Last time on Total Drama Action, when Owen's jaw was unwired, it unleashed a hunger like no other. Owen stopped stuffing his face when he and Leshawna were snatched and stuffed into safes. The Grips managed to free Owen with the help of Corrine, who quickly became fed up with her team. Still mad at Leshawna, the Gaffers decided to let her rot in her cell, quite possibly forever. Tough guy Duncan got the fright of his life when he was faced with none other than... Courtney! Who, thanks to her Pitbulls- I mean lawyers, is back in the running. The Grips lost, and due to a small technicality, Owen took the lame-osine to the nearest drive-thru. With only nine contestants left, maybe one of them will stand a chance on another awe-inspiring episode of Total Drama Action!
The girls all sat in their trailer, getting ready for what could either be a peaceful break or a nightmarish challenge stemmed but the darkest parts of their host's mind. Either way, they wanted to look hot, and they were damn sure going to, as long as Lindsay stopped whining enough for Corrine to focus on her liner.
"What about poor Owen?" She moaned. "Or that boy I liked, Tyson."
"Tyler," The girls corrected.
"Girl's all lawyered up," Leshawna said as she approached the mirror, sending a glare to Heather. "I oughta try it. Get me all the big bucks for being locked up in that safe all day."
"You stole my spa day!" Heather shrieked. "Do the crime, do the time!"
"It wasn't your spa day!" Leshawna argued. "Besides, I could've starved in there, people!"
"I seriously doubt that," Heather countered haughtily, gesturing towards Leshawna's stomach.
If it were anyone else, Corrine would've intervened; she was used to that, as she was the peacemaker between her siblings. However, Leshawna never needed anyone to stand up for her, and she did, she would let them know.
"And what was it you planned on doing at the spa with that wash-and-go-hair?" Leshawna asked Heather's retreating figure. Lindsay gasped as her brush caught on a knot in her hair.
"Beth," She asked. "Can you help me get this knot out?"
"Here," Heather said, grabbing the brush. "Let me."
She tugged hard on the knot with all her strength, making Lindsay let out a wail in pain.
"Ouch!" She exclaimed. "Heather! I think you pulled my eyes into the back of my head!"
"Not a bad idea," Leshawna quipped. "With Courtney on your team, you'd better watch your back. Although, I'm sure Corrine will stop any funny business."
"It depends on who she's bothering," Corrine responded as she edged up her liner. "I'm just counting down the days for the teams to merge."
"I'm sure you are," Leshawna teased. "Soon enough you'll be able to hang around Duncan without your team thinking you're betraying them."
Corrine felt her face heat up.
"Shut up," She groaned out as she reached for her comb. "That's totally not it."
"Mhmm," Leshawna said, not believing a single word coming out of the girl's mouth.
"Courtney's so bossy!" Beth interrupted.
"And it's not like we needed another know-it-all on the show," Lindsay agreed.
"Oh, really?" Heather said pulling on Lindsay's hair again.
"Ow!" Lindsay glared over at Heather with tears in her eyes. "I was talking about me."
Corrine raised her brows, wondering where this was going.
"Now that Bossy McSmartypants is back," She explained. "No one's ever gonna listen to me ever again!"
Leshawna looked up from filing her nails.
"Sorry, did you say something, honey?"
Heather continued to lightly yank on Lindsay's hair, looking forlorn.
"I have got to get me some hair," Heather said to the confessional. "Not Leshawna's weave or Beth's pathetic ponytail. Corrine's hair is probably so fried from the dye that it would fall apart if someone touched it. And I'm way too smart to be 'Lindsay' blonde. But, Courtney's? Hers would be perfect."
"Dude," Duncan complained as he watched Justin layer hairspray on his locks. "How can you spend so much time on your coif?"
"My agent, Jesus, says it's my best feature," Justin responded as Duncan adjusted his collar. "Along with my neck, nose, chin, cheekbones, earlobes, eyebrows..."
"You know who's got nice hair?" Duncan said, going dreamy. "Courtney. I mean, not that I've ever noticed."
