pick the thread on the bottom of my top.
"And why does that feel like a bad thing? Like a sad thing" She asks, urging me to elaborate further.
"Because I don't like who I am now, because when I look at him he reminds me of how happy and free I used to feel, I feel like everything that has happened over the past two years weighs me down constantly, I feel dirty all the time, I feel ashamed to be in my own body, I don't see how anyone could look at me and think i'm . . . think that i'm fucking golden — I don't — I despise myself for the things that other people — that he did to my body a-and some things happened with me and Harry and he just said something and it triggered me so fucking badly and i've been spiralling s-so much a-and—" I bable on before I hear ringing in my ears and I can faintly hear Josie telling me to take a deep breath and close my eyes.
"If you thought that what happened was anything more than me using you to get off then your dead wrong" Dirty, used, worthless, nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
"C'mon baby you know what this is, why would it matter if I fucked her and didn't pay attention to you? You know this thing between us is practically nothing, right?" He asks almost mockingly.
"What you think just 'cause I buy you dinner and that you've met my friends means that your my girlfriend or somethin'? You know I just like to use you to get off baby, don't pretend that you don't like it" Leo pouts in fake sympathy.
'I don't like it' I want to scream at him, being manipulated into sex isn't right . . . but maybe that's what love is, he loves me right? If I loved him I wouldn't complain.
"Coming back to earth?" Josie asks me as the ringing in my ears slows to a small, faint hum.
"Yeah, sorry" I smile sheepishly as I prepare for another one of her brain melting yet slightly insightful question.
"Whatever Harry said that triggered you, we can talk about that in a few, why did it trigger you?" She purses her lips with a questioning look in her eyes.
"I think it was a few things but they're almost exactly the same words that Leo said to me, and they were said in the same sort of environment, not an abusive one per-say but a hurtful, argumentative one, he didn't and still doesn't know about any of that so I can't really blame him but I think the things he said would hurt anyone regardless of their past, they just happened to trigger me into a um — panic attack, two actually and he also doesn't know about that happening . . . " I trail off at the end, preparing myself for the very unprofessional but loving scolding i'm about to receive.
"Natalie . . ." She sighs "I'm not going to lecture you because I think maybe you did the right thing, if whatever Harry said triggered you that badly then maybe being face to face with him in the midst of a panic attack would have made things worse, going back to the environment thats making you feel these things is unhealthy and right now, or rather a few days ago, Harry was that unhealthy environment so instead i'll say that i'm proud of you for listening to your body, but how do you feel about that, being alone?" She asks with an encouraging nod, as it she can see how much i'm struggling.
"Being alone . . . being alone doesn't bother me but I hate feeling alone, I would never choose to feel alone, I chose to be alone these past four days, if I didn't want to be alone I wouldn't have to but even if I left this room I would feel alone, being with Harry would make me feel alone and I hate it, he's never made me feel like that and the worst part is I can't even blame him, none of this is his fault" I groan.
I know for a fact If i stepped out of this room and spent time with Harry I would feel alone, I wouldn't want to divulge in conversation with him, I wouldn't want to tell him anything, I wouldn't feel like I could tell him anything.
Right now I don't trust him very much and I fucking feel guilty for that and yet it isn't my fault.
"Ok well why don't we do a run over of the last week or so? Try not to leave out any details and if anythings too triggering just stop, take a deep breath and then continue when you're ready" She smiles.
"After our appointment last week, all of us, me, Stella and Olivia decided to go out, I was thinking a lot about Leo after our appointment too and I just wasn't feeling the best, we ran into Harry and then we all went back to our place because everyone was drunk, Harry stayed in my room and to make a long story short he also asked me to help him with some designs for one of his music videos and he also asked if I could help him write on the album" I say, summarising the first probably three hours of my week.
"How did it make you feel? Harry asking you to help with those projects?" Josie asks, making sure that she's getting all my words written down.
"At first, excited I think? Now it makes me slightly stressed, I haven't been to work in a week because of an emergency and I have so much school work pilled up, I know I don't physically attend classes so it's slightly easier but I have no energy anymore, I don't mind the writing because i've always been good with words but i'm afraid of disappointing him now with the clothes and lyrics, don't get me wrong I want to do it all it's just . . . well song writing makes you vulnerable and i'm not sure if i'm ready for that right now" I answer, making sure to take small, deep breaths in to ensure I don't fully fucking breakdown.