"Or maybe it's my eyes," Justin continued on.
"I mean, I did notice," Duncan also drowned on. "Back when I cared, but not now."
"Ow!" Lindsay screamed out once again as Heather pulled on her hair.
"Got the knot!" She said victoriously as she held out the tangled hair she pulled out.
"Hey girls!' Courtney said cheerily as she opened the trailer door. She looked around at the girl's grumpy faces and asked, "Isn't anyone glad to see me?"
"I'm sure Duncan is," Corrine teased. Suddenly the girls were interrupted with a loud horn noise so powerful that the trailer began to shake. They quickly took shelter in the bunks until the shaking finally stopped a few seconds later.
"Um," Leshawna asked. "What was that?"
Corrine shrugged.
"Probably Chris. Let's go find out."
The teens, including the boys, made their way outside and found Chris, standing in front of a large horn, dressed in what looked to be some sort of leopard pelt.
"Talk about your fashion faux-pas," Heather insulted.
"Is that boy wearing a loincloth?" Leshawna asked rhetorically.
"Like it?" Chris asked. Duncan burst into laughter, holding his stomach.
"Oh," He laughed. "It hurts."
"You think that hurts?" Chris narrowed his eyes. "Wait till you hear today's challenges."
He turned back to the teens as interns began to pass out various pelts for them to wear.
"Now," he said. "Let's get started."
"Ahem," Courtney cleared her throat, giving Chris a pointed look. He frowned, glaring at her.
"As soon as I take care of a few formalities," He said. "Thanks to Courtney's lawsuit, she'll be playing by a different set of rules."
"You said there are no rules," Duncan accused.
"There are when you have a good lawyer," Courtney said. Chef, who was also dressed in a loincloth, quickly handed Chris a large black binder.
"Let's get this over with." He opened up the binder and began reading.
"Rule one; notwithstanding that contestants are not permitted contact with the outside world, the contestants hereafter referred to as 'Courtney' may retain a personal digital assistant, a.k.a, her P.D.A."
"What?" Beth exclaimed. "That's so not fair! I'm the one with the boyfriend."
"Care to take that up with her legal department?" Chris asked. Beth gulped, shaking her head.
"Didn't think so. Rule two; whereas contestants shall continue to receive allocated meals provided by Chef Hatchet, Courtney shall be entitled to a gourmet dining experience with parties consisting of producers and myself as applicable. I hope you like lobster."
"No way!" Lindsay yelled.
"That's total bullshit Court, and you know it!" Duncan chimed in.
Soon it was chaos, all teens turning their anger towards Courtney.
"Let's see your lawyers get you out of this one," Chris said smugly.
"What?" Courtney defended. "I'm still sleeping in the girls' trailer."
"Where she will have a pure goose-down pillow, extra lofty comforter, and seven-hundred thread count sheets, " Chris added. "Oh, and her own private bathroom."
"Excuse me?" Heather squeaked. Corrine let out a laugh.
"Oh man," She said. "You've really done it thins time."
"Oh, shut it," Courtney snapped at her. "You're lucky I'm not suing you!"
"For what?" She asked. "Looking cooler than you on my worst day and your best?"
"For stealing my boyfriend, you bitch!"
"Watch it," Corrine's eyes grew hard. "You aren't kind, funny, or pretty enough for anyone to miss if you go missing."
"I gotta admit," Duncan said in the confessional. "It's pretty hot to see Courtney and Corrine hash it out."
"Anyway," Chris said, tossing the binder behind his back. "Those are the new rules; let's call them, 'Courtney's rules.' In honor of Courtney, who gets special treatment, and an unfair advantage."
"Nice," Duncan said sarcastically. "Our spoiled princess didn't waste any time hooking herself up."
Courtney jammed a finger into his chest.
"And you didn't waste any time hooking up with two different girls after I left."
"While I'm touched you're obviously still hot for me," Duncan said. "My relationships are none of your business."
"You're one TV! They're everyone's business."
"Well, then the whole world knows at least I play by the rules... most of the time."
Courtney watched him, seething silently.
"What?" He asked smugly. "Don't think you can win the million bucks fair and square?"
She smacked his hand away from her collar.
"I could kick your two-timing butt with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back."
"Gonna be pretty tough to eat lobster like that!"
Corrine quickly made her way between the two teens.
"Just for the record," She whispered over to Courtney. "Duncan and I never hooked up. I don't know where you got that from."
"You should, though. Maybe it'd take the stick outta his ass," Leshawna whispered under her breath. Thankfully for her, only Duncan heard it and he turned and glared at the girl.
"I know what I saw!" Courtney protested, lightly shoving Corrine out of her way.
"What did you see?" Corrine retorted. "It's not like we hang out a lot anymore."
"While I'm loving this show of hostility," Chris said loudly, gesturing towards the group of fuming teens. "I think today's challenges will help bring out your more primal instincts."
He bent down and picked up a stray faux animal pelt.
"Today's genre... the period movie!"
"Ooh!" Beth gasped out. "I love period movies! All the pretty petticoats and dresses-"
"And lead and mercury poisoning," Corrine muttered under her breath, making Duncan let out a light snort. Courtney's head snapped towards the two teens who seemed to have gravitated towards each other after the verbal exchange; she mustered up her strongest glare and sent it towards Corrine.
"Do we get wigs?" Heather asked excitedly.
"Chef, do we have a wig?" Chris called out and the large man quickly tossed heather a large red beehive-styled wig, completed with a fake bone wrapped in it and real flies hovering around it.
"Ugh<" Heather covered her nose. "It smells like raw meat!"
"That's because our period is the Paleolithic period, which I thought you dum-dums might have guessed from my loincloth."
Albeit reluctantly, Heather placed the stinky wig over her stubbly head and rejoined her group.
"Okay," Chris said, brushing the dirt off his loincloth. "Cave people and Prehistoric flicks do two things; make fire and use tools made of bones. Technically, you should also know how to bring down a mammoth with a stick, but since Owen's no longer here, no mammoth, no challenge."
He passed out the last few loincloths to the teens. Corrine held hers up, although, she wouldn't consider it a loin-cloth, more of an animal print bikini. She looked like she could be in a bad 80's punk band if she kept the skirt and boots on.
"Here are your costumes," Chris said. "Get into character, people."
"You've gotta be kidding," Duncan complained as he held up his bright orange loincloth.
"I never kid," Chris laughed. "Actually, I do, but never about something this funny."
"You'll look perfect, Duncan," Courtney said condescendingly. "You're already a total neanderthal."
The teens quickly changed into their outfits and lined up, waiting for their next challenge.
"Nice outfit, loser," Duncan teased Corrine, who just smiled and tossed her hair back.
"You're just jealous that you can't work this as I can."
She did a quick model pose, sucking in her lips. Duncan let out a laugh, once again grabbing Courtney's attention.
"Hello, cast," Chris greeted as he joined them in the set made to resemble a jungle. "Nice to see you all decked out for the competition; and might I say, you all look pre-hysterical."
"Who knew I'd look so hot in leopard skin?" Harold said, flexing his biceps.
"I think mine still has a claw!" Courtney complained, rubbing her butt.
"Chef," Chris began, ignoring the teens' comments. "The tools for the first Stone Age challenge, please."
"Here's your rocks," He said, passing out large sharp rocks to each teen. Corrine studied the stone carefully, turning it in her hand. She recognized it as flint and wondered what exactly the challenge was, and whether or not fire-related disasters are covered in her life insurance policy.
"Rocks?" Duncan asked. "Aren't we taking this Stone Age thing a little too literally?"
"Shows how much you know, Duncan," Harold griped. "Rocks are an awesome resource. Inuit hunters use them to build nunchucks, plus they make a great paperweight."
Duncan threw the rock hard on Harold's toes before he could say another thing. He let out a yelp, grabbing onto his damaged toes.