"So essentially with that, the pressure and need for approval is getting to you, you've always been such a little perfectionist and I know one of the things you're afraid of is someone 'seeing that you aren't good enough and leaving you' but do you really think that messing up on a suit would make Harry leave? Now the pressure, maybe it would be helpful to request time off of work to focus on your school work and your own mental health? You can always work from home and moving at your own pace without any deadlines might improve your mood" She suggests "Now what happened next"
"The next day was a lot, me and Harry talked and I got into a bit of an argument with Stella about my addiction and about Leo, Leo called actually, he said something about people he knows talking about me and my money, he was trying to suggest they would blackmail me or something like that, but he also slightly threatened me and it triggered me a lot, I threw up and I had a panic attack, Stella and Olivia left for the day and when I had a nap I had a nightmare about the first time Leo hurt me" I say, taking another deep breath and letting Josie talk now.
"I wouldn't worry too much about the nightmare, our appointment the previous day was very heavy on the Leo talk and it's just your body's natural reaction, I also wouldn't worry about him calling you unless you genuinely think there's truth to what he's saying but remember he's manipulative and he probably hopes that if he tells you you're in danger that you'll come running back to him" She gently says, making a gesture with her hands, telling me to continue.
"The rest of the day was fine I suppose, we went out for a picnic, talked and I got a new cat actually! When we got back we just relaxed until I woke up again later in the night and I felt close to a a panic attack, I ended up uh . . . drinking on the fire escape which was stupid but after Harry came and got me, I wrote in my journal again and I played the piano and sung for the first time in a few months" I say with a small smile , reminiscing our day out.
"How did that make you feel, playing the piano and singing? You haven't done that in a while because of Leo, did you feel like you had to do that or was it your own choice?" She questions.
"No, it was all on my own accord, Leo ruined that for me and I felt like taking something back, he took so much from me and it just — isn't fair, it felt good to let all of those emotions out though" I hum, trying not to pay to much attention to the thoughts of Leo that threaten me.
"Nothing too much happened the day after, we just went shopping and got tattoos but that night we held a party, I got drunk and uh got Harrys initial tattooed on my hip and after that I . . . it's embarrassing" I groan while my cheeks flush at the thought of telling Josie of mine and Harrys very sexual encounter.
I shouldn't even be embarrassed, Josie is only older than me by a few years and i'm by no means sexually shy but I just find it embarrassing that I have to tell my therapist slash somewhat friend that my other 'friend' fingerbanged me while I gave him a handjob, not to mention she'll probably ask about what we said during to make sure that nothing was damaging for me, it's not the first time i've had to talk about my sexual activity with Josie it's just somehow more embarrassing because it was with Harry.
"He — He . . . Oh for fuck sake! He fingered me on the bathroom counter while I gave him a handjob" I blurt, feeling the flush on my neck travel right up to the tips of my ears while Josie burts out laughing.
"Fuck, I didn't think you would say it like that!" She laughs, taking a deep breath in before she fixes her glasses and starts taking again.
"Ok, ok, that was the first time anything sexual has happened between you and a man since Leo, this definitely wasn't a self-harm thing right? You didn't force yourself do to that because you knew it would hurt?" She asks carefully and I don't blame her, ever since Leo, sex with men has been a very sore topic for me.
"No it uh — It felt good, I thought about that but it wasn't and Harry was as equally drunk too so it's not like he took advantage of me, I think it was like that because I know him y'know? I don't think sex with him could hurt me — Not that we had sex . . . But after that I took some xanax because I was feeling panick-y but I was fine and I didn't do anything else" I rush out, I wouldn't want anyone thinking that I used Harry as a way for me to hurt myself, he might have told me he used me but I could never do that to him and I also don't want Josie thinking i took xanax with the intention of hurting myself either.
I could never and will never hurt him the way he's hurt me, I refuse to ever be that person. Maybe I would let him shatter my heart into a thousand pieces if it meant that he could feel how much he means to me — if he knew that the reason what he did hurt me so much is because he's the sun, my sun, he's my light, my golden speck of dust hidden amongst the planets up in space and sometimes to him, I just feel like nothing more than a dying star hiding with all the other, brighter stars who adore him.