"What do you know? Rocks are useful."
"First team to collect the hidden firewood and use the Flint-stones to make fire, earn something to help them with the second challenge. Ready? Action!"
The teens quickly split up and began searching the fake prehistoric set for firewood. Corrine shuffled through the trees while Lindsay and Courtney took the bushes, leaving Justin and Beth to look around the ground.
Suddenly, two large beavers began to chase after Harold, who screamed out for help.
"That's it," Duncan laughed out. "Keep those knees up!"
"Duncan and I have our differences," Harold said as he hid out from the beavers in the confessional. "For example, whereas I hate him, he can't stand me. But, we're guys, and guys can put stuff like that aside for the sake of the team. We can also pee standing up."
"I don't get it," Lindsay said, inspecting the flint as Courtney and Corrine assembled the kindling. "How do you make fire with a rock?"
"Give me those!" Courtney scoffed, snatching the rocks from Lindsay's hands.
"Courtney thinks she knows everything," Lindsay complained. "But she doesn't know that when I was twelve, my flat iron once accidentally set fire to my grandma's house. Twice!"
"I'll have this going in no time, I was a CIT you know," Courtney said confidently, banging the two rocks together.
"Oh," Leshawna complained from the left, where their kindling had been set up. "I know she is not back on that again. This isn't camp, this is a movie set!"
"She is a total drama queen," Duncan reasoned. Courtney hissed and turned towards the teen.
"Why?" She asked. "Because I think you're a dog for hooking up with Gwen and Corrine?"
"We didn't hook up," Corrine corrected calmly as she watched Courtney bang the rocks together, only for no sparks to occur.
"I did not hook up with Gwen and Corrine," Duncan pleaded to the confessional. "Having Courtney back reminds me how much she drives me crazy!" A lovesick expression grew on his face.
"And how much she drives me crazy."
"I watched the show," Courtney confessed. "I know what I saw between Duncan and Gwen. And Duncan and Corrine! Nothing gets past me."
"I think you're supposed to bang them together at an angle," Corrine corrected. "That way, the spark goes onto the wood instead of staying between the rocks."
"I know what I'm doing," Courtney scoffed.
"Okay," Corrine snapped. "Well if you know what you're doing, you should really get that fire started. The Gaffers are catching up!"
Courtney looked over at Duncan with a glare, banging the rock harder.
"I love it when sparks fly," Chris joked.
Suddenly, Duncan pulled a lighter out of his loincloth and ignited the kindling, creating a large fire. The Gaffers all cheered, dancing around the fire wildly as Chris congratulated them.
"Courtney," Chris called out. "I thought for sure you'd be the first to burst into flames. Maybe you should've listened to your teammate. Gaffers win the first challenge!"
"Ugh!" Courtney screamed, holding ou the rocks. "You obviously gave me fake flints! Nobody could start a fire with these ridiculous props."
She dropped them dramatically and Lindsay quickly caught them. She slid them against each other experimentally, just like Corrine suggested, and the kindling quickly caught fire.
"Fire!" She yelled out excitedly and Courtney let out a scream of irritation.
The teens were quickly led off the second location for the second challenge. Corrine could probably make some joke about how being taken to a second location means that they are all doomed, but her head was hurting far too much to think. Courtney was still fuming behind her, which Corrine didn't mind ss much, seeing as she had finally stopped screeching.
"Time for our second caveman movie challenge," Chris announced, gesturing towards the large tar pit with two huge stone pillars placed in the middle.
"But first, Chef will pass out your rewards from the challenge this morning."
Chef pulled a tarp off of a large pile, exposing an array of bones, ranging from comically large to pitifully small.
"Excuse me," Leshawna said. "Our reward in bones?"
"Hey, for cave people, bones were cutting-edge technology. And they're not your reward."
Chef handed the small ones out to the Gaffers and the large ones out to the Grips. Corrine ran her fingers along the smooth bone, hoping that for her own good, they weren't real.
"Hey!" Duncan complained loudly. "What gives? We won the challenge! I made fire!"
"Actually, you didn't," Chris said. "We reviewed the footage caught on camera, and you made fire with a lighter; which is not a stone-age tool. Which means, Lindsay made fire first. The Grips are the winners!"
The Grips let out a cheer and Corrine patted Lindsay on the back.
"Well, well," Courtney teased. "Duncan 'I-play-by-the-rules' cheated, big surprise."
"I've got many more for you, sweetheart." He wiggled his eyebrows, making Corrine chuckle.
"The props department for caveman movies are bare-bones," Chris said, pulling out one of the small bones for comedic effect. "Which means these are all actors have to fight their on-screen enemies with."
"And who might these enemies be?" Leshawna asked.
"Each other, of course," Chris said. "Grip tribe versus Gapher tribe."
"Cool," Duncan said, practicing his swing. "We have to fight each other with bones!"
Courtney pulled her arm back and hit Duncan over the back with her bone.
"I like your enthusiasm, Courtney," Chris said. "Only, you'll be fighting over there."
He pointed over towards the tar pit.
"Each player that knocks over his or her opponent off the column into that fake bubbling tar pit scores a point for their team."
He gestured to the pit.
"To the tar pit!"
The first two competitors to fight were Leshawna and Lindsay, who stood on the columns with hesitation.
"I'm supposed to knock her off with this teensy-weensy little bone?" Leshawna asked in frustration.
"How do we know when to start?" Lindsay asked.
"Oh, don't worry, you'll know," Chris said with a maniacal laugh. He walked towards a large horn and blew it, scaring Lindsay so badly that she went stumbling, falling into the tar pit immediately.
The Gaffers let out cheers while Corrine and the rest of her team sighed in defeat.
"Now see, that was just way too easy," Leshawna laughed out.
"That's one point for the Gaffers," Chris said.
"Linds?" Beth asked. "Are you okay?"
"It feels like a cool mud bath. I wonder if it's good for your skin?"
"Let me know," Justin said as he helped her out of the pit.
"Next up," Chris announced. "Beth and Heather."
Suddenly a piercing scream sounded, shaking the ground around the teens.
"Uh-oh," Chris laughed out. "Looks like Lindsay's blood-curdling screams have attracted a swarm of prehistoric pterodactyls. This should make things interesting."
Corrine watched the brown and black mechanical pterodactyls circle the columns, screeching and swooping around; this wasn't going to turn out well.
"Why don't you just jump off now and save us all the time," Heather said atop the column. Right before Heather took her first swing, a pterodactyl swooped low, taking the wig off her head and causing her to stumble. Before she could fall, she grabbed onto Beth's bone, holding herself up.
"Let go!" Beth screamed.
"You let go!" Heather yelled back, not realizing that if Beth were to let go, she would fall anyway.
"Okay," Beth said smugly, sending Heather into the pit.
"They make us do a lot of horrible, humiliating things to each other on this show," Beth confessed happily. "And I haven't been very good at most of them. But when I knocked Heather off her high pedestal and made her fall into a pit of bubbling tar, well, that was my high point of the competition." She laughed for a second, before beginning to pant. "Maybe my whole life!"
The Gaffers cheered beth on as Heather fell into the pit.
"Whoo!" Leshanwa cheered. "Alright!"
"Hey, whose team are you on, anyway?" Duncan asked.
"Yours," She said. "And hers. But it's kinda lose-win, no?"
"You guys aren't gonna help me out of here?" Heather begged as she struggled to leave the pit, falling over again.
"And that evens the score at one-all for the Grips and the Gaffers," Chris said. "Next up, Justin and Harold."
Justin stood atop the column, holding up the bone and posing as the sun lit up his face.
He threw the bone in between his two hands, measuring the weight, before jabbing it towards Harold, who was able to dodge it. Below them, stood the two large beavers, looking quite angry as they watched Harold.
"Don't fall for it!" Duncan yelled up to him. "They're not real beavers!"