"Ok that's good, even if you end up feeling off-ish about it or you come to regret it that's normal, sex for you never seemed like an option and more of a chore, more like something you had to do, so to be given full control in that situation might feel strange for you, being sexually active with women is a lot easier for you but you know Harry even if he's a man so it's obviously going to be very different for you, what happened the next morning then?" She asks again.
"He — Fuck the next day was a mess, he pretended not to know what happened which really really stung, I was . . . bitchy towards him in a sense but I tried to ignore it and we all just sat in the kitchen for breakfast, that's when I got the phone call that Gigi was in the hospital and that something was wrong with her and the baby" The next part is the part i'm most worried about telling her, I mean she's my therapist so even if she's disappointed she legally can't tell me, right? Or is that not a rule . . .
"What happened when you found out about the baby? How were you feeling, I know that can be tough on some people" She asks, writing more words down on her notepad.
"Woozy, dizzy, floaty too I guess, I felt sort of — disassociated, it felt like the world was spinning and I was so close to fainting because of how panicked I was, I had to get Harry to give me some kind of sleeping pill so that he could just take me to the airport without having to worry if I was going to pass out" I reply, feeling nervous for what shes going to say about that.
"While it might not seem smart given your past with substance abuse I actually do think that you did the right thing, you most likely would have kept working yourself up to the point where you simply couldn't breathe and with the additional panic of not being able to get oxygen into your lungs and that isn't something that I would want you to go through" She says sincerely, asking me what happened in the airport.
"I was just feeling extremely out of tune with everything, it's like I was trapped inside my mind, I could hear everything and see everything I just — I tuned it out, I went to the bathroom and there was a girl doing . . . doing coke, she started talking to me and for some reason I just started psychoanalysing her, she offered me some coke and I just — I felt like I was back in a time where someone offering me a line was normal, a time where Leo would push me over my limits to impress his friends and once she left the bathroom I don't know . . . I said fuck it and I nearly relapsed, I probably would have if Harry hadn't came into the bathroom" Now is where the disappointment comes in.
In 5.
4.
3.
2. . .
"I'm proud of you" Are the first words out of Josies mouth, they immediately make me shoot up straighter while I look into the camera and give Josie a curious glance.
"That mindset, the one that seemingly took you back to the past isn't an easy one to deal with, your body was practically high with adrenaline in that bathroom and what you had was probably a very normal reaction, what's that quote . . . Ah, we make our habitats and our habits make us, essentially doing drugs was a habit for you and you where put back into an environment, like your old 'habitat' and you wanted to do what felt normal for you back then, i'm nowhere near disappointed because it takes a lot of strength to overcome and continue to overcome what you have" She observes, pursing her lips as if she has a thought "What did Harry do next?" She asks with a small crease in her brows.
"He came over to me and I was afraid that he would be angry, so I shut my eyes and I felt his hand come up to my face, I flinched really fucking hard and my hands started shaking, he basically just hugged my and tried to calm me down, explaining that he would never lay a hand on me. It was weird after that, once we got out of the bathroom he started talking to his friend, or his ex fuck buddy" I huff, rolling my eyes at the thought of Harry and Nia — together.
"I don't know he was just being weird, he barley talked to me after that and he was making plans practically right in front of me, saying that he would get a plane back in two days so that he could see her — I mean he's in no way obligated to coddle me or stay with me but it hurt. After that we had another fight, well I argued with him in the hospital, in reality it was pretty one-sided but after that I went out and got drunk, when I came back to the hotel
room he started yelling at me and calling me baby, it confused me so fucking much because why — Why would he call me that? To sum it up he cornered me and yelled, saying that he just used me and I ended up having a panic attack, he came into the bathroom and apologised but the second I got a text from a male friend he blew up again, I told him how manipulative it was that he cornered me to make me feel small and that it's happened before and he said 'it's a pity it didn't work the first time' that's when we stopped talking and I haven't done anything else these past four days other than order myself something online and going to the door to collect it" I breath out, digging my nails into my palms to stop myself from crying.
It's a lot, this past week has been a fucking roller coaster of emotions and going over everything is making me realise how fucked I truly am.
"Dickhead" I hear Josie scoff under her breath "Sorry that wasn't exactly professional" She laughs, shaking her head slightly.
"That definitely is a lot but despite whatever emotions you might be feeling I think you're handling this well, all the reactions you had were completely normal, relapsing is normal and yet you still were able to push through, don't discredit yourself Natalie you're doing well, speaking of unprofessionalism . . . It seems to me like Harry has some trust and communication issues, now i'm not his therapist, I don't know anything about him apart from what you've told me so just take this with a grain of salt, I probably shouldn't tell you this because even if I was his therapist it would be illegal for me to tell you but I just think knowing that he might be like that could help you understand his actions better, am I excusing what he did? Absolutely not, theres many better ways of dealing with your emotions than taking them out on someome else and poking at someones trauma but I just think that it makes sense" She smiles gently.
"It's not funny but — You two are a pair, yeah? You have abandonment issues while he has trust — possibly communication issues, I do think it would be beneficial for you both to talk to each other and maybe you could suggest Harry talks to someone" She shurgs "Therapy is good for everyone in my opinion, you get to know the in's and out's of your brain, you get to know what makes you tick, what makes you, well you" She explains with a shrug.
I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea I just don't want Harry getting the impression that I think he needs therapy after what happened, I mean I agree with Josie, everyone could use a bit of therapy but there's no harm if you don't take it up, although I do think it's slightly selfish that people in a position of power who have large sums of money and who genuinely need therapy don't take that offer up.
"Everything is just — dull at the minute, life seems so fucking mundane and boring, it all feels the same" I huff again, feeling my sinuses get slightly blocked along with my eyes going foggy.
"I think you should go for a consultation with a doctor . . . I'll refer you and everything, all you need to do is show up for the appointment" She slowly says, biting her lip slightly.
"Why . . . ?" I ask wearily, I mean i'm in a physically healthy condition and the only other reason I would need to go to them for is my birth contol and I don't see why Josie would refer me for birth control I already have.
"I can't diagnose you with this if you haven't seen a doctor first . . . Natalie it seems like you have clinical depression, i'm not saying this as an attack on you personally but no mentally healthy person views things or feel things like you do, your behaviours are extremely common in people with severe depression, feeling like you need to hurt yourself, lacking motivation, seeing the world as dull — having a somber or sad type of feeling lingering around" She says with a pitying expression .
The worst part of what she's saying is it makes sense, all of it makes perfect fucking sense.
"Are you sure? This isn't just some sort of PTSD side affect" I joke, trying to brush thid whole thing off because frankly, i'm already fucked up enough.
"Natalie . . ." She sighs, clearly used to my deflecting.
"It's just — I don't want to be like this, it feels like i'm not normal, being mentally ill feels like fucking inconvenience, it makes me feel gross, like a burden and i'm so so sick of it all" I cry, biting the inside of me cheek to avoid fully sobbing.
"Hey, turning off therapist mode for a second, I know how it feels now, I was diagnosed with depression when I was 24, it hurt me a lot because I felt hopeless, but I learned that it just means I need extra lovin' and hugs sometimes, you learn to deal with it and make your own happiness, I love you a lot and I know so many other people do too" She smiles, starting to tear up herself.
"What if i'm not good enough to love" I whisper, mostly to myself and it doesn't seem like Josie caught on.
"I think we can get going now, I know we probably should cover a lot more but you should lay down, maybe take a little nap, I know how much this takes out of you, remember to please call me whenever if you need anything!" She grins, trying to switch up the atmosphere before we end the call.
I plaster on the fakest grin I can and muster up the strength to say goodbye, once the call is ended I shut down my laptop and snuggle back under the covers, staring at the empty bed beside me.
"What if i'll never be good enough" I whisper out again into the silence of the cold, lonely hotel room.
do i suck? yes, im very sorry for
taking another two weeks to update but this
whole therapy thing took a LOT out of me
& im sorry if it was boring but it's all important
and i do get it if this isn't your sort of thing
reminder that i'm a teenager
and in no way a qualified therapist
nor do i know who therapy works
(even if i probably need it)
and everything written is things that I just
came up with or are based on things i researched
with that being said if you're ever struggling
it's perfectly ok to reach out for help and
that you're so incredibly loved even if you
dont feel it right now
i'm gonna work on chapter 18 tomorrow
bcs its literally 2:30am right now and i'm TIRED
and as usual this isnt proofread so!!!