Justin swung towards the teen again, taking his distraction as an opportune moment to get a hit in.
"Just don't go and lose this challenge for us," Duncan continued on.
The beavers quickly swam through the fake tar, scratching at the column holding up Harold.
"Their teeth are the size of railroad spikes!" He yelled out, terrified.
"You'll be okay, baby," Leshawna reassured.
"Beavers can't swim!" Duncan said. "Don't be a wimp."
Just as he said that the beavers began to chew at and climb the column.
"I guess my knowledge on prehistoric-mechanical beavers is a little rusty,"
Harold reached out, grabbing Justin as his column fell, and they both went careening down, into the tar pit.
"Wow!" Chris said. "That was awesome!"
"I'm gonna win the million," Justin confessed, covered in the black tar. "But that shot of me standing on top of the stone column is worth even more. It's gonna be an iconic image for the series. Hey! Lindsay was right about the tar, my skin does look even better."
"That leaves the teams tied," Chris said. "And us with a grudge match between Duncan and Courtney, on the same column! You just can't write this stuff."
As the two teens began to fight, Corrine turned to Chris.
"So, who am I fighting?" She asked. Chris let out a laugh.
"Huh," He said. "I forgot you were still in the game."
"Thanks," She said dryly.
"Well," Chris pretended to think. "Since there's only one column, I don't think you and a beaver would fit. Let's just say that if Duncan wins, you fight him."
Corrine shrugged and walked away, taking a seat in the soft fake grass. She watched as the two teens fought for a while until she felt a tao on her shoulder. She turned and faced Leshawna.
"So," She said with a teasing smile. "You're gonna fight Duncan, huh?"
"Only if he wins," She rolled her eyes.
"Sounds like fun," She winked. "You all close to him like that. Up in his business; him up in yours."
"Ew," She said. "Don't make it sound gross."
"It can sound as gross as I want, you still like the idea."
Corrine let out a laugh.
"I don't think so."
"C'mon, girl," She said. "I remember what you told me last season. And I know how you feel now, even if you deny it."
Corrine sighed, gesturing to the two fighting teens.
"Look at them," She said. "They both really like each other, even if they deny it. I don't wanna ruin it."
"You said that last year," Leshawna said, sitting down next to her, "And look where it got you."
"It doesn't matter anyway," She said gloomily. "He basically friend-zoned me a few days ago anyway."
The teens watched as Courtney hit him hard in the lower stomach, sending him into the tar pit.
"And it doesn't matter anyway," Corrine said. "He lost, so there's no fight."
"Well," Chris laughed out. "I'd say the Gaffers had a better chance a the one million B.C. Before Courtney. As for the Grips, they won today's reward. A mammoth-sized prehistoric barbeque!"
Chef drove up with the rack of ribs tied to his golf cart, stopping right at the edge of the tar pit.
"Don't worry," Chris said to the Gaffers, pulling out a large egg. "The Grips may have won today's reward, but we're not gonna let the Gaffers go hungry."
He tossed it to Harold, who caught it and inspected it carefully.
"An ostrich egg?" He asked.
"Should be enough for four of you. Maybe if you're lucky, the Grips will throw you a bone."
The teens cheered, approaching the rack of ribs with excitement. Chef quickly stepped out of the cart, unknowingly throwing off the balance of the cart and sending the ribs into the tar pit.
"Oops," Chef said as the teens gasped in shock. Chris walked up to the group, patting Courtney on the back.
"Look on the bright side," He said. "You still have your bones, you could use them to hunt for dinner."
"Anyway," He said, turning toward Chef. "Tonight's meal is surf-n-turf. Shall we?"
Chris, Courtney, and Chef quickly walked away, heading off towards their meal, leaving the campers, and for one teen, their team, behind.
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Just in case you guys were wondering, I always pictured Corrine's voice to sound like Olivia Olson, who voiced Marceline from Adventure Time. I also imagined her voice to sound like Nico Robin's English voice from One Piece.